My problem is not that the animals are painted on airplanes, it’s not that they talk, it’s not that they try to be funny in that ultra obnoxious mid 1990s-forever humor style (Like when something embarrassing happens, instead of helping the situation or just keeping quiet an observing party says “awkwarrrd!” or “busted” and makes me want to murder), but actually the combination of all those things. I remember that the dominant male airplane painting asked the sassy female airplane painting on a date and got SHOT DOWN. Oooh, slice. Even if I didn’t hate these character archetypes three times as much as usual when they’re applied to animals which would be highly unlikely to engage in contemporary North American courting rituals, the fact of the matters is that as paintings they cannot move. They cannot go anywhere. They are stuck on the airplanes eternally. It is doubtful they can even see each other, being two dimensional and unfeasibly able to look in any direction other than straight ahead. Even if somehow the reverse side has another looking forward painting, that would have to be a separate two-dimensional animal or else risk violating the laws of everything. Even if they can look forward and backward at the same time, the other airplane the fox airplane speaks to is in a different row and depicts a species of doubtful breeding compatibility. What any of this has to do with bookling flights I have not even thought about yet. If the frontier airlinists wanted me not to do that they succeeded.

Not surprisingly, this is documented extensively in wikehhhpedia.

The only thing less original than naming a rabbit “Jack” is naming a fox “Foxy.” Sure, “Grizwald” is a terribly uncreative name for a bear that’s been used enough times in the past, but at least it has the “wald” in there. The bit about the penguins is alarming, as that probably only happened because there was a feature film last year about singing penguins. So now penguins always have to sing? America hungers for singing penguins? If something’s corny and annoying, commercial businesses will rip it off and perpetuate its annoying corniness.

Hey, if this is on the radio, aren’t you just hearing voice actors? How do you know they’re animals at all unless they say so, and why would they say so? Arrrrrrrrnnnnndiudiudiudiudiudiuh!

I doubt those airplanes go any place I’d want to go anyhow. Even if they did I probably wouldn’t because I’m afraid of being legally rape-searched because my hair was too long or the handwriting analysts don’t trust my serifed 1s. And then I’ll probably be arrested and raped again in jail because I’m always carrying something somebody doesn’t like. My worst-case air disaster scenarios always end long before I get in the air.

Is that a paperclip?

It appears to be so.

What?

Yes, it is a paperclip.

You getting smart with me?

No! I was very stupid to bring a paperclip!

Why do you have a paperclip?

Because I put it in this pocket three years ago and forgot about it.

Have you ever downloaded roms?

I… don’t see how-

Answer the question or get naked!

I can’t even get far enough to become stuck in a delay. Terrorism? What’s that? Is that when you get raped legally in the name of maintaining order? I’m sure while my orifices quake afterwards I’ll be grateful those people were so organized.

In summary: foxes are bad news and should be dealt with accordingly.