January 9, 2010

We would like to apologize in advance for the overabundance of exposed pectoral and thereabouts imagery in this moderately mediocre page update, but we went way over-budget on regret last year and the boss has requested that why try to keep that sort of thing to a minimum for now. So watch out. Also, the fiend pictured above is not the boss. It’s not employed, either. Whoever let it in here will soon also not be.

Getting dressed, however, will take another month. This fellow may even have sold his clothing for more abs, as the rack of garments, in addition to his extensive collection of facial expressions seems to have been removed between the two pictures. “Abs” being an abbreviation of “abdominal partitions,” which people wish to have as many of as possible for some reason. I reckon you could get the same effect by tying strings tightly around yourself and not removing them for a year, sort of like when you wear the same sock for too long.

Is there something wrong with me for thinking that sort of grotesque muscling is unpleasant in appearance and almost sort of gross? That guy looks like he has a skin-eating disease. He looks like a xenomorph. It’s not as bad as comic book art, where everything is outlined in black and is visible through all clothing, as if the curious costumes are stapled directly to peoples’ stomachs. That is not a factor in this situation, however, as this man owns no shirts, and we thankfully cannot see his legs.

In some cases, such as with the Bat-Man, special suits can be acquired which are muscular even when they aren’t in use. It is a proprietary technology of Wayne Enterprises which involves use of a special machine that coats the material in miniature tic-tac-toe boards.

Thank me for not showing their whole bodies. Or even better just curse me less for everything else I’ve ever done. No, no, please forget that. I know when I’m asking too much.

I made a brief, futile attempt to figure out, for drawing purposes, how the things work a while back and an alarming number of the exhibits I encountered online featured uniformly stripped away skin but didn’t bother with the eyes, even though tho tho those are organs and not muscles. And you might contribute that it would look more creepy without the eyes, and that I have no reason to assume that other organs are not also included. Why do you insist on making things more difficult for me? This is hard! Maybe if the creeple people didn’t look totally content with the situation I would be less bothered… It almost seems normal for them. Perhaps it’s a “Data from Star Trek” sort of contentment, in the absense of standard emotions, but that’s the most unsettling of all.

The right one looks like Data, I mean.

The left one looks like Deacon “Dave” Batistor of the wuh-whee wrestling federation, whose inarguable use of growth supplements may well indeed have shriveled his testicular units to g-rated muscle chart illustration level visibility, who also only has a limited quantity of facial expressions and is not fond of proper dress, but he doesn’t look as lifelike.

Or maybe it’s “the” Brock Lesnarbert, formerly of the WWE and currently of the Ultimate Fighting Guys-on-ground-not-moving Federation. I think my point is that I wish I didn’t know who either of them were.

This one, while not QUITE as creepy, proves they can be aware of my presence and I fear it may alert the others. Many appear to have hair, also. It’s not Slim Goodbody afro hair, but it still shouldn’t be there. As long as they’re awake and aware of the situations, they ought to put some clothes on. Even the ones with discrete lumps in specific areas rather than uh. Covering their muscular systems may render them unfit to serve as models of muscular systems, but I already implied that I gave up on my attempt to draw it properly (I implied this by uploading artwork in which it was evident I had not bothered to learn anything) that so they should leave me alone. I am a quitter because I’m afraid to be a loser. I decline to comment on how I feel about being a coward. But shark! What’s that I hear?

Ho ho oaf! Santa Claus finally accepted my steroid jelly beans on a plate! I knew if I kept my decorations up for another week something grand would happen! (though you might want to pass on the milk, pharma-culinary tradition aside) You need to put on mass, ya jingly twig!

2 Responses
  1. 1
    8:53 pm, January 10, 2010

    A couch potato sez:

    Your opinion is by no means an odd one. The widespread consensus seems to be that although muscle tone is a good thing, excessive protrusion rather somewhat grotesque. Of course, I rather expect that ad is intentionally going for excessiveness (that fellow is heavily oiled, for one, and I should imagine photoshopped as well), with the assumption that the viewer will think “Now, I know that these ads tend to exaggerate their claims, but if these 2 simple rules work just half as well as the picture shows, I’ll look positively normal!” They do not, however, consider the possibility that we may assume their scam will not work at all.

    Oh, but this fellow is positively mild compared to some other ads I’ve seen floating around the internet which feature excessively steroidized individuals whose strange, disproportionate bodies have been distorted into a bizarre parody of the human form. In this case, of course, the target audience is not common folks dreaming of being lean and fit, but rather those with severe body-image problems whose only dream is to perpetually increase muscle mass without regard to their general health, let alone any æsthetic concerns. In this respect these second type of swindlers are even more vicious than the previous sort, even if their products are more likely to have a real (if detrimental)effect.

    I do not think that is intended to be hair, but rather a simple lack of muscles on the upper head. Not a covering, but a void. You may think of it as anti-hair.

    That is not a kettle, which is only used for heating water, not for serving. It may conceivably be a teapot, but the shape looks rather more characteristic of a coffee pot. Though there is, of course, no accounting for Batman’s eccentricities, this strikes me as a rather unlikely thing to serve whiskey in (except, perhaps, as an additive to the coffee). I am, however, told that there’s whiskey in the jar.

    As for Batman’s other peculiarity, he’s merely following in a ancient tradition.

  2. 2
    11:02 pm, January 12, 2010

    Fonbiyulb sez:

    I try to avoid complaining about things that people already complain about if I can’t add anything new, but I don’t always realize when I am in that territory if it happens gradually or unintentionally. I had set out to make the remark about dressing and move on, and only after did I observe that the idealized version of the person was not any more visually appealing than the first. In fact, it’s worse, because I can imagine the first guy is getting dressed for the purpose of meeting people and doing things. The second guy has nothing better to do than lift weights and roll around in shiny goop. He seems to have no aspirations beyond his grey room. He looks like he believes he has solved life. I welcome you to not show me the worse examples of people like this in advertising.

    My father has been drinking tea my whole life, and he always poured the water straight from the kettle to a cup, never bothering with a pot, and so it is not surprising that I should disregard the particulars of this situation but assume I’m not doing that. But then, although Batman attempts to appear as if he lives the life of a wealthy socialite, he is often less than convincing in this role and I consider it a possibility that he is less up to date on drink serving technology than I am.

    As for the Greek armor, they usually did not bother with the legs and arms, and Batman’s suit does not appear to have been forged from some metal, anyhow. It would be shiny like the wing bits if it was (the wings, by the way, don’t work properly and Batman gives up on them after one try, making a good third of the story pointless). It may be a plaster mold.

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