oh beans

Worst Selling Video Games volume 8

featuring fantastic items that I didn’t think were good enough for previous entries, such as

dinette set willy

peter crack habit

dynamite dukakis

Baldur’s gated community

the winding of a clock

wing orderer

blister mister

resident emu

alex kidd in rehab

deadly howards

wild armpits

dino dini’s teeny dinosaur diner

ultima quest of the salad bar

chester cheetah too mutilated to be recognizable

mavis beacon lettuce and tomato

shining the holyoke massachussetts

the hypertension heist

Snoop Punky Skunk

kid incarcerated

battle of a limpet

rub-a-dub-dub-terrania

pirates of duck water

metal ear

god of chores

red dead loaf of bread

beyond ore ida

renegatorade

befrienders of the crown

knights of the clown

Cheerios of the Lance

backgammon arkham asylum

Huggy Bear and the Ho Gang Bang Antonio Fargas is Missing Mario Vargas Llosa’s Time Machine One Maywether and his Floyd pie by the sorbet kirby’s well-trimmed yard pizza tower can’tra wobble wagon

part 1
part 2
part 3
part 4
part 5
part 6
part 7 wasn’t that long ago!

can it be mere coincidence that Tucky Carlson was terminated from Fox News only days after I linked him to mortimewde stapleton meepmire? Yes, but I shall pretend otherwise until I can get meepmire somehow terminated from existence.

hey look it’s

Worst Selling Video Games volume 7

bravely default on your mortgage

a boy and his job

bengazi warriors

david crane’s amazing dentist

stop & shop’n music

space partitioners

super smash bronchitis

profoundly mediocre giana sisters

the guardian nemitz

shining whores

phonograph recca

schtickmaster

charlie cristalis

marvel super sneeros

fantastic dentures of dizzy

bad dudes vs good dudes

papal mario

super mario land 2: six geese-a-laying

Hey Punk! Are you MARK A RUFFALO

uncharted wafers

road trash

nobunaga’s air conditioner

argylevania 2: simon’s sweatervest

catch it and spank

lode punner

kuros: delusions of grandeur

jazz jack

chortle kombat

simshanty

shitty connection

aghast ninja

nincompoop gaiden

shinobee 52

revolution eggs

arby’s baseball

yie arby’s kungfood

Rygarby’s

Jackie Chan’s Action Tomfoolery

sylvan failure

desert strike: return to the picket line

blake scab: planet strikebreaker

Bubblo the Relaxobath

bubble bible

Chrono Sauce

part 1
part 2
part 3
part 4
part 5
part 6 I can’t believe I used Five Weekends at Bernie’s already
part 8 comes after this one!

Worst Selling Video Games part 6

Yoshi’s Snory

Paul of Duty

Slop ‘n Twinpee

Unpeel Tournament

Mutual Followknight

Low Cheese Man

Pluto Nash TV

Double Chuckwagon

The Bitcher

Sandusktiny

Fontra: Hard Kern

Legacy of the Gizzard
I can’t believe i didn’t use legacy of the gizzard before

Policesnots

Gunstar Hearing Aids

Mario Divorpg: Legend of the Seven Year Itch

Paper Mario: The Thousand Island Dressing

Monty on the Bus

Saturday Night Graham Crackers

Demon’s Crest Toothpaste

Liver City Rancid

Five Weekends at Bernie’s

Fetal Fury

Caillou: Mark of the Worst

Afterbirther

Doki Doki Pandemic

Sonic and Mario not at the Olympic Games that Were Cancelled due to Covid and besides just LOOK at Mario no chance he qualified

Arby’s Dreamland

Quilty Gear

Ernest goes to Evans

Crash Team Irrigating

Unfair Fortress

Starfox News

Gun Snac

Great Giana Blisters

A Corn and His Cob

Jungle 2 Jungle Strike

Moraff’s Morejong-un

Simsettee

Die By The Sod

Adventures of Lolowell Weicker

I have far too many of these

part 1
part 2
part 3
part 4
part 5 I can’t believe I used “turriduccan” before
part 7 comes after this one
part 8 comes even afterer this one

