July 16, 2021


forget just for men hair paint phony ads, now THIS is realistic.


I know when I personally snayack i also balance a plate with a sandwich on one knee while simultaneously holding another sandwich in a hand and continuing to shove popcorn into my mouth with the remaining hand even while stating that i have problems when i do that, instead of chewing it, thereby causing the popcorn to tumble out of my mouth. How is that the bed’s fault that this guy is a moron? I appreciate that the adjustable bed owner is both aware of and gloating at his counterpart, whom he only refers to as “that guy.” Perhaps that guy’s name is That Guy. He LOOKS like That Guy. In a still picture it looks like his head has been edited onto someone else’s body as a gag to make him look stupid. But this is all natural! I don’t know who he thinks he is fooling with that napkin, he looks like he just hurried over from a dentist appointment, leaving in disgust after being told to cut back on popcorn. Perhaps that’s why he didn’t feel like chewing.

notably, the dork in the craftmatic bed doesn’t have any popcorn, he has a banana! Somewhat more nutritious, much less messy. He also went and got a tray, which definitely isn’t part of the package being sold here. Maybe the problem isn’t so much what bed you buy, more how much of a slob you are. Which isn’t to say I recommend That Guy take up bananas because I am convinced he would find some way to slip on its peel while still in the bed and then blame the bed for it.
even with the disdain he still refers to the product as a “quality flat bed.” Craftmatic ads always use that phrase, consistently, and I never had any clue why. Is the idea that hey, we’re not comparing this electric monstrosity to a RINKETY DINKETY flat bed. The people in those things are so worthless they can’t even get the popcorn in their mouths before dropping it, much less possess the poise to hold a plate on a knee, why would we trust them to complete the payments on one of these?

a “good night’s sleep” is only the THIRD perk mentioned of having a craftmatic bed, even though it is rare to see somebody actually sleeping in one of these advertisements, as they are too busy doing other things that you shouldn’t do in a bed anyway.


The real reason That Guy can’t sleep is because he just drank a bottle of soda and the bed is covered with sandwich crumbs and popcorn. The plate is probably still in there. In fact Craftmatic Guy doesn’t even say he sleeps in the bed, only that he’s “no dummy.” Because dummies advertise hard wood furniture and are slightly more convincing actors because I at least expect them to look unnatural. Then he takes off his glasses and lies back, as if he is going to sleep but obviously he isn’t because the light’s still on and the covers are still off!


years later craftmatic ads still emphasized the fact that you can buy your own eating tray separately even though you can use that tray in a regular bed. You can even use that tray if you don’t have a bed at all! Although more curious is that this man is so well organized that he keeps the bed immaculately made in the absence of his wife nagging him to do that, and is able to climb on to the bed AND set up a tray without disturbing that, yet he also WEARS SHOES in the bed!


there’s that dumb tray again! and the user is actually under the covers for once (presumably entering… to Win!) and so I cannot check for shoes.

the real problem with this advertisement series however is that it fails to disclose the full implications of the curse attached to using one of these beds.


curse in progress. the text calls it a massage and claims it to be optional but I would be curious to interview those who have experienced its effects.


Alas they rarely have much interesting to say afterward. I reckon they didn’t get much CHOICE about turning into dopes! Yet they should have known! Your body doesn’t turn all purple and featureless with lines rapidly going through it when you are being massaged! Right? Well MINE sure doesn’t.


the guy with the shoes, instead of saying “because i already have one” he should be saying “because i do not want to turn into a dope!” i will praise craftmatic for accurately representing how annoying and pushy their unsolicited calls probably are, but transforming people into dopes without their consent is hard for me to get past. And doing it WITH their consent is probably even worse because whoever wants to be a dope obviously deserves to be in jail and Craftmatic should pass that information along.


Hello! I’d like to be turned into a dope? thertainly, thir!
NO! Don’t go along with that request!

Turning into a dope is right up there with transforming into a skeleton, really.

although at least there is no item combination in castlevania circle of the moon which causes the hero to transform into a dope. for one thing since that game was released several years before dopes began appearing in my business that would mean I owed Konami royalties on dopes.


I hypothetically REFUSE to pay! Even IF that would allow me to blame somebody else.

More questions i pondered recently, were craftmatic adjustable beds designed to turn people into dopes or was that an unexpected side effect? and is it worse to BE a dope to begin with or to get turned into one?
AND, assuming it is possible revert a craftmatic’d dope back into a “normal” dumb old imp person, what would happen to a natural dope if the same process were used on it? and what GALL for dopes that weren’t people at one point to assume they are natural, they aren’t. I can’t believe it oh pardon ME dope, do craftmatic dopes FAIL the dope purity test? i can’t stand it who do those dumb dopes think they are? dopes?!


they think they are the MASTER dope race? dopes are so dumb they LOSE every race because instead of moving they just stand around at the starting line smiling at people. that’s right (wrong) KEEP smiling, like you ENJOY this, like you planned it all along, which I doubt you are capable of.


you would need a butler to do it for you! and you have no money to pay one! only the original rich people who transformed into “inferior” sub-dopes have it! ha-ha, ho,ho, teehee humperdink.
actually obscene affluence and servants is the only way all those weird trays, perfectly made beds and pajama-clad freakadoodles who never seem to be out of them make sense. Maybe we SHOULD change them into dopes and kick them out.


I have PROBLEMS when I try to transform into a dope in this quality flat bed!

ARRRRRGH of COURSE you do! Turning into a dope IS a problem! The QUALITY of your bed prevents it! WHY are you trying to do that and WHY are you telling ME about it?! Maybe you’re a dope already!



2 Responses
  1. 1
    7:09 pm, July 19, 2021

    Charmlatan sez:

    Fantastic! I’ve been meaning to make a “dope-sona”, but why stop there when I can *become* the dope! More authentic, and I can finally silence that pesky brain of mine. To think all I needed was a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed for all that and a comfortable mattress to food binge on!

    “Rebate promotion may increase the price of bed” made me die of laughter. I’ve never known rebates to be reliable: high school and university clubs I participated in often tried to use such deals on electronic purchases, but they never work out. The only reliable staples in our lives will be the ones used to adhere our papers together. Or posters to our walls if you’re a barbarian.

  2. 2
    11:03 pm, July 20, 2021

    Frimpinheap sez:

    instead of dopesona i recommend “dopes oh no” to let everyone know to keep away from you after you have rendered yourself only inclined to follow them around while smiling at them.

    I certainly do not think i ever saw a rebate offer that I took seriously. it always seems like the idea is to trick people into forgetting or simply making the hassle so great that nobody can successfully redeem it, but certainly one having the opposite intended effect is something i have never encountered before and I wonder if that happened often, what with the whole impressionable older people who have problems doing things demographic being targeted here.

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them`s fightin` woids: July 20, 2021
Frimpinheap sez:
instead of dopesona i recommend “dopes oh no” to let everyone know to keep away from...
July 19, 2021
Charmlatan sez:
Fantastic! I’ve been meaning to make a “dope-sona”, but why stop there when I can *become*...
July 11, 2021
Frimpinheap sez:
It does help that part 2 is a better game with generally more logical clues, and consequently...
July 9, 2021
Frimpinheap sez:
I seem to no longer have the video file on my present hard drive but I took the screenshot at may...
July 9, 2021
A hooberdoober sez:
I would imagine the purpose of the multiple, differently-angled belts in the second image is...
July 8, 2021
Frimpinheap sez:
because it is grey now
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