Howdy. Mystic Ark here. But you can call me Mark. Now i know what you’re thinking: “hey you’re not THE mystic ark, you’re just some weird giant face above a doorway on the box art.” that is true, but it still synecdochely makes me THE face OF Mystic Ark. And now you’re probably thinking “okay whatever synecdochebag” which shows even more ignorance on your part since synecdoche isn’t actually pronounced like that! But we’re getting off-topic. In fact I hadn’t even introduced a topic because your presumptuous arrogance prevented me from doing so. you know what, I don’t even want to talk to you.

You can talk to that tiny lady coming through my doorway to stab you. what that’s a man? man. I can never tell with Japanese sword-grasping hero types. Yeah I came out (not the GAY way, I’m no homo) in 1994, it was WEIRD for men to wear skirts, okay? In my personal opinion men belong in trousers and women belong in the kitchen, ha ha know what I mean? Now don’t ask me what the game Mystic Ark is about, I don’t speak foreigner. I got to the part with the kitty pirates but couldn’t figure out where to go next. Too bad I never met any of those naked little fairies on my shoulders phwoar know what I mean? Wha? there’s been an English translation patch since 2009? Well of course I didn’t know that, I’m a goldurned FACE on a gate. I don’t get out much. Also I don’t support copyright infringement. If you downloaded a Mystic Ark rom I WILL send our lawyers, with swords, through my gate, to get you, and if you patch the rom with unofficial content that’s even illegaler pal, in which event you can NOT be my pal. You can’t even be my NTSC. ha ha ha yeah too inside, I know. You don’t get to laugh because you aren’t my pal. In fact you can’t even call me Mark anymore.

hey calm down, Kitty P! Like take a chill pill homeslice, know what I’m sayin’? Because I sure don’t know what you’re sayin’! Fa ha ha. This is the best entry ever on this website.