A strange vision from my child-era that returns too often, in the Police Academy cartoon series, which existed, at one point the weapon-enthusiast Tackle Berry participates in a typical mishap and gets a toilet plunger stuck over his mouth, preventing him from explaining the incident

n the next scene he was alone in a dungeon, just wearing underwear, possibly the only time he ever appears sunglassless, with a dorky smile, talking to a rat, and there the vision ends. I had NO CLUE then why imprisonment and your clothing confiscated was appropriate punishment for getting a plunger stuck on your mouth, and I still don’t, but it left in me a lingering fear of irrationally humiliating punitive measures

And I FOUND the episode, and the moment I remembered, but only dubbed into Ukrainian! So I can SEE what happens but not grasp the context, though I may possibly prefer this to the original audio otherwise.

It seems as if the evil special guest police-academite’s master plan is to shoot Tackle-BARRRY, as he pronounces it, with a plunger-launcher, and the good terrible cops arrive to try to prevent it from happening, and once it does happen they give up attempting to help, as if not having a plunger on his face was Barry’s only claim to freedom.

It does reveal that Tackleberry is offscreen placed into a cage on a pickup truck, after being plungered, but still has the plunger while in the cage, plus handcuffs, outside the bars, which meant he was in the cage and no longer a threat before he was cuffed, and therefore probably wasn’t a threat to begin with, and isn’t wearing a police uniform, so there isn’t official regalia to strip him of before sending him to prison

possibly to hell, if this frightful pointy-edged dog-nosed micro demonspawn is any indication, and therefore there is NO reason for his clothes to be off. It makes even LESS sense than my memory! As this video was uploaded in January 2020, I am surprised Vladimir Putin didn’t cite Ukrainian possession of bio-suction based armaments that incapacitate peace-keeping forces, remove their clothes and eventually cast them into the realm of eternal torment when justifying the Russian invasion this year.

The more I review and think about the footage the more it looks like Tackleberry is imprisoned, potentially damned, exclusively because of the plunger. Or worse, because his comrades couldn’t pull the plunger off his mouth. I don’t know why that’s a crime but it isn’t even his fault! Meepwhile nobody is shown escorting him off the roof or putting him in the cage, and the ones who failed to remove the plunger just watch him get driven away in the truck cage. I am left to think they caged Berry themselves after realizing they couldn’t remove the plunger and risked similar measures for continued defiance. But once Berry is in the dungeon with his unholy familiar the plunger is gone and he seems much more content. Maybe it is an enchanted plunger that cannot be removed unless your clothes come off with it. I am really not getting the closure I wanted on this.

Additionally, mostly unrelated, I can see in the little preview, and am un-inclined to view full size, BIG dollar-sign-symbol cash sacks but in at least one shot the animators casually mirrored one. It isn’t a photography error, like the cels were wrong-side-up, or a region-specific matter, like DiC inverting shots of school bus doors in Sailor Moon, since the other $ is normal. It just means the key animators at the east Asian animation studio that would have done most of the work on a show like this weren’t familiar enough with dollar signs to see when one was flagrantly incorrect, and the grunt animators who had to draw all the individual frames and color them in weren’t paid enough to point out a problem like that in the event any of them noticed. In fact the employees who change the signs at the New Haven Connecticut Popeyes and Walgreens can’t even be trusted to put the dollar sign up forwards 100% of the time. It just is not a priority for a lot of people.

I can’t find/am afraid to find photographic evidence, but here is a 2013 dairy queen sign with a backwards N. Not only that, the Ks are upside-down. I can’t believe I don’t have friends with my superhuman powers of fault-finding.

according to my file names , this is the other side of the sign, with the same backwards N! And YOU might say this is more than likely the same side of the sign, so I shall point out that the B is ALSO upside down, but only on ONE side!

ha ha HA! Ha, ha ha HA, ha HA ha, hee ho heh.

Getting back to the main digression, I do not believe the surprise backwards S front and center on a television screen is what traumatized me into fearing the shape and being wary of non-backwards S-es with certain types of curvature and thickness, else that would be what I remember.

It was often hard to track specifics of thin moving shapes like that on blurry cathode ray screens, at least for me, which is why I never noticed the one Whirlwind carries around when running to the right and THROWS at the heroes as a weapon in Captain America and the Avengers even though I played that game every time I saw it, and that was released three years after the Police Academy cartoon supposedly started airing, and hopefully also after it had stopped airing. In fact I never noticed until today that Whirwind isn’t even really carrying the bag so much as having it glued to one of his fists. The backwards bags in the cartoon were bigger but I probably didn’t have cable at the time and potentially saw it with staticy signal distortion over it. This is important.

some things are more important, though.

