February 9, 2010

I am trying to write the next thing, but it is very boring. So watch out.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Even Wikipedia does not know why Craig Slist wants me to support Wikipedia.

All it knows is that Jaffa Cakes are very controversial.

Obviously, these things are cookies. However, they are sold as cakes because for some reason cookies in England are “value added” taxed, but only if they have valuable chocolate added to them, yet cakes aren’t ever. Rather than argue that this differentiation is stupid and arbitrary, Jaffa Inc. convinced a judge that the cakes are in fact cakes because they get hard when stale, and that worked, and so they are not subject to the extra tax. The American legal system isn’t the only one that’s silly.

I think it has something to do with cakes being considered “food” and biscuits being considered snacks. If they have chocolate on them. Because that’s just the way the English do things. You couldn’t very well have your afternoon tea without cake, could you? Why it’s the most important meal of the day old boy. As it is also the only one without bacon in it, a suitable substitute is required. Next they’ll be wanting to tax our chip butties and our monocles, what?


The issue on that page is whether or no it’s relevant that Jaffa was in Palestine at the time when Jaffa cakes were invented, even though it isn’t, since these things are Jaffa-y in name only, but I suppose it doesn’t hurt to be aware. Here, though, it is only brought up to be a source of contention, because a surprisingly large amount of people have been killed over what a very small geographical region is called and this makes everything right. Jaffa has also been a part of the Byzantine and Ottoman empires, just not at the time when a silly sugary object was created elsewhere by people oblivious to the conflict.


I have eaten some. They are rather a bit like hostess cupcakes… and those are neither cookie nor cake. I’m not sure what they are. Not “natural,” certainly. They’re whatever pop tarts are. Some weird manufactured things that are too soft to be cookies, but too industrial to be cakes.

The picture on the box is, not surprisingly, enlarged to seem larger. I neglected to take a picture of this box to prove that to you, but I’ve requested that you believe stranger things than that which is printed there. “The squidgy orange bit,” as the package so regrettably refers to the squidgy orange bit as, is never centered and always has a clear seam around it which makes it look simultaneously smaller and uninvited. Yet the box claims both the biscuit itself and the orange part are considerably larger than they were at some unspecified previous point in time, a thought which upsets me. These things are schmofully inadequate as they are.

As to where I acquired Jaffa cakes, myself being a resident of some united states, I went to Big Y, the WORLD CLASS MARKET. It is a classy market of the world. It brings me classy goods from all over the world. Small, local, struggling brands from far off places often find their ways into the big y’s famous shelves.

Ahoy there, rabies! I done found the carbonated treasure yup.

If I had ever considered wandering from y’s influence for any reason, I now know things can get no better, with good old Eli around. What say you, my good, albeit inconsistently drawn man?

Whaaaaa? Can I do nothing to change your mind? It would be a dark fact indeed if you left. The morning just doesn’t grow the same without you! You simply must stay!

Please do not be angry, Adol! That is not what I wanted at ol!

Alas, what a tragic existence! I can already feel my life pulsing toward ruin. I hate to spend valestine castle’s day alone!

Fine then, be off, fair Adol. You were my idol (Maybe I will construct a doll to remember you with). I was a fool to think I had anything to offer you; you already have 057 RING. Perhaps I will go to the pet shelter and get a Dogi of my own. I will differentiate him from yours by gluing a hat to his head.

Wait, come back! I have good news!

That’s the spirit. Though I think you’re supposed to drink the stuff rather than dump it and sail over it.

On a related topic, at this time of year when people pay tribute to their advertising masters so that they may be spared from elimination, I give praise to this advertisement for doing the improbable and making the graphics seem worse than they actually are.



10 Responses
  1. 1
    10:06 pm, February 10, 2010

    ifihadjo sez:

    Please don’t make me go on any adventures with Capt’n Eli. I just cannot stand the thought of being stuck on the high seas with someone who uses an apostrophy in their name.

  2. 2
    12:53 am, February 11, 2010

    Cesium seizer sez:

    Capt’n E is “world class” now?

    The second semester of my freshman year of college, I returned to my residence to find that one of my roommates, who at the end of the previous semester had left for good, had left a Jaffa cake on my alarm clock as a parting gift (my other two living companions received them in on a bedpost and inside a desk drawer, respectively). In the meantime they had indeed grown rather hard (though were otherwise æsthetically unblemished), lending some small support to the above described argument. I have no doubt this event was cited as evidence in court.

    More recently, my sister apparently decided to purchase a box of the baked goods via eBay and had them shipped to me all the way from the UK. Why, precisely, I’m still not entirely sure. As I recently spotted them in the international aisle of the local grocery store (a place that doesn’t even sell red lentils anymore), this indeed strikes me as an even stranger gesture than the first.

    Finally, I was not hitherto aware there was even one set of wanderers from Ys, let alone three. I’m always the last to hear about this sort of thing.

  3. 3
    2:49 am, February 13, 2010

    A skeleton sez:

    BONE appétit!

  4. 4
    3:39 pm, February 13, 2010

    Fonbiyulb sez:

    Hadjo
    You will travel along with the cap’t’n and you’ll like it, too! He and I go way back and I will not have him disrespected on my website!

    Centrum Silver
    There are more than three! It was ported to almost as many systems as Pac-Man and Tetris for reasons that can be known by nobody. I owned a copy of the one shown here, which to my great fortune was also the only one developed by American Sammy.

    In addition to Jaffa cakes, Big Y also sells what I presume is the mainland Europe dominant ripoff product, Tago Delicante.

    I made this guess based on the package’s reverse side, which listed the ingredients in every possible language in conveniently tiny print.

    Skelebones:
    For someone without nerves, you sure have some nerve!

  5. 5
    1:37 am, February 14, 2010

    A skeleton sez:

    Are you saying you have a bone to pick with me?

  6. 6
    9:29 am, February 16, 2010

    A skeleton sez:

    No snappy retort this time, eh? Maybe you’d better bone up on your repartee! Kee-hee-hee-hee-hee!

  7. 7
    11:09 am, February 16, 2010

    Fonbiyulb sez:

    No bones about it. I didn’t have the guts. I didn’t have what it didn’t take tibia championship snapsmith like yourself. I need a skeleton more practice. I’m just a nobody. Maybe I’ll start training tomarrow.

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