March 13, 2020

3-15-2020 grupdate: I heard from General Thorax that paper towels are back in stock but latrine parchment isn’t or has already been bought up again, and chicken is also now a commodity item! oh oh oh those glory days of last tuesday are long gone. And dish soap down to the last bottle as well, even though one bottle of that lasts what, a month or so? How much of this are people really expecting to use?
/////////////////
there is probably a pretty good chance of me getting the covid19 disease but I still think I am more likely to die in a car, turning left at a 4-way intersection or trying to merge onto a highway and I do those things all the time without any more toilet paper than I usually have

hold on what is this? i am receiving an urgent transmission on the emergency line



as soon as I received the master’s request i headed out seven hours later. In between those two points an empty cardboard box jumped off the shelf behind my bed and bopped me on the head. i presume it was planning that anyway. in the tiny united state of connecticut where as of the day after I posted this there have only been twelve confirmed cases, none of them in towns near here, I figured the matter was not urgent.


guilford walmart

guilford big-y-world-class-market(s)

madison stop & shop/keep going and don’t shop


people love to be prepared, except not really because I saw one person apiece at stopshop and big-y wearing gloves and nobody wearing gloves, including the staff, at walmart. note also: walmart sells darm cheap but effective gloves.

for example, the right glove here is from walmart. it does not match the left glove. i have a startling array of left-hand gloves but only a few for the right, all actually ambidextrous gloves, because legitimate right gloves like to blow away in the wind when I remove them to blow my nose. also this picture isn’t a trick, both hands are in front of me and i took a screenshot with my voice-activated forehead camera. the command is “help there is a camera embedded in my forehead it hurts”

nobody wears gloves but walmart does however have this thing that encourages customers to REMOVE their shoes and stand in the same spot. i haven’t heard of diseases being transmitted via feet but i haven’t heard of diseases not being transmitted because you bought a truck load of bog roll either.

also i have spent four weeks in england my entire life and have no right to use the terminology “bog roll” but I am at a loss for functional synonyms.


This was at Wal-Mart. Not quite a glove but I appreciate that you are trying, though the experience seems to be traumatic for most of the figures involved.


the toilet paper problem is so bad this pez candy has no choice but to be covered in feces and we are helpless to do anything about it. seriously why can’t we stop putting this horrid imagery on to things?


this car boldly shows its support of the world health organization. however i would prefer you keep those jars to yourself

I don’t mind the stores being crowded like this necessarily, there is an exciting atmosphere. It is like Christmas except people only want practical things for gifts, a concept I can endorse


additionally, i got a free fountain soda with my 12-inch sandwich at big-y. yes i took coke, mid-day; i wasn’t going to take their awful megaprocessed minute maid lemonade. i have to think about my health.
In fact I was not initially intended to drive across town from the walmart big y plaza to get to stop & shop but i felt so invigorated by recieving a free drink that I found the strength to grasp a wheel and press a large button with a foot for a few additional minutes.

no precaution is too extreme for this leprechaun, who appears to be wearing a diaper over his trousers, assuming he is wearing trousers

meanwhile this leprechaun has taken to hoarding gold.
am i supposed to be impressed by that offer? $50 is rather a small amount of gold. i think it is a ruse so he can break into our homes and steal our precious toilet paper while we go to collect his gold that we won’t actually be able to buy any with.

after stop and shop i noticed the automobile had nearly expended its gasoline, and i had 200 fuel reward points from stop and shop purchasers, which I could redeem for 20 cents off per gallon of petroleum at participating retailers. i considered that fuel prices might be dropping world-wide and that i might save more than that if i just waited a week but if we can run out of toilet paper in three days without needing it we can run out of gasoline in a week actually using it


i can never remember which way to turn this thing, though. hm ah hatten how does it go: righty-tighty, lefty loosey, loosey goosey,


henny penny!

i was not wearing gloves at this time because i had been eating my sandwich, have difficulty handling my money items with gloves on and also i feel safer from disease in a gritty rainy gas station parking lot than inside a walmart


