May 12, 2010

I’ve been awake too long.


Good old Mxy “Maxwell Yezpitelok” Frebunkulus of the Bizarre Webcomic had a clever thing which he wrote posted on the website of the apparently now solvent crack’d. You may pretend some of the half million or so views on that were due to my pointing it out.

Speaking of dragons, because I was last time and just put that other note first because my leech sense tells me to mention people I sort of know who get exposure on popular websites although not that time Bridgeport Cat did it because she was writing under a pseudonym although that’s also a pseudonym and in any event AAAAACH I’VE BEEN PICKLED

When the movie Dragon Train was first being promoted my mother asked me, for a reason I have not yet deduced, if it had been available when I was larva years old I might have been similarly infatuated with it as I was with the 1973 post-Disney edition of Robin Hood. I do not think this would be the case. EVERYBODY in that movie is a dumb animal. As I opwhined a long time ago on the subject of Pokaymon and its various contemporaries, we’re never allowed to have just the monsters taking the focus. There always need to be some tiny human kids with magical powers bossing them around. The movie I saw recently thankfully depicted the pertinent tiny human kid doing it out of necessity and possibly friendship, rather than merely because he has a sick fascination with beating up every other fingerless-glove’d adversary’s own monsters.

This movie also lacks my own arbitrary childhud fixations, the green floaty diamond-shape logo and Sireaganol. The famous Sireaganol.

At one point the bear puts on a different silly costume than usual and approaches the king and introduces himself as that. I didn’t hear “Sir Reginald,” some ordinary noble figure of no import. I heard Sireaganol, one word, some great and powerful name whose significance is never explained, but it must belong to someone important, maybe just BECAUSE it isn’t explained; I really ought to know who it is already. He’s so great that he can wander out from behind some bushes like a tramp, approach a place of royalty without being accosted by guards, announce that he is Sireaganol and sit next to the king. This is particularly notable for being the only scene without swords or bows in it that I had any interest in as a small child, just because of Sireaganol. I had no idea what he was talking about to the king nor why, but Sireaganol is not bound by necessity. Sireaganol and I have much in common, although I dislike mustaches for myself and I wear my monocle on the other side, and only when watching 3d movies.

I often take issue with neologisms, because issues are what I take. Who decided that misheard bits of speech are “mondegreens?” ONE person did, and now everybody has to call it that. Why don’t we call them Sireaganols instead? Because I may decide that it is I who heard correctly, and everyone else who is wrong.

My mondegreen quarrel is similar to my tiff with tv tropes, another baffling website that doesn’t need my help (and won’t get it), in which one infallible oaf arbitrarily decides that a supporting character who wears a gauntlet is a The Quacksmash Sammy and any time somebody makes a sandwich with boomerangs instead of breaded chicken cutlets that’s called Dancing With the Hamburglar and a story about a hunt for treasure that no one gets to keep is a Big Bird Bar Mitzvah. No! I refuse to call them that! I’m also not going to read the three hundred exception-riddled examples of these occurring that all happened to be from shows aimed at five year-olds as analyzed by people two decades outside the target demographic. No spriggety, Fairy Oddlyparents is full of lame cliches because it’s not meant to be watched by people who already have a quarter century of cartoon viewing experience. Anyway, back to talking animals in a medieval England devoid of death, disease and monarchs who actually live in France.

It’s curious that even with my own spelling of Sireaganol is so close to “Sir Reginald” I didn’t quite make the connection until somewhere around twice as old as I was then or half as old as I am now. Even after that I continued to keep it in my memory. At the time when the thing I call nemitz was “Chesterfield Snapdragon McFisticuff,” I imagined that the thing I now call elpse might have been “Sireaganol Rumpole McFisticuff.” I reneged on this because I remembered that anything related to or inspired by Disney, whether they did it deliberately or otherwise was and is evil, and also that nobody liked green chesterfield anyway and thus a grand name the likes of Sireagonal would be inappropriate even if it hadn’t been invented in a Disney movie, and I’m never going to stop using Ms DOS based operating systems. You might also detect by the repetition of McFisticuff that I intended for the characters to be related. I did. I’m not sure if they still are. Possibly. I’m certain they’re not really really Scottish, however. I know they’re a bunch of uneducated bog-dwellers, but the mere thought of the annoying exaggerated accents they would need to have if I made a cartoon version forbids that.

One thing I am certain of which I discovered today is that the governess hen in the movie is named Klucky. With a K. Although the obvious error in Sireaganol’s name above and

“hand her a bouquet” being transcribed as “under a bookcase” may give me reason to doubt the accuracy of the captioneer’s work, I cannot deny that I heard something very much like “Klucky,” which is reason for alarm whatever consonants are involved.

If anything that’s Miss Klucky to you. The discreetness with which you conceal your ears does not distract me from your obvious lack of discipline.

Regarding the floaty green diamond-shape thing introduction sequence, I linked to the one I did because I like how defiantly the symbol freezes on the screen for about thirteen seconds, just long enough for you to resign yourself to standing up and seeking out the fast forward button because your vcr didn’t come with a remote control object only to have it end abruptly once you initiate action, followed by the longest youtube comment quasversation about absolutely nothing and without any racism I’ve yet encountered.

