Over the summer I’ve seen a lot of whining about the planned Geico cavemen tv show, and thankfully very little support, but a point a lot of people fail to acknowledge is that if the men don’t live in caves they’re not really cavemen. That’s bothered me ever since that second ad which showed three of them sharing an apartment together. Just the fact that the first one was an ad, naturally, bothered me, but the cave error itself did not become evident until later. Clearly the krippendorfs aren’t in a cave, so what are they so offended by? They’re just excessively hairy men with oddly shaped skulls, aren’t they? Unless they lived in caves recently, they can’t really claim it as part of their culture any more than I can. And if they did live in caves, like whole communities of them, just because they didn’t know any better, then they probably were kind of stupid, and likely lacked the computer skills the offending fake geico ad-within-an-ad implied they did not have.

How about Aliens in America? That has to be the worst tv show I swore long in advance never to watch with “Aliens in” in the title since Aliens in the Family. I’m personally tired of goofish overdone Indian accents. I don’t know how authentic this one is, but it certainly sounds a lot like the fake ones I’m sick of. In one ad the Indian, from India, a largely (but not entirely!) Hindu country, praises “Allah,” and over something trivial, so… yesh, probably expect some letters, in the event anyone watches. Why did I write that? I don’t know beets about religion and shouldn’t talk like I do. If anyone should be getting angry letters it is me. WHY WON’T ANYONE SEND ME ANGRY LETTERS? Considering it’s a country with people who’d set a bus on fire because the government doesn’t believe an army of monkeys built something thousands of years ago, there’s a chance some of them have similarly sensitve relatives over seas. Yikes, even if the monkeys did build it, they obviously aren’t using it now. I don’t see the problem. Yet there is one. I’m glad we don’t let banana snatchers in the army over here.

Another one I suspect less than the best from is every one. But specifically, there’s one just called Chuck. I will no longer tolerate no good oafs with no skills getting by on dumb luck all the time. Inspector Gadget, while illegally retarded had gimmicks and tricks; all Chuck has is his name. MacGyver, that was someone worth paying attention to. Chuck’s just “Chuck,” a name intentionally chosen to highlight how ordinary and low class the twerp is. Chuck is Everyman. I hate Everyman. Not every man, just everyman. There are decent men in the world, why does the one which represents all of them have to be a useless slob? I’ve never watched the Family Guy, not even when one of my personal idols Robert Bunny James II told me it was great, not even before all the popular people who hate it started saying so, but I easily can see that Family Guy himself is the least interesting person on the show named after him. The Kings of Queens and The Hill seem to barely not live out of dumpsters. What the gives?

Back to Chuck, Chuck meets a woman who is a spy, apparently good at what she does, and not a realistic spy, either; one of those action spies that does neat things, but of course the show can’t be named after or about her. And if it was it would have to be like an E Surance ad anyway, and no one smart wants that. Ideally this program will be canceled before woman disgraces her entire family and Everywoman (as portrayed by Chaka Kahn) by doing sex with Chuck. There’s also a movie called “Good Luck Chuck” which for all I know is about the same Chuck. I need less chuck in my life. If you tossed all them chucks in a wagon, I wouldn’t chase it.

I told you no! Help! Rape! Rape!

In short, I’m not impressed by ads for anything new, and I don’t want to be, since I watch too much junk anyway.

I also gratefully feel uninclined to observe Back to You. You (and I mean whatever “you” happens to be reading this, and not necessarily the same you addressed in the television program’s title) know, I never get tired of sabotaged teleprompter jokes. Ha ha, see, local news anchors, they’ll read anything you put in front of them, get it? Because people on local newses are dumb. That’s why they’re local. Not network news, though. Serious Business. Katie Couric, Matt Lauer, Terry Moran, Not Peter Jennings, Bob Costas, they’re professionals. Then there’s the Kelsey Grammer factor, which I’ve whined about plenty of times. Maybe he’s become less annoying in his time off a regular series. I may not even resent Back to You if it’s successful. Who knows, it may find itself added in future printings of National Lampoon’s Sunday Newspaper to the list of productions it swears ripped it off. But probably not! Exclamation point

Here’s how to know if you’re a conceited ass: you’ve ever referred to something you did in the past as a “Rosetta Stone.” I might as well call Umiliphus the Rosetta Stone of hacky celebrity cameos in sprite comics. That is, unless you can prove the ones with Bill Gates came first or that CATS from Zero Wing is a celebrity.
As unlikely as it is that some guys made some thing in the 1970s and then got suddenly re-involved 25 years later just to fellate their careers on the back cover of a book version, it’s not impossible to believe. Anyway, the word “lampoon” always made me mad.

By the rourke, don’t try and convince me two people are comedic geniuses and then tell me one works for Rolling Stone magazine and another wrote The Breakfast Club. I realize you already did and it’s too late to change that, but for the future just keep my words in mind. I’m glad we had this chat.