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Questionable artwork and pedantic miscellany
May 15, 2019
don’t say no to drugs, say no thank you

three more unrelated idiots that happened to have been sketched near each other.
I should look into putting up a picture with something happening in it one of these days!

Or at least deviate into a less-rigid setup than this one if I feel a need to keep crinkling out dumb illustrations to prove that i continue existing. And then make sure i don’t bland out the subtle distinctive elements of the original cheap sketch in my haste to not spend hours and hours on something that I know does not matter. And if I do that anyway, try to avoid looking back at the sketch and becoming aware of that after already smearing the “finished” one in front of all the same people multiple times across the different websites.

I trusted in a formula that usually results in passable mediocrity, like the Famous Studios Popeye cartoons, but every once in a while even a stable formula fails, and with nothing else behind it there is going to be something totally unredeemable, like when Popeye came home from World War 2 and the writers/management decided he should stop hitting people all the time and be more like Donald Duck and be a stooge to a cute animal or his dipfip nephews instead of an invincible meathead who won’t compromise even when it means leveling an entire town, even though his popularity stems directly from his ability to appear noble while being a destructive stubborn clod.


I won’t even talk about the terrible, totally official popeye cartoons made in 2018, because I am going to bed. The simple fact is that Popeye cartoons have been lame for most of their existence so freaking out over extensions of that trend will solve nothing. I think fictional characters should become public domain property after 70 years regardless of what boneheads swap the rights around. I think I said that ages ago in a post that I never finished because my brain is soup. They belong in their own time periods. Take them out too far and they become something else that might as well be called something else, exclusively benefiting and appealing to horrid people.
I do not want to appeal to horrid people. Not for free, anyway! Rushing for free is as beneficial as rushing for spinach.



October 10, 2008
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

This should have appeared two weeks ago*, but I was distracted by business. Imagine if I had a real job!

*I’m told it wasn’t completely topical by then, but the sign is still up now so I consider this someone else’s problem before it is mine.

Surprise! Your favorite baseball team and your absolute least favorite baseball team of all the times have a mutually profitable relationship! Neither has any more integrity than the other! Despite being in the same geographic region both still get more money and attention than any other team –ehhh, excuse me, franchise– in the country, if not the world! Popeye will play for both!


But he’s such a splendid citizen he’ll even play for less important teams no one has heard of, like the Mets. Or rather, I suppose he’s playing against them, because it wouldn’t make sense for the ah thrower to be pitching an opposing force’s ball. Or if it did, it would be Popeye’s goal to catch the ball and protect it from further abuse. But instead of that he applies greater, opposing force to the object, which must hurt it a great deal, I think. As to why Popeye clutches a baseball bat club when he repels the ball with his mind, (for he still has the bludgeon in unswung position) that’s probably just one of the rules. Popeye always respects the law. Right?


Who sez I can’t gives me spinach to the athaletes at the olympinks?
I’ll never smile again.


No, Monki! Do not Meet Popeye! He is a bad man! Do not be like him!


Where have the heroes gone? What happened to all the good uneducated violent ruffians?



September 9, 2008
You order a pizza, not your friends! You blew it, pal!


I suggested that a race is not a strong central basis for a side view action game. In fact, as this was implemented in Sonic the Hedgehog 2, and only 2, I like it better than proper racing games.

Both heroes in the same large, fairly complex level, competing to see who can smash the most monitors, grab the most rings, keep the most rings, bop the most robots and reach the end first. While it’s no doubt momentarily amusing to see Bluto suddenly outpacing his foes by locating the secret pogo stick cache between the manure piles, Popeye: Rush For Spinach is otherwise totally boring because it was designed and programmed by


Parents Choice Award winners The Game Factory –That’s “factory” as in the industrial revolution’s mechanical workhouse for standardizing monotonous labour to produce uniform products more quickly– and not 1992 Sega Sonic Team. Why subsequent The Hedgehog games dropped that delightful versus mode in favor of “hold down right and jump occasionally” or “nothing” I have no idea. The “one player” two player mode was safe for a while, anyhow. In general I find myself confused by most immediately evident decisions made with a lot of intellectual properties these days / always. I should probably be more grateful for the lack of canonically bastardizing Ristar sequels than I typically have been.