2-2-2022 oh beets I had some incomplete code in here yesterday, but now I don’t!
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A lot of dead celebrity news lately. I assume they are dropping all the time and I merely rarely learn about them until afterward or don’t know who they are.

I learned a lot from Betty White, primarily that Woman’s World goes to press further in advance of distribution than People does

hm WELL I can admit when I’m wrong!

then was Bob Saget’s death

I evidently saved this on july 26 1999, from an already concluded photograph editing contest I saw on some America Online page, possibly. The stupid face manipulation was always funnier to me than the context. I remember I would show this to my sister to get strange reactions.
I believe the “ha! ha!” is meant to be pronounced like an early south park or simpsons parody of Saget, who force-laughed in doubled bursts of “huh!” but i like imagining it being more like The Count from Sesame Street. Not empty and phony, but legitimately entertained, just in the manner of a vampire who likes sequential numbers too much.

I also have this gif from the same contest. It doesn’t amuse me nearly as much but it does hearken back to a more innocent time when people had no idea how to save images properly.

while trying to determine what show the “huh!” Saget was from, I ascertained that while Saget may merely have been MENTIONED on the Simpsons, the simpsons wiki administrator still considers him an important enough figure to the franchise that he has a mortality box, for which harder evidence of his demise is required than “news” that it occurred for the box’s status to reflect that. or maybe

this seems an odd length to go to cope with that.

Our hearts go out to the entire Loaf family

I felt bad about this remark for some reason and followed it up by saying:
I don’t consider a death at 74 years after achieving enduring multi-decade success without any major scandals to his name to be as tragic as they come so I figure he can handle a stupid joke at his expiration’s expense. I didn’t feel any better even though that is true! It doesn’t help that reports of his death consistently cite his appearance in Rocky Horror Picture Show as a defining moment in his career even though it only lasts about three minutes. Did none of these writers see Spice World? Meat Loaf is all over that, even if his character avoids being murdered off-screen.

the next night one of my subconscious dreams involved me discovering an elaborate Doom engine total conversion based on the 1994 historical drama Wagons East Exclamation Point, best known for being so bad that John Candy dropped dead before filming had wrapped.


wikportedly, Candy disliked the script but agreed to appear anyhow as he was one million dollars in debt and still under contract from a previous, presumably better film that was cancelled. Ironically, the movie company got $15 million life insurance money. THAT’s a tragic death!
and Carolco STILL filed for bankruptcy the very next year, despite having released the most successful action movies of all time up to that point.

something I didn’t considering until I cropped the above image, Wagons East also featured Charles Rocket, a former Saturday Night Live actor best known for getting fired from the show for cursing during a sketch about someone having shot him, and then decades later slicing his own throat, subsequently only getting a 3 second silent still image tribute on the program, which presumably had never invited him back for any of its incessant self-indulgent tributes to itself but had mocked his existence at least once during the period when I was watching it. That’s also pretty tragic! Despite having a major role in Dumb and Dumber, a very widely known Jim Carrey film. Fellow comedian Richard Jeni appeared in another 1990s Jim Carrey stega-hit, The Mask, and also killed himself, with a gun. Jim Carrey is one of the highest paid actors of all time and still living, and I don’t know that he made any comment about either of those deaths.

oh alright that explains it, nevermind!

shortly afterward I learned of Louie Anderson’s recent death. I felt bad for him so I made no jokes about it! I made plenty while he was alive. Not here, though, apparently. The closest I appear to have come was trying to put him in that “Hamiltwins” image but not being able to get the drawing to look like him, and casually citing his name in 2014.

not long afterward I saw news about Neil Young and assumed he was dead. He isn’t dead, just having a quarrel with spotify.

why is anybody surprised that a company which can afford to pay for the right to distribute so much commercial audio is turning a massive profit and in the business precisely to do that? it should only be a shocking revelation when one does NOT put money first.

oh give me eight breaks. spotify didn’t invent music nor the concept of listening to it. what happened to all the ipods and pandoras and whatnot that were so faddy with visible people before this? Who was buying new albums on vinyl records in the 21st century if not them? Why would any “music lovers” let someone else decide what music they get to hear? Because the harder someone wants you to know how great their taste in music is and how REAL they are because they like music, the dumber and phonier they are.

