April 16, 2011

I suppose this is part three of a series. A year ago I would have stayed up all night making sure they were all in one post. Ha ha, I was such a loser then. Now I have 600 watchers on Fur Affinity. I am hot stuff. That’s almost half as many as the guy who draws popular cartoon characters on toilets. By the way, he thinks your fetishes are weird.



Donkey Kong’s trouble with premature gravity reminded me of another ad type from past years, the “game” that orders me to do some misanthropic act which I should never do in the hope of earning a reward which has no possible connection to the deed. There is probably a proper retrospective of them somewhere. Me not looking for that and inevitably having a problem with it will help ensure there is no part four.


There was one, though, that instructed me to “SLAP SANTAS BELLY! YOU LOSE!!!!!!” Whenever “I” “lost,” the creature representing me, and I know it’s me because it says “you” on it, was flung forward, apparently painfully, for no reason. That’s not important, I suppose. What matters is that I LOST at SOMETHING and therefore my pride is impugned and I am an inferior being. I must play until I WIN. I don’t particularly need a ringtone because I prefer my device in vibrate mode but after watching that animation I have become strangely opposed to the idea of vibration. “Participation required.” It doesn’t even imply that my participation is required to win the prize. My participation just IS required. It’s like Stations of the Cross when I was in Catholic School. Nobody knows why it happens or who it benefits or who demands that it happens.

Or even WHEN, apparently. You’ll never see it coming. It’s like Bat-Man. All we knew for certain was that we couldn’t go home until 3 pm instead of 2:30. We all had these corny books from the 1960s with these illustrations of kids carrying grocery bags while the priest’s posse inched around the room ringing creepy bells while others took their time taking turns standing at a podium giving verbosely worded and completely emotionless accounts of Jesus having a lousy day. It took at least an hour, and happened three or four times roundabout this point of the year. If you didn’t go to Catholic school then you’re probably exactly as confused and bored reading my vague allusions to it as I was living through it.

Anyway

Slap Santa’s intestinal shell or be physically abused! Clearly there is some sado-masochism thing going on. Much like with how fun Christmas should be, Santa and Jesus have differing opinions on the merits of being assailed with polearm weaponry by way of pre-ordained destiny (and it is arguable whose got the better video game) and when Santa doesn’t get his precious pain he inflicts it. That explanation would almost amuse me, except there is no animated object that appears to be flinging the character that I remind you is “you” who is me. It is propelled entirely by the shame of losing this strange contest to the rival Santa’s team. I assume if I actually participated in the ad-game the other character would eventually be punished, and… how did I get myself into this? This goes against so many of my personal principles.

Obviously this one doesn’t even have the rival santa which either means I misremembered or somebody thought this idea was good enough to rip off. What kind of a world do we live in where I have to hope my mind isn’t working properly?

…………………………………………………………………………………..!

Oh, jolly good. Except this is a totally different santa-slapping apparatus.


Santa Claus has fallen on hard times I guess. Yukon Cornelius yuknionized the elves and they demanded Mr. Claus’ resignation. He has no choice but to sell his slappable image to any and all buyers.

Hey kids, set Santa’s head on fire! He’s in no financial position to tell you not to! He spent all his money on


Too many people spent way too long painting these.


But how many watchers does it have?



4 Responses
  1. 1
    5:35 am, April 16, 2011

    Kilroy Lebowski sez:

    At first I thought the man listed Velcro as a fetish he couldn’t understand. I was about to get angry.

  2. 2
    6:04 am, April 17, 2011

    Your Shadow Self sez:

    You spell it
    S-A-N-T-A
    C-L-A-U-S
    Hoo-ray-for-Sant-y-Claus!

  3. 3
    7:09 pm, April 17, 2011

    A Dragon out for a day of Relaxation sez:

    I can think of no better time of the year to have a Santa heavy post. I also think Mr. Shadow made a Santa Clause Conquers the Martians reference, and for that he gets a high five and a slap in the face (in whichever order he chooses).

  4. 4
    7:40 pm, April 17, 2011

    Zinkugel sez:

    Roy-killer: That’s good, but I hope you don’t post on the internet when you’re angry! Tear yourself away from the computer once in a while!

    shadow self: that is why my house is made entirely of mirrors.

    Relaxor: any post with a Santa in it is likely to be sort of heavy. Also, I have long since given up attempting to discipline my shadow.

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