Licensed video games, in general, have been fortified with irrational, uncharacteristic violence for the last twenty years. Finally we return to a personnage known for the punch-ups he gets into, therefore defying no logic to depict him engaging in more, and we make him race. How the storyline mode of Popeye: The Rescue of Dino and Hoppy keeps contriving situations in which the four protagonists just happen to end up trying to outrun each other is kind of funny, but it doesn’t ever get exciting.

Related:


Congratulations, you made someone cry.

Not related:


Tyler Perry enters the pizza business.

In other news:

Good idea!

Oh no!



August 28, 2008
My heat vision will weld the moon back together


Super Mario Galaxy: The hardbound cheat book. The perfect item to bring class to any home library. I say this as the former owner of the Mario Paint book and a pair of obscenely large, barely distinct mid 1990s books about the art of user-made Doom add-ons.

A Mario Galaxy is one thing (or rather one large system of vast amounts of vaguely racist ethnic caricatures of stars), but do you ever find yourself thinking, gravy gondola, my cheap bucketware games just aren’t boring and abstractly pointless enough?

Bweeyoop! It’s Rubik Cube: the video game! The sort of simplistic and annoying toy video games were invented to be better than, now deprived of that simplicity in addition to its convenient portability and tactile appeal. I could never solve the cube1 but I enjoyed twisting it around. It also makes a fairly whimsical yet adaptable decoration. This, however, surely has a completely different center of gravity. Oh yeah and it’s in a big stupid plastic box, too. I wouldn’t even hide it where I keep my forbidden hats. At least with Minesweeper you can pretend your boring window games are saving lives. How is spinning individual parts of a dopey rainbow cube going to help the innocent civilians of your war-torn operating system? Where’s the urgency, Rubik?

1I could, if my memory is certain, complete Square 1, but it was more randomly shifting pieces in the permitted directions until the cube was formed than actually “solving” anything,


Finally, my least favorite arrpeejee mini-game available as a standalone title.
I can’t imagine there being any trace of desire to run a slot machine, much less a video slot machine, without even the slightest, nigh-imaginary chance of winning. But hey, you can never lose more than 20 dollars! Unless you buy both of these! It has been determined that if you put something in a box, on a shelf, in a store, somebody will inevitably buy one, regardless of what it is, if it has Betty Boop on it (seen here having a border dispute with a price sticker). Still, a more dignified King Features outing overall than Popeye: Rush for Spinach,



even if it lacks an appearance by Jagged Edge Totally Gnarly Rail-Grindin’ Wimpy. Remember, when you think electronic urban non-violent competition for the 21st century, think Popeye the Sailor Man.



You mean besides that it’s boring, totally out of character, and not a strong central basis for a side-view action game?



February 20, 2008
Thank you for your cohoperation.


This is one of the final frames from the astounding Arabic opening to the rarely remembered 1978 pop pop pop pop Pop-eye cartoon. Unfortunately, I can no longer find the video online, and at the time when I could I had not yet gotten into the habit of saving such things for later viewing. What’s important right just now is this picture and the important question it raises. Do we really need six Popeyes? It is not as if there are six Blutos! Certainly never at the same time, the Brutus factor notwithstanding (I think I used that word right). And yet somehow that is the amount of popeyes present.

Though a wise man once said “Once you pop, you can’t stop,” therefore explaining how, we have yet to determine why there must be so many Popeyes. Two-thirds of the characters on this program are Popeye! That is not good. There’s regular Popeye, old Popeye, an astounding four miniature Popeyes, who will, unless we act, one day be fully grown Popeyes, and… while Sweepy (akadaka “Swee’ Pea”) is not biologically related to Popeye, he has spent nearly his entire life under the influence of regular Popeye, and has been known to emulate that Popeye’s habits and behaviors. So really, there are six and a half Popeyes. This is more than my mind can comprehend.

