April 29, 2015

I wish “breakfast just got sexier” was the stupidest thing I ever heard in a Dunkin Donuts advertisement, but it is hard to beat “artisan bagel.” Or “doing things is what we like to do.”


on the topic of doughnuts, with cookie dough and brownie batter around, why are you making doughnuts? It seems like you are half way to making two better things.


Just because these are limited edition doughnuts does NOT mean we are running out of doughnuts!


Also, my spellchecking mechanism recognizes donuts but not doughnuts.

The advertisement was audible again while I was writing this, because I am not allowed to write without voices coming at me incessantly, and apparently the announcer is saying “breakfast just got zestier.”


Which means they are chopping up little bits of zest brand soap into the Ore Ida tater tots they call hash browns, trying to outdo Taco Bell’s Dorito taco. In which event I still will not eat it but will be just as perturbed and curious.
An alternate, more common interpretation of “zestier” is as a code word for “we got more salt in there.” I am impressed it was possible but am otherwise uninterested. Even though the product features guacamole made with REAL avacadoes! Because I am supposed to be impressed that a company which has earned trillions of dollars selling food made food properly. Don’t you people who have been eating the fake stuff feel silly now! No, that is probably not something that you feel. Soon the Apple company will be boasting that if you order an ipad the box won’t be full of strawberry jam.

The fact that, even as a eunuch, I heard “sexier” and found it only mildly surprising for our current state of advertising suggests that a sexier breakfast may not in fact be far off.


I mean, assuming that is possible. We might not even need to get an artist to draw big eyelashes and high heeled shoes on this munchstrosity.


Now you are just being gross.



7 Responses
  1. 1
    1:35 am, April 29, 2015

    chesse20 sez:

    I’ve never ate a dunkin doughnut but they probably taste bad because their fast food.

  2. 2
    3:51 am, April 29, 2015

    Frimpinheap sez:

    I am sure Duncan Donuts would make an exception for you and get the product to you as slowly as possible if the situation called for it.

    I end up near the joints a lot because I always seem to travel with people who are contentedly attached to the overpriced brown fluid the place sells apart from doughnuts. I feel fortunate that they have not convinced themselves they need to be paying twice as much as too much so that I end up at starbuckses, which are just as crummy but put more effort into acting like they are not.

  3. 3
    5:57 am, April 29, 2015

    PurpleSpace sez:

    I don’t want my breakfast to be sexier. It annoys me when my food aspires to take on traits normally not attributable to food. I am wary of things that say it now has a great new taste because it may mean the company decided to replace a lot of ingredients with corn syrup. I don’t even really know how they get syrup from corn!

  4. 4
    2:08 pm, April 29, 2015

    Indighost sez:

    I have never encountered sexy food, but I did read a “lifestyle” magazine article once that described food as sexier than sex:

    here it is:

    “Teri and Pat have had a special Monday-night ritual. They order an extra-large cheese pizza,” writes Loh. While they wait for their pizza, “they settle in on the couch with large twin bags of Doritos. Each chip is dipped first in cream cheese and then in salsa. Cream cheese, salsa. Cream cheese, salsa… The Doritos are finished to the last crumb, and then, upon arrival, the pizza as well.” (No dessert is mentioned—I imagine it’s just one wafer-thin mint.) Teri and Pat are 50 pounds overweight and suffer from “lesbian bed death,” but for them, pizza-and-Doritos night is “better than sex.”

    =

    [just fyi before you click below. all of dan savage’s “love advice” is totally terrible. I used to follow it until it blew up in my face and I finally understood. if you want actual romance advice for men, the advice is very simple: be physically fit, do social activities, take initiative, make jokes, and stand up for yourself. that simple advice solves all romance problems.]

    http://www.avclub.com/article/march-14-2007-1821

  5. 5
    3:07 pm, April 29, 2015

    Indighost sez:

    Thinking about it more, perhaps some of us are oriented more towards various desires of the flesh rather than desires of the soul and vice versa and that might be all there is to it.

