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Questionable artwork and pedantic miscellany
July 30, 2009
The Life and Times of Popeye Martínez


Some morning radio DJs are missing their sidekicks. Listen in to WHUH every weekday morning from 5 to 12 where Captain Porch and The Humidor will be playing Summercation Buck$tacular all through the month of June! Be the lucky caller and win something that can’t possibly justify listening to this rubbish every day of your life for hours!

Is this a breast book by Dr. Susan Love, or does Dr. Susan just love breast? To such a degree as to feel inspired to write this huge book? And am I seriously confident that I’m the first person aware of this book’s existence to make such remarks?

I recently encountered a large automobile with a “horse enthusiast” license plate. Is it really necessary to say that? Why else would you have a picture of a horse on a permanent accessory of your vehicle? Why do you even have a car? Why don’t you just ride a horse everywhere?* Do you even know if you can feed a horse bananas? As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to bananas, but you can’t lead bananas anywhere. And you shouldn’t, because that would make them led bananas, which would make you quite sick if you ate them. It’s not a very good saying.

*not because you think continually placing your full, domestically conditioned weight on and ordering movement of the animal might be a source of annoyance, of course. Why would that ever occur to you?

These people are WAY too excited about Werther’s “Original” Unspecified Object. Here is a thing to ask yourself if you think you might be too excited about the one who Werthes: “Did the thought occur to me that I might be? Nevermind the too, am I excited about Werther’s Original in the slightest? If I have to ask these questions, is my personal sense of judgment adequate that it is safe for me to be walking around in public? If that is not the case, can I even trust me to provide the answers?”
Ehhh… I know a person fairly well who likes these things, in fact, but surely even he would agree that the exuberance on display here is in excess. We must do something exciting to justify the already initiated withdrawal from our glee reserves.

The war on non-curled hair has been just as spectacular as you’d expect. I’m so charged and inspired I could just about refill my salt shaker.

July 5, 2009
Now you, shouldn’t even get into who I’m giving skins to: it’s NONE OF YO BUSINESS

My back hurts.


The Geico “cave men” series of advertisements depends on the viewer understanding that these people are themselves endlessly, hopelessly surrounded by Geico ads. That, to me, is the more tragic aspect of their un-relievable plight than that they can’t quite get respect as human beings. Even if they weren’t second class citizens they still couldn’t get away from Geico. And the Geico company itself has no problem with its ads being depicted within themselves as inescapable sources of dismay with no regard for the people they continually discriminate against.

TRY! Lean Pockets quesadilla. That’s awfully considerate of Hot Pockets brand Lean Pockets to plead for me to be open minded at this point, after I’ve purchased the item and removed it from its home. Always the chance exists that I will buy an item, take it out from its packaging and then decide I don’t want it. Perhaps I never intended to eat it. Maybe I have a hopeless addiction to opening boxes and non-resealable plastic bags. I could not possibly return the item for store credit at this point. Lean Pockets has already made the sale, and yet still it wants to make sure I eat something. Please, just try it. You have to eat! Just one bite, at least. Do it for me. Think of it as a science experiment. You like monoglopxide mccarbonuke, don’t you?

Here, eat this piece of my head that I just sliced out so I could have a mouth. Don’t be concerned with the fact that by the very nature of where it was, it was essentially in my mouth; I did not have one at the time. You might better devote your thoughts toward how I have terrible eyes or a nose or a body. As to how I put a shirt on over my enormous head, you are mistaken; I do not wear a shirt. I am simply badly burned across my torso. Thanks for your sensitivity, by the way. I do, however, wear flesh colored pants and gloves. By the way, Lotta Melon isn’t my actual name. It’s just some weird thing concocted to sound like “watermelon” so that the sugary drink-product I represent can hint that it is flavored in such a way. What baffles me is why I was chosen to endorse it. I don’t even know what that’s supposed to… you say my head looks like a what? How dare you!


I never could write endings.

May 6, 2009
Jenny McCarthy teams with the WWE to fight autism

I just realized I had a redundant copy of this entry on my page. I finally came up with something brief and I posted it twice. Ooeh.


I heard recently that former Illinoyse governor Rodney “The Goya” Blagojevich had been ordered to not appear on a game show, but I don’t think he saw the situation as being so strict. In fact, he may have misunderstood it entirely.


If you hurry, you can also catch him as Spock’s wacky college roommate in the new Star Trek film.

April 26, 2009
You thought you were there to guide me, you were only in MOYYYYYYYYY WAY

I disapprove of image results for “culture vulture” when I specifically specify “vulture culture.” I am not interested in one vulture with artistic sensibilities and appreciation for a stereotyped and elitist definition of what culture is. I want to know about the whole communities of vultures, what they’re doing, how they think, regardless of whether the two words making up what this is called happen to rhyme. I speak of two entirely different concepts and think google should be ashamed that its software is so easily confused between such things.



