October 13, 2007

25 tv commercial classics: am I the only person who thinks this is totally disgusting? Or am I just the only person who knows this exists? Should I just say nothing?

While it’s nice to hear, at last, unedited proper versions of the music that can’t help get raped by scoundrels due to being copyright free and scoundrels loving to rape, you should never listen to music BECAUSE it’s advertised products. No, you should listen to music because a passing online acquaintance of yours says “Buy this album. (period) Now.”

And nine of these are [Excerpt] so you’re still only hearing what they want you to hear. Yes, a lot of classical music is boring, but I know quite factually that Jupiter of The Planets (and Capt’ain Eli fame) is great for the whole seven minutes and to only listen to the middle is reprehensible. You’re just supposed to put this on, close your eyes and imagine never ending hideous voice overs, bowl haircut children, crystal-meth’ apron ladies, cars going nowhere, words floating in space, numbers that end in .99 and on and on. I’m lucky there’s no chance of a company building brand loyalty through selling do-it-yourself-hanging kits and thus no one selling them because I’d buy one.

It makes me mad. Some goofs want me to pay them money for music they got for free and then took stuff out of. You might as well pay someone to eat the sprinkles off your ice cream, after you specifically asked for sprinkles. Or rather, you asked for shots but they’re really sprinkles.

The orchestra has to be payed, right? Yes, and those are usually much larger than the usual group of scoundrels who make the tunes I can’t escape from, ehhhh, but no one orchestra member has the legal business cloutzenrupen of a contemporary moaning skank so I’m sure it comes out much cheaper. I bet most of the recordings are decades old anyway, so probably no one is getting paid. Ideally, that includes the people who sell this CD.

I found this searching for “aaron copland commercial,” –I’m actually a bit surprised this came up at all because as you can see by that track listing fragment it credits conductors but no composers– because all the music I’ve heard by him that sounds like anything makes me think of products, and so I sought existing commentary on the subject. And while some people mention it, they don’t seem all that bothered by it. They just acknowledge it and move on. Blogging scum. It’s always hey! Look at this! You! Watch this video! Queegysproggit, read these song lyrics! Comment my pics! Ration my rum! Change my diaper! Grease my knees and fleece my bees! I found my missing piece! Digg and fave it! Is it my job? They need to stop trying to make me angry at them and let me be angry at ads.

All these ads. Stupid ads that haven’t been on in years. I can’t always even remember what they were selling. All I remember is my rage. Yet despite all my rage I am still incapable of taking action to improve the situation. The world is a blood-sucking organism. This album’s so disgusting, it encourages use of the phrase “since sliced bread” which is only relevant as far as the irrelevant picture of bread, totally meaningless and only exists at all because dumb people have been saying it for no reason for years without realizing it’s ludicrous, just as they’ve been tolerating dumb ads and music abuse.

This reminds me, I’m sick of people trying to trick me into thinking ads are music videos by putting those stupid 1980s MTV squares of white letters in the lower left corners. I’m not fooled! If you really want me to pay attention, try black letters in the upper right corner. That’d shake things up, by Shakur. They’d never try lower right, because that’s where the never ending network logo goes and so the moment I didn’t see it obstructing what I was trying to read I’d know it wasn’t a real music video. Even though I already know it isn’t. Because the song was only thirty seconds and I was watching Jake and the Fat Man.



Ordinarily I would discourage further copying and usage of the most prolific image of something which can be found on the internet, but this is the best I’ve found to exhibit that the show is called Jake and the Fat Man, that there is a fat man, and that he is very fat man. If it depicted just Jake I wouldn’t bother. This image makes clear that while the fat man gets secondary billing, he is as more important than Jake as he and his name are fat, so much so that he needn’t even be given a proper name. He’s just a fat fat man.

Ehhh!

I’m also maddened by the popular parts of pomp+circumstance. (Me complain about before!) and Blue Danube. Put stupid Here Comes Johnny Woff forra Waf and Eye! That’s.what.I.like.about.you! songs that might as well be thirty seconds in as many dumb ads as you want (that is, assuming you acted under any inhibition before), but leave the stuff someone actually worked on alone. If you can’t do any sword tricks, don’t bother me with your saber dance!

Or your spring snake symphony! It could easily have incorporated more Danubery, but instead it used the first part twice, implying that the second part does not even exist! Someone gets a punch in the nose.
Yes, so, it was some doofus who released a “spring snake” at each part of the music where you might think he would have done that. It looked really easy. I coulda do’d it. Toward the end interesting mechanical apparratusses made things more complicated, but the guy activating them was totally out of synchronisation with the [wrong] music by then so I could still probably have done it.

I can’t find a single mention online of “Spring Snake Symphony” that doesn’t mention the D. Letterman Late Show, so I probably saw the debut performance, and maybe it can be improved, but I doubt it will be. If I had a TV show I wouldn’t let someone do something that stupid if I hadn’t seen it first and confirmed that it was the kind of stupid I wanted to be associated with. I imagine Eric Buss is quite proud of himself.



2 Responses
  1. 1
    5:14 pm, October 15, 2007

    Yamamanama sez:

    No, you aren’t.

    Slightly better than the jingles written for commercials.

  2. 2
    5:44 pm, October 15, 2007

    Eeplivopu sez:

    Sometimes, but commercial jingles are supposed to be commercial. They only exist to sell products, and are short and stupid by design. They can’t harm my overall appreciation of music I’m already familiar with, unless they sound like it,

    When you said “no you aren’t,” were you using that like an irrelevant subject line or were you trying to tell me that I’m not slightly better than the jingles written for commercials? Because I swear I’m working on it.

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