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Questionable artwork and pedantic miscellany
November 6, 2021
The mirror helps the player feel more like they are Duke Nukem and less like they are piloting a disembodied, floating camera with human arms attached to it.


look at this, candy accumulated by my seven-year-old niece on Halloween, even two nights later, after she went to bed, and there is still good stuff left and milk duds. Where was this kind of payout when I was that age? No necco wafers, no monster munny, no bit-o-honey, no good-n-plenty, laffy taffy, walnuts, candy corn. Meanwhile, maybe twelve or fewer actual children came to my house collecting candy this year. Based on that and the load before me there must be substantially more people giving out candy than going out to be given candy. AND behold the humble expectations of this shoddy little plastic bucket. everyone i knew in the oaf days brought a big old pillow case or shopping bag when collecting, and probably ended up with less stuff than this in it.
granted, in addition to the shoddy stuff I don’t see, I also don’t the generally edible whoppers, 100 grand, rolos, junior mints, not even nerds or bottle caps. There are definitely fewer TYPES of candy being given out. Some of the fun of collecting is in the weird variety, and there isn’t much here. Did everybody in this area go to the same store? SOME of whom may have done an inordinate amount of shopping at that same store after hearing a local rumor that kids from other neighborhoods get driven over to this one in great numbers and quickly deplete the candy reserves of those who are unprepared?

maybe that is a local hazing prank. This is all the candy that was left over, not including what was still in the offering bowl. I had naught to do with it, however; I never buy reese’s junk. Because I want to be able to eat it afterward if nobody comes to take it. I noticed, with rare exception, the chocolate variety bulk packages at stores -always- try to force some peanut butter junk in there because peanut butter is cheaper for the companies than chocolate but they can charge the same amount and also get to act like it is a feature. I hate Reese.

and now you’re disgusting. I don’t know WHO it is but I want to KILL Reese with a spoon. To think I felt BAD for him when I watched Terminator. saying “not sorry” is like saying “not gonna lie” or “wait for it” in that it communicates absolutely no direct information but does provide indirect information that you should be punched in the nose.


I saw this and questioned if charleston chew was anybody’s favorite anything, except for adults who enjoy punishing children at halloween. They look like they are firm on the outside and soft on the inside and will be pleasant to bite into, but they have the same pencil eraser-like consistency the whole way through. Afterward I experienced an, i thought, unusually high amount of replies claiming to actually enjoy eating these things. to be fair, while frozen, something I never thought to do as a child, but did find necessary and functional with incidental milk duds in later years. Meanwhile reese cups remain distasteful to me at any temperature in ever-growing numbers, while Charleston Chew, good old Charlie C, who was always there for me, and I never realized it, thought I hated him and left town. Has Reese ruined my one true chance at happiness?


A bit more disturbing to me personally, the mother of some children across the street, prior to seeing off her brood for the candy-grab jaunt, was talking to my sister about one of her sons, who appeared to be dressed as Iceman from Megaman, of all things, with a pale face and blue parka, though I could not hear what she was saying. I saw my sister issue a gesture of “no I don’t know what that is” as I got closer. Then the mother saw and turned to me instead, to ask, “are you familiar with the video game under tayul?” and having that suddenly off the internet and real was so bizarre and unpleasant that I forgot what was real and half-consciously said “i try not to be” without considering that the person wearing that costume could hear me, and I noticed he looked rather sullen in the moments afterward before the group journeyed onward. Or maybe he is always like that. Or maybe that is part of the character, despite the smirky memes I have been accosted by. I didn’t exactly say “it is so ubiquitous and associated with easily-manipulable socially mutated mediocrity fetishizing cultists who think they are great people that it literally makes me sad and unlike the cartoon horse worship of ten years ago it never goes away because its members have convinced themselves it is “independent” even though people with followings larger than the population of Estonia have been financing and promoting it since before it existed” so I may be overthinking the incident. Having that as a costume, an unrecognizable cheap costume at that, for a few hours, is a long way from trying to sell or trying look like you are in good with people who sell non-fungible tokens. All he wanted were fudgible tokens.

NO, “trunk or treat” is NOT normal, it should not BECOME normal, nor should it become twit-commercialized and robbed of what little organic value it has. potentially the fact that I didn’t see any discounted candy but did find a full display of these on november 5 indicates that it isn’t being bought like it’s normal yet. Not that I NEED discounted candy because my house is already overflowing with full price “but it was on sale” pre-halloween candy but I still like to check on it and see how it is doing.

