March 8, 2013

I wrote something for march seventeenth. is march eighteenth now. probably better to wait, then. I don’t trust it.


Another inadvertent two week absence. My ability to pay attention to things has been waning, but by May I should either be back to some temporary regularity or have progressed to the next phase of irregularity. But for now, where were we?

That is understandable. I do not necessarily recognize me, either. I promise not to make you look at me. This website is for looking at things I have critical opinions of, but only when I can stand to look at them.

Something I always feel good about seeing, a doctor who looks to 1998 AOL email forwards for decoration inspiration.
No, there would not be peace, because those women would likely resent the roles they had gotten stuck in of having to do all the work, often work that nobody asked for but were feared to be silently expecting, and not get money or recognition for it.

I realize this sort of thing is a joke and not meant to be interpreted literally, but the people who write them, male or female, have no interest in peace. They think there is a “battle of The sexes” that, regardless of whether it can be won, must be “fought” forever, but primarily in trivial competitions that demean both sides, and they demand two “sides.” They never stop thinking men wearing dresses (or just underwear) and talking dogs are funny (hence the previous 20+ years of cinema comedy). They must always honk a car horn twice and knock on a door in a “shave and a haircut” rhythm. These are the millions who watch super bowls for the advertisements and may claim to “not like football” and think I will be fine with that explanation. Closeminded twits who are only impressionable when something is tacky.

For example, here is an advertisement advertising a real business that says “COVER YOUR ASSets.” See [or don’t, because my camera objected and refused to aim directly at it] it says ASS but then it says ets so it’s not REALLY saying “ass” even though “ass” is the implication, and it focuses on the posterior areas of the people in the photograph. If it had just said “asses” it would be deemed obscene by the uppity people in town, and even though it actuality does say and imply ASS, since it legally “doesn’t,” this satisfies morons, because their only objection to anything is one that they have learned. Since they learn primarily through advertising, such as this, or heavily sponsored garbage with the same values, they consider it oh ho ho just good fun. They never saw anybody be bothered by “assets” so they will not be bothered by assets, even though if “asses” legitimately bothered them, this ought to count as the exact same thing, for it very much intends to. You see? You shouldn’t! It makes no sense!

Consider the fact that this movie exists. I would rather not, even apart from the reason I am going to gripe about, but that makes it a more functional example.

If it was called “little fvckers” its name would have been changed long before this point and we would never have known that. If hypothetically it was called that anyway and advertised in every possible place where advertisements can survive, with that name, everybody involved would have been fined. However, since it is called “fockers,” it can use the exact same tacky non jokes as the previous 2 films in the series and instead of having to pay 300 thousand dollars it gets paid 300 million dollars. See? No! It’s ridiculous! Our censorship system is a sham that serves nobody and can’t even be bothered to pretend it does. All it does is empower and entertain morons who think “getting around it,” even if for no other reason to have gotten around it is the most noble act.

Tee hee hee! I got a swear in public! Victory! Everyone shall congratulate me on my achievement. Let us put this on every flat space that doesn’t already have a Pepsi ad on it (unless we have a sponsorship deal with pepsi. Does Owen Wilson drink any Pepsi in this movie?).

Hey hey heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Violation! Anarchy! That O was protecting our family values! That was America’s good time O! Think about Our Kids! What if Our Kids saw that O with a section taken out of it? O tempora, o mores!

If almost swearing doesn’t hurt anybody, then neither does just swearing, but pretending there is a huge difference hurts my mind. There is no vulgarity Beetlejuice who you’re going to save us from by changing a letter but meaning the same thing. Likewise, having almost sworn is not an accomplishment in itself, worthy of recognition for any reason but to point out how stupid it is.

Here is another example. It is terrible. The photograph of it is terrible. Things are in accord, for the moment (although I am concerned about how opinionated my camera is getting).
It is the “words” yippie ki-yay mother russia” in transparent type over Hudson Hawk’s head and possibly a scarf.

I understand that somebody in the film movie called die hard says the line yuppie cayenne mother meet the fockers, at some point for some reason, but I don’t understand why I am supposed to accept this fabricated story that the line is a crucial part of American culture that everybody is familiar with and loves, when I’ve only ever heard reference to the phrase made by people on bad tv shows or in advertisements for other bad things, and these have outnumbered the amount of times I have encountered “yippie ky yay” sans mother or whatever in a sincere cowboy related context, which is a single time, in the opening to the 1989 tv show Hey Dude, but even that was only referencing the fact that cowboys supposedly said it, but nobody on the show was a cowboy.

