March 20, 2011

On the subject of Don K. Kong…



Guess what happens next:
A: D. Kong grabs Pauline and climbs to the next stage, like in the real game
B: The ad loops over from the beginning
3: Mario installs some pipes so that the building can be finished since he’s supposed to be a plumber or something, right?
IV: I actually click the ad

The correct answer is W:



Donkey kong jumps in the air, spins 180 degrees and FALLS for NO REASON. Pauline continues to call for help. Kong remains emotionless despite the massive brain trauma certain to occur once he lands. I wouldn’t even mind this so much if Kong fell while upright or adopted an expression that acknowledged how horrible it is to suddenly be falling and rotated for NO REASON.

The vertical version is even worse because the graphic dork put as much effort into formatting the layout as you’d expect, so you don’t even see Mario reach his destination, and thus there’s even less than no reason. He scampers beyond the image boundary and a few seconds later kong falls for ever no-er reason than before! The amount of reason that there is cannot exist in physical space and requires hypothetical mathematics to express.


The proper D. Kong DOES inexplicably fall on his head, but only after the platform he’s standing on collapses and in any event we get to see that he acts surprised when this happens. I’d like to imagine that the kong in the ad jumped off deliberately, and he’s diving into a pool of pudding just below the image edge that was prepared specifically for such an occasion, but that possibility only occurred to me now and I don’t presume that’s what the ad designer had in mind.

This sort of thing has always bothered me. Like when


Roger Rabbit in the NES game gets stolen by an object meant to resemble a bird and then the detective guy just DROPS DEAD because he failed in whatever his task was.

The filename of the picture I started this with is kongarrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.png I wondered why I insisted on putting an H at the end, the old Garfield way of spelling arrrgh, which then reminded me of how the Roger Rabbit game reminded me of a specific garfield cartoon.

I was TERRIFIED of this. I could not look at this page. I had no friends so I would re-read those little books all the time, memorized which strips came before this one and I’d worry when I saw them, not sure just how close I was. I would have to only look at the left side of the page and if I saw that clock oh oh oh! (It’s magic)


Oh, here’s the problem. The Roger Rabbit game was developed by the Battletoads people before they hired the person who could draw nice. I talk a mean trash about Battle Toads but it is one of very few Rare games I’ve seen that I consider to have any legitimate aesthetic appeal. This includes the Battle Toad sequels and Kong Country and actually I haven’t seen most of their games. But

the battletoads, featuring the most superfluous life bar since Rolling Thunder.

And SPEAKING of stuff happening for no reason

MAME DEMANDS TRIBUTE. I hadn’t used it in a while so it decided that I needed to pay it in new roms for old games that used to work.

Also, in trying to get pictures of the rabbit kidnapping; I didn’t realize the bird only starts chasing you down after a few minutes, so I had to also be reminded that there is an 8-bit police siren (that’s a .wav, watch out) that sounds anytime you’re outside of a building scene for longer than a few seconds, after which some cartoon rats appear and make you lose.


This is scary. If the rats just appeared it wouldn’t be so bad, but the noise announcing their presence speaks to my psychological errors. I have a deep fear of being arrested for a crime I committed accidentally or without realizing was a crime.

Such as standing really close to the highway. (although I was merely searched and escorted back to the road this time) Oops, you were in the wrong place! You have to go to jail forever.

Which I meant to imply was a bad thing, even if this is a poor example.

I also recall being scared of certain graphics and musical cues in the Roger Rabbit game. I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of my disorders had their roots somewhere in there. Hidden timers, mystery crimes, terrifying noises, unexplainable voodoo deaths. It is an astounding feat to upset me in so many ways without any mirrored letters, vanish deaths or horizontally moving bosses that look at the player rather than their target. It doesn’t have a life bar either, which I mentioned earlier and have also decided are kind of creepy. Yes, and I saw the movie once when I was six or so years old and have no recollection as to how anything in the game relates to that. It seems possible that up to 13% of it could make sense in context.

Which is pretty good for the 1980s.

Or ever.



7 Responses
  1. 1
    12:41 am, March 21, 2011

    Grimbling sez:

    I once came across a strange CD of bootlegged NES roms. Without any context or instructions a lot of them were pretty dang creepy. Like Roger Rabbit with the vulture and the riddles. It almost scarred me for life. :(

  2. 2
    10:25 am, March 21, 2011

    PurpleSpace sez:

    Oh dear, Nemitz is in jail and he looks so sad! Undoubtedly he ignored one of those “No Nemitzes” signs designed to keep out nemitzes. Things that may have scarred me in video games are from gameboy versions of NES games, one being Castlevania and those impolite moving spike walls with the moving spike wall music.

  3. 3
    3:19 pm, March 21, 2011

    Zinkugel sez:

    Imbli: The riddle part wouldn’t be a bad idea if the way in which you selected an answer was made at all clear. You have to hold select and press up or down. Not select and left or right, and not any direction on its own. Both A and B confirm the answer. Even if you do it properly I seem to recall that you can only use each answer once but the same question can be repeated.