I don’t know how to make transparent pngs. Baw.

Hope is coming. Not necessarily for me, not possibly not for them, but it is coming, and there is little we can do to change that.

If you’ve ever wondered how, specifically, I get away with being called “disabled,” rather than just being a socially inept, hard to please weirdo, one aspect of it relates to spending three hours making tiny, intricate changes and corrections at the 8-x pixel magnification level to cartoon fingers, wheelbarrows, big Ks and construction helmets which I will ultimately discard. That is why, despite years of unemployment and free housing accommodations I never turned out any screenplays or operas. And you’re welcome, by the way.

At this point the challenge is resisting the need to place yellow and grey stripes on the support platform or trying to make it resemble a steel beam. Neither of these are necessary or have been requested, yet it seems a waste not to.


My fingernails are so worn out from scraping cat food off things cat food needs to be scraped from that I have difficulty opening soda cans. This could be a good thing if it prevented me from opening soda cans entirely, but it is but an inconvenience, and thus only serves to annoy me before I get at the soda anyhow. Similar, surely, to how not having a twitterly page doesn’t stop me from sharing useless information of that nature. Fiddle-dee-doo, people from tv acting like poorly spelled nonsense with no context on the internet is something new. I used to get somebody’s twitter updates on my live-journal friend-like-imaginary-internet-acquaintance page maybe about two years ago and I never knew what they were about because they were always in response to someone else’s twitties, and when I did bother to look into the matters, they were themselves responding to other things I had not read. And these were, I ought to point out, the twit-spaces of non-decadent, relatively humble people I consider mentally competent. I am told these days that the official Twittist mascot is Ashton Kutcher, who I best know from ads for bad movies and probably bad products that assume he is a person I best know. I realize that’s a weak dismissal; I only came here to show that dumb picture up there. I quite assure you I have written and lost track of as much long winded kutcher-themed kommentary as any other topic I have some sort of problem with. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be. I already did.

December 13, 2008
No, I’m taking a break from birds.

Whenever possible, I have blank paper available while I attempt to sleep so that I can write down thoughts which occur to me or things to remind me of those thoughts. Very important things, like who the voice of the Honey Nut Cheerio bee was in the 1980s or what order the Berenstain Bear books were written in. If I don’t reach over and scrawl out through the darkness BEE VOICE or BERENSTAIN BEAR ORDER I might not remember to look those things up later, and then where would I be? The notes vary in legibility; with some I cannot make out right away every letter and with others I can read the words but don’t know what they mean; I recently wrote PALIN ENERGIZED THE BASEST and that one took me a while, because “Palin” looked like “Blin” and I couldn’t remember thinking anything about energy, and I would because that is a funny word. The important part of the thought only regarded the last word, but if I’d just written “basest” that would have confused me for even longer. I may have thought I wrote something about a beast, and I have no shortage of ignorant smiling beasts causing me problems. That I do not need to remind myself of! However, I always get it eventually. UNTIL NOW.

This one is a mystery. po nostev? pcn naGtar? i Do rostiL? pm rastyr? Dm loctov? Dq haqxld?

Natsoy Wd? I have no idea! None of these are close to being an idea or the name of a thing I wanted more information about. My own lack of consistency among letter cases and writing angles needlessly complicates things. And I wrote this days ago, so even if I do figure out the literary portion of the problem I may not be able to remember what I was thinking that it related to. I dared not erase it without making a record first, because it’s probably not important (unlike I get Popful junk mail which was incredibly important) but some things I only think about once a year and judging by my inability to interpret it this could be one of them.

The reason I had to erase it is because I write all my notes on paper that I intend to draw pictures on, because that’s the only way to force me-self to look at the notes and do something about them. Placing it here constitutes doing something, I decided.
All those people making fun with “Blagojevich” this week don’t know what I’ve been through. any hair a mannequin needs is available in wig form indeed!

November 1, 2008
I am a child of Light-O-Matic, vile and pungent whilst also serving as an eggcup to the world.

Bright pink and yellow cupcakes lend an air of class and dignity to any place of vote-doing.


Ehh, I’ll pass. Isn’t this the same way they got Ted Stevens? I know better than that. Nice try, lizard. And by nice I mean horrible. I own a magic dictionary.
The background is to distract you from how boring/lamentable the subject matter is. Ordinarily in a situation like this there would be a land mine about to be stepped on, a rogue incoming boomerang or something of that nature, but times are tough. And the tougher they are for me, the easier they are for loathsome lopes. I will have to settle for a fashion disaster.

But they got some problems there in Alaska, too, you betcha, by gum, by cracky.

