the heating system in my eh room broke. Ordinarily, in summer, that wold not be an issue of immediate importance. However, it broke so it’s always on and quite, and it’s right beside my magic computer machine and so my options are limited at the moment.

When you buy a Dora the Explorer fishing rod (yeah, I see you), it must be because you really love cardboard packaging, because that’s about the extent to which your sea-life kidnapping experience can be considered dora-y. You’re not even getting the base superficiality of Flintstones vitamin pills here. Really, that makes about as much sense as

Disney Brand Raisins. How I long for the more innocent, simple times of

Disney Brand Ravioli. Note that this is not a proper, remotely reputable food company licensing characters to appear on its box. This is a company which owns some characters deciding it will use alchemy to convert a useless animation studio into a processing plant ^{[citation needed]} to manufacture food which incorporates vague aspects of their designs. Yeah, we’re not into that whole “nice looking cartoon” thing so much anymore. However, any professional animators made obsolete by some punk who downloaded Flash have the exclusive opportunity to apply for a job taping little circles together. Oink, remember when Disney was afraid so badly to market PG and R rated movies that it made a new company with a different name to handle that? Now it’s not even worried about something in a totally unrelated field of business bearing the name. I mean… Coca Cola won’t even sell Coke brand water without calling it Dasani, and that’s a liquid consumable.

I remember when I thought it was weird that there was more than one Disney cereal, with evidently their own private store section, even with General Mills overseeing production. Fortunately I still do. Also: There are hundreds of changes you could make to have Mickey Mouse be less fundamentally unappealing, but converting it into creepy low-detail heavy gradient 3d was the only thing I’d actually expect to happen. There are less boxes not because people bought them; most likely they just hid.

So maybe you’d like a Superman fishing rod instead.

The classic question: what’s the difference between Superman and Dora fishing rods? The answer: eighty cents. If you said something outrageous like “one dollar, thirty cents,” you must have confused this with the difference between Dora and

Dora. Don’t let it happen again. And how low have the Disney Princesses fallen? First they had to eat cereal for breakfast and now they need to catch their own fish. With little plastic rods.

Indeed.
I guess when traveling through time, space, geography and the unmendable tear in my soul to meet up, none of them thought to bring along any sacks of gold or diamond tiaras or magic non-reverting glass slippers (though it wasn’t quite Terminator style since they’re all still wearing their custom marshmallow flavored dresses), and the point they arrived at refused to offer them any special accommodations. A pity they didn’t think to consult Sailor Moon, who managed to hide the Imperium Silver Crystal in her left eye for 1000 years*. Of course, having Belle, who’s not a princess but in fact just some lady from France, at the front representing them, it’s no surprise the princess’ credentials were doubted. She’s a filthy commoner like Cinder-Ella, and everybody knows it. Convenient marriages need not be a factor; remember this gang also includes The Little Mermaid, who grows legs, ceasing to be a mermaid, long before Belle seals any deals. It must also be noted that she willingly appeared as a non-princess, rather a prisoner, in no less than two sequels in which she still hangs out with The Beast. I feel like I know too much about this.

*Or something like that.