June 29, 2009

I have been busy, lately. The internet has been regularly dysfunctional. These are not good circumstances for keeping websites.

00000000000000000000000000000000


Am I better off with total whitening or total advanced whitening? How is it possible to advance beyond total? Does the advanced one make teeth translucent? Is it just more challenging? How can this goop hope to accomplish any whitening at all without


whitening oxygen bubbles? Clearly, they are essential. Ha ha, I pity any poor fool who bought normal advanced whitening without knowing oxygen bubbles had been invented. That person is doomed to a life of sub-caucasian bite bricks.
I actually tried this eventually, and you’ll be surprised to know that in actual usage it’s exactly the same as every other toothpaste I’ve ever used.


I might go so far as to declare that the finest regular I’ve ever tasted.

How are there so many different types of toothpaste, with so little information provided to help a person choose? Is it important which one I use? I did not think it was like with soda or salsa or saltlakrids, where it’s a trivial thing I don’t need, am actually better off without, and should choose entirely upon the whim of a moment. This is supposed to be a tool for cleaning a sensitive, integral series of body components. It’s a health issue, not a fashion conundrum. Yes, there are heaps of soaps, too, but they are competing soap brands offering similar products. This is one brand offering similar products. When you do see multitudes of soap under one label it tends to be about the various smells they give off. I try to avoid smelling people’s teeth.

This article’s author has encountered far more colgates than I, but doesn’t answer, nor ask the question of what’s actually in the interests of teeth themselves (it does, however, include a picture which clicking upon causes to appear a javascript window with a smaller version of the picture inside it). Do I want to prevent cavities or fight plaque? Why do we lack the technology to do both? Long ago it was my understanding that all toothpastes did all these things. Now, though, they’ve gone soft. Toothpaste? More like toothglue! Eh eh eh.


Which of these is actually the most beneficial is impossible to discern. Not just because your deteriorating vision has rendered the print a blurry, unintelligible mess, but because each paste type only includes the check boxes which would be checked. They are, in effect, mere bullet points, but this makes them seem like bonus features. Which reminds me…


With Webster Premier Banking you get 5000 bonus points. Do you have any idea what that means? That means you’ll be one fourth of the way toward getting your first extra life. What other bank can promise you something so matenopoulos?

See! Only Wachovia gives you a Way to Save. You don’t even need extra lives when your bank has exclusive access to the Imperial Scrolls of Honor. Truly a glamorous bonus.



HEYDALYDOO! SOMEBODY CALL ME? STOMP STOMP

No, Baramos Bomus! Nobody ever calls you! Get out of here! You are not needed at this time! Go away before your friends show up…


GOOD MORNING! IT’S GREAT TO STAY UP LATE WITH YOUR OLD BUDDY OLD PAL BARAMOS GONUS! SHQUAWK

Wonderful. Now there’s some idiot purple monster skeleton here. Surely you can admit that’s kind of stupid.



WHAT DO YOU MEAN “KIND” OF STUPID?


Aren’t you glad I don’t update this site every two days anymore?


No way, man! This article is almost as awesome as purity rings and Family Friendly Flatulence inspired by a best selling book series!

This is the saddest day of my life.



6 Responses
  1. 1
    4:56 pm, July 1, 2009

    A comptroller sez:

    Now I am in comptrol!

  2. 2
    11:56 am, July 2, 2009

    Finkeldey Fabrax sez:

    I was wondering why I had suddenly lost my comptrol!

  3. 3
    2:18 am, July 3, 2009

    A comptroller sez:

    You know, if you didn’t carelessly leave your comptrol lying around all the time, things like this wouldn’t happen.

  4. 4
    7:22 pm, July 3, 2009

    Finkeldey Fabrax sez:

    Don’t blame it on me. That’s a total compout.

  5. 5
    7:51 pm, July 3, 2009

    Pigbuster sez:

    The only thing more abhorrent than there being a movie about a dog with gastrointestinal complications in the making is the thought of the trailers for such a film. More specifically, the thought of having to sit through such a trailer. Beverly Hills Chihuahuagabor was difficult enough, but I may very well be forced to leave the room via flimsy excuse by Farting Dog, The.

    I admit I am being overly prudish, here. It’s just that trailers always make their respective movies look worse than they really are because they can only show off little bits that make sense out of context, and I assume in this case, the best trailer material will be every fart joke, and won’t that be fun to watch in a crowded theater. Fffhhfgh. The day I stop letting things like this bother me will be a happy day indeed.

  6. 6
    6:28 pm, July 4, 2009

    Finkeldey Fabrax sez:

    Movies about dogs are always bad. Movies starring contemporary non-actor celebrities are also always bad. I don’t know if there are many movies about posterial methane emissions, but I have no reason to assume those are not bad. Trailers about everything are always bad. I’ve written heaps of junk complainings just by seeing ads for movies. A flimsy excuse for attempting to evade this one will not exist.

    So yes, it is logical to assume this production will cause quite an amount of pain and discomfort in people other than the dog long before it is released into thee-ate-ers. Additionally, since the Jonas Brothers, all of them, somehow, appear in it, providing they are still famous, this will be visible and inescapable to a greater degree than other similar bad movies typically would. Beyond the initial novelty value of getting to hear the typical ho-promotion brigade have to say the title, no good will come of it.

feed comments.

Sorry, the comment form is apologizing at this time. Which probably means I got tired of deleting robot comments off this post. It is unfortunate, but generally very few actual people have anything to say to me.

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them`s fightin` woids: September 20, 2019
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