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Questionable artwork and pedantic miscellany
October 9, 2019
a nuanced side dish, a slow-cooked film that’s one of the most heartwarming of the young year

10-23-2019 is anybody still out there? no? I am going to get back to updating this anyway, but I was curious. I have only had things to say recently that transition into bitter related topics, and generally nobody else has a taste for those, nor should they, and those take a long time to write, besides. when I am slightly less paranoid about pressing deadlines, real and imagined, I can potentially write something that is angry in less of a sad way again.
i left that up for two weeks because anything in the running to replace it that I could have posted fast without saying something inflammatory would have been worse.

I wonder why they need new staff

This was in Guilford Connecticut. at first I thought this was too much and had to stop there to take a picture of the sign on my way back, and at that point it occurred to me that this is probably in fact a gag to get exposure and of course it got me to stop when i would not otherwise have.
Supporting the “gag” explanation, I have seen the exact same text highlighted as unintentional humor in the context of fast food restaurants several times in the past, but the improperly attached G at the end is throwing me off.

deliberately searching for the text showing up wendy’s repeatedly speaks even more to it being marketing disguised as incompetence.

I clearly remember very similar text appearing in a Burger King advertisement that was reproduced in National Lampoon’s True Facts: the book, published circa 1995, and it looked like its initial publication greatly predated that of the book. And at a later point somebody sent it to Jay Leno for his Headlines sketch under the pretext that they had found it in the wild themselves rather than in a book that was specifically showcasing inadvertent silliness correctly assuming that tonight show staff would not know or care. On another occasion Jay read aloud some ridiculous Dan Quayle quotes that were in fact deliberately ridiculous fake ones printed in Mad Magazine a decade prior to then. However, the “now hiring” is new and I have only seen it in the context of wendy’s signs, and never on wendy’s signs without that part so I must conclude that it is intentional.

I would have believed these were fabricated images made by a “meme generator” that allows people to easily customize fake sign text had I not encountered one in person. indeed the middle sign on my montage heap I was unable to find without additional obnoxious no-joke-is-too-obvious meme text slathered over it which is why it is cropped so strangely.
the incorrect G on the guilford sign indicates somebody was following orders and poorly rather than executing their own idea. Or maybe the latest order is to screw up at least one letter since meme generators usually do not supply incorrect letters.

however, on another occasion in 2014 somebody, perhaps the samebody, mistook a dollar sign for an S. Or perhaps the letter box only comes with two Ses. Or perhaps this means to subtly mock the Michael Jackson estate that in 2014 still owned the rights to the Beatles song catalog and could demand royalties on mere usages of the terminology “strawberry fields” even though there is no reason this would be called that if not for the Beatles song continuing to be considered part of public consciousness. The secret ingredient message also only includes two Ses so that may be more probable.

I still prefer the enticing mystery of “FISH IS BACK” (which also only includes 2 of S) Where had fish gone? Why is it back? Did it succeed on its mission? Does it intend to make us miserable since it failed?

according to legend, outside the north haven wendy’s i witnessed a sign advertising their Frosty product but had spelled it as “fpofty,” which had such an effect on me that someone I knewish online nicknamed fr0sty I had taken to calling fp0fty but I never told him that. I spent longer than was reasonable last week trying to find that picture but couldn’t which may have contributed to the frustration inherent in that last mess I posted. I only turned up a shot of the same location’s sign from a later point by which time they had found the R but lost the F while they set about advertising jalapeno presco chicken.

Wendy’s seems to occupy quite a bit of space in my mind considering I don’t ever go there. Not just because I haven’t forgiven them for replacing Roy Rogers in Connecticut (though I haven’t), also because the price of their food has doubled in fifteen years so its only real appeal is being less shoddy than the relatively still cheap McDonaldses in towns like these that lack Burger Kings, and presumably that setup suits them both.

