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Questionable artwork and pedantic miscellany
April 24, 2011
With a little bit of luck you won’t get ooked!

I didn’t forget, I was just really, really disappointed. And quite busy, also killing Osama bin Laden.
Legally, my notice about the disappointing post happened on May 1.
I will post something on May 1! It will probably be disappointing!

That’s just irresponsible. This should not be encouraged and we should not be excited about it.

I really don’t feel safe. The mango level is out of control. It has become a danger to itself and those around it. Medieval restraint devices have been brought out. We couldn’t possibly just call this “mango flavored iced tea”, given the circumstances.

It is not at all sensible. It is not moderating its own actions.

Beside the point but no more sensible.

Now we’ve given them guns! This is not the way to help them!

That’s safer, but still not addressing the problem.

I like your enthusiasm and elbows but this isn’t helping either.

Can we not recycle or eh resume in a responsible manner?

And should we really be enrouraging people to use so much junk that the bin is philled up?

To be fair, one’s sex attraction is not typically filtered through logic or reason.

In the interest of vertical balance I will post the wordy part of my madness spree later, with less pictures.

I’m sure you’re excited to know there’s more where this came from. With that said I will refrain from commenting on the shape of Phillup’s waste adornment.

July 19, 2009
I’m showing my helping hand by partnering with Hamburger Helper

I am trying to do a thing, but it is taking too long. Oops. I will try again tomorrow.


That really isn’t my problem. I couldn’t help you if it was. I wouldn’t if I could.

Michael Jackson is not a good Nerf gun, apparently, regardless of how many of his body parts are reported to be constructed from the orange, foam-like substance.

“Other farm games”: why are there any, much less if they are reputed for their slowness? I don’t doubt that even a video game about filling a bucket could be entertaining if done properly or merely spammoed to enough idiots in the facebook who forget that actual video games still exist, but I’d still be baffled if an entire genre formed around it. At best, you’ll get a series of Double Dare physical challenges out of it.
I could scarcely grasp the popularity of amusement park simulations, but farms just seem slow and dull. I liked running around with the guy in Harvest Moon until I realized I had to make him buy seeds and plant stuff. Although even more popular to others and more baffling to me are simulations of the yet more mundane, less consequential strictly residential existences of The Sims, and I filled a couple of notebook pages complaining about that which neither you nor I are likely to see in our futures, to our non-detriment, so let us talk about something else.

Very well, I grant you permission to talk about something else.


It appears to be the case that we have zwinky templates / six year old children animating our music videos now. We also have bands named after School House Rock segments. “No more kinnngs… We’re gonna do it our way!” I can’t stand it. I want to punch a poptart when I think of it. And I had to see this in the theatre of a movie I paid to watch.

Why is there a life size cardboard cut out of just some guy in this store? I thought it was one of the employees, at first, because of that necklace he’s wearing, but soon I knew the truth:

Yes, hopay, I understand it’s one of the characters from the feature film Twineline… but if I had not seen the movie I would not know that. And as somebody who’s seen the movie, I can’t imagine why anybody would want to own a thing which reminded them of it. The guy’s boardsona is utterly ordinary looking aside from his chalky skin, which could easily be a result of it being out in someone’s back yard for a couple years.

If I purchased every life size cardboard cut out of a fictional character I saw, I’d have Bat-Man, Darth Vader, Shaquille O’Neal and some guy. Next to Yoda he’s just some guy. Some guy with faded paint. So. I just thought I’d tell you.

June 10, 2008
if it goes ‘kerplunk’ you’re s-s-s-s-s-sunk.

I used to want to be a cartoonist, but the thought of me ever getting to a point where I had to be satisfied with that quality of output and that often made me want to die. I also surely lack the life experience to meet the annual golf-gag quota.

I remember back when all the characters, who hadn’t aged physically or mentally in ever, in an attempt to show that they had the vaguest connection with reality, started getting computers and making jokes that only made sense if you had neither an idea of how to use one nor any reason to have one. The moral of the story was always that you were better off reading a newspaper or using a typewriter, and you’d save money, too! Then a few years later Science Watch on The Local News discovered computers could do one new thing, at which point it was revealed that you were also better off listening to The Radio (no doubt further advances made since whenever I wrote and misplaced this have been thoroughly trounced by reference to the existence of marvelous television). Oh oh oh, I’ll never forget that Hi and Lois patriarch’s smug, half closed eyes fixed upon his big white booklet of horizontal black lines as he lerds it over his archetypally hip-yet-defeated developmentally stunted 40-year-old dwarf-offspring at the other edge of the frame whose internet browser is just so slow. No point is made in that comic so well as when it’s delivered by a character walk-posing or at least facing away from the problem. “Well I’ve solved this! There be no need to linger and have my proclamation questioned. I need regard it no further.” This is very much the trite domestic equivalent of “It’s a shame I won’t get to see you die! Ha ha ha!” except totally boring and without idealism personified escaping the death trap once left unattended. I do at least like some ambition in my monotony.
Ugh beans. Hi and Lois have just got it all figured out. I’ve seen similar frustrations brought up in regards to They’ll do it Every Time but mercifully I was spared from ever having a local news-paper which printed that. What’s important is that being disgusted by newspaper comics is a fairly consistent phenomenon among people aware of newspaper comics.