I should be glad I haven’t see under terror merchandise in any stores, (as much as twitter dorks will go quite out of their ways to let me know they acquired some) even though I know substantially more about every nuance of it without ever once trying than Overwatch, which I HAVE seen on junk at the super market, yet the only fact I know about it is that one of the main characters wears ridiculous skin-tight yellow pants. I suppose I could call the lot of them under-desired and over-exposed. haaaaaah my back hurts.



May 5, 2018
Two kids named Smudger Moore and Huntley Hunter want to get their chocolate back.



the first version of this lame comic strip had chocolate, and a better explanation from the dog, since apparently nobody actually knows WHY grapes are poisonous to them. However, I thought my experience being annoyed and demoralized would seem fairly unimportant compared to the slave-like conditions in which chocolate beans are harvested by children in West Africa. Really, that is the reason I changed it! Not that I think anybody likely to see this would know or care that i was trivializing slavery, or that either way I am doing anything to improve that. But once that is in my mind, the whole thing seems meaningless. The primary thing in my life that is at all fulfilling is overeating, which frequently depends on my not thinking about how the exploitation of the world and its people is brazenly utilized by multinational corporations who operate in plain sight. And truthfully I can forget it pretty easily, but I made the connection when drawing the comic so it is fixed in place for me.


I keep seeing this at Stop & Shop and that is all I can think of. They aren’t just sweeping modern day inescapable servitude under the rug, they’re building a luxury hotel on top of the rug and pretending this is somehow pro-humanity and patriotic. Mars’ lawyers probably said “you can’t say made IN america but you can say made FOR america” and gosh that makes it seem like a selfless GIFT! And it IS patriotic in the sense that it puts casual thoughtless luxury of Americans ahead of basic humanity of anyone else. As they always have, but plainly crossing the line that even they have pledged never to cross. You might think one company could eliminate dubiously acquired beans from their supply chain and shame the others for not doing it, but if that actually happened they would all of course have to stop using slave beans, and none of them would benefit financially or publicly because they would also then be forced to acknowledge that they all have slavery in their past and present. What they presently do is put as many different companies and groups between bean harvesting and product selling as possible so it is very difficult to prove anything when somebody DOES speak up. When they do get called out on it, they make non-legally binding “pledge”s to stop using those beans approximately later, and by the time later comes they expect everybody with the power to influence their sales to have forgotten. Consider how long it took to get Bill Cosby in court, and he committed non-lethal crimes in this country against people who have access to means of expression.
It is not EASY to stop institutionalized, undocumented slavery, but obviously people making profits know it has been going ON for a very long time, and would never have made even the present vague show of trying to stop it had it not been publicized. They are morally comfortable with forced, unpaid child labor being step 1 in their product.

And it isn’t like chocolate is getting cheaper; the price goes up despite no sign that money is actually being invested in eliminating corruption. The people who gather the beans aren’t even allowed to EAT chocolate! They can’t even get ONE m&m while there isn’t a store in this country where there aren’t bags and bags and bags of the tiny little bastids. Because they are made for America! And I think trucker hats have finally supplanted cowboy hats as the worst hats. At least cowboy hats can look funny in the right context and provide adequate sun protection. Trucker hat just means “i am proud to pay extra to look ugly.” That’s the driving force between computer generated merchandising characters in general. They always look hideous and the fact that they are effective lets you, the company, know that the people buying your product have no ability or desire to scrutinize any aspect of it, much much less the incongruity between the frightfully specific list of ingredients legally required on the label and everybody involved claiming to not know where the actual chocolate comes from! We don’t know where it comes from but gosh it sure keeps coming at consistent, ever increasing levels and we own it. It must be magic! Magic for America!

At my one art show in 2017, I wanted to put out a bowl of wrapped candy for people to take (and they did), and somehow ended up at wal mart hastily trying to determine, on my terrible telephone computer, which major chocolate company used the “least” amount of slave labor. The simple fact is that if it is at walmart, it abuses enough people that it doesn’t matter that another company is more abusive. Even the dumb phone which I have also called terrible is an absurd convenience that we as society have been groomed to think is fundamental to our being, and contains components from rarely identified, exploited African sources. My device’s manufacturer, Motorola, is not implicated in that, but IS named as a company that benefits from dubious prison labor. And the computer I am typing this on now, who knows what is in it? I sure do not!