Somebody on the deviantart website has already conceived of the public representative of that collusion without realizing it.
flurk I was in Liverpool England for ONE day in June and saw about three burger kings, and that is not a nation that takes kindly to additional claimants to the throne.
Incidootily, Taco Bell now longer has cheap in its corner either. For a while it was possibly to find combination Taco Bell/Kentucky Fried Chicken stores, but all I know of eventually dumped kfc, and I presumed that was because you could get a taco for 89 cents but the cheapest single item of chicken was three dollars. However, on my most recent occasion 9 tacos cost me about $17, the same as an 8-piece bucket of chicken, that would take me twice as long to eat, be much less complicated to order and whose contents it would not be necessary to thoroughly confirm the accuracy of before I leave the establishment. But there isn’t either of those in guilford so the topic does not usually come up.

in fact there is a magical barrier along interstate highway 91 and a weaker one across i395 further east that keeps kentucky fried chicken out of any place that I would feel like driving to under ordinary circumstances. The i395 one is weaker because the eastern half of connecticut is a miserable clam chowder framed picture of boats magazines about lighthouses white baseball hat wealthy boron retirement community that I stay away from anyway.

is this funny to you, wendel?

July 17, 2019
i put a spider on her shoulder. oh yuck. OOOH!

Star Wars chicken nuggets. Why not call them womprat or tauntaun nuggets with “chicken” in small print beneath to at least make some pitiful attempt at justifying this latest needless dilution of the already plenty diluted star wars brand? (Gosh even star wars the food brand is diluted.) Because star wars is now “family friendly” and it would be evil to consume space animals? Is it just easier to depend on existing cognitive dissonance as to where meat comes from?

I realize that there was a dork dealing “death sticks” in the clone attack film long before disney became involved, and that star-wars themed unhealthy food is nothing new,

but EVERYTHING in the prequel movies is stupid, and there is something campy and [to me] endearing about the likes of

c3p-Os. At that point Star Wars was still fun and George Lucas’s head was not totally up his own rancor pit. But even when Lucas was writing the movies like bad webcomics there was some purity to them and I think it was understood that they could not go on forever. Star Wars isn’t fun now. It is “iconic” now. It is like mickey mouse essentially. The emphasis is more on protecting its legacy and pleasing committees than it has ever been.

I also cannot help noticing that while r2d2 still adorns products that no celebrity likeness has been procured for, the silly and awkward c3po has been excised in favor of the small and efficient robot bb8, which serves approximately the same function as r2d2 in this context and provides no contrast. That isn’t fun, either. And likewise there is nothing fun about these nuggets. They are just anti-biotic-free 100% white meat star wars nuggets. Of course nuggets are meant to be inherently fun regardless of branding and i know from experience that unusually-shaped nuggets can be horrifying, but this is pointless, wasted branding.

I am referring specifically to the rugrats-shaped nuggets that i mentioned in this very old post. I seem to have neglected at that time to indicate that I was legitimately afraid of these nuggets. I might have remembered had I access to a picture of them but this video was not on yute-oob until four years later and I sure never saw the ad on television; elsewise I might have been prepared for them to show up. As a fiveteen-year-old i thought I was too smart to watch the cartoons this advertisement would have aired amidst even though I spent hours in AOL chat-rooms, hoarded midis out of Doom wads and all I ate was chicken tenders. (and coke)
My father just went to Burger King and among what was procured for anybody else, ordered me chicken tenders like usual because that was all I would eat because I was a horrible child and instead of safe, innocuous mutilated bird flesh, they were these indescribable THINGS. And there was no warning; nobody shows the contents of the box to you before they drop that into the bag. The video indicates that regular chicken tenders were still available somewhere but the Burger King in Branford Connecticut sure didn’t have them, just as they didn’t have the regular tenders when the shapes inexplicably became dinosaurs a few years prior. But those I probably could tell were dinosaurs. These were just scary, whatever they were. The rugrats are already sort of scary when drawn properly. When you have their crude shapes yet further crudely simplified and filled in with a vague orange bready texture, they are yet more so and I want nothing to do with them. This put me off eating meat like no undercover video of factory farm conditions ever could. I still ate them, of course; I don’t waste food, especially fried chicken. But I sure had to not look at them. I may even have shredded them into yet smaller pieces so they did not FEEL like those shapes. The argument can be made that star wars nuggets opted to use bb8 instead of c3po because it makes for a less frightening nugget silhouette but I am opposed to creative nugget shaping in general.