I presume this is just the sound of somebody splashing in a bath tub.

ah ha 18 hours later I thought of a purpose for this scene while sketching out the next nemitz-lope-elpse page, as it helps set up something else “story”wise that I was not certain how to set up, so I likely will include it or a piece of it. Kumquat WAS the original main character, and it seems to me now bizarre that I would consider omitting a scene containing that character when they are already in short supply simply because it contained no action, but I don’t like when people in fictional media stand around talking for prolonged periods, even if it has some amount of relevance, . i prefer for information to be delivered while something else is happening. This was hardly kevin smith “characters in movie talking about another movie” level unnecessary but if I were close to that I would quit making this comic strip and simply go partake of whatever commercial item i was having the characters talk about, because it would mean my passion lay elsewhere and passion is what keeps a slow, free, silly project like this going.

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The past year ish, apart from the dumb virus and dumb trump club has preferred me to spend time on things other than the bimshwellian comicoid, which itself is sending me mixed messages about how to complete the next section. Sometimes i have characters theoretically argue with each other and that gives me clues but this one doesn’t seem to be reaching a conclusion. at first I thought it was a needless exchange that didn’t necessarily need to be included, then it seemed like it might go somewhere, then it didn’t. I definitely don’t want to draw 40 consecutive panels of just kumquat and yibric talking about nothing, but also sometimes additional details that come to me while drawing the panels help point me toward a more meaningful version of the exchange. I can postpone this part since it is separate from what other characters are doing, but I am also postponing the next part with the gnomes in the lizard’s apartment, because I am not sure which or how many to draw in there, and if there should be a neutral page of them in there before what I want to happen to them in there occurs, and that can’t happen until after the next dumb things that the lizard does.

I colored yibric’s lines but not kumquat’s because the html code is tedious and if you had difficulty visually distinguishing colors there is no way you would have been able to follow my pictures-in-boxes mess up to this point.

1 Hey kay kay, the stuff’s not here. I found the darts but no glob.
I warned you never to call me that!
2 is that your prime concern about this?
should I be concerned?
3 you said to deal with “the rest,” I figured the absence of the rest would mean something
it may mean that elpse has reabsorbed the material
4 and…?
we therefore need not clean it up
5 i think you are being deliberately silly in an attempt to antagonize me
hm hm hm the tables have turned!
6 if elpse reabsorbs the material then your antidote failed!
OR you sabotaged my antidote!
7 why would I do that?
I do not know why you would do that
8 there fore, lacking evidence, you have no foundation to accuse me of having done that
I did not accuse, I merely supposed
9 well suppose you hurt my feelings, would you like that?
I have feelings! You have schemings! And you brought this up anyway!
10 fine then I drop it! let’s go!
FINE then! We will go!
11 then we are harmonious!
then why do I feel so sad?
12 (because I actually DID sabotage the antidote! Tee hee heap!)
you had better not be think-laughing at me!
13 hey look it’s the dope
indeed
14 don’t you think it is strange to find the dope out here?
not exactly. It probably climbed out of the goop pool on my partially submerged chair and followed elpse thinking elpse was a dope because I injected elpse with with the same material from which dopes were made.
15 you have a strange perception of what isn’t strange
AND as I also inject myself with dope material I much prefer it to follow elpse, which it should continue to do following your meddling.
16 you COULD just blast it with its yellow antidope. why were you keeping it?
I was keeping it away from me!
17 OKAY BUDDY then why bother trying to uncurse elpse if you don’t care that you failed?
I was testing my creation, and that concluded the test! Your deed has foiled elpse, not me.
18 pog would see it differently
pog is ignorant of the specifics and will see what I show.
19 pog’s judgement matters to you! Why not my own?
because YOU relish it! Pog suffers from compassion.
20 I may tell pog
to spite me?
21 pog will regard me as morally superior to you
you are not
22 hence why I can do that without any psychological consequence. What is your excuse?
I do not need to explain myself to you!
23 how do you explain you to you?
I avoid doing so.

I don’t much know why I bother counting because it is the amount of dialog and the complexity of the drawings that dictate how many panels should [reasonably] be on one page, not simply how many times I require myself to draw each set of characters. In the past I have mentioned that planning for 16 frames consistently fails because I always want to cram in more than I initially expected and planning for 12 is safer. And also I have had to re-edit plenty of too-cramped pages into slightly larger numbers of slightly less cramped pages already. And ALSOer when reviewing other RECENT pages, to try and re-determine where I was in this and which lines from the terribly disorganized script document i had already made use of, the ease with which I could read the dialog varied considerably, despite my belief that I had greatly increased the clarity over what was acceptable to me back when I had the first comic book made. These pages were made fresh AFTER I had broken up earlier crowded pages, meaning I carried the awareness that such a situation should be avoided going forward, and I plainly have failed to avoid it! I shall need to break up and re-compile many more. 16 may simply be too many panels for one page, even a well-planned page, if I insist on hand-lettering them, and obviously I do. I could stand to fuss less over varying the letter styles because I lack proficiency in that despite nearly 20 years of experience. I may need to limit how many strange things that nobody else does that I do in order to have any hope of making this production coherent outside my mind. And once in while I even do break some of the obsessive compulsive habits that drive this forward without sending it off the road to its death. Instead it comes to a solid halt in the street. Nobody else drives on this street. It is lonely but it means I have time to fix this atrocious metaphor.

