July 6, 2008

On the subject of Super Mario Brothers and invalids, in that thing which I wrote yesterday and not two years ago, I thought I would treat you to my favorite retarded rom-hack of that game, Super Wheelchair Mario. Not even brothers, just [Super] Wheelchair Mario. That Luigi is also available is an added bonus. Unlike the version I’ve had for years, which would only run in Nestical, because that’s the best, classiest emulator of all the times, I copied the changed graphics into a closer-to-functioning rom and passed the amazing on to you. It seems appropriate that a game about a guy in a wheelchair needs special assistance to be more accessible. I would commit a disservice to show numerous pictures of it with my special witty commentary when the game itself can be downloaded, played, and forgotten about in fifty-seven seconds.
Like so. Of course it’s zipped; Do you think I am made of kilobytes?!

Another of my favorites, though I don’t find it nearly as profound, is “Lesbian Tennis,” in which the women tennis players have their clothing drawn off, with large black pixel rectangles about their nipply and crotchal regions. See, you know they’re lesbians because they’re naked! It reminds me of a story Weekly World News printed maybe about 1997 (I actually have a stack of the things, never having thrown one out, but I fear to look through them (and not just because they themselves are beneath a stack of turn-of-the-century MAD magazines)) about a gay cow-boy. How can you tell he’s gay? Because he rides a horse while just wearing underwear, and, to a lesser extent, from his mustache.

Regarding the famous Super Nakio, he HAS to be naked. It’s part of his name. Naked is all he knows. He is impervious to clothing. Quite finkly, it would disgrace his family heritage were he to not be naked.

As an unfortunate post-script to this thing I wrote today and not one year and 364 days ago and did not forget about, I decided that you really needed a picture of Super Nakio in action, and I could not find it among the huge archive of asinine mario hacks I downloaded [fairly recently]. I then looked-over a presumably more recently updated rom site, and giggle-searched for the phrase “super nakio” or just “nakio” itself, perhaps hoping to find it mentioned in someone’s online resume. Ehhh, no dicks dice.* The only result I could find for it was this page in which somebody complains about someone searching for super nakio. I am always glad to help. But it is my sad conclusion that Super Nakio does not, in fact, exist. Not that there is a shortage of hacks in which Mario is naked, just none called “Nakio.” Alas.

First brought to my attention eight years ago on this page, it seemed to me perfectly reasonable to assume Nakio was real, and all this time I never for a moment considered the possibility that maybe, just maybe, he was not to be. There may be Super Naked Badminton, Naked Little Mermaid and Super Nazi Penis Cartel Freedom Fighters 3 (and there are), but no nakio. It is but a legend, a story of hope passed down from a harsher yet somehow more optimistic time. Nakio lives in our hearts, at least. Now I am upset and desire ice cream. *I also am ashamed and desire eggrolls.


It was never my intention to have a Nakio eulogy at the top of my page for longer than a few hours, much less two days. But sometimes that’s just the way things are.

7 Responses
  1. 1
    5:26 pm, July 8, 2008

    Lesbian TV 69 sez:

    I know I didn’t make “Nakio” up out of thin air, but you’re right; I’ll be damned if I can find it anywhere. Even the fresh-as-of-May-2008 GoodNES ROM set I just downloaded doesn’t have the damned thing, and it has all sorts of ROM hacks that really ought to know better.

    I am so sorry to have dug this hole in your heart and left you standing without anything to fill it with.

  2. 2
    10:10 pm, July 8, 2008

    An old geezer sez:

    I’ve never quite grasped how not only does a signifcant portion of the population seem to think that slapping an afro or a wheeled chair on Marius (and doing little else to the game other than this) was enough to make their creation worthy of playing, but an even larger segment of the population seems to agree with them enough to aid in making such addled works available for public consumption.

    Mind, other hacks do some extremely impressive things…

  3. 3
    8:26 pm, July 9, 2008

    Slengof sez:

    LESter: Verily, ’tis a shame about Nakio. I appreciate you showing up to console me in these difficult times. Nude Punch Out (Punch Out!! Hack) thankfully is only too real.

    One who geezes: Wheelchair Mario is special. There’s just something magical about the way the wheelchair rises out of the block and slides around until it can increase Mario’s abilities. He becomes handi-capable. “Wheelchair Bizarrio,” however, I find in poor taste and do not like at all. There’s four different versions of the Super KKK Bros. rom, which, if nothing else, seriously undermine any message they might be in support of. “Yeah, we’re still working on that whole master race thing, but here are a variety of custom editions of KKK bros. to run on any emulator.” Also, I think, worth analyzing are the seemingly arbitrary names Mario sometimes ends up with. In “Escape From Planet Transsexual,” for example, he is called Eddie, and Luigi, in the event you find someone else who’d like to take turns playing it with you, is Scott. Why? What about Eddie seems more in need of escaping from a transsexual planet than Mario? In “Pill Bros,” the player is simply Mario without a head, named Chuck or Smith. “Super 69 Bros,” in which Mario also has no head, stars Sapoi and mercifully 2 player mode cannot be selected. “Super Giama Bros By Lugia_13gr” throws a swerve ball and showcases the astounding talents of Giama and uh Rgiama. I like to think all of these have elaborate stories to go with them, in which somehow, just through some twist of crazy fate one startlingly original protagonist after another finds himself with exactly three chances to traverse a largely scenery-less void world where he must hop on foes, smash bricks with his fist and throw bouncing fireballs all while mysterious music eerily similar to the Super Mario Brothers theme loops endlessly. “Bloody Ax Brox” curiously stars Mario, but he looks like an ax. Sort of.

    As we’ve acknowledged in the past, there’s really not a whole lot you can do to the most basic old games that can make them interesting anew. I don’t even really want good mario hacks because I’m not going to play through 32 more levels of that rubbish anyway. The only ones that are interesting are also impossible. Super Mario World seems a better choice, indeed. Although I’d still rather play new levels for countless other games I presume are too complicated for anyone to bother attempting to craft an editing tool for.

    I will complain about anything.

  4. 4
    7:16 am, July 10, 2008

    A new geezer sez:

    The above would have made a rather good basis for a proper update in itself, you know.

    Also, while the original Super Mario Bros. may provide limited materials for expanded gameplay, it does make for surprisingly insightful, hypnotic, Beckett-on-peyote style reflections on entropy.

  5. 5
    10:01 pm, July 11, 2008

    Slengof sez:

    I wouldn’t have watched that for just anyone. I hope you realize that. I suspect I will seek out the rom that was recorded from and download it despite everything.

  6. 6
    2:16 am, August 1, 2010

    740298 sez:

    I would like to exchange links with your site bimshwel.com
    Is this possible?

  7. 7
    4:49 pm, August 1, 2010

    Frubaklop sez:

    No you wouldn’t!

feed comments.

Sorry, the comment form is apologizing at this time. Which probably means I got tired of deleting robot comments off this post. It is unfortunate, but generally very few actual people have anything to say to me.

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