worst selling video games part 5
part 1
part 2
part 3
part 4

Hasslevania

Phantasy Starve

Lentil Gear

Cruel Spot

Turtles in Grime

Sash TV

Sucking Crew

Leafal Inforesters

Margaret Snatcher

Recliner Dash

The Lost Vicodin

Darrow the Aclubat

Chakan: The Piano Man

Breathalyzer of the Wild

Turok Dinosaur Stumper

League of Ledgers

Chunderpail

Mario Quaker

Felt-a-nun

Epic Hickey

Ruffle Knight

Twattoon

Overwatched

Tandy Crush

Call of Snooty

Yoshi’s Crackhead World

Eldercare Scrolls: Daggerfallen and I Can’t Get Up

Pants vs Zombies

Super Floors ‘n Grouts

Turriduckan

Plaidical Rex

Mega Man Aches

Sonic and the Black Lung

Kirk Fogger

Leggo my Eggo Star Wars

Putt Putt goes to the Loo

Forgotten Wurst

Chrono Floss

Kingdom Ozarks

Bart Vs. the Space Heater

Comma and Conquer

Lemons 2: The Limes

No Man’s Pie

Tales of Sweater Vestiny

Resident Emo Phillips

Stunt Racism FX

Defender of the Jim Crown

Clean Your Room: Total Chore

Lowell Name: Weicker

part 1
part 2
part 3

At last, the non-awaited fourth installment to “Worst Selling Video Games.” This is, incidentally, my worst selling recurring feature.

Kirby’s Dream Lard

Space Hairier

Tim Meadow of Honor

Arrrgh-Type

Sadius

Remembered Worlds

Resident Weeble

Pocket Protector Knight Adventures

Ristard

Biosmock

Havest Moron

Super Nap Brothers Snawr

Embrionic Commando

Megamap

Tacky Wheels

Magic of Cher

Kilnation Instinct Breakfast

Prince of Purses

Street Fighter Tuba

Grand Theft Auto on Ice City

Nightquack

Tomb Waiter

Tears for Fears of War

No One Lisps Forever

Capital Gains Taxanadu

Knuckles Arthritix

Earthbrown

Sim Gritty

Raid on Bumbeling Bee

Tetanustris

Shiren the Wonderer

Whining in the Darkness

Landsquawker

Secretion of Mana

Skyrofoamrim

King’s Kvetch

Contrabass Effect

Blaster Mustard

part 5

When the movie Dragon Train (3-28-2020: I meant “How to train your dragon,” which i point out 10 years later because reading this now *I* wasn’t immediately sure what movie I meant then, but I am obsessive compulsive enough to toss in this long, even more confusing digression than to simply change how i referred to the film) was first being promoted my mother asked me, for a reason I have not yet deduced, if it had been available when I was larva years old I might have been similarly infatuated with it as I was with the 1973 post-Disney edition of Robin Hood. I do not think this would be the case. EVERYBODY in that movie is a dumb animal. As I opwhined a long time ago on the subject of Pokaymon and its various contemporaries, we’re never allowed to have just the monsters taking the focus. There always need to be some tiny human kids with magical powers bossing them around. The movie I saw recently thankfully depicted the pertinent tiny human kid doing it out of necessity and possibly friendship, rather than merely because he has a sick fascination with beating up every other fingerless-glove’d adversary’s own monsters.

This movie also lacks my own arbitrary childhud fixations, the green floaty diamond-shape logo and Sireaganol. The famous Sireaganol.

At one point the bear puts on a different silly costume than usual and approaches the king and introduces himself as that. I didn’t hear “Sir Reginald,” some ordinary noble figure of no import. I heard Sireaganol, one word, some great and powerful name whose significance is never explained, but it must belong to someone important, maybe just BECAUSE it isn’t explained; I really ought to know who it is already. He’s so great that he can wander out from behind some bushes like a tramp, approach a place of royalty without being accosted by guards, announce that he is Sireaganol and sit next to the king. This is particularly notable for being the only scene without swords or bows in it that I had any interest in as a small child, just because of Sireaganol. I had no idea what he was talking about to the king nor why, but Sireaganol is not bound by necessity. Sireaganol and I have much in common, although I dislike mustaches for myself and I wear my monocle on the other side, and only when watching 3d movies.

I often take issue with neologisms, because issues are what I take. Who decided that misheard bits of speech are “mondegreens?” ONE person did, and now everybody has to call it that. Why don’t we call them Sireaganols instead? Because I may decide that it is I who heard correctly, and everyone else who is wrong.

My mondegreen quarrel is similar to my tiff with tv tropes, another baffling website that doesn’t need my help (and won’t get it), in which one infallible oaf arbitrarily decides that a supporting character who wears a gauntlet is a The Quacksmash Sammy and any time somebody makes a sandwich with boomerangs instead of breaded chicken cutlets that’s called Dancing With the Hamburglar and a story about a hunt for treasure that no one gets to keep is a Big Bird Bar Mitzvah. No! I refuse to call them that! I’m also not going to read the three hundred exception-riddled examples of these occurring that all happened to be from shows aimed at five year-olds as analyzed by people two decades outside the target demographic. No spriggety, Fairy Oddlyparents is full of lame cliches because it’s not meant to be watched by people who already have a quarter century of cartoon viewing experience. Anyway, back to talking animals in a medieval England devoid of death, disease and monarchs who actually live in France.