Oddly enough rugrats also increase in scariness when rendered with increased detail.

i only took note of these statues when i was leaving the Pleasure Beach amusement park in Blackpool a weekish ago, so have only this one picture of them, but what the heap is wrong with the one on the left? It looks as if worm-like parasites are boring into its skull. I didn’t have to think about that, it was my initial, only impression. It makes me itch to consider. Fortunate I was that I did not have any nuggets on hand for my dining experience to be ruined with. I don’t know how you WOULD render sparse hair on such a construction but I am certain better alternatives could have been found if any had been sought. There is definitely something wrong if i get annoyed with that before I even notice the needless buttockal detail on the fairly detail-sparse dog to the right. But I still noticed and now have drewn attention to it so I will see if I can find another picture of c3po to distract myself from that.

I feel rather let down by Dark C3po.

April 24, 2019
In 2001, Meat Loaf changed his first name from Marvin to Michael.[63][64]

the largest component of my easter dinner — what IS this thing? Stop and Shop was still on strike and apparently this was the only size of ham remaining at the Big Y store. as in “Y is this legal?” It looks like something Asterix would eat. It looks like something Simon Belmont would find hidden inside a wall (on a plate). This might be the Roast Beast that they eat in Who-Ville. This looks like something Link would use to finish getting through Level 7. I cannot verify that every bone in this corresponds to an actual body part. This looks like what Daeneris eats to prove she is worthy to become khaleesi. This looks like the leader of Red Falcon. This looks like symbolism from Lord of the Flies that I did not pick up on while reading the book and was unable to summarize during my worst high school class. This looks like

I invite science to try and replace this with laboratory grown materials; Whatever this came from must have suffered both in life and in death. I had no idea how to cut it and none of the web pages purporting to demonstrate how to do so actually did so or even used an identifiably similar meat object if they showed anything.

Look at this it turns into Big League Chew when I put a fork in it. What IS this?
(it was pretty good)

March 27, 2018
Almost immediately, the logistical issues of a single-puppet, multi-camera sitcom began to present themselves

a comment from just over two weeks ago:

I think that is awfully presumptuous of you, but I suppose you know you better than I do.

I didn’t need proof that March Madness is as boring as any other start and stop start and stop 3 hour regulation-choked sponsor-stricken modern sport exhibition, but the fact that these red and white lumps of rubber are more exciting by a considerable margin was nonetheless revealed to me. Oh yes and there are shoes, also.

There is a video for it. I have not watched the video. I do not want to know more about it. I do not have room in my brain to accommodate all the other ways this and its marketing is screwed up.
Anybody who uses the phrase “pause live tv” is already beyond reason, and is testing to see if you also are. Once you PAUSE a broadcast, it is no longer live. I thought that was obvious but I have heard it used in sales pitches for years. Maybe it is still CLOSE to live if you de-pause within a certain period but the fact of the matter is that words are supposed to have meanings, and when somebody trying to sell you a product can alter those meanings and not get called out on it, they know they are free to insult your intelligence in other ways. Just like the Disney corporation can literally non-euphemistically state that its theme parks are made out of magic. Hence shoes that order pizza.

i cannot imagine a scenario in which it is easier to press a button on a shoe than just about any other object in your house. Nor can I conceive of any occasion in which i would wear a shoe which looked like that or would eat a Pizza Hut brand pizza, much less pay for the privilege of wearing that shoe and not being able to order another kind of pizza with it and all but assuring I get myself permanently placed on every twit-targeted marketing mailing list for the rest of my life. The amount of laziness necessary for this to make sense is at odds with the sort of person who wears shoes indoors. When will they come out with an ugly black t-shirt that orders pizza? A long time ago my father wore shoes indoors. They were not sneaker shoes, much less bright red ones, and he did not eat pizza. And if he ate pizza it wouldn’t be this pizza. And he already had a biological handicap against being able to identify an edible pizza on account of being English.

