On the subject of Super Mario Brothers and invalids, in that thing which I wrote yesterday and not two years ago, I thought I would treat you to my favorite retarded rom-hack of that game, Super Wheelchair Mario. Not even brothers, just [Super] Wheelchair Mario. That Luigi is also available is an added bonus. Unlike the version I’ve had for years, which would only run in Nestical, because that’s the best, classiest emulator of all the times, I copied the changed graphics into a closer-to-functioning rom and passed the amazing on to you. It seems appropriate that a game about a guy in a wheelchair needs special assistance to be more accessible. I would commit a disservice to show numerous pictures of it with my special witty commentary when the game itself can be downloaded, played, and forgotten about in fifty-seven seconds.
Like so. Of course it’s zipped; Do you think I am made of kilobytes?!
Another of my favorites, though I don’t find it nearly as profound, is “Lesbian Tennis,” in which the women tennis players have their clothing drawn off, with large black pixel rectangles about their nipply and crotchal regions. See, you know they’re lesbians because they’re naked! It reminds me of a story Weekly World News printed maybe about 1997 (I actually have a stack of the things, never having thrown one out, but I fear to look through them (and not just because they themselves are beneath a stack of turn-of-the-century MAD magazines)) about a gay cow-boy. How can you tell he’s gay? Because he rides a horse while just wearing underwear, and, to a lesser extent, from his mustache.
Regarding the famous Super Nakio, he HAS to be naked. It’s part of his name. Naked is all he knows. He is impervious to clothing. Quite finkly, it would disgrace his family heritage were he to not be naked.
As an unfortunate post-script to this thing I wrote today and not one year and 364 days ago and did not forget about, I decided that you really needed a picture of Super Nakio in action, and I could not find it among the huge archive of asinine mario hacks I downloaded [fairly recently]. I then looked-over a presumably more recently updated rom site, and giggle-searched for the phrase “super nakio” or just “nakio” itself, perhaps hoping to find it mentioned in someone’s online resume. Ehhh, no dicks dice.* The only result I could find for it was this page in which somebody complains about someone searching for super nakio. I am always glad to help. But it is my sad conclusion that Super Nakio does not, in fact, exist. Not that there is a shortage of hacks in which Mario is naked, just none called “Nakio.” Alas.
First brought to my attention eight years ago on this page, it seemed to me perfectly reasonable to assume Nakio was real, and all this time I never for a moment considered the possibility that maybe, just maybe, he was not to be. There may be Super Naked Badminton, Naked Little Mermaid and Super Nazi Penis Cartel Freedom Fighters 3 (and there are), but no nakio. It is but a legend, a story of hope passed down from a harsher yet somehow more optimistic time. Nakio lives in our hearts, at least. Now I am upset and desire ice cream. *I also am ashamed and desire eggrolls.
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It was never my intention to have a Nakio eulogy at the top of my page for longer than a few hours, much less two days. But sometimes that’s just the way things are.
The thing I am trying to put here is causing serious problems. I shall have to make it a normal web page. Unfortunately, there’s no excuse for a normal webpage to be that bad. Back to work, then…
I can’t blame software developers for focusing on new projects I don’t give three beans about when mass amounts of people besides myself are willing to give many more beans than three. My primary gripe at this time is with the few people willing to go to the trouble to make new levels, for old games, for free, who always feel compelled to out-impossible each other.
Do I? If I didn’t, could this have been avoided? I just wanted new levels.
I’d much prefer that to attempting to decipher some French “RPG” quack-job that from as best I can figure out isn’t that good with the best comprehension,
and inane Flash games that are even worse.
By the way, when I was going through a bunch of hacked metroid ROMs, just to see which changed this bit of text, a great joke occured to me. What is Samus’ favorite occult-influenced English heavuh metal rock band?
Black Zebeth!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA H AH A HAH AH AH AHAH AHAH AH A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA H
This reminds m whoopth. I forgot to undo the font tag. Good thing I caught that in time. Let me start again. This reminds me of oh gosh, I left the italics on too. Now then, this reminds me that… What reminded me of what? I forgot.
Oh, a couple of times, back on gigglebounce I copied long stretches of text about Timecube and I made the font really big and forgot to close the tags and the whole page got huge, and Timmy said it was like World 4 in Super Mario Brothers 3 and I edited the post but then the system told me I needed to “rebuild the files” but I couldn’t because I wasn’t an administrator, but later Hilary gave me administrator access because I was always whining about not being able to rebuild the files, but I never messed up the font again and I felt bad for mentioning it, and I still don’t know what “rebuild the files” means. I never have to rebuild the files here. I might need to rebuild this paragraph, though. Remind me later.
With Metroid, I understand that the one available editing machine does not allow for the altering of key locations or their specific functions, nor the creation of additional room types. The extent to which you can be original pretty much ends with stupid mazes. I understand that. No, it’s the Legend of Zelda nerds I’m mad at.
There’s a thing called… ehhh… pardon me, remembering how I ruined that page with a giant font has made me most unwell. I cannot continue.
oOH, here’s another one: what did Samus say after finding out that she had to go through a whole new zone to reach Ridley?
Hey, Norfair!
AH HA HAHAHA HA HA HAHA AHAH AHA HAH Aiche.
I feel better already.
Taste my wrath!
Graaaaaaaaargh!
Suffer for the crimes of your ancestors!
Ha ha ha, ho ho ho, hee hee hee, heh heh, heh…
. . . . . . . . . . . .
I have depressed myself. I have to go lie down.