Sprinkler update:

Poles are very thin and often get left out (That’s why their country is so big). Not so here! This, incidootally, is a close approximation of how Poland Spring water is made.

You don’t want the grass soaking up all the water, naturally… sometimes you have to aim for the drainage grate if you want the water to actually get there. It has a job to do, after all!

Sometimes the sprinkle machines battle each other for supremacy. This is totally worth the school’s atrocious commuter parking options.

Patrons of the krampus library don’t always have time to bathe. And neither, for that matter, does the walkway they use to get there. This is the perfect place for another sprinkler.

Yes this most certainly took eight days to put together.

Mysterious!

Somebody in Pittsburgh who seems to have access to a type writer –I assume it is the ghost of Frank Gorshin, as he supposedly came from Pittsburgh and ghosts often possess antiquated composition equipment– considers me a thing which the internet tells me refers to a beggar-type person who attempts to maintain an air of refinement in spite of that (I accept such a critique from the owner of a bowler hat). Essentially, a parasite on society (maybe he thinks I ripped off his laugh?). I must say it’s nice to have written correspondence with like-minded people. Even ones to whom I cannot actually write back due to their lacking return-addresses, possibly as a result of being non-corporeal beings with no need for a specific place of dwelling. That’s probably, actually, for the better, as I often struggle to reply at messages, and this saves me the trouble of writing most of a response, getting stuck, and forgetting about it until it passes from relevance. Schnorrin’ ain’t easy, as they (some people, surely) say, so I appreciate my phantom menace helping me out in such a way. This is also the closest item I received to a valentine card.

Ehhh, if I do not include the imaginary face book toilet paper granted unto me by an imaginary face book friend. And I do, but only in my mind. It needs to be wiped occasionally. For example, the thought which caused the previous sentence would have benefited, I now realize.

Thursday topic: I will be going to watch another wedding in a place closer to where I saw the last one than wherever I normally am. It is unknown when I will return or when I will write more junk and appear to have returned after returning.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Ah yes, ’tis I, your cute and lovable pal Horsehead. Why’d my parents have to go and name me Horsehead? They too had the heads of horses, surely they could have come up with something better than that. Sometimes I wonder if they did not also have the accompanying brains of horses. But, I mean, they named my older brother Crispin Applesauce, which is closer to normal. Sure, he had a proper, human head, and actually I never fully figured that one out. Many people are curious as to what advantages having the head of a horse brings to any task. The answer is none whatsoever. Evolutionarily horse heads developed to be best suited for running across gorgeous wild meadows and romantic sunset beaches for hours at a time, not getting stabbed at some miserable dungeon “palace.” And you can bet they don’t make helmets in my size. Just ask my swamp-dwelling colleague, HELMET HEAD. They call him that because he wears TWO helmets. Did you ever wonder why he has two? Yeah, do the math, Euclid. I remember thinking, when I signed up to guard this place “whoa, I get INDESTRUCTIBLE armor AND this nifty mace? How can I lose? Easiest sack of taters I ever made. Ha ha, plop you, Thunderbird.” What I didn’t realize at the time was that wearing indestructible armor with your head exposed generally leads to your adversaries trying to stab you in the head. They arrive at this conclusion particularly swiftly if your head happens to resemble that of a horse. They will jump to do this. Oh yes they will. What’s it worth to ya? You know I’m only good for fifty experience points, right? You’ll go up a level when you besmirch my statue with your fancy rock anyway, so lay off, why dohncha. You want my key? You could have asked before you took a ginsu knife to my nose. What am I going to clean up this mess with? Not my beautiful curtains! Thunderbird is, coincidentally, both the name of my employer and currently the only imbibable substance capable of making me forget my volcanic headache. Oh drat, just remembered. Thunderbirds are gulp! And that’s not the end of it. I just found out one of those stabby punks stole my candle. My ONLY candle. Yeah, somebody update that picture up there, I don’t have it anymore. It wasn’t even a magic candle, you know, one o therm 60 rupee deals. You think I can afford that? I spent all my money on reconstructive surgery. It was just a dinkity old stupid candle. That kid, I mean, HE can go BUY a candle at the Rauru Wal Mart, and get it in lavender amber scent, even. What am *I* supposed to do? I got a HORSE HEAD, remember? Nobody wants to sell a candle to Horsehead. Also, it’s kind of hard to get to town through that cave in the dark without my CANDLE. Low ceilings and a nearly equal neck length to arm length ratio is a recipe for ouch pudding and I already had dessert. Perhaps you’re thinking now “gee Horsehead, you seem like an intelligent, well-spoken fellow. How’d you get stuck pulling crony duty in a Level 1, which have rated consistently throughout history as the number one places for cronies to get their hides walloped?” The sad truth of the matter is that there aren’t a whole lot of career options for horse-headed Hyrulians who are also named Horsehead. You can be a chess knight and that’s about it. But they’re a bunch of stiffs, you know? I interviewed for that one time and joked that I was surprised they called me in what with my checkered past and all. Nothing. You know, because the board… ehh forget it. Well that’s all for this week. Next time we will discuss the effects of an all oat-bucket diet on a homo sapial intestinal tract. Until then, don’t let the neigh-sayers get you down! -Horsehead Melvin Bodaniel