From everyone’s favorite canid data depository, hunted by the British and so All American by default, Fox News:

‘Palin, who as governor of Alaska will appoint Stevens’ interim successor if he steps down, initially sidestepped calling for the senator’s resignation, saying, “I’m confident Sen. Stevens will do what’s right for the people of Alaska.”

But later, the McCain camp released a statement from her saying that even if he wins his re-election, he should quit for the good of the state.

“I’m confident someone from the campaign will release a statement saying what I think about this.” even in stories about other people Palin’s a goof. But this kind of thing is stupid anyhow, but not in a way that makes her look smart because she probably doesn’t realize it’s stupid: why is hinting that someone should quit a job different than “calling for” it? People are always calling for resignations, like it’s pizza or a singing telegram, and now they call for someone else to call for resignation. I hate the word “resignation” here, as if it’s a simple choice. Ooh, I just felt like resigning. No! You did something extra bad and additionally won the “possibly get held accountable” lottery and now even the creeps who liked you have to act like they don’t! There should be a different word for when somebody gets tired of a job and when somebody is essentially fired from one. Get to work on that. You may not use my magic dictionary.

With all this emphasis on mavericks I can’t help wishing Obama had selected Megaman X as his running mate. The problem, of course, is that polls in several key swing states suggested discomfort among white voters regarding Megaman’s connections to his brother Malcolm.

A popular question, with all the reason to exist as “boxers or briefs”: what candidate would you rather have “a beer” with? Do I wanna get my inebriation on with my old bowling partner Barry Ob and Joey B or the local pariah, son of the town drunk Johnny Mick and Sally P? I personally would prefer a president who does not drink beer at all. Even if our current master no longer does so, you can bet he’d be worse if he still did.

What I just realized last week, is whoever wins this election –my hesitation to call this for Obama days in advance is consistent with my unwillingness to respond to “see you tomorrow” with anything stronger than “you just might.”– I will likely continue seeing for another four years. Of course I knew that, but I didn’t really know that, no. If I’ve had enough schlub man thin lady romantic reefer revellin’ comedies, I’ve had enough of this lot and comedic impressions of them constantly. Also, now I understand, with that long awaited V for Vendetta sequel, W, that we have the technology to make feature film length impression exhibitions while the oafs are still in office. It’s rather worrying.

Doesn’t he look worried? I bet he’s calling the suicide hotline. Or maybe he’s just calling for my resignation after such a stupid joke. Fortunately, the only way to reach me is by radio and he has repeatedly denied knowing the frequency. In fact, my resignation is requested with great frequency (one of the best), so one more won’t besmirch my bucket. Board the windows and bust out the Cracklin’ Oat Bran (“More please”), bimshwel is here to stay.

On the subject, with all the marijuany media these days, it will not be too long before, rather than beer, we start getting asked who we’d rather share a joint with. And then we would elect the other one. The pot president isn’t getting much done. Unless…

Ah, well you didn’t say that before. Note that I apparently find it more hypothetically plausible that America accepts a toketastic layabout candidate before it allows one from a third party.

And I say to you that they have no idea what a thing they’re missing.

November 21, 2007
Beware of that scheming Marmillian. I do not trust anyone anymore.

I hate this ad! Yes, it’s true!
Also from last February, but it appeared again recently. That is never good.

Scummy people outside their cars in a parking lot!
“How long ’til game time?” one asks another in as few syllables as possible.

“ONE HOUR 27 MINUTES,” this ridiculous person responds in a way that suggests she thinks she’s the only person on earth with a watch and she’s proud of it. Yet that’s not what the joke is supposed to be. This is a funny ad with a swerve. This is the believable part.

“One hour twenty-seven minutes later.” and they’re still totally attentive. And that’s not the joke either. I’m to take this as an acceptable, non-absurd time transition.

And then the fat man at front says GAME TIME. in this aggressive, satisfied voice like he’s raping a chipmunk which has given up trying to break free. What a horrible person!

The joke is supposed to be that they’re waiting for a lottery drawing to start, instead of, one must assume, something else. Plenty pathetic, yes, but waiting an hour and 27 minutes in front of a television set, in a parking lot, is ridiculously stupid regardless of what you’re watching. Regardless of what you’re watching an hour and 27 minutes from now, I mean.

Why would you ever have a television in a parking lot? What would you plug it into? How would you get reception, when we all have to be dependent on fancy hookerups that we can’t move and never fully own and have to pay for until we die to see anything these days? If it’s so easy to take your indoctrination machine on tour with you, why not go to a beach or a roller disco or a movie theater showing Enchanted with it? Any place at all would be more welcoming and comfortable than a generic asphalt void. But then, these people are so pathetic and easily impressed I suspect where they come from parking lots are the only things left. I doubt it was paradise before, though.