Anyway I bought kit-kats. You know, I didn’t get to eat any of this chocolate.


In other news, to start me back on the path to not thinking about where mass-produced cheap chocolate comes from, the dog is based off Scruffy, who used to live in my (and several other persons’) old house.

Seen here visiting my present house, before it was my house, and therefore much classier. Scruffy could in fact stand up and photographs exist proving that, but I sure could not find one.



March 25, 2015
Case studies of shipping-afflicted fandoms


Gosh look at how corny that guy is. I saw this picture years ago while briefly considering bowling for dollars and all I could think about was his corniness. I declared him King Corny at that point in time and since then have used him as a standard to judge the corniness of others.
For example, Philip Casnoff, who portrayed Frederic Trumper in the sick-fated Broadway version of Chess is Duke Corny. I decided that based on his voice in an audio recording, which does not suit this visual medium, and it is impossible to sing One Night in Bangkok without being corny anyhow, but it establishes that there is a hierarchy.


Captain Corny appeared in the 194eh film Showboat. Observe how he lets other people do the talking while he lingers behind to provide crucial corniness. He is less corny than King Corny, but he is still exceptionally corny.

This film is a remake of an earlier film also called Showboat in which Captain Corny was portrayed by a different actor who was nonetheless still corny. The captain is the one wearing the music-proof hat that says CAPTAIN on it, since he was concerned it was not obvious enough in the picture I just posted, and his astounding corniness has so clouded his mind that he has forgotten that in his timeline, the film I took the other picture from has not yet been made and in fact depends on his own being noteworthy for that to even be considered.


it is rumored that seeing The Hulk turns you corny.


Staff Sergeant Corny appeared in 1970s magazines. I drew a picture loosely based on his life once.

It has been stored in an apparently very smudgy place the last 3ish years but I think his message is still as relevant as it was in the 1970s: you are HIM and affluent and you lounge on your absurdly huge British lawn in gloomy weather just to flout your affluence and 1970sness. Women are someone else, and attracted to your presence, but they act bored once they get there.

He/you may or may not be a secret identity of


Bruno Brazil, akabaka Marquis di Corny. In the 1970s all the action heroes were grey-haired corny men with roughly rectangular-shaped heads.

The Vizier from this indeterminate version of Prince of Persia is not himself the prince of Persia, but he IS Prince Corny. He is so preoccupied with being corny that ignores the wizard who just jumped in his window.


Of course there are multiple sovereigns in this world. In France there is le Roi Corny.

Pay attention! I just told you.


I found this record in my attic recently, and after of several minutes cracking myself up saying “nat king cole was a merry nat soul” I considered that he might also be Nat King Corny. At that point I started writing this post and it was too significant an issue to be addressed the same day.


He may be related to King Kandy, who is also corny, but not king OF corny. He may hold the ceremonial title of King Korny but that is not officially recognized by the Corny Council. But why, of all possible alliterative candy themed hero names, did he have to be KING Kandy? Why not Captain Candy or Candy Commander or Candytastrophe? And why kandy with a K? Notice how the nerd instantly knows that he has transformed into King Kandy. He stutters while THINKING due to how stupid it is but even though he IS King Kandy and did not exist prior to that moment he has no power to call himself anything else. Not even King Kandy Korn, as an anonymom commentator suggested.

That may konstrue kopyright infringement against Kin Korn Karn anyhow.


These dorky thugs custom made to be beatable by King Kandy know that King Kandy IS King Kandy, with a K, even though all he does is think narration of his present situation and never at any point royally decrees “I am King Kandy.” That rogue band of Bono impersonators better watch out; they’re tangling with someone who can be foiled by carrying a paper towel around.

Recently it came to my attention, though less recently than Nat did, that the film Wreck-em’ Ralph featured a character named King Candy, but without a K, so he does not factor into my life, and shall not be pictured here.


