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I like your bread, Chabasco, but you’re not my mother.
Choose mountain dew color based on War-Craft allegiance, please. And sure, as long as that’s important to you, go ahead and buy ten. Although I can’t help noticing that red potion favors green bald guys and the blue potion favors pink ladies. Maybe the dewsters had some old formula left over from a Double Dare promotion 15 years ago, or the only two player video game they had in the office was Contra. Unfortunately, it’s still Mountain Dew. Although this is probably to the benefit of the pink ladies, as the huge green oafs already, I suspect, can take bigger beatings, and everybody knows the red kind refills all your hearts twice, so this would give a very unfair advantage to oafkind, me thinks.
Oh, ho, it is not “still” Mountain Dew. Now it is Mtn Dew. Spelling stuff right is officially considered throwing back. Like, get with the program, puzzlewit. Unless you’d like to help us unload some old, unsold, flat, particle-separated inventory in a zanily misguided quest for nostalgia. If you really want to take me back, try tickling my innards with your manhuntin’ firearms and Appalachian stereotypes.
Kentucky Fried Chicken to “KFC” i can understand, because it’s a mouthful (of chemically-infused, frankensteinian steroided up grease flavored meat product that by the way animals were bred in captivity, abused in tiny cages, and killed to make (which I lamentably enjoy eating occasionally)), but mountain is only two syllables with no negative, truthful connotations to distract people from. In fact, the word “mountain” was about the LEAST creepy thing printed on the bottle (“dew,” is, afterall, a near-homophone for a childish euphemism for dog excrement). It’s like the Pepsikooks thought “gosh, mountain dew just isn’t inorganic and mysterious enough! How can we make it seem LESS natural? Apart from turning it red and putting shrek stand-ins on the label, I mean.” It’s not as if there isn’t inadequate space to spell out “mountain” in. Nor is the background better off for absence of letters. Get me more green starfoxy void, STAT! Maybe there’s something inherently extreme about abbreviations. Awkward, vowel-less abbreviations of single words.
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The rare old stuff that's made near Galway Bay sez:
I remember a number of years back encountering an ancient vending machine which offered a Mtn. Dew rip-off known as “Billy Hill”, which continued to preserve the rube æsthetic long after its role model had shifted its marketing toward a more X-treme demographic. I also recall later-eaten-by-Rite-Aid drug store Eckerd carrying their own particular rip-off, cleverly named “Mountain Eckerd”. This was but one of a proud community of innovatively appelled beverage derivations, including the renowned physician Dr. Aaaah.
Finkeldey Fabrax sez:
I cannot confirm that Dr. Aaaah is a stupider name than Dr. Thunder; why willingly associate your carbonated beverage with loud, bassful noises after all, but Mountain Eckerd is a sure winner.
Although upon reconsideration, the spelling “aaaah” with more A than H strikes me as resembling a scream of fright or pain more so than a wordless noise of relief.
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