no thank you
this generation’s mascot scientists face a complex issue: how can they improve upon the previous generations’ creepifying efforts? Every benign forgettable character from the 1950s that hasn’t been excized has already been over airbrushed and 3d rendered and sapped of all remotely organic elements. What possibly remains to be done that can make them worse? the keebler company, a wholly owned subsidiary of the Kellogg company, decided to have the creepler elf give up its long standing sideways glance in favor of a horrifying straight ahead stare.
here, at the same store, in a picture taken AFTER the previous two, is a vintage keebler elf on
captain crunch, a long time veteran of my posts fixating on the packaging of products I do not buy, doesn’t look quite 3d rendered but mysteriously rather like an attempt at a two dimensional drawing OF a 3d rendered captain. the question here: is the box on the right the previous design or the aftermath of people seeing the box on the left and filing complaints?
another possibility: the left side character is actually a different Captain. Consider that he needs to order himself to crunchatize himself even though all crunch scholars know that “he” has done that already. However, the management saw
“oops! All Mega Berries” and finally realized the previous Captain Crunch had been all these years filling boxes with his personal berries (and donuts) on purpose while trying to pass it off as production errors. but as is too often the case, the corruption goes all the way to the top. Or to slightly below admiral, anyhow. The yellow box does not even bother to say “oops!” I never accepted the oops but its absence shows that the captain believes he is entitled to all berries, and his hubris level has become uncontainable. On that note, he ran out of cereal containers, and had to put the berries into little pouches instead. What would have been next? “oops one berry in a thimble” ? That Captain had to GO. Perhaps the previous elf has also been replaced for the same reason.
Now I have to go as well
once up on top of a time i sketched out a dope and inadvertently overshaded it so that it appeared quite dark. It inspired me to opine
That dark dope is so stupid, it doesn’t even realize how evil it is. It doesn’t know the horrible, frightful powers of destruction it has. All it knows how to do is regular dope stuff: stomping around smiling at people. It doesn’t know that it can strangle people from a distance just by grasping at the air. It doesn’t know. It has no idea. The forces of darkness were wasted on it.
This is not that dope. This is a rough approximation of it made from my memory of the dark dope. If I produced a digital copy of that dope at that time it is not known, but possibly I feared for my safety.
well forget that dope. A few years ago I found two of these reusable shopping bags in a closet within my domicile. I liked the idea of going to new stop and shop with a bag from another era covered in pictures of products that aren’t made anymore and that are but have less ridiculous packaging. I think I had one successful trip before the degraded plastic started to fall apart, so I decided to store unused picture frames in them instead while they continued to shed and I have been gradually removing pieces of them from my chambers ever since then. I had occasion to think of it yesterday as I removed some of the last of those pieces and the closet I found them in also was being cleared of rubbish entirely. I might never have seen the bags if not for my proactive action; I doubt anyone else would realize what a treasure these were. As I noted, they are adorned with photographs of products that Stop and Shop management suggests you might purchase to put in it, such as
Dunkin Donuts cereal!
despite the picture on the box indicating that Fred the baker shrinks down to smaller than the bowl to make what are, to him, full-sized doughnuts for the cereal, this advertisement depicts him at full large size hand-making the miniature doughnuts using a tiny little rolling pin and doughnut-shape cutter, which I am sure is much more factually accurate.
As I was thinking of Dunkin Donuts Cereal, particularly I thought of that corny nostril-clenching announcer beginning a statement by saying “chocolate cheeriosDunkin Donuts Cereal,” and especially that opening, enthusiastic “DUNK!” In my mind and apparently out from my mouth I heard it again and again, dunk dunk-dunk dunk dunk DUNK-in donuts cereal. Except eventually it somehow turned into dunkin dopes cereal.
DUNKIN DOPES CEREAL??!?!?!?
I reFUSE to eat dunkin dopes cereal. I refuse to even NOT eat it and simply coexist with it. In fact that may be worse. Unless you are “dunkin” those dopes into acid i see no point. i am sick of dumb cereals like raisin brain, mustid dope bran and now dunkin dopes. there is _N O_ excuse for this.
these people have no clue how many dumpsters dunkin dopes cereal can get tossed into. as far as *I* am concerned it can be nunkin NOPES cereal.
it makes me angry, that guy sounds so PLEASED when he says “dunkin dopes cereal.” and he didn’t even really say that! i only imagined he did! how do dopes have this kind of power? is this another scheme by the dope of darkness? only a dope would be dumb enough to want itself to get dunked and only the dope of darkness is mighty enough to make that happen. can you IMAGINE working at the Ralston-Purina dog and child food company and having to produce dunkin dopes cereal not because anyone will by it but simply because the most frightful and unstoppable dope in the nether-realm MADE you do it? And then you’ll have stacks and stacks of this dumb dope-flavored GARBAGE that nobody wants and that nobody will or SHOULD EVER want, because it is dumb and dope flavored.
