Prescription Potatoes

July 15, 2009

When he’s tall, he’s what we call a “dinosaur sensation.”

I also received a relatively peculiar letter through the mail recently. I must consider its implications.

I saw a preview for that Carol movie. It doesn’t even star Jim Carrey. It stars some unsettling computer-made guy that resembles Jim Carrey and sounds like him but might as well sound like a pterodactyl because that’s not actually him. I assumed the movie was just some superfluous and unnecessary thing, but by Brinna it’s an expensive, crrrrreepy, superfluous and unnecessary thing. You might say “Scrooge is bad. He’s supposed to be unsettling.” But in the tradition of showing Dr. Claw just walking around in the preview for Inspector Gadget, Disney also shows happy Scrooge dancing in the road on Christmas morning, and he looks even scarier than before.

I like gummy worms, how about you?

Must get to Walgreens! Must replenish Fortress of Solitude's snack reserves!

I do not, however, like gummy, tooth-eating mouth parasites. Neither does the character on the box, from the look of things. Consider that we are talking about the mass consumption of legless, slimy invertebrates, and I only just now got grossed out by it, maybe you should rethink your marketing. Also, that hot dog looks too firm and uniformly colored to be any good. I like hot dogs, but I hate ones like that. The ones that people in tv commercials always stick their tongues out like “wlaaaah” to eat and then bite sideways. Also the really long kind that doesn’t fit in the roll. Those always taste wrong. I don’t trust that mustid application, either. Not that I eat mustard, but I’m open to the idea of trying it at some point. I’m still mentally preparing myself for relish. Why must ard be applied in a spike pattern? Why not like a wave border, or windows 3.1 egypt.bmp style?

This reminds me, it’s about time for an update on a recent matter of great importance:

This December... Horatio Sans IS Christmas Carol.

Movies open on Christmas day all the time, so why do movies that have Christmas in their names always open in November? Is it because the Christ philosophy that people mass together to honor of selflessness, humility and kindness toward the poverty-stricken is exactly what I associate with red carpet premiers.

Hey, do we have enough A Christmas Carols? Do we have enough A Disney A Christmas Carols? Do we have enough Christmas movies with Jim Carrey inappropriately cast as the originally non-wacky protagonist? Do we have enough Jim Carrey movies in which he has mysterious magical powers (I refer to his ability to grow to enormous size and fly around merely by taking off his legs)? This poster suggests that we do not.

If this ''GAMER'' trash in popular culture had been around when I actually played lots of video games I'd have run away from home and become a monk.

As long as you’re looking, though, do we have enough movies where Johnny Deppy looks creepy and wears too much makeup? Can we get a remake of the Wizard of Oz where he plays the Wicked Witch of the West? And that one guy who played every Oompa Loompa plays every yellow brick in the road? Do we have enough gothy modern mega media “interpretations” of Alice in Wonderwhy featuring striped socks and checkerboards?
I ask because nobody tells me these things. Obviously.
That doesn't mean I was listening.

So what we’ve learned today is that you can waste a lot of space by posting big pictures when you’re too mentally imbalanced to write words, but some people write words anyway. Some people will also refer to themselves as “some people” if unchallenged.

Ben Stein, pog | (8) comments | Squirmalink

8 Responses

1
7:48 pm, July 15, 2009
Pigbuster sez:

The poster’s overenthusiastic serifs on the Christmas make it seem like the Carol is in quotes. This amuses me far too much.

I’m intrigued to know at what point Alice in Wonderland became such goth fodder. Anyone who’s read the actual book would realize that it’s nothing but a nonsensical story about stupid people doing stupid things. Yes, Carrol had an above-average affinity towards little girls, but it really doesn’t go past the creepy territories, let alone the pedophilia mountains. FfrfffhhhWho can explain what aspect(s) of pop-ular culture people pick up anyway? Probably many people, really. Pah.

I must admit I am curious as to where the Stein Saga originates. Almost as much as I am intrigued by WordPress’ comment engine’s devious extermination of my line breaks. Is this just the case for the comment preview, or will it carry over through the actual submission? Oh I can barely contain my anticipation.
2
11:25 pm, July 17, 2009
Finkeldey Fabrax sez:

I haven’t met many actual Carols lately. Maybe they only exist ironically now.

I don’t understand popular culture in the slightest. That’s why I take pictures and complain about it rather than actually experiencing it.

You are as curious as I am about certain things. I can only observe.
3
12:53 am, July 25, 2009
Mr. Great Ideas sez:

Someone ‘ought to make a film entitled “A Christmas Carrol”, combining the whimsical world of Alice’s Wonderland with the timeless Christmas classic. Featuring Zac Efron as Humpty Dumpty, it’s sure to be a hit this holiday season.
4
12:18 am, July 26, 2009
Finkeldey Fabrax sez:

Wow! That’s a great ideas!
5
7:28 am, July 29, 2009
Cleopatra sez:

Ben Stein has finally realized his Egyptian heritage?? Amazing. I shall welcome him to the promised land alongside the gods when his time is right. I believe they should remake the Little Mermaid and cast Depp as a one armed maniacally smiling Ariel with red eyes and purple hair. And of course his flippers will really be chain saws.
6
7:28 am, July 29, 2009
Cleopatra sez:

Ben Stein has finally realized his Egyptian heritage?? Amazing. I shall welcome him to the promised land alongside the gods when his time is right. I believe they should remake the Little Mermaid and cast Depp as a one armed maniacally smiling Ariel with red eyes and purple hair. And of course his flippers will really be chain saws.
7
7:29 am, July 29, 2009
Cleopatra sez:

Whoops I posted twice! Here I post again!
8
11:20 pm, August 7, 2009
Ramses sez:

Cleopatra, you are not allowed to post on websites, come to the bedroom and bear me many pharoahs.

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