  6. 6
    1:17 am, April 30, 2015

    Frimpinheap sez:

    spack: I think syrup legally counts as anything of gel-like consistency that comes out of something else when you squeeze it.

    ghost: Just ONE pizza for the two of them? Without toppings? Those had better be some gosh darn good doritos, and I am sure they aren’t.
    I am a long way from wanting love advice from anybody! My questions would be kindergarten tier sorts of things that someone like that couldn’t answer because he never had to think about them. Dear Savage: where do friendships come from? Why do people want to talk to each other? It seems emotionally draining.

  7. 7
    7:06 am, April 30, 2015

    PurpleSpace sez:

    How are buns classic? Are they classic in that they sure are representative of baked dough? I’ll take a look at the cinnamon bun and be like “oh man! classic bun behavior right there! just like you’d expect!” Advertisement slaps some serif font on their words and thinks they are the next Necco wafer! With the clove flavored wafer!

feed comments.

This here`s me trackback!

Leave a comment. If you want to.




 
Nobody I know has a website anymore

Mr. Sr. Mxy
Nowhere
Titash
pc72
Pickford
Gilhodes (bah you need a facebook account to see)
video game music database
pacific novelty
Green Lantern Head Trauma

them`s fightin` woids: July 21, 2020
Frimpinheap sez:
Thank you for approving! I don’t like to compare this to an “alpha build”...
July 19, 2020
Charmlatan sez:
Well, I wish to report that the video worked well, it’s like any other alpha build video of...
July 5, 2020
Charmlatan sez:
Don’t worry about having cake, because unfortunately I had enough for both of us. Oh dear. Oh...
July 4, 2020
Frimpinheap sez:
once i gave the blue dope a specific reason to have an umbrella, I could no longer casually...
July 4, 2020
Charmlatan sez:
Ah, interesting. Perhaps the umbrella can come back as a secret weapon. Hope there’s more...
July 4, 2020
Frimpinheap sez:
one dope is much like another but that is correct. It carries an umbrella in the cartoonish...
Less recent posts
  • August 2020
  • July 2020
  • June 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • December 2019
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • August 2019
  • July 2019
  • June 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019
  • March 2019
  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • November 2018
  • October 2018
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • July 2018
  • June 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • August 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016
  • February 2016
  • January 2016
  • December 2015
  • November 2015
  • October 2015
  • September 2015
  • August 2015
  • July 2015
  • June 2015
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • December 2014
  • November 2014
  • October 2014
  • September 2014
  • August 2014
  • July 2014
  • June 2014
  • May 2014
  • April 2014
  • March 2014
  • February 2014
  • January 2014
  • December 2013
  • November 2013
  • October 2013
  • September 2013
  • August 2013
  • July 2013
  • June 2013
  • May 2013
  • April 2013
  • March 2013
  • February 2013
  • January 2013
  • December 2012
  • November 2012
  • October 2012
  • September 2012
  • August 2012
  • July 2012
  • June 2012
  • May 2012
  • April 2012
  • March 2012
  • February 2012
  • January 2012
  • December 2011
  • November 2011
  • October 2011
  • September 2011
  • August 2011
  • July 2011
  • June 2011
  • May 2011
  • April 2011
  • March 2011
  • February 2011
  • January 2011
  • December 2010
  • November 2010
  • October 2010
  • September 2010
  • August 2010
  • July 2010
  • June 2010
  • May 2010
  • April 2010
  • March 2010
  • February 2010
  • January 2010
  • December 2009
  • November 2009
  • October 2009
  • September 2009
  • August 2009
  • July 2009
  • June 2009
  • May 2009
  • April 2009
  • March 2009
  • February 2009
  • January 2009
  • December 2008
  • November 2008
  • October 2008
  • September 2008
  • August 2008
  • July 2008
  • June 2008
  • May 2008
  • April 2008
  • March 2008
  • February 2008
  • January 2008
  • December 2007
  • November 2007
  • October 2007
  • September 2007
  • August 2007
  • July 2007
  • June 2007
  • December 2004