It bothers me that the dope of light is TOO STUPID to destroy the dope of darkness, even with this news brought to light, its own element. If you placed those two in each other’s company all they would do is smile at each other, which is ALSO bad. Truly unacceptable. I need to take a nap, being awake now is insufferable.
or you could BUY a BAG of only marshmallows without jumping through weird hoops to appease the corporate marketing gods. This would be like Popeyes saying you could WIN a box of fried chicken skin and breading. In fact maybe twenty years ago I had a dream about being served a plate of that. I remember how round and mushy the substance on the plate was. I tried to eat it and it was disgusting. I never forgot. But the General Mills breakfast cereal company has helped me to remember it, thank you.
I can only assume the marshmallow box giveaway is a consequence of adding more and more new marshmallow types but forgetting to decrease the quantity of each produced.
here i am encouraged to TRAP the leprechaun and take this out on him. hey kids want to have a good time? eat a box of marshmallows and capture little creatures in the forest.
is there just no oversight at cereal companies? This is this is the worst disaster since Oops! Choco Donuts. As long as it only affects lame snacks pretending to be breakfast as an excuse and doesn’t mess with actual snacks
They admit this is a mistake but then claim the product is better like that anyway. I suppose they think I will say “I appreciate your honesty” but I don’t! I resent being sold defective merchandise. At full price, anyway. While this does have a yellow label that does not necessarily mean this is on sale.
Save TWO CENTS! It probably cost more to make the labels for this whole rack than somebody would “save” by making use of this offer.
As for the whoopsy cookies, if they ARE better with this mistake in place, they would be yet better if you used the mistake as a base point from which to make some informed decisions! This still needs to be inspected and approved by someone. The graphic design seems to imply that the fudge on these cookies was leaking down from the ceiling or a burst vat or something like that. How do I know this is PURE tasteless plastic keebler legally-allowed-to-be-called “fudge”? Quite honestly I am disgusted that the supermarket agreed to carry this product. Still this never would have happened if there was competent leadership at the Keebler tree. The fact of the matter is that Ernie the elf and
captain crunch are both senile white-haired old men, and one assumes lucky the leprechaun has a few centuries under his belt, in charge of food production operations that they no longer understand, and they expect to get by on their folksy charm and existing goodwill without offering anything in the way of apologies or reparations (general mills’ offer to let ME trap Lucky and issue frontier justice on my own notwithstanding). Gosh the keebler elves are using MAGIC, the FORBIDDEN arts to make these cookies and they can’t keep THAT under control. How long before it’s Oops! I summoned a werewolf army? How about this, you can sell whoopsy! over-fudged cookies and bejabbers! boxes of cereal without cereal so long as i can pay for them with my fiddlesticks! cancelled credit card
I like to conclude these entries with a final bit of text after the last picture.
oh beets, there is that gosh darn honey mace again.
Going back a bit more beyond last week’s very important matter, there was a point in history during which the Honey Nut Cheerio Bee threatened to dump a jar actually labeled “honey” on to the cereal. Which also never happened even one time but I assure you it is closer to the truth than the dumb magic wand. I presume the wand was substituted because contemporary people believe they are more “sophisticated” than the people who came before them. Honey out of a jar? Like no way broseph, that’s PROCESSED FAKE GMO CORPORATE NON-ORGANIC honey! I only eat fake processed gmo corporate non-organic honey on my cereal when the corporation shows me a picture of that honey coming out of some stupid slimy striped thing on a stick.
Personally, I am more concerned about where those nuts are coming from. And where they are going, I suppose, since it isn’t into the bowl.
Grape gimpity the bee looks like it is in a cult. The wand touched the bee’s tiny insect hivemind and shorted it out.
Now that it has cracked, psychologically, it has fled society, leaving the cursed staff behind to corrupt a new generation. I would be concerned for the bee’s safety if I did not typically want it to die.
alright, it has returned and now it thinks it is batman. good work. And the stupid wand is back in business!
