December 1, 2008

I remember, a few weeks ago, there was this big News headline to the effect of “Jolie disses Aniston” above all other things and I was utterly baffled by it but not curious enough to attempt reading it. Even now that I accidentally deleted the last month of pictures I saved off of websites I remember it, but only because I dictated an angry complaint through my fingers to my keyboard about it.


Sure, the “news” service had “yahoo” in its name… in fact “yahoo” was its name, but apparently we’re not supposed to consider that any more than we are meant to associate selectively non-naked rain forest ladies who battle Grimace-esque Draculas with the sale of books.



Here, though, is a totally different diss-themed headline involving the popular kids. Nevermind why, nevermind when, just know that it happened, and somebody with a better google rank than me noticed.

Boysenberry! Ambush!

Ah hass! Reinforcements!


I don’t even remember why I came in here.

Who are these people? Have they nothing better to do than exchange disses?
What are disses? If you actually read some of the stories attached to these titles, the “diss” invariably turns out to be something utterly trivial and unworthy of bringing to so many peoples’ attentionses. Capcom did not “diss” X-Box, as much as I’m sure it could stand to be dissed once in a while. Somebody employed by Captaincommando expressed a concern for the state of the former Box’s online service but in such a way that suggests he expects it to improve. This did not need a graphic. No obliterating blue fireball was thrown. Use of diplomacy suggests a desire to avoid dissing. Not disrespectful in the least!

Great Moments in History
November 30, 2008:
Roneldo Disses Disses

This is of even less consequence than that time Danny Devito choke-slammed Presidente Bush
through a table and bashed him with a steel ring bell.

Just jolly Jolie herself has achieved Paris Hilton levels of mention-on-tv-without-justification-ability simply for, as far as I can figure out without specifically looking her up, adopting a couple kids. Isn’t it good to adopt children? Isn’t that preferable to them not having parents? Even if the new parents happen to be diss-drunk doibydickleses? I’m sure Joliebean was in some movies at some point, but either I never saw them or did and just didn’t find anything about her particularly memorable. Eh, eh, I’m receiving a transmission… I hear that she has fat lips. Is that it? I’ve seen people with big lips on screens before.


And then at some point she was acquainted through the six-syllable name club with Jennifer Aniston, who also supposedly did something, but now they hate each other for some reason, and it’s assumed that I know that. Actually, I’m sad to admit that I figured out right before The Friends Show was canceled or whatever that Anniston was on it. And Matt Leblanc, Matt Perry or Luke Perry was also on it and oh, such good times they had. I either need to stop watching television or watch a rumproastload more of it.

A helpful robot provided me with this. It is everything I need to know. I wish I could have Jack Perkins read it to me.

I’ve been hearing about Angelina Jolie and Brad Petunia for… maybe 8 years now? I seriously don’t think about them. I don’t find jokes about them funny. They have failed to matter even in a mocking way within muh mind. They’re barely boring.


I
seriously just [three months ago] saw Bradd Pitt in an ad for a movie with Brad Pitt in it and couldn’t figure out who he was. I eventually settled on Val Kilmer, TV’s Madmartigan/Air Bite Guy From Top Gun before being corrected by onscreen text that it was the Pitt fellow I’d heard so much about.

Oh, much longer than so! I would never forget! We madmarted before, and we will madmartigan.



2 Responses
  1. 1
    11:18 pm, December 2, 2008

    A hair-raising adventure sez:

    There is no time for recursive dissing.

    I know that Dracula has taken many different forms over the years, but when you make him look like that, there’s really no point in calling this character Dracula anymore. On the other hand, I once had a dream in which Baba Yaga variously manifested as a loudspeaker on the side of a cabin and a railroad switch light, and I still tend to regard this as one of the better ideas my subconscious has produced.

  2. 2
    9:02 pm, December 4, 2008

    Beanbiebklar sez:

    The artist/writer/colorist/letterer informed me “Dracula always transforms” and I didn’t consider myself an adequate authority on what Dracula always does to pursue the matter further.

    Dracula is a bit like Batman in that he has an extensive tortured wandering soul fanbase which any bozo with access to a black marker can tap some dollars out of with alarming ease. Dracula is better because, most importantly, nobody owns the copyright, and, as we see, you needn’t be bothered actually drawing Dracula to say that’s who it is. Similarly, you needn’t be bothered drawing a tree once in a while to place your story in a jungle. But more on that some other time, perhaps.

    All I know about Baba Yaga is that her house has chicken feet. Pictures at an Exhibition was too instrumental to be educational.

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