Stop & Shop’s Pal™, Marty the amazing aisle-blocking dead-staring robot, seems to be sitting this one out. I think all the panicking is giving it anxiety.

or perhaps the staff are concerned about saving shoppers anxiety.


i ran out of bags on this occasion since I felt i needed to buy something to justify being in each store. This large package of paper towels is, in truth, from a month ago because i had to buy three of them to get the full discount and we are still on the second package in my house (the seltzer is drunken by other people than me. they almost never finish the cans and i frequently have to dump the things out before tossing them into the recycle bin but this is immensely preferable to and less expensive than when the same people drank diet caffeine-free pepsi in the same manner. the tables have been in there since my art show in november).


likewise, this cabinet full of soup was happening anyway. once a year they sell the progresso soup for 50% off for a week so i bought a bunch. the last time it happened i didn’t buy enough and had to buy FULL PRICE SOUP at one point. so this time i bought more than the previous time, and then the sale happened again the next month and so i bought more.
I don’t think there is anything WRONG with hoarding this sort of thing, but it is better to do gradually over time when rates suit it. the 14 piece chicken 7 biscuits and 2 large sides mobile coupon that i have been using at popeyes the past year however i have recognized as an objectively bad idea because i need to eat it all within about three days.

there only appear to be seven paper towel rolls because i tore one of them open during my previous shopping trip on tuesday when, first of all, there was PLENTY of toilet paper in stock and I had seen no urgency to the purchase of it, and i partook of stop & shop’s store made fried chicken, which is surprisingly good (and cheap) provided you buy it in late afternoon when they apparently make it. Unable to restrain myself I was eating it while returning, driving the car, on the street nearest my home, when I saw a woman jogging the same direction, who stopped to fiddle with a mobile device. as the car passed I was holding the biggest piece of chicken and there was probably evidence roundabout my mouth area. The jogger looked straight at me with a look that I was not sure was confusion, worry, or possibly disgust. I didn’t get chicken today because i already bought the sandwich and if i had not bought the sandwich i would not have bothered to go all the way to stop and shop which is in the opposite direction that Big-Y is from my home. Everything clear? I hope so because there is nothing left to wipe it with.

The disparity between Tuesday and today is striking; it means somebody actually had to buy


this strangely designed product that simulates the presumably cathartic experience of ripping up a lumberjack’s flannel shirt. I hope he has a patchwork shirt like the Poky Little Puppy’s blanket after the next re-stocking.

this really is not up for debate

I am going home



9 Responses
  1. 1
    6:28 pm, March 14, 2020

    Mxy sez:

    I have plenty of toilet paper here so if you need some I’d be happy to fax it to you.

  2. 2
    6:43 pm, March 14, 2020

    Dhraiden sez:

    Be glad you are in CT, and not NYC. Enjoy the isolation and relative not-scarcity of things.

  3. 3
    6:58 pm, March 14, 2020

    Frimpinheap sez:

    mxy: i do not have a fax machine here! only faxanadu

    dhraiden: this isn’t a woe is me story, it is just a story like any other, one of the components of which is that people make things scarce even in the absence of a justification for doing so. I don’t doubt that things are scarcER elsewhere but if matters continue as they have the wave of legitimate scarcity will inevitably reach this region and then other regions beyond that.

  4. 4
    10:44 pm, March 15, 2020

    Mxy sez:

    I’d be willing to physically mail you some toilet paper if you write down some useful Faxanadu passwords on the envelope and mail it back (the envelope will likely be made out of toilet paper also).

    I was doing some digital archeology and was wondering if you were aware that a member of your family used to post on the same message board as you: http://dcboards.warnerbros.com/cgi/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Other+MAD+topics&number=74&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin= (fifth topic from the bottom) (your site doesn’t seem to like archive dot org links, so you’ll have to archive dot org that dead link yourself)

  5. 5
    10:53 pm, March 15, 2020

    Frimpinheap sez:

    I think I have about four rolls here, and plenty of paper towels, and I am not above re-purposing some of the hundreds of useless pages of rubbish that get sent to my house every year.
    i do not expect the matter is urgent!

