July 5, 2009

My back hurts.

*******************************

The Geico “cave men” series of advertisements depends on the viewer understanding that these people are themselves endlessly, hopelessly surrounded by Geico ads. That, to me, is the more tragic aspect of their un-relievable plight than that they can’t quite get respect as human beings. Even if they weren’t second class citizens they still couldn’t get away from Geico. And the Geico company itself has no problem with its ads being depicted within themselves as inescapable sources of dismay with no regard for the people they continually discriminate against.


TRY! Lean Pockets quesadilla. That’s awfully considerate of Hot Pockets brand Lean Pockets to plead for me to be open minded at this point, after I’ve purchased the item and removed it from its home. Always the chance exists that I will buy an item, take it out from its packaging and then decide I don’t want it. Perhaps I never intended to eat it. Maybe I have a hopeless addiction to opening boxes and non-resealable plastic bags. I could not possibly return the item for store credit at this point. Lean Pockets has already made the sale, and yet still it wants to make sure I eat something. Please, just try it. You have to eat! Just one bite, at least. Do it for me. Think of it as a science experiment. You like monoglopxide mccarbonuke, don’t you?

Here, eat this piece of my head that I just sliced out so I could have a mouth. Don’t be concerned with the fact that by the very nature of where it was, it was essentially in my mouth; I did not have one at the time. You might better devote your thoughts toward how I have terrible eyes or a nose or a body. As to how I put a shirt on over my enormous head, you are mistaken; I do not wear a shirt. I am simply badly burned across my torso. Thanks for your sensitivity, by the way. I do, however, wear flesh colored pants and gloves. By the way, Lotta Melon isn’t my actual name. It’s just some weird thing concocted to sound like “watermelon” so that the sugary drink-product I represent can hint that it is flavored in such a way. What baffles me is why I was chosen to endorse it. I don’t even know what that’s supposed to… you say my head looks like a what? How dare you!


GRABADA! I HUNGER! FEED MY RAGE! I SHALL TASTE THE PAINBOW! GIVE ME ONE GOOD RAISIN NOT TO! YOU CAN’T STOP THE EAT! THE TOOTH HURTS! I’LL SWALLOW YOU ON TWITTER! CHEW FIRST, DIGESTION LATER! IF I, WANNA TAKE A LIME, HOME WITH ME TONIGHT IT’S NONE OF YO CITRUS! YER PLUM OUTTA LUCK, YOU SONOFA PEACH! YOU GOT BIGGER PROBLEMS THAN MELONOMA!

I never could write endings.



23 Responses
  1. 1
    6:16 am, July 7, 2009

    Purplesaurus Rex sez:

    PUR-PLE!

  2. 2
    3:52 pm, July 7, 2009

    Finkeldey Fabrax sez:

    You know what your problem is, Purplesaurus? You don’t think of anyone but yourself.

  3. 3
    1:28 am, July 8, 2009

    Purplesaurus Rex sez:

    PUR-PLE.

  4. 4
    1:51 am, July 9, 2009

    Finkeldey Fabrax sez:

    Maybe if you were less selfish your friends wouldn’t all be extinct. Ooh, dis!

  5. 5
    2:16 am, July 10, 2009

    Purplesaurus Rex sez:

    purple…

  6. 6
    1:36 am, July 11, 2009

    Finkeldey Fabrax sez:

    Don’t you try and flip this back on to me. I wasn’t the one drinking the kool aid kool aid.

  7. 7
    2:10 am, September 24, 2009

    feetblog sez:

    thank you soooooo much for this

  8. 8
    5:39 pm, September 24, 2009

    Mortimewde sez:

    People should read about my feet.

  9. 9
    11:43 pm, September 24, 2009

    People sez:

    No, we most certainly should not.

  10. 10
    9:06 am, September 25, 2009

    shemales sez:

    AWESOME! Great job.

  11. 11
    10:43 am, September 25, 2009

    Kim Jong Il sez:

    No, Shemales. The creepy thing is on the entry for the 23rd of September.

  12. 12
    4:14 pm, September 25, 2009

    Finkeldey Fabrax sez:

    Do not waste your wisdom on the robots, kind Mr. Kim. They are not programmed to learn from their mistakes any better than I am.

  13. 13
    9:28 am, September 26, 2009

    schoolgirl sez:

    Thank you very much!
    Regards!!

  14. 14
    12:18 am, September 27, 2009

    movies sez:

    thanks a lot

  15. 15
    10:46 am, September 27, 2009

    Kim Jong Il sez:

    What a shame.

  16. 16
    1:29 pm, September 27, 2009

    hotmom sez:

    Thanks so much! I’ve looked everywhere for this! You’re amazing!

  17. 17
    12:12 am, September 28, 2009

    A cracked-out Archie Bunker sez:

    Jeez, the robots really love their creepy anthropomorphic watermelons…

  18. 18
    12:36 am, September 30, 2009

    mature sez:

    Totally Awsome!

  19. 19
    1:14 am, September 30, 2009

    Chester O'Chimp sez:

    That last comment was caught by the moderation filter, but I approved it, because I, too, consider maturity to be totally awesome.

    Bunko:
    The robots have good taste in stuff that tastes bad.

  20. 20
    8:25 am, October 1, 2009

    japan sez:

    This site is the BEST!!!
    Thanks a million!

  21. 21
    12:25 am, October 29, 2009

    Umpulurgit sez:

    I am pleased and humbled to have the approval of an entire nation.

  22. 22
    5:28 pm, June 10, 2010

    dietmakert sez:

    dieta
    http://acmehitech.com

  23. 23
    10:28 am, July 24, 2010

    Anonymous sez:

    life insurance companys that accept autism

feed comments.

Sorry, the comment form is apologizing at this time. Which probably means I got tired of deleting robot comments off this post. It is unfortunate, but generally very few actual people have anything to say to me.

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them`s fightin` woids: June 17, 2019
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June 17, 2019
Frimpinheap sez:
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June 17, 2019
Charmlatan sez:
Oh wow elpse really is waiting for lope before leaving. Could making secondary characters yellow...
June 6, 2019
Frimpinheap sez:
I imagine that leprechauns are bound by arbitrary stupid magic laws that control their behavior...
June 6, 2019
pindohodo sez:
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Purplespace sez:
I always thought Lucky the leprechaunish creature was odd in that he seemed to want people to...
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