A total of my experiences
yippie ki yay used sincerely: none
yippy keye yaya sisterhood in actual die hard movies: none
skippie pie ray used outside of die hard movies as reference to die hard movies: any at all which means too many.

and then an additional time when my roommate was watching godawful rubbish in the next room and some man whose life had no meaning contentedly spoke “welcome to the yipee ky yay post game show” because the new die hard movie had paid the post game show to be called that, but not to be called the “die hard sequel post game show.” or even the “that football game was 5 hours why are you going to spend another hour watching miserable twits wearing suits who weren’t playing talk about the football game you just watched? I at least am paid to be here what’s your excuse post game show.” The die hard people probably copyrighted the stupid phrase with the hope of getting royalties if anyone else says it but since nobody does unless the opposite case is in effect it went unnoticed.

Some years ago I inadvertently became aware of a critical review for Live Free or Die Hard, one of the previous die hard sequels, and the reviewer complained that since the movie was rated pg13 instead of R, Di Hardy (I assume that’s the main character’s name) only gets to say “gaza strippy ki yey-” and then gets conveniently cut off before he can say the rest, every single time. I want to complain that somebody is complaining about that asinine catchphrase that isn’t even good not being honored, but I also think implying profanity by interrupting it is pathetic. I also complain when I have to choose a complaint.

Anyway, CJ in the USA was X-Rated and that doesn’t mean it was good.

I remember yet another advertisement for one of the new computer Alvin + Chimpunks abominoids and at one point one of the things says “zippy kai yay mother-” and then is conveniently cut off by hitting a wall or a record scratch sound effect, maybe both. When you’re a cgi chipmunk every sound effect might as well be a record scratch and bumpable piece of scenery might as well be a button that plays a record scratch sound effect (because I don’t believe there is a record player on the set, nor even a computer generated 3d model of one). I’m supposed to think oooooooh the chipmunks are hard corn because they swear in REAL LIFE but just HAPPENED to get cut off during this one scene from their existence. Cgi Chipmunks are BAD AA-*record scratch* because they swear and reference Die Hard! Jeepers I hope they also hint that they know what sex is without saying the word “sex!” That would be really dangerous (but all in fun)!

Or how about the time when that titash ripoff from The Lion King keeps almost saying “ass” but then it turns into ahhhhhhh. I hate those “jokes for the parents” in films markerted at children. That’s so sleazy and lazy. Sleazy for adding vulgarity where it isn’t necessary, and lazy for writers not being able to find other ways of developing characters’ “rebellious” personalities now that they aren’t allowed to show people smoking anymore. I can understand doing the joke and moving on, but they always have to dwell on it. Ey ey wink wink did you see what I did? And people raised on that now think it is appropriate to respond with the smug monotone response “I see what you did there” in varying degrees of typed english. A joke, to these people, succeeds not because it is funny, but because they become aware that it is a joke. Congratulations on your humor attempt. But since bad movies can’t see who responds, these oafs say that to me, instead. It is like cool dude scumbag code for “i don’t think you’re funny but I am.” They render me sick!

I appreciate that it is more descriptive than responding with “fail,” like you’re MS-DOS. Not ready reading drive joke. Abort retry fail? I realize “fail” is not a new thing anymore, and I should be glad that nobody within my awareness still says “woot.” However, I did hear somebody boldly call out “yolo” but at nobody but in my presence at my questionable education facility, and I don’t even know what that one is supposed to mean other than “HELLO I KNOW WHAT INTERNET IS.” so we only lose a trendy degenerate memeword when another one replaces it, which means there is no net change. It is the same net as before and the grime of groupthought tackiness is steadily accumulating.

So now there is a poster that just says “popeye time yay mother russia” on it. I looked up this better version of the picture to make absolutely certain I hadn’t missed some hint as to the film’s title or any detail about it. I think I like the other one better because at least I could imagine a scarf which made the matter considerably more interesting, and also could hardly read the stupid letters on it. So we have a poster at a movie theater, advertising a movie, that doesn’t actually say what the movie’s name is. Just Yippie Ki-Yay™®(c)all rights reserved [variable]. I don’t know what the significance of “Mother Russia” is; something to do with Eastern European nations and maternal figures, which are either completely irrelevant or only relevant so that they can serve as a truly wretched sound-alike for “mother feckur,” which means the script was written to match the tag-line, which isn’t even a good tagline, and I only know what film series it is alluding to at all on the technicality that I am painfully aware of things I resent. I wish I didn’t know, because whose-ever idea this was trusted that I would, and it’s a daft idea and I probably hate that person. The characters in the film (assuming there is one) still probably aren’t going to say “fvcker,” which is fine, because I get enough of that without trying, so if they did say it, that would not enrich my experience, but they have to tease at it in public either way for some reason. I am meant to be excited about this allusion to a catch phrase that means nothing to me.
So in summary, corny people expect peace, but they cannot manage any peace but a piece of

Whoahhhhhh there pardner! Watch your mouth! There’s ladies present! *bops u* Not in front of the kids! Even though if you are in front of them I am also in front of them and insulting their intelligence by suggesting that they don’t know what I’m talking about and that if they really didn’t they wouldn’t wonder now that I’ve mentioned it. Howdy
I was going to say a piece of toast. Toast is a mediocre thing that many people keep in their lives. However, anything that can survive as a piece is probably worth eradicating entirely.