I remember more specifically that case of the mother character from For Better or For Worse (a title with the mathematical quantity of zero) struggling to open a box containing a cd-rom for a word processing computer program after one of her supposedly computer savvy children lures her from her typewriter and attempts to show her a better way to type-write. In the event you purchase a computer that lacks a typing receiver pre-installed, a computer which, by the way, you’d never find in a computer store, which is the only way a comic strip family would ever acquire one, and you purchased Microsoft Word on a CD, and your kids have been running it off the cd instead of installing it, then it is they who are dumb, and not necessarily all things which have been invented since your birth. Anyway, at the strip’s epic conclusion the mother has still not experienced success in opening the CD box and goes back to the typewriter and the end Heathcliff. No doubt this was based on the author’s own personal experience, not being able to open a CD box, which evidently takes longer to learn the arcane technique of than to draw and pen-trace a bunch of little boxes illustrating the failure. And now I have described it in many words.

July 21, 2007
Defeating you would not help me gain fame.

The internet has seemed only slightly less creepy since I figured out people talking about their GFs don’t mean their grandfathers.

Why are the people who say “IMHO,” meaning “in my humble opinion,” almost always the least humble? You can tell they really think they have the best opinion of all. They’re so un-humble that they constantly remind everyone how humble they want us to think they are. They might as well say I’M A HO, because it’s usually true.

Any day when I can’t wake up until 3 pm is one that I shouldn’t require a nap during.

My brother (the Ian one) just explained Fantasy Baseball to me. I felt like his wife.

Overheard by me, spoken by one of my fence-building occasional neighbors, presumably to one of his children: “I will kick your ass. Get in the car.” The continued childish laughter from the suspected target suggested this was not a sincere threat, but it’s certainly nothing my father ever said to me.

Lists are easy.

We chilled on Sunday.

June 19, 2007

I’m so tired of card tricks. Yes, I get that they’re easy to hide and switch around because they’re really thin and their backs are all identical. I also am totally over magic ians pretending that they messed up. Is this your card? No, no, ha ha ha, of course not, because this is your card! I’ll bet… no, I won’t bet, because that reminds me too much of poker, which is even more annoying than magicians, but I certainly would not be surprised if they had an idea, but didn’t know for sure, so they contrive ways to reveal each guess in progressively showy fashions to make it seem like everything was building up to that. But building up to what? Oh, hoo-ray, you found a card. I bet you can’t even sneak into building 4 and save Dr. Petrovich with that. I am sick to tears of the Jack of Spades and the Five of Clubs. If I must keep seeing these dumb tricks, surely they can also be done with Monopoly Chance cards or Pokemon cards. Is your card the Won Second Place in a Beauty Contest? No, of course not, because it’s actually WARTORTLE! I could try to convince myself that that the popular variety are Faxanadu cards, but then where’s MATTOCK and WINGBOOTS?

Nobody I know has a website anymore

Mr. Sr. Mxy
Gilhodes (bah you need a facebook account to see)
video game music database
pacific novelty
Green Lantern Head Trauma

them`s fightin` woids: July 21, 2020
Frimpinheap sez:
Thank you for approving! I don’t like to compare this to an “alpha build”...
July 19, 2020
Charmlatan sez:
Well, I wish to report that the video worked well, it’s like any other alpha build video of...
July 5, 2020
Charmlatan sez:
Don’t worry about having cake, because unfortunately I had enough for both of us. Oh dear. Oh...
July 4, 2020
Frimpinheap sez:
once i gave the blue dope a specific reason to have an umbrella, I could no longer casually...
July 4, 2020
Charmlatan sez:
Ah, interesting. Perhaps the umbrella can come back as a secret weapon. Hope there’s more...
July 4, 2020
Frimpinheap sez:
one dope is much like another but that is correct. It carries an umbrella in the cartoonish...
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