However, Candy Land predates both, and ALSO has a King Kandy, and ONCE MORE with a K. This is a game for children and going out of its way to spell stuff wrong. Also there is no actual player input and you could rig the game by determining the number of participants and sorting the cards before playing, which would be cheating, but if you figure that out at the age of 4 you deserve to win. This King Kandy seems to have substantially altered his appearance at least three times through the years, but each has been more dopey than corny, and in none of those situations has he been a 6 foot tall regular proportioned man who yells/thought-projects out SOCKAMAGEE. However, never once has he spelled his name with a C, either (nor considered amending his diet), so clearly he is not bothered by the potential for mistaken identity.
Consider that candy is notorious for using artificial ingredients, and needing to mispell things like “chocolate” to be legally released from having to include any. King Kandy is so unnatural that he cannot even legally be called candy, and he MAKES the laws!


All Kings [c,/k]andy outrank San Fran Cisco’s notorious Candy Baron, even if he is adequately corny and seems to dress more respectably than any of them. You cannot see his whole body. He may also be covered in pink.

I cannot trust anyone! And worse still, I fear there are more corny stories to come.



February 13, 2014
changing the rules is what guys on cougartown do best

I have a comic update ready, but I am so disgusted with the character called “nemitz” at the moment that I need more time to prepare my presentation of grievances.

—————————————————


Nothing I like better after dinner than a good brand. Ah, what delectable trademarks. You can really taste the copyright. If I am feeling quite decadent I will sprinkle on some focus group.

In fact my hands are drawn to things which rhyme with them, so in the absence of a brands I will sometimes just have stands until the craving disbands. My life is rather bland. It did not turn out as I planned.

The red computer m&m with a face has passed beyond edgy attitude into brazen hostile jerkiness. This thing appears to genuinely hate its life shilling for the mass consumption of its tiny, speechless evolutionary forebears.
Got a problem with artificial gingerbread flavor being needlessly injected into bizarre forms where gingerbread flavor is not necessary or desired? Hey, shut up and shove it down your face hole, ya bloated apathete. You got somethin’ better ta do? I didn’t think so. Nyeahhhhh.


You may recall how last year pop secret genetic engineering experiments dating back to World War 2 were exposed, with the surviving progeny of the original subjects liberated at last. At this time they are gradually being introduced into the populace. You could learn from them, red computer m&m! They still remember what it means to be subjugated, and choose to embrace life and live it as best they can, shilling for the mass consupmtion of their tiny speechless evolutionary forebears.


More glorious stix. On the topic of embracing the bad position you have been given, SwirlStix has decided to unsheath the mystery flavor. And why not, I say, if we already use mystery ingredients. The stix have combined their ingredients in such a way as to produce something that the scientists agree has a taste, but they cannot identify a conventional earthly edible whose taste this vaguely resembles.

I had long presumed that Kirby was not at liberty to disclose the contents of the magic food bag, but perhaps, far from being pop secret, simply nobody knows.


Quite simply, due to the magic density, the magic food bag is opache and cannot be seen through. Placing your stix into a blox may assist you in determining their contents once you tire of holding them up, but it is only a temporary solution.

There is a solution to this but it was not known in Kirby’s time. The visual clarity of its contents notwithstanding, magic food bag is immensely superior to a regular food bag



Food Bag is so crummy that nobody would ever stop there, and thus the sign can only be photographed while speeding past it, requiring the resultant skewed-perspective picture to be stretched horizontally to be legible on a website, which makes it appear to be collapsing, which never completely occurs, a tantalizing affair. Food Bag, despite being horrid, is superior to foot bag.
On November 11 2007 I wrote a several-hundred word rambling anecdote about how stupid I think foot bag is that ends with “That sounds like a sock a hobo would wear” which I think is the most important point and the reason I went looking for the anecdote half an hour ago.

Which is not to say I was looking to look at one in action. Great gimpity. I cannot think of anything dumber than that.


I am going to ignore that as long as I am able.
I was inspired by an objectifying photograph of a woman kicking a lump in some most certainly awful publication with the corrrrrrrny caption “FOOT BAG BEAUTY” but that I otherwise neglected to collect any evidence of. Stop the presses: FOOT BAG BEAUTY. Calling all cars: FOOT BAG BEAUTY. Spy Kids 3D: FOOT BAG BEAUTY.

