instagraham I don’t need this garbage right now. even the “try” in there indicates this might be a futile endeavor. Give us personal information, it says, and MAYBE we’ll let you back in. To the APP. We have miles of empty space into which to type “lication” but the more we normalize jargon, slang and abbreviations as proper terminologies the less anyone using these systems will have a clue what is going on.

ah hes also i used an alternate camera to take these pictures because the screen capture function on my mobile telephone machine is broken, on account of requiring the pressing of the power and volume buttons simultaneously, and the volume buttons no longer functioning, a development without which this unnecessary comic strip would not have been necessary. it will still TAKE screenshots but only when it feels like doing so.

which is why I have a folder full of pictures of icons, text messages and people calling me. I don’t delete them because obviously I was going to talk about this happening at some point and wanted evidence.

anywhuh, a “video selfie” is not something i have ever done in my life and as long as I am able to I intend to continue that tradition. I don’t even accept the word “selfie.” I held on to vhs years into the dvd era and that was actually something useful so I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that technology is continually looking for new ways to break my experience in non-organic ways to try and force me to use something new and dumb but that it controls instead of me.


in any case I am fortunate to have allies in my struggles.

This strange Zeldalink was given as a gift to someone else but ended up following me around instead and has done so a few years. It went pretty far but got stuck on the fourth step: “slowly tilt your head upwards,” as his neck doesn’t move and his tunic is made of hard plastic so I can’t get the camera into the right position to make it appear that Link’s head has moved. Oddly enough his hair is made of eminently malleable peanut butter.

Marketing-approved, somewhat deranged Bravemerida, the first resident I found in the next room at 1:30 in the A M when instagram issued its challenge, while also having an immobile neck, was able to finish on account of having a disproportionately large head that the camera could get under,

but unfortunately this selfie adventure took so long that video was too large to upload on my crummy internet, possibly to store on my crummy memory card.

My ever-helpful butler Alfred fortunately handled the reshoot with his usual grace and professionalism.

This had literally been in the box it was purchased in for over 20 years, waiting until the right occasion came along, which was apparently this. I have confirmed ebay people are trying to sell these for about $40 in prime boxed condition and I would say my box’s was condition is somewhat less than that. And you know some people are selling just the figure but nobody is selling just the box so I don’t know how they expect me to remedy this.

back to the point, assuming there is one:
I dislike that the ubiquity and uniformity of mobile trashnology means corporations can assume that every user has a working compact video camera positioned precisely to record their own faces. Even with people supposedly able to opt out of letting software access these cameras, the corporations can still demand that a user “opt” in to be allowed to use the software, even when it is a non-essential, possibly non-beneficial feature of the software. Any decent person could observe the user’s setting, that of having the camera blocked, and suggest an alternate method of humanity verification. Unfortunately, since there is only humanity on MY end, I get forced into doing things the robot’s way.

For now I can fool it. However, every time a test like this comes up, that trains the facial recognition machinery a bit, and eventually they will make more specific demands, like “blink your left eye” or “say the word papaya.” And most dorks will do it! The tests will not be administered simultaneously so users will never be able to collectively refuse to participate. And they probably wouldn’t anyway, since these tests also train the users to be obsequious. With all their hashtags and memes, and knowing almighty “algorithms” can cut out anyone for any deviant behavior, users are already less and less unique individuals than ever.

oh how I talk

at LEAST I have something to SAY, and am not just some entitled oxygen-stuffed dinosaur trying to tell people what to do!

also, “stress-free?” this thing has seen some trauma. admittedly I just criticized it but you know what, dinosaur, that’s part of not being extinct, rising to meet challenges. Do you think that pig doesn’t have rough days, or a rough future, or get raised in an environment so noxious and debilitating that its excrement has to be disposed of in a special “lagoon” that is literally fatal for a living being to breathe near and consequently referred to with a vague euphemism to keep people from realizing it is a death pit?
grape grimpity I am eating pork and roasted potatoes while writing this. why did you bring this up, you dumb deflated diplo dorkus?

oh nuts I didn’t realize you were part of a gang. You really do need help! (g-g-gulp and so do I)