But consider that this is made for people who already pay whatever cable companies tell them to for dumb exclusive sport packages and whatever Best Buy tells to them for whatever latest imperceptible buzzword type of “hi def” that came out this week –that no programming actually broadcasts in EXCEPT the sports that collude with tv companies to insist is necessary and ensure is economically viable to put into production– but think they need to save money by purchasing/ pledging their lives to cut rate pizza. This is for slobs who think they haven’t done enough to lower other peoples’ opinion of them. As much as i personally like the idea of dressing like Ronald McDonald and eating a competitor’s product, I don’t see pizza hut offering the yellow jump suit.

Yikes I remember when this kind of shoe was implied to be crucial for athletic performance. Now that playing video games is considered athletic competition, companies are looking for ways to market exclusive designer slobwear. Not that eating pizza, even a good one, is conducive to operating a control device with both hands, but maybe next year there will be a shoe with a button that tells your live-in nurse to shove a slice of pizza in your mouth. And then the next year there will be a shoe with a button that pumps power diarrhea directly into your toilet.
I stole that from an old Late Night With Conan O’Brien “in the year 2000” line but it is fine since that one was about Taco Bell.

the article does say that only 50 sets of shoes are being made and no price is set, which means this is not a product realistically marketed at consumers. This is something for human-shaped sewage golems like Jared Fogle and Martin Shkreli to buy before they get sent to prison. This is something used to get Pizza Hut and NCAA free publicity in the form of “tech” websites reporting on the moronic audacity of it but pretending they are neutral by not saying so, thereby indicating approval of the system from whence it came. This article is literally an advertisement for multinational corporations just in and of themselves, openly admitting in the first line that it is a “publicity stunt,” and also that this is not the first time this specific publicity stunt was stunted, and it is disgusting that any website will accept money to cover it, and probably even worse if they do it for free.

oh oh yes we geeks are so wonderfully weird in the way we get total garbage marketed at us and then we buy it and tell other people to buy it because we’re so quirky and new and not mainstream in our utter empty spineless ventriloquist dummy normalcy. I don’t know how you can have “opinionated apple buying guide”s in the plural because you can accomplish that in one word: “don’t.” If you call yourself a “geek” and your only gripe about this shoe story is that it implies you watch sports then congratulations, I am sure life is very comfortable for you apart from that because The Matrix is real and really lame.

our basic homo sapien dignity isn’t a product, right?

In the end it doesn’t matter if you think pizza shoes are stupid or a good idea unless you can afford them. On a grander scale it doesn’t matter if you think ANYTHING is stupid if you can’t afford these stupid hideous foot-cocoons to honor orange slop on a disk of glue. And the megabillion dollar college sport associations that don’t pay any of their players want you to remember that, and that is why we will go extinct ages before the earth crashes into the sun. No price is too high to flaunt your ability to pay any price for objects of no worth.

June 7, 2017
Partners in Piracy. Rivals in Romance. Allies in Adventure.

This identity-concealing criminal who escaped from a 19th century chain gang wants ME to be safe and obey the rules?
Steal all the hamburgers you want from the corporate clown who’s the only person keeping you out of jail but don’t you dare jump in the ball pit. Of note is that this guy is actually over the limit , and would have to violate the law to enforce it

This is literally visible from the same point as the rule chart. He is kidnapping eyewitnesses and eating them. What a monster!

Is this amusing you, Ronald? Why are you protecting this scoundrel, and letting him “run” your playplace? What dirt does he have on you? What is this a front for?

October 31, 2016
I use the dna in your stool to check for colon cancer

You know what would really hit The Spot this night? Some chunks. Boil me up a big bowl of chunks and I’m a happy camper. Or should I say chunker? I believe I shall. And why stop at dinner? Who is to say you can’t pack a satchel of chunks each day and have em for lunch? That’s assuming you aren’t like me and generally chunk-drunk by noon most days. And well gollybollywood they’re already frozen, put little sticks in them and have yourself a handy grandy chunky desert. Benjamin and his esteemed colleague Gerald are not the only ones with claim to the chunk name where frozen confectionery are concerned.
Do not try and unload on me any of what you call “nuggets,” “strips” or “fingers.” Those are childish, perhaps barbaric names for unaffiliated fragments of meat. These aren’t your average every day chunks scraped off the road, these are premium chunks scraped off a stain glass window. We grilled these esteemed distinguished chunks before we dumped them in a sack and froze em.