    It puzzles me the lack of discretion about choosing the games for bootleg multitudes, even six years after writing that (and I think that remark about “race select” was a reference to some form I had been made to fill out then-recently and is not meant to constitute my own condemnation of vague races).

    Plespa:
    Nemitz needs to to SO much jail.

    I owned a cartridge of the Ninja Turtle “Fall of the Foot Clan” game and I am afraid to seek out a rom and replay it. I am even more afraid of the first Game Gear Sonic Hedgehog game. Primarily for how I remember Robotnik being depicted and secondarily for the creepy low-fidelity versions of the original Mega Drive tunes.

    I agree that Castlevania Adventure is not good, but thankfully I was able to elude being scared of it. I was, however, for a time afraid of Castlevania 2 on the NES, primarily due to the horizontal lines along the top of the screen in the outside areas. I think the Gameboy game may have had them also, but I had somehow subdued the specific, relevant fear by the time I got around to experimenting with the ROM.

  4. 4
    8:54 am, March 22, 2011

    PurpleSpace sez:

    Sadly, said Ninja Turtle game was one of the cartridges I managed to beat. The same cannot be said for Castlevania Adventure, but I did get far enough to see that it did at least have a Dracula that looked like a Dracula (the same cannot be said for many others). I played Game Gear Sonic (via emulator) long enough to find it involved bad-controls hang-gliders.

  5. 5
    9:02 pm, March 22, 2011

    The Louvre sez:

    You would lock up a hapless Nemitz in an excessively labeled jail, but allow the bow tie fool to run free and continue to terrorize the land? You really need to get your priorities straight.

  6. 6
    11:29 pm, March 22, 2011

    Garfield sez:

    Of course you found it terrifying. That’s the entire point of that comic: to convey in the most viscerally piercing manner possible the terrors of Monday. You know what they say about the Mondays, don’t you? (Hint: it involves them sucking.)

  7. 7
    12:19 pm, March 23, 2011

    Zinkugel sez:

    space:
    I did reach the end, also! Some aspect of it festered in my mind through the years and grew gradually more unpleasant, and it is possible I have exaggerated it, but I am afraid that I might not have. The same is true of the Sonic game, though I think the hang-glider was in the second one, which from my brief experience did not seem quite so visually or audibly horrifying.

    I think I gave up trying to play Castlevania Adventure remotely properly (where I use save states to give myself unlimited “lives” but am not making them every few steps) in the fourth level so you have my congratulations and condolences if you could reach the end, even without winning, on the intended hardware.

    I think I know what you’re saying about Dracula’s appearance, but the more I think about it, the less sense it makes that a vampire in the 16th-or-so century should dress like a butler from the 20th. Because the game about skeletons that throw bones and magical heart shapes trapped inside candles is above all else concerned with historical accuracy.

    Vre:
    That nemitz was not hapless until they were confiscated upon the fiend’s imprisonment for the crime of hap-theft.

    Field:
    I admit it. You’ve bested me again. How cruel of you to not implement any measure to prevent that image from being seen on non-mondays! I did not expect that you might do such a thing deliberately, but now I see I was mistaken.

feed comments.

Leave a comment. If you want to.




 
Nobody I know has a website anymore

Mr. Sr. Mxy
Nowhere
Titash
pc72
Pickford
Gilhodes (bah you need a facebook account to see)
video game music database
pacific novelty
Green Lantern Head Trauma

them`s fightin` woids: July 18, 2019
Purplespace sez:
Not sure why they would prefer BB8, the robot that fixes electrical shorts by trying to plug...
July 13, 2019
Frimpinheap sez:
I think they would do well to apply less of everything!
July 11, 2019
Purplespace sez:
Some of those they at least tried to stay on the character model! Clearly they needed more of...
July 9, 2019
Charmlatan sez:
I’m bothered.
July 3, 2019
Charmlatan sez:
Best nemitz! Have a good time. Thanks for the warning!
June 29, 2019
Charmlatan sez:
Very relatable comic entry. I too gain more weight when I’m anxiety ridden and stressed out.
Less recent posts
  • July 2019
  • June 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019
  • March 2019
  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • November 2018
  • October 2018
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • July 2018
  • June 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • August 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016
  • February 2016
  • January 2016
  • December 2015
  • November 2015
  • October 2015
  • September 2015
  • August 2015
  • July 2015
  • June 2015
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • December 2014
  • November 2014
  • October 2014
  • September 2014
  • August 2014
  • July 2014
  • June 2014
  • May 2014
  • April 2014
  • March 2014
  • February 2014
  • January 2014
  • December 2013
  • November 2013
  • October 2013
  • September 2013
  • August 2013
  • July 2013
  • June 2013
  • May 2013
  • April 2013
  • March 2013
  • February 2013
  • January 2013
  • December 2012
  • November 2012
  • October 2012
  • September 2012
  • August 2012
  • July 2012
  • June 2012
  • May 2012
  • April 2012
  • March 2012
  • February 2012
  • January 2012
  • December 2011
  • November 2011
  • October 2011
  • September 2011
  • August 2011
  • July 2011
  • June 2011
  • May 2011
  • April 2011
  • March 2011
  • February 2011
  • January 2011
  • December 2010
  • November 2010
  • October 2010
  • September 2010
  • August 2010
  • July 2010
  • June 2010
  • May 2010
  • April 2010
  • March 2010
  • February 2010
  • January 2010
  • December 2009
  • November 2009
  • October 2009
  • September 2009
  • August 2009
  • July 2009
  • June 2009
  • May 2009
  • April 2009
  • March 2009
  • February 2009
  • January 2009
  • December 2008
  • November 2008
  • October 2008
  • September 2008
  • August 2008
  • July 2008
  • June 2008
  • May 2008
  • April 2008
  • March 2008
  • February 2008
  • January 2008
  • December 2007
  • November 2007
  • October 2007
  • September 2007
  • August 2007
  • July 2007
  • June 2007
  • December 2004