Additionally, I will assume, by the distance, that the three popeyes on the left are nephews and that the one small popeye in the middle is a direct descendant, delivered by stork (or more likely pelican) to normal Popeye. However, any Popeye scholar knows, just to show he’s better than Donald Duck, that regular Popeye has four nephews, one of which is merely estranged. Somewhere in the world is a seventh Popeye, bitter and resentful, looking for revenge. I’m scared.


Now I am even more scared. We can only hope before causing too much damage they meet and settle their differences. We haven’t even discussed the fact that in order to have nephews Popeye must surely have other Popeye relatives not acknowledged here. I don’t think I could handle it, quite honestly.



January 25, 2008
For those of you who don’t know who Latias is, I pity your ignorance

Hitler still up to his old tricks:


I told you about this letter, right? You don’t have to read it, I will summarize it afterwards. Lazy loaf.





A more succinct version: “You took some pictures from my website and put them on yours, therefore you owe me 0.15 million dollars.”

The entry it regards was quickly stripped of the offending materials and I have not yet devised suitable replacements for them all. I made plans, but actually doing the act was soon sickening. I’ll possibly tell you if it ever happens. The offending materials consisted of a comic page, a comic cover and youtube frame all depicting the exact same character drawings arranged in different ways among seriously lousy 3D computer graphic backgrounds, and seen exactly as I found them, except for one whose background I altered (which they noticed, pog bless them). My point being that the whole thing’s an overpromoted ugly hackwork and true.

When I first saw the note on the evening of October 5, 2007, I spoke, aloud “well it’s about time.” I’m not one of those “ha ha, I’ve been banned from 37 forums THIS WEEK” people who gloats about being an antisocial gadshmap (I wish I would have gotten banished more often, back in the days, so I’d have stopped trying sooner), but one does wonder after a while if anybody is paying attention.

Almost right away I came up with some nonsense to say here, but was terribly paranoid about the whole thing and so kept it to myself. Fortunately, it’s totally the normal for me to mix new content with things I did years ago, so October is pretty timely. I am not convinced it’s possible to do time travel, but I believe I may be time travel.


I think with the facts that Capt’n Eli is a small operation and that I included Hitlerish imagery, the response is not surprising. While I could substitute the mustache-swastika-less Not Hitler from the Super NES port of Wolfenstein 3D, I think the intent would still be obvious, but if it wasn’t obvious it wouldn’t make sense. I could also replace Hitler with “call apogee say aardwolf” but that also wouldn’t make sense and would still have the ah… plaintiff’s drawing in it, and I certainly don’t want to fiddle about when people are threatening to take $149,837 I don’t have over a totally justified complaint. Yet I think if they obtained that money they could turn out a far higher quality product. If I had that money I could pay off my annoyances and turn out a higher quality product myself, making dumb comics fast enough that I wouldn’t have to write about silly things in the interim periods and thus this never would have happened. Stupid Eli.

I believe a lot of the trouble is that people on the internet have been largely desensitized against Hitler, to such an extent that I couldn’t imagine anyone – first of all, with gainful employment – bothering with my nonsense, and secondarily, having a legitimately off reaction, of such intensity, to the insertion of Cap’t Holocaust with other non-hitlery subjects. I thought it would be best to remove the thing altogether until I could devise of entirely generic and/or Hitler-free subject matter which still work with my own general complaints, which I think are valid. And I did that. I told you I did!

I suppose it was wrong to try and work out my annoyance at Maine, off brand soft drinks and web-comics all at the same time. If it’d been a picture of Richard Burton or Stockard Channing I could claim to feel wronged, but there aren’t any in Doom2 so the joke doesn’t work.

