September 29, 2012

I tried to write three different updates today, Saturday. And so I finished none of them. I did successfully bathe, however, and almost combed my hair. The goal is to gradually yank out so much that hair that anything over a certain length is gone and the oldest hair yanked out has by then regrown to more a more reasonable length and I never have to cut it again so long as I keep up the process.


You seem upset. It seems like you’re asking me “AREN’T you READY for the football YET??! It’s been out here WAITING. What are you DOING up there?” I would appreciate more patience and courtesty!

I will spare you my personal bus fare woes and do my best to assume $50 is actually really cheap for interstate round-tripe transportation and admission to a foot-ball contest, even if the thought of allocating 7-9 hours beyond that for such a thing profoundly depresses me. I would prefer to just give you $50 and have you tell me what a great time I had. However it would be more convincing if you said I was miserable the entire time and was nearly arrested for walking in a strange place.

I think it’s your job to tell me, and before I make time to go look at it. Also I think I know who took your question mark.

I thought I had a better picture of this, but I must have merely intended to take one after I brought this newspaper page to my home with the specific purpose of scanning it. Months later I found it jammed beneath my bureau and wondered why I still had it, since surely I had already scanned it, and decided to make waste of it to clear out needless clutter. And then today I looked and it was still there. So:

What it is: a front page notice for an internal feature on the Top Ten 1990s animated series. What could this possibly be bigger news than?

A guide for matching underwear to outer clothing, Useful if somebody throws a cartoon bomb at you that shreds your clothing so that all layers are partially visible but leaves you otherwise intact to complete your day’s mission once you’ve wiped off the blackface soot caricature. Written by an infantile twit who thinks “undies” is a word worth printing under some circumstance. I could understand if the author had some compulsive clothe-matching disorder. In fact that’s about the only context in which I would be curious. I still wouldn’t want to read about it.

Also, Bear in Underwear and Duckling Gets a Cookie?!?!?!? Young readers are being primed for tumblr posting. I think this is the same creative team that handles the university mass emails.

By your admission, everyone does this, so you come into the matter expecting no one to care. I shall now care harder than you deserve.

1. They’re frighteningly drawn, the background music is annoying, it employed one of the voices from Country Crock ads. Don’t ever challenge me to dislike something. That’s even the one 90s cartoon on the list I ever watched because I wanted to.

2. Great, you watched the intro. I couldn’t get past the smug saxaphone music. I didn’t know music COULD be smug until Hey Arnold. That music just thinks it sums up urban living. Hey we’re just trying to get by, man. You don’t need no fancy swimming pool and fax machine man. We got the music and the feeling and the bonds of our community. I want to punch that music for being so satisfied with itself and its universal life lessons that consistently left me bored and unmotivated and its infallible traditions mixing all the worst of the old country and the old religion that breed monotony and ensure anyone who’s a bit peculiar will be most unwelcome. I remember I went to a school (Cedarhurst) with “community meetings” in 199x and those were comprised of the most evil people I’d ever met talking about their feelings. It was disgusting. And all because of Hey Arnold’s smirky saxaphones. The cartoon was pretty lousy, too. That’s probably why the Cedarhurst students watched and imitated South Park instead.
Also, fire your typesetter. Not because of the truly basic error committed in letting the latter portion of a hyphenated word be on a line by itself, but because I don’t believe you employ a typesetter and am disparaging you in a roundabout fashion.

3. Here are some names. They prove nothing. You think you’re doing a public service just by reminding me they exist. You’re like those people who upload static pictures of copyrighted characters to youtube and only ever contribute the commentary “memories.” Remember that time we looked at the glowing box?

4. Was it hard to find utterly mundane dialog to quote that makes no sense out of context that will do nothing to inspire any interest in what you’re talking about? That’s only barely odd.

5. Ha ha ascots are hilarious, right? Just saying “ascot” gets you a Jimmy Kimmel pass on your comedy routine. You ought to add a treatise on the box art for the first Megaman game and FOR SCIENCE for science good measurement (measuring is more of a mathematical matter). I consulted my list of topics that are always safe but I was distracted when a ferret with an unusually detailed manly facial expression rode by on a unicycle.

6. Yeah those were the days, weren’t they. Why say anything? You have NOTHING. A crouton could do your job. That program is notable for definitively signalling the era of cartoons inspired exclusively by stereotypes of existent cartoons with no connection to nature or real human emotion. Nobody ever needs to learn to draw ever again. Splat sproing eye-poit awkward silence catch-phrase exaggerated vocal intonation blue-tinted glasses. Or maybe I just thought it was ugly and never really watched it. My disdain for it is also a stereotype, of what I usually hate cartoons from this period for. Which I could be criticized for, and would therefore be a more intellectually stimulating use of this space.

7. All you got from the program is that the titular character has a food service job?

8. Good work, you actually gave me some information. However, you didn’t even notice that the main character on the previous show was a sponge so a protagonist of unlikely biological composition may not be an inherent designation of quality.