Additionally, Foot Bag concerns my sole experience with an Atari Lynx. On a terrible school bus ride, one student had a Sega Game Gear, and only awful licensed games. I myself also had a Game Gear and after that experience I became convinced and afraid of its badness. Particularly the audio component, the only component that could get me while on the bus if I was not within visual range, despite my comparatively functional selection of games. So then another student had an Atari Lynx, and seemingly only one cartridge, California Games, and it was worse. The worst California Game was “Foot Bag.” A mess of pixels vaguely identifiable as a human being kicked a smaller mess of pixels, with that being the goal in itself, and you, the player, used 20th century technology to press buttons to facilitate this without even needing to be near an electrical outlet for the 20 minutes or so your 16 double-A batteries lasted. After seeing the worst california game, I was convinced the Lynx must also be the worst game system, because if better games had been possible somebody surely would have made one, and I was presented with no evidence of this. Our state that spanning most latitude and containing the most people and these were the best games software company Epyx could come up with to define the whole, and then ported this to every video platform. It makes me want to go back in time 18 years and die abruptly after playing it.


Foot bag is not an event! At best it is a prevent.

According to wikehhhpedia that foot bag portion of the game specifically was coded by Ken Nicholson, who also invented DirectX, which meant I could not install a game on my computer without hassle for the next ten years. Later the XBox video “game” system was itself named for the X in DirectX, which brought recreation of actions I had no interest in to new heights of realism and popularity, and therefAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY FOOT’S BEEN BAGGED


I think that reaction is in excess of what is called for.



January 7, 2014
Christmas is coming and all through the land people are decorating with Command brand

ah ya know what I’ll tell you tomorrow

==================================================

december 28:
watch as 3 months of “get ready for christmas” have abruptly transitioned into 6 months of “you’re too fat! get ready for summer”

Whatsamatter there Donald? Need a hand? Oh huh huh that’s right I DON’T HAVE ONE!

These two must hate each other.

They will never band together to take down the man who mocks them and demands their obedience from a position of luxury. Rise up!

Grah no get small again! Finally a store display accurately reflects how sad these would be if most people actually bought and set them up.

the only thing more horrifying than a face appearing in my drink is having to personally grasp it by the eye-voids to remove it.

Another kitchen implement that has a face for some/no reason. I feel like I have seen it somehwere before, though.


Nope, my mistake.

What? Oh hello! Yes, I thought that was you. Well get over it, it is not my fault you look so much alike! Some people are sensitive about everything.

I need to get away from them!



January 1, 2014
He retired from show business soon afterwards[2] and worked in a managerial position in a zipper factory.


2013 in pictures
calm down!

january



february


march


april


may


june


july


august


september


october


november


december



angry new year!

stop that! There is already more than enough stupid in here to sum up several years. Go home!

I mean go to someone else’s home!



May 11, 2013
In 1985, Mr Potato Head played a supporting role in Potato Head Kids, his first dramatic television appearance.

I have never been more proud of my mother.

Hey bimshwel, tomorrow is mother’s day. I am your mother. Why don’t you talk to me?
Are you ashamed of me, bimshwel? Is it because I discovered the secret to clean teeth that dentists hate me for?
Is it because of the time I told you I was taking you to

Cars Land and it was just Dan Perkins Subaru of Milford? And then you watched me get arrested because the staff recognized me from the surveillance video as the person who went around painting creepy cartoon eyes on all the windshields? I don’t know what your problem is. You didn’t have to watch.

Just like you didn’t have to watch me watch television while wearing yellow wrestling boots and potentially something else. I can do what I like in MY house. Anyway, the last time I saw this picture it was on YOUR webpage. Whose fault is that?

oh no?

Oh no, somebody escaped!

Oh no, a Tintin tin!

Oh no, the Harvest Hobgoblin!

So you see things can be far worse. I have had enough tragedies for many days!



December 31, 2012
Players control Marty as he makes away across the train, collecting speed logs necessary to get the train up to 88 miles per hour (142 km/h) while fending off enemies and avoiding obstacles such as hooks or puffs of smoke.

2012 in pictures

i had meant to deliver a crucial skeleton update before now, but I [was attacked by skeletons] and so it will have to wait.

















That is this. More importantly, that is that.



December 22, 2012
let me show you how country feels

I have witnessed the hobbit film and I do wonder why I fussed over the movie dorks changing the story to make it match the other movies better; that was precisely what I had hoped they would do. I had little interest in this film as long as I knew precisely what was coming next.