  • May 2007
    April 2007
    March 2007
    February 2007
    January 2007
    December 2006
    November 2006
    October 2006
    September 2006
    August 2006
    July 2006
    June 2006
    May 2006
    April 2006
    March 2006
    February 2006
    January 2006
    December 2005
    November 2005
    October 2005
    September 2005
    August 2005
    July 2005
    June 2005
    Maypril 2005
    March 2005
    February 2005
    January 2005
    Novcember 2004
    October 2004
    September 2004
    August 2004
    July 2004
    Maune 2004
    April 2004
    Febrarch 2004
    January 2004
    December 2003
    Octvember 2003
    Augtember 2003
    Junly 2003
    Maypril 2003
    Febrarch 2003
    Octnovdecjan 20023
    Junulgustember 2002
    Maypril 2002
    This never happened


    old webpages
    Mall Meh...ness
    03-03-2007
    Labyrinthy
    02-22-2007
    Cartoons
    12-10-2006
    Ludicrous
    07-01-2006
    I do not approve.
    06-04-2006
    irrational complaining about my television set
    04-24-2006
    Dennises are dead to me
    04-17-2006
    web-tv
    04-08-2006
    This page is not about shoes.
    03-22-2006
    I hate shoes.
    03-11-2006
    something award related
    03-04-2006
    Bahrg.
    02-26-2006
    Those Green Eyes again
    01-28-2006
    More valid but unfunny Disney criticism
    01-15-2006
    MeSpace
    11-EH-2005
    Biggest Loser
    10-EH-2005
    Mall Blandness
    07-20-2005
    2004 advertisement complaint world championship
    01/05/05
    Belindi
    11/03/04
    Mall Egadness
    09/22/04
    Las Vegas
    07/30/04
    Spiderman 2
    07/20/04
    Jope and Dopes
    06/27/04
    These Green Eyes
    04/24/04
    Friday
    04/01/04
    Wedding
    03/07/04
    Game Over
    03/02/04
    McDenny's
    01/09/04
    Mall orneryness
    01/06/04
    Movies I'm not going to see
    11/14/03
    Back fashion school to
    09/14/03
    Movies Make Me Mad. Moreso.
    06/14/03
    JList
    06/03/03
    France
    03/31/03
    Official pizza of Nascar
    03/16/03
    Browsers
    02/23/03
    Michael Jackson
    2/16/03
    Free Speech
    02/05/03
    Thursday
    01/23/03
    Doofs
    01-whenever-03
    NO
    12/11/02
    Film Critics. I hate them.
    10/15/02
    Coconuts. I hate those as well.
    10/14/02
    Independence Day
    Some time in July 2001
    video games
    Runaway Rainbow
    12-29-2008
    Marsupilami part 1
    Marsupilami part 2
    02-12-2007
    Spirou part 1
    Spirou part 2
    05-26-2006
    Cosmo's Cosmic Adventure!
    04-18-2005
    Kirby part 1
    Kirby part 2
    Kirby part 3
    01/23/05
    Dynamite HeaddY
    07/04/04
    McDonald's Treasureland Adventure
    03/21/04
    Pac in Time part 1
    Pac in Time part 2
    02/12/04
    Air Fortress
    07/16/03
    Super Widget
    05/17/03
    Back to the Forest (the skunny page)
    01/21/03
    Tintin and the Prisoners of the Sun
    09/24/02
    Bip Bop II
    2001, a space waste
    Barney's Hide and Seek "Game"
    too late to make a difference
    Moraff's Dungeons of the Unforgiven
    before the one above it
    Super Games Galore! Doy!
    mysterious
    other things
    Awards this website hasn't won
    mysterious
    The first First Beet segment
    05/28/10
    Embarrassing pictures 1
    09/17/04
    Embarrassing pictures 2
    The same
    Umiliphus (my old derivative megamen sprite comic
    08/15/03
    Hopeless.swf
    11/24/04, (I can only justify this by calling it an experiment, so I shall)
    sandwich.swf
    02/16/05
    FACK
    ??/??/??
    Poetry Page
    The same