April 29, 2015
I wish “breakfast just got sexier” was the stupidest thing I ever heard in a Dunkin Donuts advertisement, but it is hard to beat “artisan bagel.” Or “doing things is what we like to do.”
on the topic of doughnuts, with cookie dough and brownie batter around, why are you making doughnuts? It seems like you are half way to making two better things.
Just because these are limited edition doughnuts does NOT mean we are running out of doughnuts!
Also, my spellchecking mechanism recognizes donuts but not doughnuts.
The advertisement was audible again while I was writing this, because I am not allowed to write without voices coming at me incessantly, and apparently the announcer is saying “breakfast just got zestier.”
Which means they are chopping up little bits of zest brand soap into the Ore Ida tater tots they call hash browns, trying to outdo Taco Bell’s Dorito taco. In which event I still will not eat it but will be just as perturbed and curious.
An alternate, more common interpretation of “zestier” is as a code word for “we got more salt in there.” I am impressed it was possible but am otherwise uninterested. Even though the product features guacamole made with REAL avacadoes! Because I am supposed to be impressed that a company which has earned trillions of dollars selling food made food properly. Don’t you people who have been eating the fake stuff feel silly now! No, that is probably not something that you feel. Soon the Apple company will be boasting that if you order an ipad the box won’t be full of strawberry jam.
The fact that, even as a eunuch, I heard “sexier” and found it only mildly surprising for our current state of advertising suggests that a sexier breakfast may not in fact be far off.
I mean, assuming that is possible. We might not even need to get an artist to draw big eyelashes and high heeled shoes on this munchstrosity.
Now you are just being gross.
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chesse20 sez:
I’ve never ate a dunkin doughnut but they probably taste bad because their fast food.
Frimpinheap sez:
I am sure Duncan Donuts would make an exception for you and get the product to you as slowly as possible if the situation called for it.
I end up near the joints a lot because I always seem to travel with people who are contentedly attached to the overpriced brown fluid the place sells apart from doughnuts. I feel fortunate that they have not convinced themselves they need to be paying twice as much as too much so that I end up at starbuckses, which are just as crummy but put more effort into acting like they are not.
PurpleSpace sez:
I don’t want my breakfast to be sexier. It annoys me when my food aspires to take on traits normally not attributable to food. I am wary of things that say it now has a great new taste because it may mean the company decided to replace a lot of ingredients with corn syrup. I don’t even really know how they get syrup from corn!
Indighost sez:
I have never encountered sexy food, but I did read a “lifestyle” magazine article once that described food as sexier than sex:
here it is:
“Teri and Pat have had a special Monday-night ritual. They order an extra-large cheese pizza,” writes Loh. While they wait for their pizza, “they settle in on the couch with large twin bags of Doritos. Each chip is dipped first in cream cheese and then in salsa. Cream cheese, salsa. Cream cheese, salsa… The Doritos are finished to the last crumb, and then, upon arrival, the pizza as well.” (No dessert is mentioned—I imagine it’s just one wafer-thin mint.) Teri and Pat are 50 pounds overweight and suffer from “lesbian bed death,” but for them, pizza-and-Doritos night is “better than sex.”
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[just fyi before you click below. all of dan savage’s “love advice” is totally terrible. I used to follow it until it blew up in my face and I finally understood. if you want actual romance advice for men, the advice is very simple: be physically fit, do social activities, take initiative, make jokes, and stand up for yourself. that simple advice solves all romance problems.]
http://www.avclub.com/article/march-14-2007-1821
Indighost sez:
Thinking about it more, perhaps some of us are oriented more towards various desires of the flesh rather than desires of the soul and vice versa and that might be all there is to it.
Frimpinheap sez:
spack: I think syrup legally counts as anything of gel-like consistency that comes out of something else when you squeeze it.
ghost: Just ONE pizza for the two of them? Without toppings? Those had better be some gosh darn good doritos, and I am sure they aren’t.
I am a long way from wanting love advice from anybody! My questions would be kindergarten tier sorts of things that someone like that couldn’t answer because he never had to think about them. Dear Savage: where do friendships come from? Why do people want to talk to each other? It seems emotionally draining.
PurpleSpace sez:
How are buns classic? Are they classic in that they sure are representative of baked dough? I’ll take a look at the cinnamon bun and be like “oh man! classic bun behavior right there! just like you’d expect!” Advertisement slaps some serif font on their words and thinks they are the next Necco wafer! With the clove flavored wafer!