Note: The above message does not necessarily reflect the thoughts or words of Horsehead. It’s kind of hard to think when everybody’s CHOPPING your BRAIN all the time.

Some weeks ago, not long in the present, a person, known as Runde, who I happened to be in occasional contact with, suddenly proclaimed that he would accept artwork subject requests from ten people, no more, no less.

There’s a lot of request requesting in the field of deviant arts, but like any other noticeably non-journalistic task the journal construction tools are used for, usually peculiar demands are made in return which seek to have other people imitate the deed and more importantly bring glory to the person who ordered the imitations, and occasionally whoever first ordered it as well. I will probably explain this in detail some other time. I actually already did but it’s… painful. I am trying to separate my annoyance at the system in general from my lack of annoyance at a situation which came up once. That means I took out the bit about “stamps,” too. All the mood-swinging was disrupting my ear-fluid.

Runde, though, not only cast out the free request line, but decided to break the indirect validation chain by dropping any arbitrary complications as well, in a display of selflessness and humility I’d rarely manage, simply stating “I would like the practice.” I bean if it was me I’d be getting all up in them journals like “Behold, my might, fools! Look at what I am doing for you! Ten silly beasts for the price of none! You now bear the weight of my eternal curse until you pass it to ten others! Is that what it is worth to you?” Runde is not a wicked sorcerer in these matters. There still was one problem, however, also me.
The wicked thought came to me what an opportunity I had to get someone else to draw a nemitz without being expected to embarrass myself beyond my usual quota at a later date (as I am no good with public displays of anything). But why? I’ve drawn probably thousands of them already, typically to a standard I regard as adequate. Any significance to having one made by someone else is lost if I have to ask for it, right?

And yet…

You may see how this “quayeg” “person” attempts to shift ultimate responsibility, either to not seem obsessed or to not seem interested, but I know the truth.

And so, not incredibly long later,

There! At the right! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!
A reasonable person would assume nemitz can’t read, but we have no evidence nor accusation that any word comprehension is taking place here. The positioning of nemitzs’ nemittens suggests that it intends to eat the book. I reckon the robot kaiser turtle is having none of that.

I suppose it’s good to know that nemitz, at least, is better at making friends than I am. Also that it’s possible for the creature to be drawn with more reasonably-exposed eyes without looking creepy[er]. I have tried and failed, but this Runde person seems to have figured it out, and without any apparent hint of resentment, either.

If some weirdo (“some weirdo” referring to a person like myself, just not specifically me for the purposes of this hypothesis) I hardly, if at all, knew, responded to an offer I surely meant for someone else and said “eck! draw this thing you likely never wanted to be drawing and for free,” the chance is that I’d find some awkward way out of it or do it poorly or in such a way that it no longer fully resembled the thing. Yet that there is unmistakably the nemitz. Indeed, I suspect that a couple of the ten were only taken on begrudgingly, but I cannot tell which, looking at the results. That is good. If you want to have actual art-work, that’s pretty much all it is. Drawing things you hate but making it look like you don’t necessarily hate it, meanwhile wondering how The Wizard of Id could possibly have required the contributions of two people. By the basket, did you know both Parker and Hart have been dead for a year? I thought they had been murdered and secretly replaced by a jealous photocopier twenty years ago.

