A few times ago I talked about dogs. Here are some cat things, because I have been conditioned to imagine there is some sort of instinctual rivalry between the two species because I watch cartoons.

Please do not be tempted to go diving wearing an old timey helmet but without any means for obtaining oxygen. This cat is an experienced professional who trained under… water, I imagine.

Your skepticism is well placed! That is an absurd notion, considering that you are not a cat.

Are you likewise “tempted” to wear a diaper or to dress your cat in one? If so, you probably have an easier time relating to people on the internet than I do and thus I have no right to criticize you.

Here is some cat food for… oh excuse me that is Frito’s brand bean dip. It is a substance that you dip your beans into. The frito layers pack it in cat food cans to fool their enemies, the beans, who dislike being dipped, but enjoy cat food. Beans are ignorant of the ways of the world. Well, some are, anyway.

That is a good question! I wish you had asked me before you wrote this book! Since you didn’t I am going to forward your inquiry to the next person below me in the chain of command


Santa Claus only takes/leaves the finest steroid jelly beans. I assume he returns them when he is finished with them, because these are the kind of steroids that improve your skill at making steroids. Additionally, since these aren’t approved by dopes they are therefore legal and Santa gets to keep his sponsorship deals and continue appearing in advertisements like this, and more importantly


he gets to continue cycling unstripped.

True, it would seem somebody has already made off with his pants, I’d say he’d best track down the offender (no need to utilize a replacement; he may gain a psychological advantage over the thief) and get equipped anyway


for it appears we have challengers. Very resourceful ones, at that; Although lacking lower bodies and thus a motivation to steal pants, they may steal your hat to protect them from the unidentified white substance dripping down from the radioactive black gelatin mold that floats above them.