Additionally, it is probably unfair of me to criticize the computer-made chipmunks, since their awfulness is consistent with that of the awful hand drawn chipmunks of the 1980s, which much like the Smurfs were awful even then, regularly includeded a the battle of the sexes as a major rot point and had their roots not in comic books but in the novelty song fad of the 1960s, which also appealed primarily to corny people, even if they had superior cover artwork.

I am not at all surprised to learn they were also the masterminds behind the Transportation Security Administration.

4 Responses
  1. 1
    9:11 pm, March 10, 2013

    Purplespace sez:

    I’m surprised how many HudsonHawk movies they keep making! I’ll bet they all have extraordinary song and dance reutines!

    When that f^cker movie came out, people at college seemed really excited about it and wouldn’t stop talking about it. This made me even less interested about it because they all had suspect ideas about what was considered popular.

  2. 2
    9:41 pm, March 13, 2013

    Contravariant Homfunctor sez:

    I’ve noticed that “wth” has entered the online lexicon as a possible substitute for “wtf”. I’d call it a less offensive combination of letters if it was clear what h stood for. It seems obvious, but is it really? After all, if I said “wtq” would YOU know whether to chortle or faint at such audacity?

  3. 3
    12:39 am, March 14, 2013

    Executive Wordplay sez:

    Good point, but how about we introduce this studf in the next comic update and from then on. Here me out, Cunningham!

    Merchandising’s where the money’s at. And what’s better on a T-shirt than a sound-a-lota-like-a-bad-word catch phrase. Teens love it, and hipsters too, and they got a lotta spare change!

    Here’s what we do. We reboot the whole team, starting with the trio. We shorten Nemitz to Ni, and a girl now, and she’s LOL SO RANDOM and spontaneous! Ni’s our spoonerisms generator, so she’ll talk now. She takes guff from no one, and says “motherpoger”, “seathead”, and “pine hole”, all up in their grills, no buns safe from Ni!

    Elpse. We amp up Elpse’s tough-guy motto to maximum caricature. And every time he fights (new quota: a rumble every page), he sprouts a one-liner, just like an action movie hero! We’re going big!

    And now Lope. He’s now the everyman, the surrogate for the reader, explaining things and pointing out the obvious so the slower minds don’t get lost. He’s also a media dweeb, making pop-culture references and punctuates any sleuth with a comparison to a sound-alike real life show, “…just like in my favorite TV crime drama, Pog & Order: Special Meepz Unit!” he’ll say. What a good guy, they’ll (internet comic T-shirt enthusiast) say!

    Also, love triangles, everywhere. For the tweens. They’ll love it. Watch as the T-shirt money and hormonally charged fan art come in.

  4. 4
    7:19 pm, March 15, 2013

    Heapinfrimp sez:

    free from bias travian:
    I had been informed that Hudson Hawk was an infamously bad film, but I don’t get the impression that it aspires to be good. Die Difficultly, however, is like the 1989 Batman where it gets exalted as a pinnacle of a genre. And if it is anything like Batman (or Batman Returns) it’s actually a goofy mess that is only edgy in the respect that it boldly flaunts how edgy it is despite prevalent evidence saying elsewise.
    the last college student conversation I overheard that pertained to a specific topic was Dragon Ball Z. 6 people at a table going on and on about it. They certainly knew what used to be popular. I suppose I find that slightly more interesting than what is currently popular, though I still relate better to that which was never popular.

    set of words I had to look up:
    I do not understand how what the anything is grammatically sensible.
    I suppose I should be impressed that profanity aversion carries over into abbreviations.
    I might faint if I caught myself chortling. It is unbecoming of public appearances.

    well paid pun:
    that is the first time anybody has addressed me as just “cunningham.” I give that name when abruptly prompted for a name in person and have not had time to consider a fitting alternative. I wish I could change my name to a sound effect or musical passage. That would make things even harder, but it would be more satisfying on occasions when it was communicated clearly.

    If I did make any of those changes, it would be much easier to delegate the writing and drawing to my marketing and intellectual property management army. Instead of crispio tennisnugget it would be by or something roughly equivalent. As things currently go, it is so inaccessible that if I started delegating tasks it would be obvious that the replacement was not as maladjusted as I was. Which as you said could be very good for business. And so I keep things as they precisely so that dumb old lope and the dumb slightly-less old dope don’t get their mitz on any of that delicious sellout money.

    However, it is difficult for me to imagine elpse terse enough to communicate any insult in one line.

    And also, if I did that and it still didn’t work I would hate everybody. Usually I just hate me or just hate everybody else. So it would bring about some unity.

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