Rundeh is one of a small unaffiliated group of persons who for whatever reason found and left positive remarks regarding stupid junk I had made, with the effect of altering my perception of community art website users as terrible people terribly obsessed with terrible things. I still think a lot of them are, but I don’t see why you have to be so negative all the time. As you know, I only made a deviant-art page at all because some yahoo dared me.

This was a strange situation. The figures from the previous group, at least by their default arrangement on the gallery page, seem to have taken a distinct dislike to nemitz. I’m sure they have a perfectly good reason. I speculated that they may be gods, due to the immense size suggested by not fitting their entire selves on the page, and also the general influence of the devilish being lurking in the back. And… have you ever seen a happy god? They’re always mad at something. And in this case it’s nemitz. Maybe that book is the Necronomicon. I hear they plan to take revenge by dropping an empty coke bottle on nemitz.

Actually, it only appears this way if your screen resolution is above 1024×768, because a few months ago the deviant-art machine placed a big block stupid ad in the uppermost row of every gallery page belonging to someone not paying protection money. (Gods use big monitors)

Another thing I like about Ryundai is that he doesn’t waste paper. If it seems imprudent to cram mass amounts of crazy fools onto one page together he tends to occupy excess space with bizarre heirlogryphy symbols floating all over the place in such a way that they seem like they make sense there. He also has pretty handwriting. I won’t pretend I think he regards Free Sketches 4 to 7 as his best ever work just because nemitz is in it, I just thought it would function well as a selfish visual aid for me. I was really only here today to talk about that.

Yes, so… I just thought I’d mention that? I swear none of this is supposed to be an insult. I have often observed that the amount of insult I cause is inversely-proportional to the amount I intend to cause.

Look, see? Already. I have offended my own graphics by not wanting to offend anyone. Truly, I cannot win.

The internet has it in for me.

NEMITZ, popular with the robots, Redeeming Value | How to lose a guy in (4) days | !

Not just for trivial public situations, apparently men need to phonily cover up their hair color full time because they just aren’t good enough for their kids anymore.

To be fair, because I feel a need to be fair to the untouchable billion-dollar corporate short haired square-skulled smirking desk monkeys who leave me ever-miserable, the actual “plot” is that these kids are concerned with their father’s inability to attract a new mate, and they think it’s because of his grey hair. I can imagine their conversation.

Hey, Bradley, why is Daddy so mopey?

Because, Appleton, he isn’t having sex! Ladies don’t dig getting boned by dudes with grey hair!

Whillickers! What should we do, big sis?

We should go buy some of that Just For Men snazz we see commercials for during Winx Club!

Wowie zowie, that oughta do it! I can’t wait for old pop to start bringing fickle screw toys home again!

Hotcha! New mommies are the cat’s meow!

Later, this man who could pass for Mitt Romney, Wink Martindale or any other overpromoted funny-named scumcylinder who wishes he was significant enough to destroy America, sends a magic telephone picture to his

young incestuous conjoined twins to let them know he made the score. He got the goods. He powered up with Just For Men and won the game. Because he is pro-victory.

His exploits inspire children all around, and not merely his own.

It’s Just For Men, after all, and while his redundantly chromosomed defects may rejoice from a distance, they can never truly know such glory and triumph, that which only comes with slopping fudge over your follicles. At best, they can support their man.

Yes.
It is better, though, to want to win. Perhaps some day you’ll get to buy hair paint, too! If you’re man enough.

However, I did see the “Hairspray” movie, actually in a theatre, back in July. For some reason it included a preview for the Underdog movie, which I had complained about extensively several days prior. I immediately typed a sternly worded complaint –yes, right there, in the theater, on my pocket typewriter– about it again but couldn’t stand redundancy and so here it is now.

7-29-2007
See? I included the date. That proves it.

In Hairspray, I appreciated the absence of actual songs from the 1960s. Nothing ruins my day like Paul Revere and The Kingsmen and the whoever did that dreadful yak song. All in all in, considering how much I hated the old Hairspray when we watched it at my uncle’s house like three times, this was shockingly bearable. Re: John Travolta: I realize the importance of having a man fill a woman role that was originally done by a man, but “they” ought to have found someone who could sing properly as a woman. Obviously I’m not really here to whine about this.

I’d like to see a remake of Brigadoon with more of the stage version’s songs in it and a proper ending. I don’t know if the omitted songs were any good, just that the movie I saw seemed like it could have used some more songs, most definitely at the end. I also think Van Johnson should have danced more than once, but that’d be unlikely in a remake since he’s 90 years old.

But ehhh…
The latest Underdog movie preview made the exact same clips look worse than ever. I’m addressing this subject again because the last time I was so mad that I forgot to make sense. The Underdog people don’t have an excuse for not making sense because they’re clearly all very proud of themselves.