  • May 2007
    April 2007
    March 2007
    February 2007
    January 2007
    December 2006
    November 2006
    October 2006
    September 2006
    August 2006
    July 2006
    June 2006
    May 2006
    April 2006
    March 2006
    February 2006
    January 2006
    December 2005
    November 2005
    October 2005
    September 2005
    August 2005
    July 2005
    June 2005
    Maypril 2005
    March 2005
    February 2005
    January 2005
    Novcember 2004
    October 2004
    September 2004
    August 2004
    July 2004
    Maune 2004
    April 2004
    Febrarch 2004
    January 2004
    December 2003
    Octvember 2003
    Augtember 2003
    Junly 2003
    Maypril 2003
    Febrarch 2003
    Octnovdecjan 20023
    Junulgustember 2002
    Maypril 2002
    This never happened


    old webpages
    Mall Meh...ness
    03-03-2007
    Labyrinthy
    02-22-2007
    Cartoons
    12-10-2006
    Ludicrous
    07-01-2006
    I do not approve.
    06-04-2006
    irrational complaining about my television set
    04-24-2006
    Dennises are dead to me
    04-17-2006
    web-tv
    04-08-2006
    This page is not about shoes.
    03-22-2006
    I hate shoes.
    03-11-2006
    something award related
    03-04-2006
    Bahrg.
    02-26-2006
    Those Green Eyes again
    01-28-2006
    More valid but unfunny Disney criticism
    01-15-2006
    MeSpace
    11-EH-2005
    Biggest Loser
    10-EH-2005
    Mall Blandness
    07-20-2005
    2004 advertisement complaint world championship
    01/05/05
    Belindi
    11/03/04
    Mall Egadness
    09/22/04
    Las Vegas
    07/30/04
    Spiderman 2
    07/20/04
    Jope and Dopes
    06/27/04
    These Green Eyes
    04/24/04
    Friday
    04/01/04
    Wedding
    03/07/04
    Game Over
    03/02/04
    McDenny's
    01/09/04
    Mall orneryness
    01/06/04
    Movies I'm not going to see
    11/14/03
    Back fashion school to
    09/14/03
    Movies Make Me Mad. Moreso.
    06/14/03
    JList
    06/03/03
    France
    03/31/03
    Official pizza of Nascar
    03/16/03
    Browsers
    02/23/03
    Michael Jackson
    2/16/03
    Free Speech
    02/05/03
    Thursday
    01/23/03
    Doofs
    01-whenever-03
    NO
    12/11/02
    Film Critics. I hate them.
    10/15/02
    Coconuts. I hate those as well.
    10/14/02
    Independence Day
    Some time in July 2001
    video games
    Runaway Rainbow
    12-29-2008
    Marsupilami part 1
    Marsupilami part 2
    02-12-2007
    Spirou part 1
    Spirou part 2
    05-26-2006
    Cosmo's Cosmic Adventure!
    04-18-2005
    Kirby part 1
    Kirby part 2
    Kirby part 3
    01/23/05
    Dynamite HeaddY
    07/04/04
    McDonald's Treasureland Adventure
    03/21/04
    Pac in Time part 1
    Pac in Time part 2
    02/12/04
    Air Fortress
    07/16/03
    Super Widget
    05/17/03
    Back to the Forest (the skunny page)
    01/21/03
    Tintin and the Prisoners of the Sun
    09/24/02
    Bip Bop II
    2001, a space waste
    Barney's Hide and Seek "Game"
    too late to make a difference
    Moraff's Dungeons of the Unforgiven
    before the one above it
    Super Games Galore! Doy!
    mysterious
    other things
    Awards this website hasn't won
    mysterious
    The first First Beet segment
    05/28/10
    Embarrassing pictures 1
    09/17/04
    Embarrassing pictures 2
    The same
    Umiliphus (my old derivative megamen sprite comic
    08/15/03
    Hopeless.swf
    11/24/04, (I can only justify this by calling it an experiment, so I shall)
    sandwich.swf
    02/16/05
    FACK
    ??/??/??
    Poetry Page
    The same