Looking closer it becomes apparent that Bee does not wear the full costume, so it must have some inkling that it is not batman. Although if its queen has been murdered that would explain its sudden lack of purpose and need of a new identity. A queenless hive will only produce male bees, who do not do any work, and this signifies the upcoming collapse and death of the colony. For a long time the honey nut cheerio bee believed its spokesperson job constituted work, which made it confused as to whether it was male or female. The Bat-Man persona may be an indication not of insanity, as I initially suspected, but of acceptance of its nature and purpose at last. Nonetheless that wand is stupid and has NO purpose.
Although, although: what IS a male bee’s “purpose?” None but to mate and die immediately afterward, with its endophallus action being so powerful as to paralyze the male bee and throw it backward, with no guarantee the queen was even able to receive the ejected fluid. Perhaps the wand has nothing to do with honey, but is a means to artificially inseminate queen bees with no harm brought to the initiator. Though the bee may be overconfident, choosing specifically NOT the clothe the one pertinent region of its body. Almost as if daring people to attack and attempt to make the bee mate with them. And beyond man, to bat-man specifically, it may be the case that Bee, knowing male bees lack stinging apparatuses, has equipped itself with compensatory measures, but preferring not to kill foes outright, and scare them into not attacking at all if possible. Though it may have gone too far in imitating Bat-Man since the cape is certain to, if not get tangled in the wings, certainly prevent them from working.
What is important is the bee is dangerous.
This picture is not technically relevant but I placed it in my folder for non sequitur website images in September 2006 and I do not think it is ever going to be totally relevant to anything.
On a side note, apart from my very important and focused discussion with myself, General Mills hired TWO artists of whom I am meant to have heard, judging by there being a pair of signatures beside it, to draw the bee for this box, and yet they, two people, with a corporate review board scrutinizing the job it at ever step, positioned the glove reaching out to strangle me so that one of the bee’s eyes is partially obscured, making the facial expression look screwy, even beyond the insane open-mouthed faces of agony I have already come to associate with modern incarnations of old cereal mascots. This is NOT an aesthetically functional art job. Apart from that, the detail level is about the same as the usual non-signatured bee so I am not totally sure why they bothered, apart from to make me feel compelled to write about it almost a year later, to keep me from writing about something much more significant and uplifting,
like winning the heart of the one you love through your barnyard vocalizations.
This picture is a LIE. that is NOT who makes these, and the honey nut cheerios wand is NOT employed in the process.
The assembly line of workers who make the Lindor lumps probably look more like this, if we assume it is not entirely machine automated.
But since you brought it up, this this this THING, this striped lump on a stick, is ALSO a lie. Who, that buys honey cereal, even knows what that honey rod is SUPPOSED to do? It may “bee” beyond our ability to understand.
Honey Nut Chex is slightly more honest about it. The magic wand exists but it is just lying on the table unused, making a mess. It looks as if it has been murdered.
I have additionally observed that generic store brand honey cereals are only allowed to use the magic honey wand if the multinational brand doesn’t want it. Assuming my web host’s recent unannounced, extortionesque demand that I pay an extra $40 annually to obtain a “security certificate” for a totally invented, unsupplied non-reason and firefox’s subsequent sabotaging of my site’s functions has not damaged my ability to display the images, seen here are Food Lion Honey & Nut Tasteeos and Stop & Shop Honey Crunchin’ Oats. They can’t call it BUNCHES, but they MUST say something that rhymes with bunches, or else people will notice the ugly generic store brand label.
Also I acknowledge that the latter picture is from 2008 and that Stop & Shop has a much better store brand logo now, as can be seen on this page about Shop Rite, which, admittedly, makes every aspect of Stop & Shop appear superior. Firefox thinks it needs to prevent me from logging in and viewers from commenting to keep this website from being relevant, but that was never a risk.
That of course assumes “relevant” is a word that has an identifiable meaning. The one expert on what is relevant to me does not disclose the criteria nor the option to even know what has NOT been deemed relevant so that I may gain insight into the system or check its accuracy, only that this is so very important that material may be visibly not in ANY order. And then they are put into a different order after they have been seen, so that a specific one will be hard to see on purpose a second time. The people in charge maintain order by PREVENTING order. The fact that I know my next post is also going to be about honey nut cheerios suddenly seems uncommonly disciplined and of great magnitude. Yes I suddenly feel very important and well prepared to face the year ahead.
That will be all. Good day.