i suppose heart throbs is a better name than heart stabs, or myocardial murder munchies. Maybe “bleedies” would have worked

wah calm down please don’t shoot me with your alien ray gun, unfamiliar shouting person. This seems to indicate that your name is “Coco” but were that the case I can think of numerous other cereals that ought to have offered you endorsement deals.

not this one, though i would certainly welcome it if it meant keeping that creep bee away from My Kids.

i saw this plush effigy of the stop and shop “marty” robot in a bin with horrible elf legs decoration and thought they deserved each other.

apparently i have only mentioned marty one time, which may be too many. It is impossible to go to a stop and shop and not see one. what it does is slowly roll around the edges of aisles to try and block potential shoppers from entering or exiting. it searches for the tiniest, least consequential scraps of paper on the ground, then stops in place and starts calling out “Hazard, detected” forever until someone comes along and presses a hidden button on it that makes it shut up until it encounters another such obstruction. It is also able to trigger “clean up needed” announcements throughout the whole store if nobody presses the button soon enough. I presume its deployment has been used as justification for terminating employees. But fortunately these cheap pieces of trash ensure that a few additional sweat shop kids can earn three cents a day assembling them in the nearest country with no child protection laws. I think that is Trickle Down Economics.

I was surprised to see one in a half price bin since they tend to linger on designated shelves at full price after other similarly-themed merchandise would have been shuffled out of there and replaced with the next seasons’.

I call them “cheap” in the metaphorical sense. These full price pumpkin martspawn being from november 3 doesn’t PROVE my statement but apart from them christmas merchandise was already being rolled out in this section and there was no apparent inclination to get these out of there. They seem to be vying for the title of World’s Most Notorious Pumpkin


OH well pardon ME

other less prestigious positions may yet be available

these are going to be collector’s items one day. specifically, on wednesday, when a big truck drives around town gathering things like this, provided they have been deposited into the appropriate curbside vessel.