Ah yes, ’tis I, your cute and lovable pal Horsehead.
Why’d my parents have to go and name me Horsehead? They too had the heads of horses, surely they could have come up with something better than that. Sometimes I wonder if they did not also have the accompanying brains of horses. But, I mean, they named my older brother Crispin Applesauce, which is closer to normal. Sure, he had a proper, human head, and actually I never fully figured that one out.
| Many people are curious as to what advantages having the head of a horse brings to any task. The answer is none whatsoever. Evolutionarily horse heads developed to be best suited for running across gorgeous wild meadows and romantic sunset beaches for hours at a time, not getting stabbed at some miserable dungeon “palace.” And you can bet they don’t make helmets in my size. Just ask my swamp-dwelling colleague, HELMET HEAD. They call him that because he wears TWO helmets. Did you ever wonder why he has two? Yeah, do the math, Euclid. I remember thinking, when I signed up to guard this place “whoa, I get INDESTRUCTIBLE armor AND this nifty mace? How can I lose? Easiest sack of taters I ever made. Ha ha, plop you, Thunderbird.” What I didn’t realize at the time was that wearing indestructible armor with your head exposed generally leads to your adversaries trying to stab you in the head. They arrive at this conclusion particularly swiftly if your head happens to resemble that of a horse. They will jump to do this. Oh yes they will. What’s it worth to ya? You know I’m only good for fifty experience points, right? You’ll go up a level when you besmirch my statue with your fancy rock anyway, so lay off, why dohncha. You want my key? You could have asked before you took a ginsu knife to my nose. What am I going to clean up this mess with? Not my beautiful curtains! |
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Thunderbird is, coincidentally, both the name of my employer and currently the only imbibable substance capable of making me forget my volcanic headache. Oh drat, just remembered. Thunderbirds are gulp!
And that’s not the end of it. I just found out one of those stabby punks stole my candle. My ONLY candle. Yeah, somebody update that picture up there, I don’t have it anymore. It wasn’t even a magic candle, you know, one o therm 60 rupee deals. You think I can afford that? I spent all my money on reconstructive surgery. It was just a dinkity old stupid candle. That kid, I mean, HE can go BUY a candle at the Rauru Wal Mart, and get it in lavender amber scent, even. What am *I* supposed to do? I got a HORSE HEAD, remember? Nobody wants to sell a candle to Horsehead. Also, it’s kind of hard to get to town through that cave in the dark without my CANDLE. Low ceilings and a nearly equal neck length to arm length ratio is a recipe for ouch pudding and I already had dessert.
Perhaps you’re thinking now “gee Horsehead, you seem like an intelligent, well-spoken fellow. How’d you get stuck pulling crony duty in a Level 1, which have rated consistently throughout history as the number one places for cronies to get their hides walloped?” The sad truth of the matter is that there aren’t a whole lot of career options for horse-headed Hyrulians who are also named Horsehead. You can be a chess knight and that’s about it. But they’re a bunch of stiffs, you know? I interviewed for that one time and joked that I was surprised they called me in what with my checkered past and all. Nothing. You know, because the board… ehh forget it.
Well that’s all for this week. Next time we will discuss the effects of an all oat-bucket diet on a homo sapial intestinal tract. Until then, don’t let the neigh-sayers get you down!
-Horsehead Melvin Bodaniel
Five million hogs, six million dogs, seven million barrels of porter sez:
It is indeed a sign of the fundamental injustice in our society when a six-limbed human-upper-bodied horse can have a successful career in annoying bodywash ads, but a horse-headed person is denied these same opportunities.
On the plus side, at least his dump of a residence has a catchy sound track, unlike that repetative, dreary organ music from the dungeons in the first game. One would easily go mad listening to that piece at all hours.
Beanbiebklar sez:
Oh, to the seriously. The Galbadian Hotel website is awash in re-mix and arranged albums for the most popular series, but for some reason Nintendo has a strict policy of shunning non-Kojikondal musical entries connected to their most famous francheeses when revisitations are considered. It wasn’t until, I’m told, the second brother smashing product that they finally gave the palace theme a go on the synth-o-matic.
I have not seen such a body wash ad. If it’s even half as upsetting as the one for keyboard telephones where a pair of hands’ thumb-ends resemble human heads I should think myself fortunate in my ignorance. There’s a lot of worrisome head business of late.
Mxy sez:
Was Horsehead so insulted when I mocked his middle name that he asked for my post to be removed?
Beanbiebklar sez:
It is entirely possible that it was damaged in the sudden, unexpected purge of the 130ish junk trackbacks I received all in the brief frame of time I was away from the internet. Though I have no doubt he would make such a complaint, Horsehead has no authority here and I encourage all manner of insult against any of his silly names.
Fiddle dee doo, I want to punch a walrus.
Allison Sellers sez:
Great website, very readable clean content. You may want to try adding more pictures, but either way nice site.
Beanbiebklar sez:
Oh, Mxy, I know what happened. I must have accidentally tried to delete that one a day or two early.
Mxy sez:
Wh-What? It was YOU all along? YOU killed my post? I expected this sort of behaviour from someone called Melvin, but not from you (I mean, YOU). Unless. Unless YOUr name is Melvin, too. I will finish this here.