I still question the need to have “pretty” dwarves; when I saw those guys with human noses and no beards in the promotional image on the previous occasion, I just assumed one of them was Aragorn, the non-dwarf man from the other film series, whose presence would be superfluous and require me to accept that he was at least 90 years old in the other films. In fact, they are Kili and Fili Fili and Kili, who are indeed “supposed” to be with the company (which makes me wonder why they are deserting it in that picture) and, true to the source book, distinguishable from the other dwarves.
Obviously dwarves are not born old and bearded (right?) but surely they don’t abruptly grow fat prosthetic noses and British accents once they reach their prime ages. It probably makes financial sense, again, to have a designated “heartthrob” character, and rather depressing that we must absolutely bow to this whim. Anyway it works for Filly And Killy, who are designated the closest thing to that “role,” but I don’t believe Thorin, the boss dwarf, as a young type. His authority comes from his ties to the old dwarf kingdom, so he should be old, or at least really dwarfy. He gets enough screen time that he can be distinctive without looking like Aragaragorn. He has some nice battle wounds gained by conflict new for the film that only seems there to help him get battle wounds, but he is still fundamentally pretty. If you want to make a movie with pretty warriors who fight forever for no reason, adapt a Final Fantasy game.


My only real problem with this is those stupid boots pointing up.

As things are, the director Peter Jackson in his publicity attire looks more dwarfy and less groomed than Thorin does in full costume after weeks of marching, camping, and not bathing. I have also decided against posting any pictures of Peter Jackson on this web-page.
But that is all trickery! Movie magic!

let us talk about something natural.

Does this look all natural to you?

Does this look even partially natural?


The only thing I like more than creepy shiny symmetrical computer people are bright red open mouths. Also, that statement was insincere. This is important because I told you.

Now, with my school classes currently concluded, I do, in theory, I have time to finish some of the long and baffling incomplete website objects which I have accumulated in the past four months.

NO ME LIKE BAFFLING SERIES OF NONSEQUITURS WITH NO ENDING BETTER. ME PUNISH.


However, I will probably play old video games I have completed before and continue posting half-thoughts at about the same interval as before, now that I have gotten used to not doing it very often.

I am kidding; I can also play newer remakes of older games



Additionally I can play slightly older remakes of equally old games

I can play slightly newer remakes of slightly less– excuse me, am I boring you?

I can also play Wanderers From Ys


that’s what I thought. I am glad you are behaving reasonably.


Well, well, I I I…



May 20, 2012
07 Beef Shop in the Forest

Good news! I did not transform into a turnip.

=====================================================



Margarita salt, made from salt. Nothing else. You might be curious how that makes it inherently margarita-y and not just a box of salt but I remind you that it is shaped like a hat.

I spent more time confined to an automobile today than I expected and productivity was mysteriously minimal, and thus I have only a hastily assembled bad website entry rather than a laborious bad website entry.
I was fortunate to dispatch this crucial transmission at all.



Fortunately the car party was eventually directed to safety by the magical yellow shrek ghost that appeared from amongst the Food Lion generic Lucky Charms. It’s an interesting reversal; the lucky charms come out of the leprechaun, but the shrek ghost is born directly of the cereal. Pardon me, did I say interesting, I meant… well in fact I am interested by that idea.
I had become distressed in recent years that the store brand totally necessary cereal mascots were better than the national brands they were supposed to be worse than. It was kind and benevolent of the vicious, dynastic lion to set things back as they ought to be. There was a cereal called “fruit rings” whose character was so dopey looking that I didn’t want a picture of it and didn’t think I’d have anything to say about it. Yesp.

This will do, however. Look, it’s even blurry. That’s just unprofessional.


Good news, it’s kosher. Bad news, there is no god and thus nobody to care that your mutant cowboy pickles are cloven-hoofed ruminants.
I had never been to a Food Lion store before. Not just because my house is 500 or more miles from any but also because lions are just dangerous. This is exhibited in the lion’s unwillingness to carry natural foods or low sodium variants of products. I was fortunate to escape with my life. This product is notable because in most other stores this would be the worst merchandising character I found.


I do not consider movie cinemas stores.

This, I was referring to. This can probably be found in other joints than Food Lion. However, I generally cannot also be found in them. Because in those situations I hide or wear a disguise.

I did say most other stores. As I’ve only been inside an Aldi one time my “most” holds up. I believe it was the great sage Eminem who spoke “be smart, don’t be a retart.” However, he never warned me about becoming a toast-tart, and thus I did. This is not a picture of me, though. I just told you I wear a disguise! You’d never recognize me in my fancy hat. I hire a salt company to smuggle them inside of stores for me in case I forget.