We (“we” being me plus at least one other person) went through a few Nintendo Entertainment Systems in the old days. All the dust particles that built up due to the machine’s cartridge door being held open by the object also holding the game down because the spring-lock was broken probably did not help. Lincoln logs, legos, Sega Genesis games, many items held the honor of this holding. Various “game cleaning” devices may also have found at last a legitimate use in this role.
The games themselves similarly suffered. There were some, like Air Fortress, which always worked, either due to disuse or simple irony, but the older ones were a different delaware. I actually had mapped out in my mind which glitch patterns and colors meant Legend of Zelda was how close to starting up properly. A blank blue screen was bad. That was the furthest from function. I knew when it started being gray and occasionally showing white dashes it was almost working. The NES we got later, unfortunately, defaulted to a blank grey screen so it was really hard to know how much more blowing needed to be done. We had to replace the first NES, as I said, because its spring-lock broke. Its door had also broken, but that didn’t really matter since that wouldn’t stay closed while the game was being held down. Though the second’s spring also broke, we were cautious enough to see that the door remained intact. By that time we had moved on to leaving control devices in stupid places and letting them get stepped on. Big kid stuff. (that’s noise)
Good old Legend of Zelda. This was the version without the “hold reset or lose data!” warning.
This warning was added to the later issues of the game without the gold cartridges, which has me mystified, as it doesn’t look at all expensive to have produced. All the more mystifying is that the absense of silence, which is also golden, ought to have resolved any budgetary issues. Perhaps this is golden wisdom.
There were some graphic errors with which the game was playable, like vertical white lines, and others which I knew not to bother with, like the horizontal orange lines which gradually spread from the upper left corner to cover the whole screen. My cousin Patrick called that “the ozone layer,” and I never questioned it. I don’t think I ever questioned a thing he told me, even though 53.7% of it was rubbish, and that’s a bit more than half. I believe it was from a friend of his that I learned the “blow in the cartridge” trick. You know, that great trick that never worked one time. We did that for six years.
It’s impossible to say to what extent this sort of thing contributed to my lifelong fear of being sent to prison. Incidentally, Patrick also told me that the creature with wings is named The Guy Who Flies With His Pants On. It makes sense; why fly with your pants off, if you have pants?
Different games had different diseases, but all suffered from the ozone layer. It is a good thing I never heard that aerosol sprays “depleted ozone” until later, as I would probably have found myself emptying those directly into cartridges in lieu of plain inefficient mouth-driven air and thought myself quite clever. Mmmm.
Sometimes there would be “good” lines at the start, but then ozone would slowly start sneaking in. Of course I was always in denial about it. I would pretend not to notice it, and hope that it would go away. Alas, ozone is all around us, and is in all places at all times, so it really cannot go anywhere. Even if it could, Ozone Road was a mere two blocks from my place of business, Olympus Battling business, so its fearsome layer could return before long. It did.
There was a period when I was just grateful to get a certain intendo tape, as the people I liked less liked to say more, working for a few minutes. There was one Metroid password that I entered so many times that I actually memorized it and no longer needed to consult the birth certificate or Abraham Lincoln autographed picture I had written it over. It wasn’t even a good password. I think it had one energy tank and fifteen missiles, in the second part of Norfair without the high-jump boots.
BOOTS, I said! Why, in a situation which involved boots, and you had space on the screen to print “boots,” would you not do so? I guess I’m just old.
Newer Legend of Zelda cartridge side-by-side with picture I found online of older Legend of Zelda. Obviously taken by an amateur, who set it up in an environment with minimal light reflection or whatever, so the precious metal exterior just resembles plastic painted to be a goldish color.
Newer Legend of Zelda side-by-side with earlier picture I took depicting itself and gold cartridge picture. Despite the tape issue, not I nor anyone I had or yet have met called these things “carts.” I remember getting an occasional issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly magazine between 1992 and 1996 and wondering what video games had to do with driving around in little mechanical cars or transporting groceries.
I also wondered if Mike Weigand was really a Battletoad.
How Blackthorne could be “game of the month” in any situation had not yet occurred to me to ponder. I mean, you can’t even draw your gun when climbing up a ledge. I hate that. For shame!
Oh, and Gary Coleman did own an arcade at the time this magazine was printed, but I assure you Mike thought he was being every bit as hilarious dropping the name then as he would today.
I have obtained the list of 2007’s worst selling video games. Although 2007 has yet to conclude, I feel these are reliable figures, much like the organizers of the Live, Earth! concertos wrote up reports in advance boasting of their 2 billion viewers. Although I have been forbidden from publishing this list on the penalty of fines and unfriending, I believe four or five members of the public have a right to know.
Regretroid
Mario Kartographer
Quake ‘n Bake
Age of Humidifiers
Animal Crossdressing
Baldur’s Fence
Hello
Baywatch NiGHTS
Secret of Mundane Island
Tom Clancy’s Piles of Cash
Betrayal at Condo
Smash Brothers Pele (except in Brazil)
Donny Most Recon
Mr. Don’t Bother
Earthblount
Madden 0Canada
Addworld: Abe’s Exponents
Marble Vs. Capcom
Spy Vs. Pie
Crack Ho the Dolphin
Harpoonstruck
Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo
Where in the Room is Carmen Sandiego?
Earthworm Gym
Final Fantasy Spastics
American McGee’s Name
Duke Snookums
Double Drag
Return to Condo (I Forgot my Keys)
Hooked on Phonics the Hedgehog
Space Inaners
Bubble Bob Dole
Quest for Maury: So you want to have a paternity test
The Colonel’s Breakfast
Super Mario All-Sars
Super Mario All-Bill Mahers
Oops! Super Mario All-Berries
Panzer Brigadoon
Code Name: Vapo-Rub
Tales of Phanphiction
Oh, this is hardly over.