The thing I remembered so fondly was an old even then, and I now realize incredibly cheap “Disney Classics” home video line logo. It is commonly referred to as the “black diamond logo,” but both of us can see it’s clearly blue, so let’s not argue about that. Despite my familiarity, I never owned a copy of Robin Hood on VHS. Although I must have made my parents rent it enough times to cover the cost, I now realize that if they had bought me a copy it could only have been of the later edition, which I would not have tolerated, and as someone with two younger siblings who had their own favorite movies that we DID own copies of, I reckon if I’d had such easy access my own older brother would have hated me a few years earlier than I actually turned retarded around 9 or so.

I couldn’t read, but the cassette itself always had a tiny version of the pertinent logo printed on its label, so I KNEW before it even went in the VCR. Dangerous times. The later version of the tape had a different opening which featured a blue speck leaving a stain in the shape of the ol’ Walter’s name, flying off from the presenting hand of an immobile Mickey Mouse dressed like a druid. I already owned tapes with that logo on it! Unsatisfactory. Of note is that the green, cheap logo’s appearance features several blatant backward ‘S’es, things that would taunt me in successive years, but I did not notice them then; I was too preoccupied with what an entertaining anecdote this all would make twenty years later. I may even mention it twice. In fact, this was such a great story I don’t even feel like transitioning into the me-not-liking-normal-people’s-music themed material I threatened you with last time. Golly!

But speaking of dragons,

I am not afraid of this one. In fact, I’m generally not impressed by any gold thing that I can buy for five dollars. You will serve ME. You will do MY bidding! And you will also deliver my seller feedback.

The wimp isn’t even as big as that dumb bird! It’s so ashamed that it wants to vomit. Hey bird, how would you like to come work for me? I’ll pay you $7.50.
The only thing that could be cheaper than golden dragon is…

I apologize in advance if FLAPSAIL does not attain the same cult status within my mind as Deadly Armor.

I still don’t hear a D in Sireaganol.

Speaking of backs, I will be on Monday, but for now I must go. Oh, ho ho die.

6 Responses
  1. 1
    11:05 am, May 13, 2010

    Spiyda Boi's PR officer sez:

    You should, like, totally include names of the games where the screenshots come from, which you frequently post in these updates, maybe in a list at the end of the update or summit. If it’s not too much hassle. I had to right click and click on ‘properties’ on order to find one of the above screenshots was from Coryoon! And that’s no good!

  2. 2
    9:56 pm, May 15, 2010

    Mxy Frebunkulus sez:

    Thank you for linking to the thing I wrote, which Sylvester then turned clever. Back when the Nature Boys pillaged the Cracked forums, a sorry event that ended with a moderator called Large Marge calling one mister Flopwutz Gigglesgruben’s office, I warned them that one day I would come back and make them pay me 50 dollars.

  3. 3
    10:04 pm, May 17, 2010

    Rabivit sez:

    Oh, comments! I will be sure to get at them later. For now, how, ever, comes a sleep attempt.

  4. 4
    4:20 pm, May 18, 2010

    Hejmrink sez:

    I take no responsibility for Coryoon being no good!
    I generally think the images are most effective when not explained, but a list seen afterward doesn’t seem like a bad compromise. I’m going to use some ninja turtles in the next update however and they seem not worth identifying.

    ah yes, I had almost forgotten about that! Also that you had been involved with it, but that makes sense, though. I don’t recall it with enough clarity to know if you’re being facetious about the telephone call; it seems ridiculous but stupider things have happened, many of them without the involvement of either of us. Good luck with your future cracking!

  5. 5
    12:22 am, May 19, 2010

    Mxy Fresomething sez:

    I’ve done some digging and apparently they didn’t exactly call him, but they did post this:

    “M. Flop Gigglesgruben, se il vous plaît appeler les bureaux de Fissurage à 1-800-749-7733 Ext. 1199.
    Finissons-en plus avec EN PAIX “.

    They were clearly desperate. We even made the newsletter:
    Sam, 18 août 2001 22:55:07 -0400 (EDT)
    [email protected]é.com
    Bonjour fans FISSURÉ
    Ok voici l’affaire, les FISSURÉ Forums ont été mis à jour et le regard changé pour refléter le reste du site. Les conseils sont là pour votre convience et de plaisir. Jouissance légitime. Hier soir, nos conseils ont été inondées par quelques personnes avec un tas de bêtises et charabia. Cela a causé beaucoup d’erreurs internes. Nous travaillons toujours sur les bugs.
    Ceci est pour ceux d’entre vous qui insistent sur l’inondation des conseils, vous serez éliminé et bannis! Vous ne serez pas en mesure de même vous inscrire avec un autre nom d’utilisateur.
    Aussi cela vaut pour ceux d’entre vous qui repoussent les limites et essayer de comprendre ce que les mots de notre webmaster peut avoir manqués à censurer.
    Ceci est une, et restera un environement amicale d’enfant.
    En outre nous avons désactivé l’option de signature, un peu décidé qu’ils voulaient publier une courte histoire comme thier signature. Nous nous excusons pour tout inconvénient que cela pourrait causer aux fans fidèles FISSURÉ.
    Aussi pour ceux d’entre vous qui ne peuvent pas se mettre d’accord avec le nouveau look, nous ne pouvons pas plaire à tout le monde.

    FISSURÉ personnel

  6. 6
    1:34 am, May 20, 2010

    Hejmrink sez:

    Ha ho, that’s something. You’re one of the great investigative reporters of our time. Although I suppose it’s easier to gather information when you’re one of the causes of the information. I should not wait until right before I go to sleep to respond to these.

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