It’s curious that even with my own spelling of Sireaganol is so close to “Sir Reginald” I didn’t quite make the connection until somewhere around twice as old as I was then or half as old as I am now. Even after that I continued to keep it in my memory. At the time when the thing I call nemitz was “Chesterfield Snapdragon McFisticuff,” I imagined that the thing I now call elpse might have been “Sireaganol Rumpole McFisticuff.” I reneged on this because I remembered that anything related to or inspired by Disney, whether they did it deliberately or otherwise was and is evil, and also that nobody liked green chesterfield anyway and thus a grand name the likes of Sireagonal would be inappropriate even if it hadn’t been invented in a Disney movie, and I’m never going to stop using Ms DOS based operating systems. You might also detect by the repetition of McFisticuff that I intended for the characters to be related. I did. I’m not sure if they still are. Possibly. I’m certain they’re not really really Scottish, however. I know they’re a bunch of uneducated bog-dwellers, but the mere thought of the annoying exaggerated accents they would need to have if I made a cartoon version forbids that.

One thing I am certain of which I discovered today is that the governess hen in the movie is named Klucky. With a K. Although the obvious error in Sireaganol’s name above and

“hand her a bouquet” being transcribed as “under a bookcase” may give me reason to doubt the accuracy of the captioneer’s work, I cannot deny that I heard something very much like “Klucky,” which is reason for alarm whatever consonants are involved.



If anything that’s Miss Klucky to you. The discreetness with which you conceal your ears does not distract me from your obvious lack of discipline.

Regarding the floaty green diamond-shape thing introduction sequence, I linked to the one I did because I like how defiantly the symbol freezes on the screen for about thirteen seconds, just long enough for you to resign yourself to standing up and seeking out the fast forward button because your vcr didn’t come with a remote control object only to have it end abruptly once you initiate action, followed by the longest youtube comment quasversation about absolutely nothing and without any racism I’ve yet encountered.

The thing I remembered so fondly was an old even then, and I now realize incredibly cheap “Disney Classics” home video line logo. It is commonly referred to as the “black diamond logo,” but both of us can see it’s clearly blue, so let’s not argue about that. Despite my familiarity, I never owned a copy of Robin Hood on VHS. Although I must have made my parents rent it enough times to cover the cost, I now realize that if they had bought me a copy it could only have been of the later edition, which I would not have tolerated, and as someone with two younger siblings who had their own favorite movies that we DID own copies of, I reckon if I’d had such easy access my own older brother would have hated me a few years earlier than I actually turned retarded around 9 or so.

I couldn’t read, but the cassette itself always had a tiny version of the pertinent logo printed on its label, so I KNEW before it even went in the VCR. Dangerous times. The later version of the tape had a different opening which featured a blue speck leaving a stain in the shape of the ol’ Walter’s name, flying off from the presenting hand of an immobile Mickey Mouse dressed like a druid. I already owned tapes with that logo on it! Unsatisfactory. Of note is that the green, cheap logo’s appearance features several blatant backward ‘S’es, things that would taunt me in successive years, but I did not notice them then; I was too preoccupied with what an entertaining anecdote this all would make twenty years later. I may even mention it twice. In fact, this was such a great story I don’t even feel like transitioning into the me-not-liking-normal-people’s-music themed material I threatened you with last time. Golly!

But speaking of dragons,

I am not afraid of this one. In fact, I’m generally not impressed by any gold thing that I can buy for five dollars. You will serve ME. You will do MY bidding! And you will also deliver my seller feedback.



The wimp isn’t even as big as that dumb bird! It’s so ashamed that it wants to vomit. Hey bird, how would you like to come work for me? I’ll pay you $7.50.
The only thing that could be cheaper than golden dragon is…

OH NO, FLAPSAIL
I apologize in advance if FLAPSAIL does not attain the same cult status within my mind as Deadly Armor.

I still don’t hear a D in Sireaganol.

Speaking of backs, I will be on Monday, but for now I must go. Oh, ho ho die.

==================================

Good old Mxy “Maxwell Yezpitelok” Frebunkulus of the Bizarre Webcomic had a clever thing which he wrote posted on the website of the apparently now solvent crack’d. You may pretend some of the half million or so views on that were due to my pointing it out.

Speaking of dragons, because I was last time and just put that other note first because my leech sense tells me to mention people I sort of know who get exposure on popular websites although not that time Bridgeport Cat did it because she was writing under a pseudonym although that’s also a pseudonym and in any event AAAAACH I’VE BEEN PICKLED

speaking of dragons, I’m not, because this is at the end of the entry, but originally it was at top, and I did go on to say something about them dumb lizards, but I took too long getting there so I re positioned this at the end, where it is currently.
========================================

I’ve been awake too long.