And florian helmberger do they taste big! These were guaranteed to cause synesthesia in laboratory animals. Now they can taste size, see sound, smell your deepest secrets and feel like wet stringy rubber in your mouth. Good night and good chunks.

April 16, 2016
it’s time for the good times, forget about the bad times

It has not been my experience that bouncing and unlimited pizza are a harmonious combination.

I am concerned that this event may have forged its Pizza Night credentials.


This is what happens when our most prestigious stereotype pizza chefs cut corners on the pizza night approval process so they can go out and endorse bottle openers . This one has two functions, and I am fairly certain neither of those is being a pizza. I honestly don’t see why this man is so proud of himself. Hubris shall be his downfall. I wonder if he would even know a pizza if he saw one.


I can see I am going to enjoy pizza today as much as you enjoyed graphic design class. But with no competent chefs on the premises, I wonder where this came from.

I do not want to eat any baked good you found rummaging through springs. Especially the springs of bouncing material used by aficionados of unlimited pziza.

However, I am interested in the load of dirt advertised on the lower left. I plan to use it to cover and catch the sun now that it is weakened, and then I will carry it home in the cart.

October 17, 2015
fiddlesticks. what can you do in the air but fly at particular speeds.

This is beside the point, but I was certain I put this on a page years ago, since it is important to me, but I could not find it, even though I posted a different complaint on the topic after realizing it:
At the conclusion of the Disney Aladdin animated feature film, the short fat nameless man rhetorically asks “am I sultan or am I sultan?” In fact, he may be unsure because he isn’t sultan: Jaffar is the sultan. Jafar used the Genie’s power to become so earlier. Nobody ever unwished Jaffar from being sultan. Likewise, Aladdin is really a prince.

Even lurking creepily

and without fingernails, he is a prince, and therefore outranks the jobless dwarf who formerly was sultan, and does not need any rule changed, nor to wish to be made a prince again. The inbreeding that led to his nailless fingers suggests legitimate royal ancestry, besides. And ironically, Aladdin no longer needs to be a prince to marry Jasmine anyway since her way-too-old-to-have-a-teenage-daughter-father is no longer sultan. The genie is just trying to con Aladdin into making a non-wish to make up for the earlier free wish he accidentally granted, because the rules are all in his mind and he cannot mentally handle an inaccurate wish-count, but he can’t admit it because nobody believes he REALLY suffers that badly and could easily stop if he wanted to, and would even point to the earlier event as “proof.” Judgemental privileged non-immortal scumbags.

We never find out the blue genie’s name, either. After Jaffar wishes to be a genie, he continues to be known as Jafar. Unless the blue one was actually named “Genie” prior to becoming one, this doesn’t make sense, and it is rather dehumanizing for the people around him to continue referring to him exclusively as his race. It is like my father watching dumb vote-off shows and referring to the deeds of “the black guy.” Perhaps the genie forgot his old name after “ten thousand years.” But not the weird rules he made up that no other being has the power to hold him to. And after being freed, he legally no longer is a genie, since Jafar, merely through wishing to be a genie, was automatically imprisoned. Prisoner status is inextricably tied to genie status. A freed genie is a geNO. One can still grant wishes, but only if you wish for pizza rolls.

Thankfully, you don’t have to wish for indigestion!

April 29, 2015
synchronized swimming at its most deadly

I wish “breakfast just got sexier” was the stupidest thing I ever heard in a Dunkin Donuts advertisement, but it is hard to beat “artisan bagel.” Or “doing things is what we like to do.”

on the topic of doughnuts, with cookie dough and brownie batter around, why are you making doughnuts? It seems like you are half way to making two better things.

Just because these are limited edition doughnuts does NOT mean we are running out of doughnuts!

Also, my spellchecking mechanism recognizes donuts but not doughnuts.

The advertisement was audible again while I was writing this, because I am not allowed to write without voices coming at me incessantly, and apparently the announcer is saying “breakfast just got zestier.”