Millville can put shiny photoshop eyes and a mouth on anything. Don’t think they won’t. Please don’t challenge them.


An inifinite possible number of seperate, ever thinner, fully sentient, utterly immobile bread slice face-oids can be yours for less than the price of a box of cereal from most reputable dealers and precisely equal that price from millville.


The psychotic turtle is probably the sanest of the many millville mascots, and therefore the least interesting. In fact I’m so bored I’m turning this website entry off. I suggest you do the same!



December 31, 2011
I REFUSE TO EXCHANGE MY CRYSTAL FOR YOURS

If the government has the power to give itself more power, then doesn’t it already have that power? The fussing and video linking I encounter decreasingly have meaning to me.

=============================================

If I’ve learned one thing in twenty-eight years clearly I have not been holding myself to a very high standard.
=============================================

2011 in Pictures

Usually I post this in my liverjournal but I haven’t read that in two years so I can’t reasonably expect that anybody else has either.
Also, usually I try to limit the list to one picture per month but I never succeed so this time I didn’t bother. I think you’ll agree that all of this is absolutely relevant.


January

February


March


April


May


June


July

August


September


October


November

December

This really helps you to see at the big picture; you can now easily compare them all to see which it is.



June 30, 2011
Mad Cobra Meets Lt. Stitchie & Beenie Man


======================================

Now I understand why pog does not talk about its family much

Hi want some ice?

I’m proud of you

However absurd a concept, Doom’s day prophecy seems like kind of a grim topic to be joke fodder for a soup discount. Although on that note, “adventure shopping” carries the slightest implication that I may not survive the journey.

Abuelita is my favorite grandma-flavored drink mix.

Harlot Ben Franklin is another good one.

Welcome to America, where we heat-seal plastic bags full of twigs we just found and sell them to you. Skipping stoanz packed in styrofoam coming this July! I expect nothing less than perfection from a product that can’t even legally call itself a “stick.”

Well I’m glad somebody‘s paying attention.

World’s poutiest man sums up our collective populist angst.

Deih deih d’dee that’s all folks!



July 21, 2010
Here comes Swiffer Sweeper

Your not realizing you require con doms until reaching this petroleum station frequented by

gutless thieves outside Pitt’s Burgh may be an indication you have not been contemplating this issue for long enough. Although if the alternative is you suddenly participating in a pregnancy, please do disregard my comments. I’m curious as to why you sought out my approval on this topic at all, quite honestly.

You know I’m all business!

Yes I know this is a short entry. I’ve been having problems lately.

‘ey, gimme a break!

Forget it! I’ve seen what grows from that stuff! Those worms are as good as dead!

I told you I had problems!



July 12, 2010
The Divisional Police Officer, Isaac Ogbogbo, a Chief Superintendent of Police, brought his experience to bear in controlling the crowd that was desperate to see the goats.


seriously I thought that said “July 14” the last time I looked, which would make a July 20 update mildly punctual in my mind. What have I been doing all this time?

================================

Mxy’s famous Bizarre Webcomic now has a proper website! It is at last possible to start at the beginning rather than press “previous 10” 97 times on the livejournal page (or just press it 47 times to find the cbz of the first 400 strips) This is a good thing, I think. Well it might be bad if you were reserving your judgment of it until you could see it from the beginning, asserting that the only reason you didn’t like it was because it didn’t make sense to you, certain that it would make sense if you could do that. Howdy, I never learned how to give compliments. I do like that comic strip, though.

Hey, hey! Calm down! You need more excitement in your life if people on the internet typing about stuff excites you. you should strive to be more like this delightful chap you evidently share a computer with


who is much more reserved and merely suffers from advertisement tourette syndrome. I think you two might get along, though, since you both seem to write post script in the same foreign language.



Do you think this place is really selling mattresses for one dollar? Or maybe just that specific photograph of a mattress used on the sign is for sale? No no, I definitely see a mattress propped against the glass, there. So if it was for sale for a dollar, do you reckon it would be a mattress at all worth having? Anybody selling a mattress that cheap is one step removed from deliberately disposing of it. In fact, this is easier because YOU take it, and then it’s YOUR problem, and you even paid for the privilege. There’s probably a dead body stuffed inside it. My operative in the field, the famed botanist Vance May informs me this location once housed a most Primo Pizza. Your business is really in the proverbial dumpster if a joint that sells mattresses for one dollar, asterisk or otherwise is not only turning a better profit than you but this is enough so that it can force you out. This is the NEW Dollar Haven. There’s another one of these somewhere. They are branching out. Soon they will be everywhere. First our primo pizzas, next it will be our perfect parties and our feminine barns of dresses. What can we use to combat this mattress-marking down menace?


