April 20, 2009

Am I supposed to dig a hole?

I always wanted to make my own brackets. I am so ill of using the prefabricated brackets between the P and \. I want my brackets to say something about ME! And I let it now be known that the best candy is not any of these things, but BUCK CHOC.



Note to fans of non-conventional marketing: eating BUCK CHOC every day will not help you become a Latin Heart-Throb. You’re more likely to resemble the fat green anthropomorph’d M&M. Supposedly the name is actually “Two Buck Choc” and is a reference to something, but I never considered the “$2” part of the title. I just thought it was a suggested retail price, always a touch of classiness to have irrevocably printed on the label. I didn’t even think it was a “real” brand, I thought it was just dollar store chocolate that walgreens brought in to fill space after it was determined “too” fancy to sell at the usual price but Christmas Tree Shop(s) wasn’t looking to expand into confectionery. And beside that, if read as it appears, the name is Two Dollar Buck Choc, which is about as eloquent as it is appetizing, dubious creepy model notwithstanding.

I am not of the opinion that we need kid friendly “cute” mucous characters. Although I don’t particularly find that one cute, and with such being the case I can not conceive of a reason for it to exist. It’s a dirty, ill-proportioned, unfashionable Shwreck McNugget, essentially. Unless you can guarantee me that actual shreks were slaughtered to produce such things I cannot endorse being friendly to them.

Now this creature, on the other hand and let me start again.

Now this creature, however… is just as bad. This is not an ideal mascot for teaching technique and coordination, as for to to hold any object would require pressing objects or its own “fingers” against its facial features, and that would just be uncomfortable, for both of us.

I consider that worse than the hamburger helper glove-shape-being because at no point when I saw it did I ever come up with a logical or hamburger-helping reason why it should be shaped like a glove. It just was, and was there. I never associated it with the act of grabbing, with being used as protection for an actual hand. It doesn’t have enough fingers, for one thing (that one thing being the estranged finger). The Arby’s oven mitt is similarly a matter of minimal concern because everybody hated it. My hate is fueled by love.


WAAAAGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

I should post something new on Sunday. Even if I don’t do that it won’t change that I should have.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

I imagine a game show titled “lowest bidder” in which only the player with the least amount of “dollars” at the end gets to keep them. I imagine this being horrible and painful to watch, yet incredibly popular.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

I cough up a lot of mucus. I do not know why. I recently forced a particularly brutal cough and it was similar to the feeling one gets right after vomiting; a bit unpleasant yet incredibly relieving that the act is done. I have not vomited in years. I felt a brief bit of nostalgia. Something seems incredibly wrong with that.



5 Responses
  1. 1
    9:00 pm, April 20, 2009
    Pigbuster sez:

    When I first saw the picture of BUCK CHOC, the first thing to come to my mind was “The first chocolate bar made for REAL MEN”. I think it was a combination of the vaguely testosterony word “buck” and the slogan, which seems to indicate that the chocolate is so heavy that men can exercise while they snack, or, “exersnack”. I must admit I was a little disappointed after realizing this was not the case.

    Sir Helper of Hamburger must have a deep-set animosity towards left-handed people, given his also deep-set revulsion of being forced to plow his face into the hot containers of the very hamburger he helped. This is assuming HH is microwaved, which I honestly don’t know is true, nor do I know if I should be proud or ashamed about this.

  2. 2
    6:25 am, April 21, 2009
    A dead folk sez:

    I find it particularly interesting that hands can apparently not only wear gloves and hats, but also shoes, above all for the implied feets such garments bring along with them.

  3. 3
    9:42 pm, April 21, 2009
    Lemphlyn sez:

    Pibby:
    The Mars company advertised its eponymous bar as a health food in Europe for much of the previous century (if Wikipedia isn’t telling stories today), so I would not be at all surprised if Buck eventually took your suggestion.

    I have always had hamburger helped in a skillet*-like cooking apparatus. I was initially outraged when I learned of the microwave heatable version. Yet I don’t think I have ever used an oven mitten to handle “food” from either of those sources, so the creature’s shape is additionally baffling.

    *I think “skillet” must be nonstandard terminology as the google image searcher has far more pictures of some Jesus-themed music band I’ve never heard of labeled as “skillet” than actual skillets.

    Folk:
    I gave priority to the hat above the shoes because there simply is no sensible way for it to be there, regardless of a sensible reason that it ought to be there. It is floating, unnaturally affixed to the fingers, or occupying the same space as them.
    Or maybe I’m just too used to lazy character designers drawing limbs shooting off from inanimate objects whenever and wherever it suits them. Even when these objects are themselves typically found at the end of limbs. I do not know what can account for these hands lacking their own hands other than additional laziness beyond the standard. I’ve certainly seen anthropomorphic teeth with their own teeth.

  4. 4
    6:20 am, April 23, 2009
    A holder of unpopular opinions sez:

    Feces roxx!

  5. 5
    2:44 am, April 27, 2009
    Lemphlyn sez:

    That sounds painful.

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