November 11, 2011

Have you wondered what I have been up to lately that has consumed so much of my time? No? Good, because it isn’t this.



What does non-historical, non-Italian, possibly Hawaiian monarch King Arthur know about pizzas? You’d be surprised how little. For one thing he evidently cannot name a single meat. He seems to have heard reports of Pepperoni but is not confident enough that it’s real to put it in full size print. There was more consensus in his time on the existence of Wombo, a horrific beast that menaced the countryside by giving birth at inopportune times. The menu, alas, stops short of specifying which byproduct of this ends up on the pizza.

I wonder what the king is doing tonight. Not pondering the culinary arts, that much is certain.


The pizza wasn’t bad, but it seemed a bit like a frozen pizza that somebody had heated up. I could have done it in my own home if I wasn’t on a totally ill-advised trip to California that I thankfully only regret based on my primary reason for going, which had eerily little to do with this pizza and that ultimately mattered less than it could have. I never forget a pizza, though. Yet I was nicely received by the folks whose home this occurred in, and I can’t remember if they insisted on paying for the pizza or not, so I’ll just say they did and that it was very kind of them, especially considering that I overestimated my ability to consume foreign pizzas in single attempts and left the remains for them to ponder. With that in mind I decline to comment on their bottled pancakes at this time.

Congratulations, you’ve equated the name of your company and all the products it makes with excrement. Blessed excrement, perhaps but still nothing that I want to take a bite out of.

When you can’t even legally type “hot dogs” without having to swap in a Z something has gone beyond wrong and two warnings may not be enough. I’m pretty sure the only legal minimum food content in a hot dog is anything that can be dyed pink without rupturing. It’s not like they’re Wyngz, after all; hot dogs are supposed to have offal in them. What’s in these? Just plain awful? Rather a devious strategy, putting this by a gas pump to make the fuel seem appetizing by comparison so that I feel more inclined to consume that more expensive product.

Ah yes, the famous wyngz. So called because they aren’t actually wings. Just some matter comprised of similar matter formed into a similar shape. Although by that reasoning several of the products observed today may be appropriately labelled pyzza. This rule seems to be applied inconsistently, however:

These don’t have meat in them at all and don’t even look like conventional wing-shaped meat pieces, yet avoided having their vowel revoked.


and these aren’t even breaded. How can I be sure putting them in my mouth will make me sick? At least the price is great. What’s more it would be great whatever numbers I attached to the sign. But this is beside the beside the point. What, if wings be out, is a more natural thing to pair with a pizza, still in its box?

Pizza and cookies! Wha? don’t you mean cookyez? (cookno) This doesn’t go far enough; we need to put cookies on the pizza. They already look more like pepperoni than the little cubes less elite bad frozen pizza brands use and there’s probably more organic matter inside them. Also, wouldn’t it better highlight the longevity of frozen food to print OLD! on the label? Yes, it would. How dare you question me. I shan’t forget.


It makes sense that they would team up: cookies get a formidable ally to protect them from horrifying anthropomorph insect aliens who fire head-sized phlegm projectiles and pizza gets something it can spell properly. It’s wyn-wyn.



12 Responses
  1. 1
    10:48 am, November 11, 2011

    PurpleSpace sez:

    I would steer clear of those frozen pizzas in the frozen food section as they tend to contain more cardboard packaging than pizza in order to fill the comparably larger box in which the “pizza” is contained.

  2. 2
    5:05 pm, November 11, 2011

    Mxy sez:

    A cookie is just an ossified pizza reduced.

  3. 3
    2:12 pm, November 12, 2011

    Uvprimlurx sez:

    Purplespace
    I’ve seen “by the slice” packages that don’t even give you a whole little pizza! It’s like those 100 calorie cookie packages, for I supposedly am so helpless that I can’t not eat everything unless the distributor gives me less in the same size box and charges me the same. I wasn’t getting a full boxes’ worth anyway, considering that they are square and the pizzas aren’t. Yet these pizzas are probably made by robots who would prefer the mathematical precision and increased efficiency of a square. But they have to work harder, shaping it into a circle to fool me. So the pizza is yet more like the wyngs. What’s the world coming to when I can’t expect honesty from magically preserved food that never ages?

    Mxy
    That sounds like math! Are you suggesting that we can’t put cookies on pizza because that would be the same as putting pizza on pizza? I assure you, if that can be done an American will it.

  4. 4
    7:30 pm, November 12, 2011

    Mxy sez:

    A pizza can’t occupy the same space as another pizza. That goes against all laws of physics and cuisine.

  5. 5
    8:33 pm, November 12, 2011

    Uvprimlurx sez:

    I think it clear that DiGiorno operates above the law. It may secretly be Steven Seagal.

  6. 6
    2:31 pm, November 13, 2011

    PurpleSpace sez:

    I am pretty sure I saw a picture where someone used mini-bagel-sized pizzas as a topping for a much larger pizza.

    Square pizza would undoubtedly be like the pizza-like edible food substance served at my highschool cafeteria, which was inferior to the bbq-chiken-patty-on-bun with mixed-potato-paste and water-soluble gravy.

  7. 7
    11:40 pm, November 13, 2011

    Jumbi sez:

    That is the first time I’ve seen Wombo Combo used outside of Super Smash Bros.!
    However, I can assure you about the Morning-star wings. They’re the ones made of tofu, yes? They’re fricking delicious. I highly recommend them. If we’re going to be honest here.

  8. 8
    12:10 am, November 14, 2011

    Uvprimlurx sez:

    Purplespace:
    There are some good square pizzas! But they are an exception. However, I have yet to encounter an exception suggesting that round pizzas cut into square pieces are ever not awful.

    Jumbi:
    If I showed the whole picture it would be clear that the soy wing box was both in my apartment and empty! However, the room is a mess (moreso now than then, even), and the non-meat disclaimer is yet less readable that way. I believe these are made from soy, although some brands use mushroom-based ingredients.

    I fully support non-meat objects which serve the same purpose! It can taste like the real stuff with totally natural ingredients, and a lot of our real meat is in fact reflavored after its many processing stages anyway. I had written something in regard to that in a digression on a non-pizza topic which was not feasible to include this time, alas, thankfully.

    I did type “wombo combo” into google, and every result was video game fight related unless I specified “pizza,” but lacked personal insight on the topic and successfully prevented myself from acquiring any on this occasion.

  9. 9
    5:53 pm, November 16, 2011

    don't pizza me off sez:

    About 40 years ago, the observation my great-grandfather made upon the first time he ever witnessed a pizza was “that would make a good sandwich filling” and proceeded to put it in a baguette.

    Also, the Auntie who we hate pronounces pizza ‘pits-er’.

    Tomorrow I attempt to make my first pizza. With the knowledge of the pizza-y curse on my bloodline I have employed the help of a team of paramedics and an exorcist. I just hope I have got enough Starbursts.

  10. 10
    1:34 am, November 19, 2011

    The Pizza Kids sez:

    We like pits-er in duh evening.

  11. 11
    3:32 pm, November 20, 2011

    pizza'd off sez:

    I don’t like you!

  12. 12
    3:40 pm, November 20, 2011

    super pizza bros sez:

    We would think less of you if you did!

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