I just realized [three months ago] that there are people who were borned IN the 1970S who aren’t thirty years old yet. That astounds me for some reason. All my life, the disco decade had seemed totally beyond accessibility and yet for some time now I have shared a first digit with people who experienced part of it. That gives me at least four more years before I’m totally outdated.

What’s the deal with Jim Carrey being in movies where he has magical powers or is enchanted in some way? First he couldn’t lie, and now he can’t say no. And remember that time he found the magic theater mask that made him turn into rubber, and then a few years later he just went full God? And I definitely recall reports roundabout the turn of the century of Mr. Carrey “becoming” Andy Kaufman, a task simply not possible within any realm of logic as the non-wizardly mortals among us who are logical know it. All this, despite being, according to popular wisdom, dumber than dumb, which, with such unchecked powers, would only make him more dangerous. Somebody needs to watch this guy.


Well, you are kind of in the Bat-Mobile. Also, I imagine your driving becomes conspicuously erratic while you’re writing in your notebook. Tearing off each note as you write it seems to me like it could only make your trail easier to follow.

E-cards are SUPPOSED to be free. Does anyone pay for them? Does anyone even still use them? I don’t think I’ve received one in eight years. To put that in perspective, there are actually people who give me greeting cards.

It seems to me that the first rule is the best value. I’m not entirely sure on the math but the nine additional rules seem to only get you about 2.4 times as much weight loss. Which is still pretty good, but man, do I really have time for 10 whole rules? Especially if I’m an idiot? Idiot seems so much more serious and harsh than dummy.

I bet I’m smart enough to not take dares from stupid banner ads.
Seriously, why should I even bother if it’s so hard that the guy in the picture got zero percent correct? And it’s harsh in its reprimands: the notification occupies an entire screen. I don’t know if I can handle that much abuse. The man is so ashamed he dare not look directly at the monitor for fear it might read the regret and take the opportunity to dispatch more wrath. you know the thing is a sadistic machine, for it persists in its persecution despite not being plugged in. My intelligence may not be that of a supreme machine but I know enough to not enter into a wager with one.

Murder yellow teeth: the worst kind of yellow teeth!
Why don’t the Secret Dentists want me to know about Teeth Whitening, the only hero believed to be a match for the Murder Yellow Teeth in combat? My life could be in danger! What’s in this for those dentists? Do they work for the Dumb Test 12000 master computer? Is this a plot to keep people from correcting teeth yellowness so that malevolent machination can make fun of them? We cannot afford to show weakness! We must get ourselves in contact with the mysterious anonymous individual who sponsored this awareness! We must band together! We must

I COMPUTER! I MAKE LINK! I TRICK YOU INTO THINK YOU HAVE CHANCE! NO HAVE CHANCE ACTUALLY! YOU NO MATCH MY TEST ME SMART! YOU DUMB NO DO TEST GOOD CAN! COMPUTER WIN MAXIMUM ALWAYS! BEEP BOOP BLIP BLOOP BOP, I SAY! ALSO WHY YOU GOT SUCH YELLOW TEETH?