What is it about dogs that brings out the schlockiest scripts, scummiest screenplays and corniest concepts in people?

And why would Jason Lee, who at one point looked as if he could have had a semi-respectable comedy film career, accept such a job if he knew the sort of sub-Growing Pains material he’d be working with? I know it’s a dog-eat-dog business, and one can’t assume one will ever be offered so much money again, but in this movie it would be a dog-eat-cat business. That’s the kind of material we’re dealing with.

There’s something about computer graphics that makes something awful twice as awful. So combining that with the dog problem is of course, not so much a recipe, but definitely a Hungry Man XXL microwave instructions for failure. You need to use the convection oven! Alas, few people see the logic of eating something out of a little cardboard box if they have thirty minutes to spare. I’m sure in my younger days I could have parlayed that remark into another anti-underdog simile, but I’ll leave it as it is for now.

The same day as that, I saw a television spot with the second newest* old standby of moron movie marketing, scripted fake out-takes. Oops! The trained dog we dub words over later messed up his line! Even though we recorded all his lines months ago and use computer tricks to make the dog’s mouth appear to move! Where’s my 1950s clickboard? Oh, it’s in this truth.com ad.

Whudafxup with this getting past the censor tribunal? We can’t show a good Popeye cartoon before 2 am but phonetically (however poorly) spelling out “what the fuck’s up” gets a pass six times every hour? Hopefully I will explore this matter further before December. That would be pathetic if I forgot about both these urgent issues for five months.

Anyway:
Who in the creative club speaks up and says “hey, I know, why don’t we further ground a once somewhat imaginitive concept firmly within mundane reality but in a totally phony way with some fake out-takes?” Why wasn’t that person fired ten years ago? Not only have fake out takes continued, other people have ripped it off. How many times do I have to get mad at this before everyone in the world stops doing it? Yes, it would be nice if people could stop murdering each other, but unlike murder, neither side stands to benefit from a fake out-take. And at least if I was dead I wouldn’t need to worry about seeing fake out-takes in future ads for future imagination not included re-imaginations.

I could understand if this was a plot to sell off unsold junk manufactured in the 1970s or lousy dvds -I wouldn’t like it, but I’d understand it- but Disney has no claim to that. Increased awareness of the old product is not a goal. What is the goal? Could someone tell me what the goal is? Is it to make me so nutso that I strangle someone and get sent to gaol? Well, no one spells it that way anymore. Get with the program. Take a chill pill. Like, talk to the hand. You go, girl! D-d-d-d-don’t go there!

*I believe the process through which the words comprising dipshank critic blurbs appear on signs or are manipulated by characters in actual movie footage came just a bit later. I don’t know why anyone would want me to think the actual scenes look like that, but I don’t know why they do anything. Thankfully, Underdog hasn’t gotten much praise. It would have told me if it had. International markets may not be so fortunate as I, however.

Also, Daddy Day Camp and another Veggie Tales movie which I hope is only the second. Did I come to see Hairspray or retardo spray? Are these really targeting the same audience? These make the Stardust and Charles Bartlett previews look watchable. But I know they aren’t, and I won’t.

I will, however, advise Anthony Michael Hall to sue for dork infringement. I assumed it failed quietly and went away, but supposedly this movie’s release was merely delayed until February, so in all probability I’ll have to deal with these awful ads again. Beh. I can’t even manage a bah. I’m too weak.

Much like Are we Done Yet (which you may well be asking by now, and no, we’re not), the sequel to Are We There Yet, Daddy Day Camp’s demographicites are so witless they can’t even be trusted to count up to two. Or maybe it’s the screenwright who can’t. It’s hard to tell. This movie features mullet-centric jokes. I’ll grant that mullets are kind of dumb, but they’re not nearly as hilarious as the billions of jokes about them which have accumulated on the internet in ten years seem to think. Mullet jokes are the absolute hackiest rapiest ugh yon abe nab it short-circuited my brain. Maybe now I can write the next sequel!

A Veggietales movie. But what the help are Veggietales? Aside from a few rare spots for their other movie, I’ve never seen them anywhere. They’re a product of the modern Disney commercialism that keeps their absolute worst output invisible to anyone who might potentially warn the intended victims how stupid the things are. But they aren’t made by Disney. I don’t know who they’re made by. All I know is that I hate that person. The rumored heavy bible content isn’t even a factor. That’s how terrible veggietales are. What are they for? They’re not even “cute.” Their noses are too big and their eyes are too close together. I doubt, if they were real, anybody would want to eat them, either.

