March 21, 2009

I EAT BEETS

(disclaimer: I do not eat beets)

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I thought it would be funny if I acted crazy and posted a psychotic rambling thing of obsessive details. I forget that this often comes across as legitimate crazy.

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Latest development: automated birth-day greetings from message forums I haven’t used in months that I’m not particularly active with when I do use them still aren’t cutting it. Robots, alas, still haven’t learned to love. Do they think I don’t know what they say about me when I’m not around? Do they think I don’t know who’s always trying to undermine my sanity by filling up my error box with broken links I fixed years ago?


If I said such a thing I’d only appear in silhouette, too. Years ago I wrote something to the effect that I did not understand why people abbreviated “Patrick” regarding this particular occasion. The full truth of the matter is that I hate it a lot. I hate the sound, I hate the look, I hate the needless informality that serves no purpose other than to be more hatable. I additionally hate all beef patties, I hate rice paddies, I hate Patti Mayonnaise, I hate pat-a-cake, I hate patios, and I only just kind of like Pad Thai. Patamon gets a special pass because it claims to be a “mokvwap,” which apparently I discovered (or at least invented the word for) without realizing.

Although This one is pushing my limit. And now that I think of it, I discovered dopes, too, and things only got worse after that.

That one at the top– who put it there? It clearly did not climb up there because it seems unaware that it is there. It also seems unaware that it is wearing a scarf. Why would it wear that? If it was capable of sensing cold there are other things it could wear before a ridiculous scarf became necessary. And the one in the middle — it thinks it’s so introspective, with its fingers all clasped up. It thinks it is smarter than other dopes! Guess what, dope: you’re still a dope! You’re just as dumb! You actually seem dumber because of your shallow attempt to appear smart. Who put a cape on it? Who created a dope-sized cape?! And why? Is this a means to distinguish it from the scarf dope? What would be the point? They’re both dopes. And the third one, it can’t read! Obviously! There is an arrow pointing this out, and were the dope not oblivious to all and also was able to read, it would know this. It has no comprehension of anything it sees. Yet it smiles. Why does it try to fool us? If you took the book from it, the thing would continue smiling. Who gave it the book? Was this just a bad book, or is there a person who truly has so little appreciation for literature as to render a work unfit for further distribution by letting a dope near it? Why have these specific, unusual fashion accessories also been targeted? What sinister, conniving, cowardly, unscrupulous fascist could possibly

 


Please don’t come over here.

On a final note, I have just the strength remaining before passing out from side effects of my Futile Rage Syndrome medication to observe that the bow tie creature’s once small and unintimidating ears have somehow expanded (though it still has no nose) to become the size dopes’ ears used to be , that position vacated as said dopes’ ears themselves inexplicably grew in size. I suppose it’s not worth asking whose fault that is. Not without arranging to have myself temporarily locked in a room lacking sharp edges first.



10 Responses
  1. 1
    12:47 am, March 22, 2009
    The bow tie fool sez:

    I have a splendid comic!

  2. 2
    1:31 am, March 22, 2009
    Fleeplezeep sez:

    It figures that monster would go for self-insertion. It has a particularly Aztec-god look to it in the third frame. I have never been more afraid of it. Yet most alarming is the fact that the bow tie’s central segment seems to now have a teeth-clenched face. Does that mean the four other segments are its voltron-like limbs? Does that thing walk around, clubbing people and biting them?

  3. 3
    3:47 am, March 22, 2009
    The bow tie fool sez:

    It can sing, too!

  4. 4
    6:34 pm, March 22, 2009
    Jumbi sez:

    A birthday you say? I unfortunately was not in any position to prepare any sort of thing for the past week, nor was I aware of this event, and for that I apologize.

  5. 5
    9:03 pm, March 22, 2009
    Fleeplezeep sez:

    fool: Is there a particular song that a mutant bow tie sings, or is it more of a non-melodic savage moaning?

    jumbool: No no, please do nothing of the sort. I intentionally don’t mention that I have a birth-day, thinking myself so much better than people who announce it a month in advance, and then I get secretly attitudinal when no one congratulates me for having this thing that everyone has. And I’ve been doing it for years. An especially ironic example of immaturity in regard to a ceremonial recognition of age increase. I am far too old to be acting like that. The only person at anything resembling a fault here is me. What have I to complain about? I got a free cake.

  6. 6
    11:23 pm, March 22, 2009
    Mxy sez:

    Well! I must admit I’m a little sad to find out that Rob’s Cursed Board has been sending out birthday greetings, because I’ve never gotten one from it. I’ve never told it my birthday either, but it’s easy enough for it to find out.

    (My last comment here must have been a month or so ago, but apparently your website thinks that’s “too fast”. It told me so. I’m hoping it finds a month or so and a few seconds more acceptable.)

  7. 7
    1:54 am, March 23, 2009
    Fleeplezeep sez:

    I had no idea the wordpress was programmed to make such a decision. You always seem to get the worst of the few preventative measures it puts in place.
    I used to enter fake birth-dates, but getting robot messages in October made me feel even worse. I never delete the date altogether, assuming that’s allowed, because I still like to imagine someone will just come across it and… I don’t know, track down my address and mail me a futon? I think it is clear this is not a subject I approach with absolute sense.

  8. 8
    5:58 pm, March 23, 2009
    The bow tie fool sez:

    Sometimes it sings “Come on Eileen”, but usually it prefers “The Donkey Kong Rap”!

  9. 9
    9:43 pm, March 23, 2009
    Mxy sez:

    THEY’RE FINALLY HERE
    PERFORMING FOR YOU
    IF YOU KNOW THE WORDS
    YOU CAN JOIN IN TOO

    SO PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
    IF YOU WANT TO CLAP
    AS WE TAKE YOU THROUGH
    THIS MONKEY RAP

    HUH!

    Sad Mxy fact: I did not look that up.

  10. 10
    11:47 am, March 24, 2009
    Fleeplezeep sez:

    I was quite certain I had used “if he shoots ya… it’s gonna hurt!” as a subject line once, but I cannot now locate an instance of that happening. I also recall typing out the story of how I believe this “rap” was intentionally allowed to play in its entirety on several occasions specifically for the purpose of offending my delicate sensibilities, but I can find no record of this. Perhaps it is for the best.

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