January 7, 2019


Do not read about the character that broke the internet.
I have a big enough problem with the concept of Wreck’em Ralph, yet another Disney/Pixar story of the mundane wage-slave behind the scenes lives of formerly extra-ordinary beings, except now instead of characters they made up or that are at least public domain, they have enough money that they just license anyone they want. And unlike “Food Fight,” which was criticized and shamed into obscurity for that, since it’s Disney + Vidya Gaemz it is purity and SO GOOD. Alright, and now since Disney owns Lucasfilm, Marvel and Fox (for what that is worth) they can also insert most of the remaining characters which would never have been licensed to them otherwise, and they can just toss Darth Vader and Spiderman and the Krusty the Klown in a movie and act like this encompasses the whole of creative validity, and can imitate the copyright-infringement wasteland of internet social media to a great enough extent as to just be able to call it “the internet,” and then put the title character over all that. Alright, and now there are book adaptations of that. I haven’t seen the movie. Obviously I was never going to, it wasn’t made for me. The advertisement literally shows Ralph and the dark-haired gremlin running from Star Wars stormtroopers and then getting chewed out by Rapunzel and Cinderalla (the Disney versions, the REAL versions, of course) and I am supposed to think those both being in the same or any movie is a good thing. And, one assumes, remotely coherent in a children’s book. This is essentially embarrassing fan fiction with a price tag on it. I thought that was what Patreon was for. Where is the worth? I don’t have kids, you can thank your gods, but if I did I wouldn’t want to read them stories about some chubby guy palling around with an incongruous cross-franchise mashup of characters they never heard of inside a facebook post or whatever I have no clue and I think having a clue would require making myself dumber below the safety threshold from which it would be possible to get as-smart again afterward. AND AGAIN the relatable schmucks behind mobile communication premise was already done in The Emoji Movie, which was MASSIVELY criticized long before it came out, and unlike Food Fight actually did come out. And heeptydeepty my sister tells me that Ralph’s gremlin is voiced by Sarah Silverman, who is famous why? For being crass and contrary to the corporate-approved comedians who kept getting sitcoms in the 1990s. Crasser than Roseanne, then, even. And now Sarah Silverman is in DISNEY movies and Roseanne is unemployable for typing something Sarah Silverman would have spoken aloud on television and gotten big laughs from even though it doesn’t actually make sense 20 years ago.

The one thing I said in Ralph’s favor last time, even if I didn’t mean it as a compliment: “Why is this film special? Because it’s not on the internet. ” And now it thinks it IS the internet. The likes of Ralph could never have been conceived without the utterly broken culture of internet social media and in such a state it is incapable of being broken by Ralph.


It once was the case that, at least in the united states, you could use any intellectual property character you wanted in any way you wanted so long as it was a parody. That law no longer applies to Disney! Disney can buy any copyright and once disney owns a copyright it never expires. Disney can decree that Doctor Doom and Salacious B Crumb play Mario Tennis against Pinocchio and Frank Caliendo as John Madden and put that in a video that gets turned into a gif and then Ralph watches the gif and somebody makes a gif of that and that’s Canon with a capital C and that rhymes with P and that stands for “Please kill me” for all time. Maybe Disney will also buy Canon Inc, the digital camera company and repurpose that to making cannons for restorations of 16th century Spanish galleons just to drive home that point.



2 Responses
  1. 1
    10:19 am, January 8, 2019

    Abc sez:

    Do you think , as I do, that corporate consolidation is increasing?

  2. 2
    2:09 pm, January 8, 2019

    Frimpinheap sez:

    Of course it is, it always is. The US government almost always bends backward to serve corporate interests. It only breaks up monopolies that don’t have well known smiling faces on them. Meanwhile, other media corporations do their best to be identical to disney and people that aren’t corporate do their best to appear as brands rather than people so even when the entities are separate the attitudes and results are the same.

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