99 CENT POWER! Do you feel it? Do you feel it?!?!

This is so much power I’m not even going to risk getting the other senses involved. Requests to smell one’s power won’t likely get favorable results, I reckon. I prefer not to hear my power, also, because that generally means I’m almost out of hearts.

We can only ignore this problem for so long

yet I don’t want to have to stock up again so soon because I still have plenty of rubber spiders and confused computer ladies in undersized clothing left and I don’t get the discount unless I buy them all together. Dilemmas!

I thought you would sympathize with my cheapness!
 


Some mysterious person requested names of video games I stole pictures out of, and so this time they were Star Tropics and Corn Buster and you should play neither. I don’t know who the blue suit guy with the A on his mask is.



March 3, 2010
The Fonz is a comic book character that first appeared in Happy Days #1

======================================================================================

Somebody recently gave me a compliment to the effect that the stuff I write here now is an improvement over what I used to because it tends to be more focused and less about jumping around between unrelated items I felt like mentioning.

Mmmm, tastes like sox! The packaging purports this to be the “official ice cream of the Boston Red Sox,” The Boston Red Sox being a professional baseball team. I know you don’t use ice cream while playing the game, and you don’t do it while training to play the game… Obviously, everybody uses steroids these days, but they still need to moderate their diet and exercise regularly, two habits which ice cream considers strictly against its principles.




The official severed, plucked, preservatized, frozen, reheated chicken wing of professional Futbol at least has protein in it. All the teams can agree on that, it seems. And while there is always, for it exists outside time, the official pizza of Nascar, Nascar is the only “sport” of the bunch that is done while sitting down, which is conducive to pizza eating.

Ha ba, I used to think that page was long.


Despite millenia of accumulated knowledge, many mysteries yet remain in this world. For example:

Why does this box of corn flakes have a recipe for Rice Crispies treats printed inside it in Spanish?


“Oops,” facebook? You’re used by millions of “people” every day and sell more ads than an xbox game with a flat surface in it, and the best you can do when something goes wrong is say “oops?” You could at least tell me that imbecile yella animal on the left had something to do with it. I would accept that. I wouldn’t FORGIVE it, but I would better understand how things came to be this way.



Meet Robert Pattinson, the world’s most photogenic hobo. He seems a bad choice for a calendar, though, as I get the impression he has no idea what year it is, much less the specific day. I assume this guy is an actor in one of those vampire movies, since for one reason or another men who look dirty are good at distracting tweenfidels from horrible scripts. Yeah, guy, the bow tie isn’t…

I’ll tell you later. That’s the way to be famous, though, because during your inevitable sex scandal/drug addiction, tabloid photographers can’t possibly get worse looking pictures of you as “proof” that your career is on the outs. “Robert Pattinson, seen here looking dazed, hair uncombed, face unshaven, might very well still be getting regular work.”


I know it’s about teenagers, but this seems like a bad time to get casual with the language.

Good friends anti-racism cereal. I notice this is a high fiber cereal. Is Kashi an advocate of increased diplomacy with my bowels? Are we trying to open up talks with excrement? Are we going to be negotiating ACROSS THE TABLE with intestinal terrorists?


Headshot: it’s like getting your brains blown out with bullets! What’s next, curb-stomp brand fruit snacks? Why, that’s about as appetizing as construction equipment and building material.


You shouldn’t eat snacks all the time, anyhow.

How about some rusted tow truck soup?

Or perhaps this, the only soup that you risk having eat you first.

Is this commercialization and masculine/feminization of every possible thing necessary or truly desirable, o supermarket?
I used to think it was pretty neat that I could have fruit snacks with numbers on them and canned soupoid substances containing things shaped like sharks, and look how I turned out. A gender-dysphoric, anti-corporate whiner who hates to buy unnecessary things. And nevermind.



Nobody I know has a website anymore

Mr. Sr. Mxy
Nowhere
Titash
pc72
Pickford
Gilhodes (bah you need a facebook account to see)
video game music database
pacific novelty
Green Lantern Head Trauma

i warned you about this
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