I’m not going to feign total ignorance, I’ve seen this type of fat-sweatshirted-oaf gathering depicted in ads before, generally associated with Amelica futbol. I do not watch the football (I’m simply not ready) but I’ve seen its timeslots on my tv listings, and football games last like four hours. If you’re lumping about for an hour and a half before that, and you do this every week, how can you not want to die? If you’re cramming salt and cheese cheez into your mouth the whole time, how can you not die? I mean; if it was me I’d run out of snacks before the thing even started and just go home. Which actually doesn’t sound that bad, if someone else provides the snacks and miraculously doesn’t exclusively buy things I hate. Maybe I should try to get in on this.

November 11, 2007
Mit hunderten von unvergesslichen Szenen und dem typsichen Humor von Friends lässt Dich dieses Spiel mitraten und mitlachen.

1000 questions about your favorite friends! If your favorite friends are people who don’t even know you exist, and perhaps more importantly don’t exist themselves, you need new friends.

I also can’t help noticing the resemblance of the included disc-object to Super Games Galore, the steamshovelware cd that ruined me for so many people.

…and here’s another one. Why is it shaped like this? Just to make storage difficult? So it will not group properly with standard rectangular games? That’s a pretty isolationist policy for people who claim to be so chumsy. The alternative is that this is not a game at all, but actually one of those cardboard paged books I used to read before I could read. Some of those may have been about friendship.

The only thing worse than a Friends trivia board game is massive famine, martial law, roving rape gangs, tornados, ehhh… but the only thing worse than a Friends trivia board game within the scope of this website entry is a Friends trivia video game. If you have a Playstation 2, you could theoretically pretend to do all sorts of astounding things. Certainly more interesting than what a couple goofs do in a couple giant apartments with walls missing. Certainly more interesting than being quizzed on what they once did. And… you wouldn’t play this game alone, would you? If you have other people to play against, you could play Bomberman or Marvel vs. Candy Corn or I don’t really know what’s been released for these infernal machines in the last ten years. But even a stupid video card game would be better than this, and those are horrible. There are a bunch of Jeopardy games, surely. There always have been. I wouldn’t ever recommend them, but if you insist on awkwardly answering questions through your television with no possible planned payoff you might as well see if you can learn something.

Don’t German people have their own tv shows? I hate this form of colonialism, saturating foreign markets with indoctrinating rubbish rather than allowing them to come up with their own rubbish. It’s often cheaper to buy rights to and translate other people’s reruns than it is pay fellow citizens to produce new content, so, with all successful capitalists being scoundrels at heart, of course they do that. Or at least some book I read that mostly focused on the 1960s because most of it was written then said that. Aren’t you impressed that I read a book, though?

Although I suppose in other countries what’s vapid and mundane here (United Statia) can seem exotic, fascinating and culturally enriching, but I have to think they’ve been having Amelica forced on them for almost a century by now. Sure, my favorite comics are translated (and frequently not translated at all) from French, but they’re not recent, and they’re not about dorks talking to each other and laminating lists and uh bathing. Tintin has serious business. Tintin prevents wars and rescues slaves. He also supports labor strikes.

If you can justify one book, I don’t know, but you certainly don’t need another.

I would like to name Rachel’s beloved childhood dog? I guess not. She can do that herself. But how much money would you pay to answer insignificant questions about one of the most inconsequentially-contented tv shows of recent memory? If your answer was under $10000, then there’s a good chance you’ll not be doing it with this product. I hope it’s not out of stock because somebody bought it. And yet at the same time I don’t see how you can set a price like that for a thing which you don’t have in stock yet but expect to with enough certainty that I can sign up to be notified when it is. If you’re expecting more, then that must be because more are being made, and if they can still be made, and “they” refers to a bunch of printed trinkets in a cookie tin rather than a flying gold toilet, how can you charge that price for it?

This is getting complicated.

Nobody I know has a website anymore

Mr. Sr. Mxy
Gilhodes (bah you need a facebook account to see)
video game music database
pacific novelty
Green Lantern Head Trauma

them`s fightin` woids: July 21, 2020
Frimpinheap sez:
Thank you for approving! I don’t like to compare this to an “alpha build”...
July 19, 2020
Charmlatan sez:
Well, I wish to report that the video worked well, it’s like any other alpha build video of...
July 5, 2020
Charmlatan sez:
Don’t worry about having cake, because unfortunately I had enough for both of us. Oh dear. Oh...
July 4, 2020
Frimpinheap sez:
once i gave the blue dope a specific reason to have an umbrella, I could no longer casually...
July 4, 2020
Charmlatan sez:
Ah, interesting. Perhaps the umbrella can come back as a secret weapon. Hope there’s more...
July 4, 2020
Frimpinheap sez:
one dope is much like another but that is correct. It carries an umbrella in the cartoonish...
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