    I can’t turn up that exact link but i was able to look up the forum itself and wondered who you might mean until I beheld the mighty T H O R A X again for the first time in years, after having quite forgotten of its existence. i typically only think of the mad message board when i see somebody use a smiley face in a jerky antagonistic manner and remember knightsangel.
    I still think about ouschlander, RONIN, chrisoakley and other athanon weirdos once in a while, though, often while washing dishes. “radu-is-my-idol” jumped into my mind a few weeks ago while I was shopping (not for toilet paper) and i was anew curious about who radu is or why you would give yourself a first-person opinion-stating sentence as a name.

  6. 6
    5:15 am, March 16, 2020

    Mxy sez:

    Radu was the owner of a coffee shop that the then current Green Lantern used to frequent in the 90s. He was a bald middle aged man with a mustache so I always pictured radu-is-my-idol like that, even after finding out he was like three years younger than me. I wondered about him (the idolizer, not the idolized) some years ago and found some information about his then current whereabouts, but google shows no results for “radu is my idol” or “raduismyidol” today. Now I’m wondering about the current whereabouts of that information.

    I think about chrisoakley probably twice a day.

    Now I’m also wondering if some other weirdo from that era occasionally wonders about me but hasn’t been able to find any information because I use the name of a Superman villain with millions of google results and no longer misspell it like I did back then. I should go back to that old spelling one of these days to make it easier for them.

  7. 7
    5:16 am, March 16, 2020

    Mister Mxypltk sez:

    There!

  8. 8
    10:49 pm, March 16, 2020

    Purplespace sez:

    Gosh! What is that robot thing supposed to do? I would have the robot suggest things you don’t need then not leave you alone until you buy them!

  9. 9
    12:44 pm, March 17, 2020

    Frimpinheap sez:

    spacko: the robot generally gets in front of you and then beeps until you let it pass, which theoretically at some point could be used as a means of directing customers. for now the only words it says are “caution, hazard, detected” in english and espanol via a prerecorded woman’s voice that does not resemble what I would imagine the robot sounding like if it could speak on its own, while refusing to move, in the event a tiny piece of plastic or paper falls into the center of an aisle, and then for a while after that if the object is removed.

    myxspelled:
    once, pre-athanon, on one of those small time less than 30 user forums that used to be so common, this one specifically devoted to professional wrestling a rabble-rousing acquaintance of my younger brother posed as “roneldo,” saying silly nonsense about teaming up with “Iron Chef Japanese” to take on adversaries, which resulted in the moderator hassling me directly on aol instant messenger, and for years I was sure it had also been the ever-stoic Chris Oakley but that is probably too much of a coincidence to hope for.
    I don’t know that since then anybody has made an attempt to look up the various names I have scattered about like volcabbage, molfarm duvalier, evil mittens, umiliphus, glufobix, poncharillo or porticulo (though i typically leave jennifer talia out of it), because now and then I list them without much reason and perhaps that makes it too easy! Maybe people prefer a mystery.

    Radu is no longer my idol now that I have received your helpful information.

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them`s fightin` woids: April 8, 2020
Frimpinheap sez:
I am still here but I get email notices any time somebody posts a comment! i suppose it is funny...
April 8, 2020
kefka12 sez:
Reading through our old convos was a trip down memory lane! Can’t believe it’s been 12...
April 7, 2020
Charmlatan sez:
Thankful for the update. Maybe a change in scenery might cheer elpse up!
April 1, 2020
Dhraiden sez:
Keep Far (from these) Beets? Keep Full Beets? Kindly Filch (these) Beets? Kraptastically fine beets?
March 29, 2020
Frimpinheap sez:
I most certainly will not say that!
March 29, 2020
Honker Acorn Jr. sez:
You might say Treco is giving the bow tie fool… …a beet down.
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