Which means they are chopping up little bits of zest brand soap into the Ore Ida tater tots they call hash browns, trying to outdo Taco Bell’s Dorito taco. In which event I still will not eat it but will be just as perturbed and curious.
An alternate, more common interpretation of “zestier” is as a code word for “we got more salt in there.” I am impressed it was possible but am otherwise uninterested. Even though the product features guacamole made with REAL avacadoes! Because I am supposed to be impressed that a company which has earned trillions of dollars selling food made food properly. Don’t you people who have been eating the fake stuff feel silly now! No, that is probably not something that you feel. Soon the Apple company will be boasting that if you order an ipad the box won’t be full of strawberry jam.

The fact that, even as a eunuch, I heard “sexier” and found it only mildly surprising for our current state of advertising suggests that a sexier breakfast may not in fact be far off.

I mean, assuming that is possible. We might not even need to get an artist to draw big eyelashes and high heeled shoes on this munchstrosity.

Now you are just being gross.

April 7, 2015
Orson is a greenish-gray intellectual Ghost who has reformed and is now an ally of Pac-Man.

“You don’t just eat ’em” is the trademarked slogan for pringles brand potato crisps. What does that mean? I thought eating them was the extent of my obligation if I came into possession of them, but apparently that is inadequate. And like many rules of society, the further expectation is not explained. What else should I be doing with these not-quite chips? Is the moronic “duck mouth,” which dominated the brands’ 1990s advertising, and which nobody should ever, ever do, now compulsory? Am I supposed to build something out of pringles? Is Kellogg, who purchased the brand from the Proctor and Gamble company in 2012, with its greater investment in remotely nutritional products, looking to instruct me on the full function of my digestive system? You don’t just eat em, you digest and excrete em.

And yet the ambiguous grammar of conversational english makes it difficult to determine if this is instruction or merely information. Sometimes an orator says “don’t” when one means “shouldn’t.” This may mean you SHOULD not merely eat Pringles. Be a responsible citizen; recycle the can afterward. Make a a kaleidoscope or store your travel toilet brush in it. Keep one as a blank round for a t-shirt gun and another as a marital aid for any medium-sized ungulate you are keeping (whose marriage is in need of aid, obviously; I would be practical, not lewd). Or perhaps this means that you should not eat Pringles without adequate preparation. Don’t just eat ’em, consider the risks. Ask your doctor if Pringles are right for you. The Pringles virus may already be inside you.

I have been out of the pringle game a long time, so this catchphrase, arriving in my presence without the context of a greater advertising campaign, has me somewhat bewildered. I stopped buying them when the company stopped putting fake little green things on the sour cream and onion chips like every other company does. Not that, in my experience, pieces of real native onions are ever green, you, the producer, have cultivated me as an american consumer to expect certain things without considering if they link up with reality, especially with regard to the color of things I put in my mouth. Grape is purple. Dew is green. Cheese is orange. Sour Cream and Onion chips have little green things on them. If you suddenly change a color or remove a component that contains a color, I need to know why. Otherwise I start wondering what those green things are or why I would eat “sour cream and onion” ANYTHING. I will not consume actual sour cream. I always make sure it is not in my burritos. It is essentially the Mexicish equivalent of mayonnaise for joints that never kept up on their trendy fees enough to have been issued chipotle mayonnaise. Disgusting white goop needs to be in all prepared food. They invent new names to make it harder for me to ask to not have it.

Now “aioli” is the unexplained mystery ingredient but I am not fooled! I would not even eat Aioli pringles.

Nobody I know has a website anymore

Mr. Sr. Mxy
Gilhodes (bah you need a facebook account to see)
video game music database
pacific novelty
Green Lantern Head Trauma

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    old webpages
    Mall Meh...ness
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    irrational complaining about my television set
    Dennises are dead to me
    This page is not about shoes.
    I hate shoes.
    something award related
    Those Green Eyes again
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    Biggest Loser
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    Back fashion school to
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    Awards this website hasn't won
    The first First Beet segment
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    Embarrassing pictures 2
    The same
    Umiliphus (my old derivative megamen sprite comic
    11/24/04, (I can only justify this by calling it an experiment, so I shall)
    Poetry Page
    The same