9. Evidently this is not an animation at all but an audio recording which brought shame onto a lyrical void-filler from the 1950s. I assume Ray Mundo is the asteroid-headed cavern-mouthed round-toothed goon on the show who writes utterly daft newspaper columns. Rocket Power’s inclusion is the most promising aspect of the list, though, as far as sincere or unique thoughts go, because prior to now I’d never heard of anybody liking Rocket Power at all.

10. “enough said” is NEVER enough, unless you say nothing at all, but you already didn’t. You shouldn’t have needed nine practice attempts to realize you were irrelevant.

This production really brings out the brevity in our popular culture-acknowledging space occupiers. Although that page actually follows the brevity with a paragraph of impenetrable rubbish which boosts the word quantity considerably. TROPES!

It is an article that computes the value of an obscure character by the amount of crummy internet image-repeating non-gags based on it. I should be as annoyed by it but I never found it waiting for me beside the entrance at a place that I paid money to attend.

Is it fair of me to criticize the cartoon list without presenting a counter-list? Yes. It is nothing less than benevolent of me to spare the internet one more arbitrarily enumerated countdown. I’m not sure there are even 10 1990s cartoons that I’ve watched enough to make a definitive rank for, much less that I liked. I remember watching lots of Ninja Turtles during the period but it would greatly sadden me to presume there are at most nine things better than that. Hey Arnold definitely isn’t one of them. I realize the ninja turtles moving picture program premiered in 1987, but this author’s criteria seem to only require that something aired in the 1990s, which makes the limited range of entries seem all the more myopic. I want to see this bofis’ top ten 1990s video games list. It’s probably all the Tony Hawk titles, Croc and one of Namco’s annual full-price rereleases of Ms. Pac Man.

This is the editor’s note. this is the part of the newspaper that is at the sole discretion of the person in charge. If it’s assembled from reader or staff input, that would be less of a non-story (and so some of my ire less justifiable, but it would also be less cruel and personal and thus equally justifiable) but it doesn’t say even that. “Dear readers, there is something important I have to tell you: my parents locked out all but 2 channels and I couldn’t find any hints in a cartoon about people wearing bell-bottom pants who drive around in a psychedelic-colored van that place it firmly and unquestionably in the 1960s because my upbringing was so sheltered and I just take pictures from wherever I feel like.” The image adorning the section is watermarked “” and filled with what appear to be stock images or pointlessly on-model renditions of various characters from the 2 cartoon channels.

There it is, that didn’t take long. I’d love to tell the artist this school newspaper just ganked it off her page without permission, but evidently this wasn’t the first such incident and it’s just a heap of boring copies of hideous characters anyhow (also, now it’s on MY page, and twice). This appears to be, by far, the most popular work in her gallery, which is comprised otherwise of realistic human portraits dissimilar to this (apart from them also being close copies).

I should have taken advantage of this to complain about how offended I was, but then I’d probably be invited to write the subsequent edition of the newspaper, and then I would have to motivate myself with the horrifying thought that somebody might be reading it regularly.

I generally do not associate with readers.

4 Responses
  1. 1
    12:03 pm, October 5, 2012

    PurpleSpace sez:

    How can’t the duckling get a cookie? It seems inevitable.

    What a bland list of cartoon shows. Each one stars a character of a similar mindset, making me think the creator of the list is not capable of relating to a character of any other. Plus, not one takes place in outer space! I think the writer was confusing Rocket Power with the actual concept of propelling things into orbit as opposed to any actual thing on television.

  2. 2
    2:07 pm, October 5, 2012

    Rororivis sez:

    Boring people identify with boring characters.
    I think this editor (there were two credited, both with masculine-seeming names) might be a contemporary, twitly loyal viewer who doesn’t remember the cartoons on the few channels he was allowed to watch that weren’t rerun incessantly into the next decade or that aren’t rerunning now (or perhaps merely does not recall the first half of the decade). The person looked up which series were made in the 1990s and maybe saw that an incarnation of Scooby Doo was produced through 1991, unaware that this was A Pup Named Scooby Doo which was not quite the same thing (I am thankful I don’t know enough about it to despise it, but my mother sure did, somehow) and aired on TBS anyhow, which we’ve already established he wasn’t allowed to watch.

    If the author legitimately remembered 199x he might have been aware that the Tintin cartoon aired on the Rugrats channel then. I like the comics better, evidently I’m required by my accessible bits of nerd-dom to say it, but Tintin himself is as much of blank entity as Doug and has a more varied range of activities (plus far superior background music). Their personal wardrobes exhibit a similar puzzlement at what non-weirdos dress themselves in. I hesitate to say “Doug grows up to be Tintin” more because I despise Doug than because there is much to disprove the possibility.
    Tintin is supposed to be “realistic” and even he’s been in space.

  3. 3
    3:24 am, March 18, 2015

    Prescription Pudding Pinged With:

    […] without any credit to the admittedly uninspired but none-the-less credit-worthy artists. I realize braindead lists are nothing new, and people have gotten real money for the task of acknowledging that products […]

  4. 4
    10:41 pm, March 18, 2015

    Prescription Pudding Pinged With:

    […] realize brainbread lists are nothing new, and people have gotten paid for the task of acknowledging that things exist and […]

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