Yes, unnamed orange font commentator, “Disney has done it again.”
Opening today, which is apparently last week, is Beverly Hills Chihuahuahuahuahua. This is an exciting period we live in. It’s time for a whole new generation of kids to get sick of chihuahua jokes. I never thought I’d get to a point where I was nostalgic for the tasteful subtlety of the Taco Bell dog.
This brings together so many of disney’s favorite things: kidnapped dogs, talking dogs, affluent communities and racial stereotypes which are still socially acceptable to tackily exploit.

It is my personal belief that no terribly intelligent movie has been made in which a dog is kidnapped. Yet Disney has molded pretty much a genre out of that happening. The decision to have them kidnapped into Mexico was no doubt inspired by the unsatisfactory mortality rate when they are kidnapped to cold places.

I imagine some point in the distant future when I will say to my brothers’ grandchildren, “why, I can still remember when there were only seven Air Bud sequels!”
A wise human, the wisest, in fact, once remarked “Talking dog could enslave humanity.” Maybe this is how. I have to think that with every year we, as a species, become less and less valuable as potential slaves due to that which we occupy our time and so develop various strengths and senses with, but it may be enough simply to have us unable to fight back. Ehhh, and yet I am suddenly wondering how the Beverly Hills chihuahuas will return home without use of, as the Airbuddies* wikipedia page puts it, “the uncanny ability to play every sport.” Is it worth nine dollars, what remains of my self-respect and possible tyrannical dominion by wise-crackin’ four legged overlords to find out?

Oh deef, what have I done?

*according to my periodic table of video game elements, the next movie, Earth Buddies, will involve the dogs being kidnapped by mole people, only to be rescued at the end and taken yet further down by Satan, hinting at the inevitable follow up Fire Buddies.


One thing I hate (I’m glad it’s just the one!) about ‘blogs’ is their tendency to, as a collective unit, constantly re-use the same picture while making the exact same commentless acknowledgments of popular news stories and filling up google image search with useless copies. For example, I recently wanted a picture of a rat ear and all I could find were numerous instances of the exact same picture of some poor mutated rodent with a human ear stuck to its back. “Mouse ear” gave the same, despite quite a few actual differences between rats and mice. Most evident here, that “rat ear” does not bring follow up results for stupid Disney World hats. And so I thought a dog ear would do just as well. Specifically from a chihuahua sort of dog, but in all honesty I was worried about turning up pictures related to recent media I may or may not just have complained about. So I searched for “dog ear” and got pictures of fences for some reason. Rage. That makes about as much sense as political commentary from the Scary Movie 4 team.

Oh, are we doing this today? Very well, if I must. I suppose it’s either this or whine about Sarah Palin again, ehhh? That’s good in limited amounts, but It’s like Junior Mints. But fear not: this is slightly less horrible than the last thing I hid under an “aw naw” link. I’m just trying to cut down on bandwidth. Because I use so much.
Aw naw!

I have obtained the list of 2007’s worst selling video games. Although 2007 has yet to conclude, I feel these are reliable figures, much like the organizers of the Live, Earth! concertos wrote up reports in advance boasting of their 2 billion viewers. Although I have been forbidden from publishing this list on the penalty of fines and unfriending, I believe four or five members of the public have a right to know.

Regretroid

Mario Kartographer

Quake ‘n Bake

Age of Humidifiers

Animal Crossdressing

Baldur’s Fence

Hello

Baywatch NiGHTS

Secret of Mundane Island

Tom Clancy’s Piles of Cash

Betrayal at Condo

Smash Brothers Pele (except in Brazil)

Donny Most Recon

Mr. Don’t Bother

Earthblount

Madden 0Canada

Addworld: Abe’s Exponents

Marble Vs. Capcom

Spy Vs. Pie

Crack Ho the Dolphin

Harpoonstruck

Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo Puyo

Where in the Room is Carmen Sandiego?

Earthworm Gym

Final Fantasy Spastics

American McGee’s Name

Duke Snookums

Double Drag

Return to Condo (I Forgot my Keys)

Hooked on Phonics the Hedgehog

Space Inaners

Bubble Bob Dole

Quest for Maury: So you want to have a paternity test

The Colonel’s Breakfast

Super Mario All-Sars

Super Mario All-Bill Mahers

Oops! Super Mario All-Berries

Panzer Brigadoon

Code Name: Vapo-Rub

Tales of Phanphiction

More of that sort of thing

Oh, this is hardly over.