The comedy central channel keeps running promopes for its ROAFT of Lawrence Cable Gentleman. I thought I had a slanderous thing written about him that would be important to get in before a heavily advertised insult show, regardless of whether I intend to watch it (I don’t!), but it’s evidently pretty basic. If it was complete and had a point I suppose I would have put it here already.

People think Dan Whitney is insincere and phony not because he appears in movies, bad movies, as Larry The Cable Guy, but because he’s Larry The Cable Guy as whatever the character in the movie is. They just don’t realize it. It’s like when you have the cast of Tiny Toon Adventures AS the cast of Star Wars, or the cast of Muppet Babies AS the cast of Star Wars, or the unendurably enduring cast of The Simpson AS the cast of Star Wars AS the cast of Monopoly*. It just seems less than valid. The flanlike Family Guyites actually had a full length “movie” that was somehow for sale where they were the cast of Star Wars. And Larry’s not making fun of bad movies, either. He’s just making bad movies. I have to think this may lead to serious psychological problems, for him, if it hasn’t already. He must know the movies are bad, and maybe he thinks Well that wasn’t Dan Whitney in that movie. It was Larry the Cable Guy in that movie. He’s a stupid redneck, he doesn’t know a lousy script when he sees one.
*the unsettling corporate synergy of the Robot Chicken Star Wars Episode Part 2 eludes inclusion in this sentence due to not making use of a specific nonexistent “cast.”

Hey hey, LARRY is the sell out shilling for a product he is highly unlikely to receive longterm benefit from, not me. I don’t understand that [cable] guy sometimes. Of course he didn’t lose fifty pounds! He is a fictional character with a fictional weight! He is just my larrsona.

And if he did drop all the fat points, these non-typical results legally required to be presented as non-typical results were supported by an additional incentive of getting paid heaps of dollars to appear in the ad for the product. Us proles without personal trainers to keep us on the program and make sure we also eat
the fresh fruit, vegetables, salads and dairy items that aren’t pictured, without personal assistants to suddenly refuse to get us

chocolate skittles,


oreo cakesters and

assorted bagged snackmeats that we never developed the skills to get for ourselves, and without agents to get us jobs where we are paid to eat free food from ridiculous weight loss programs that require people to eat food from them don’t have a chance. Am I sincerely intended to believe that Mr. Guy took a picture of himself with no shirt on at the height of his width, then started using and paying for nutrisystem just because he felt like it, lost fifty pounds of weight because he’s one of life’s winners and then called the company and said he was famous? And that somebody took his call?

Oh, I see. I forgot that Chowder Pot III, my favorite least favorite local restaurant, now offers call ahead seating. I just hope a pot will be enough. You may want the Chowder Cauldron, Mr. Guy.

I already eat my own food! I’m not going to pay you dollars to let me continue doing that! My own food. Yes, I imagine obesity is rarely a concern among the section of the populace that sustains itself by stealing pies off of window sills. Haaa ehhh. I think these things only ever required people to buy special food so that at some point the requirement could be dropped and made to seem like a special privilege. Wow, ya mean it? I, an adult humanoid, get to eat food that I choose to eat? Sockamagee! Sounds good ta me! Stop Dieting, Start Living! Why didn’t I think a that? Thanks so much for unforbidding food, o magnificent watchers of weight! This seems more like a promotion for self awareness than an advertisement for something. Hey! Start watching your own weight, you fat pot a chowder! Stop blaming us for your problems just because you paid us to solve them!
I try not to insult overweight people as a group (really!). Fats are one of the precious remaining groups about whom cruel jokes are socially acceptable forms of discrimination, along with nerds, gays and hill folk. Which possibly explains how they’re so easy to get laughs with. However, it is my personal goal to make every task as difficult as possible for myself. I only hope this is as hard for you to read.
But! I eat many horrible things and owe my scale stability mainly to an overactive metabolic processing system. I expect one day soon it is just going to stop and i’ll look like a mancubus within a month.


And it only gets worse from there. You may be surprised to learn that there are worse things than living in hell and being regularly gunned down by little men in green suits and your co-residents. You could be so out of shape that you can’t lift your otherwise incredibly useful metal, handless arms to swat a dope off your head.


Do you get the impression I didn’t draw that with the expectation that I would be showing it to anyone? Or does the rest of this entry rule that out?