And this, it claims to be something like “the greatest vegetable movie of all time.” Ha ha, right? Except Attack of the Killer Tomatos was a tremendous success (I think) that plenty more people know about. Everything in this preview made me mad.

The subtitle is The Pirates Who Don’t do Anything, and already we know we’re in for a good time. Of course they don’t do anything; actual pirates rob, kidnap, rape and murder. They’re just bad news in general. Totally inappropriate for most children films. Besides, they need arms for all those things. Not that there isn’t rape and murder in The Bible, and we’d never selectively ignore, edit and otherwise remake The Bible and continue calling it “The Bible” to meet our particular indoctrination/marketing scheme, would we? That would be distorting God’s Word and

apparently there’s nothing wrong with that.

Or there are things wrong with it, but not the ones I suspected.

Maybe his imagination wasn’t captured because he’s tired of hearing about Abraham and David and Noah and Onan all the time. You may think that’s quite unlike children to get sick of anything, but it happens. What you don’t understand is that kids choose the things they don’t get sick of, not you. “Aw maw, not another bible! I told you I wanted Ivanhoe!”

Also, they tend to latch onto unusual phrases or specific visual bits more than any intellectual matter behind the content. My imagination was captured- held hostage even, by the “Disney Classics” logo on a particular copy of Disney Robin Hood that my mother used to continually rent for me. There was another copy with a different Disney Classics logo that I didn’t like at all. I possibly demanded the tape be exchanged for the other. I was also fascinated by the FBI warning which occurred first.

I must not have been alone, because about 50 people downloaded the sequence from “retrojunk.com” and reuploaded it to… some other site and got congratulated for it as if they’d accomplished something. There’s even a big enough audience that it’s worth adding extra, irrelevant, garbage website logos to. I hate many people. Do you have any idea what an accomplishment it is to have me staring directly at a Disney notice of intellectual property, after mentioning Underdog, at that, and be complaining about something else? Remind me to explain that sometime.

Most importantly, that fascination of mine did not transition into a fascination with a more realistic, less abridged Robin Hood. My mother, bless her Dodge Aries, bought me a big purple Robin Hood book with pictures and stories and everything, but I was disappointed that the people depicted weren’t stupid cartoon animals. Let’s hope Disney never makes a bible movie. Though I admit Disney’s Bible has a wonderful blasphemous sound to it.

We wouldn’t want to work toward lengthening those attention spans, would we. No no no, it’s much easier and more lucrative to pander to every stage of spoiled bibly brattitude.
This here is actually an abridged version of an abridged version. I’ll never understand why people think small children need totally different things than slightly less small children. We give them special dumbed down bibles, stupided up cartoons, sapped around video games, even dumbed down food, eeeven though its all dumped down in the end regardless. And the original stuff isn’t all that smart. I don’t think I ever ordered a “happy meal,” but it’s not like normal chicken mcnuggets come with fois gras and vodka. When I was six years old I played grubbish old regular mildly violent Rygar, not Lil’ Rygar presents: L’il Rygar and Gruffy Adventures: My First Day of School: the Search for Rygella’s lost Bike Helmet. Because they didn’t make trash like that in 1989. It would have been Rygar and Son, but Rygar wasn’t a cartoon and so was exempt. But I was just trying to make a point. You don’t need to analyze everything I put here. Geesh. Chill out, man. Mellow out, dude.

NOW [that’s what [someone, surely] call[s] music] Octothorpe-Ones, for people who don’t have time to hear the prechewed audio assaults that were slightly less popular than others. I envy you, really, I do. I wish there was a massive assemblage of billionnaires who knew exactly what I wanted and were willing to sell it to me at an alleged markdown.

Oh my gawrsh! Is that Neon Bible? Quick! Turn it off! It only debuted at 2 on the US charts! Ehhhwahh?! This new iPod only has one button and I’m too agitated to press it the right way! Help! Subcultures are stealing my soul! I’m turning goth! I’m turning emo! I’m turning Japanese! Ahhhhhhhgathaaaa! That only reached spot 36! Nooooooo…!

The fact that past NOW albums have already compiled these in as close a proximity to Kidz being Bopped is of no consequence. That statistically, the intended buyers already own all the albums, or at least the singles these songs come from to have made them “#1s,” doesn’t change that you want this. And you can have it! It’s there for you! Go get it!

Well, thither goeth my weekend. Kudos granola snacks to Darth Kommissary for broadening his musical horizons by listening to NOW albums for one specific track and totally baffling me as to how he made his choice. 4 out of 5 people similarly baffle me when they aren’t recommending Oral-B toothbrushes. I happen to use one myself.