But that’s what this is about. It was quickly obvious to me that not the art theft, the thing they’re demanding money for, but what my friends up north are really mad about is the hitlerly of the second paragraph and, I suspect, even more just that I made fun of their soda, their website and their mediocre comics. And yes probably their state, too, knowing what I know about the people in that area. And many other areas. Otherwise, why would they care? The only other alternative is that they’re just nasty people, because clearly I have no power and no reputation which would give my words any great weight in a serious situation. They don’t really expect to get one hundred fifty thousand dollars from me, they just want people to stop talking spackle about Capten Eli and their precious “down east.” Evidently the irony of making crazy threats at being associated with naxis is lost on them.

Gah, no wonder the Wannawaf bofo didn’t want to sell that stuff.

You wouldn’t sue me JUST for copying a picture and putting it on a webpage any more than you would if I’d taped it to the front door of my house. That is not the first step (verily, you must climb four to reach the door). Yet this is the only real charge. Otherwise, the note implies that merely saving an image to my hard drive is a crime, and I must assume 90+% of internet users have been guilty of that at one time or another. Maybe it will come about that browser caches themselves are illegal. We already have a good amount of online video set so that it can only be viewed streamed. Oh well. As long as I can keep downloading roms, it shouldn’t be too much trouble. I wouldn’t be terribly surprised if the ope whose “kingdom hearts plot” guide I insulted a paragraph from came after me now.

I’m not angry at Jay Piscopo, the author. Not for this. Not that much. Because, for one thing, I don’t think it was his idea. I think maybe he found my entroid, and showed it to one of the shipyard brewers and said


“Lookie here! Capt’n Eli, the e-pit-o-me of wholesome, the toast of Down East, hero to children worldwide in my mind, before a wall of hitlers! That’s not cool, man!”

“I’ll take care of it.”

It bothered me, sure, it bothered me a lot, but I came closer to crying when the ridiculous october weather here required me to rereinstall and rereuninstall my fan in the same day.

If I could go back and do things differently, would I? Certainly. I wish I had made Hitler be smoking a joint so the lawyer could inform me of the dangers of drug abuse. Or I wish I had titled the entry “Capt’n Eli is a crackhead” or “Jay P’scopo is a sobbing talentless trainwreck of a man” just to see that printed on the letter. Although neither of those things can conclusively be proven as true merely by the evidence available. And that would have made writing the return letter slightly more awkward. But oh, I wrote it. It wasn’t exactly groveling, but I think it gave in on more points than it should have. Every word is true, though. Words themselves cannot be lies, can they? I should have said every statement is true.


re: cease and desist demand
unauthorized use of copyrighted materials

Dear Sinclair Law Offices:

I am deeply troubled that my website entry was found to be offensive,
particularly by your clients, to such an extent that they would seek
legal action. I immediately complied with the demand to remove the
infringing materials, from all possible places. My goal is always to
amuse myself and potential others; never do I embark upon quests of
simple hate, so anything which appears to be such is most unwelcome at
bimshwel.com.

Though not seeking to excuse myself, I will say that the employment of
the Hitler image was intended solely to be ridiculous, as many popular
media have rendered the sight of him in recent years. The swastika was
to be thought of as incidental as the mustache, though in retrospect I
fully understand how someone could think otherwise. I myself have been
most dissatisfied with the lack of accountability among cruel and
rambunctious persons on the internet.

Please accept this letter as an assurance that the matter has been dealt
with in the requested manner.

Your humble servant,
Brendalyndalyn Cunninkhom

“Regardless of legality, I still think you’re a creepy and scary person for taking such threatening actions over the equivelant of having a hat and glasses drawn on your re-election poster.” is just one of several things I reluctantly removed before the final version. I’m glad the word “rambunctious” survived.

“Brendalyndalyn Cunninkhom” was the name those people or that person pulled from the public who-is database of internet domain registrants and then placed within doubting quotation marks in the letter which was sent to me but not addressed to me. Rather, the letter was addressed to my parental persons, whose credit card I used. Who owns the credit card is only relevant if you’re trying to make trouble. As I see it, this gang think I’m some stupid dumb kid and they thought they were going to get me punished in a domestic fashion with this business, and even if I had I wouldn’t want to think I let them have such satisfaction, believed I it within my power to control that. I’m not even convinced the “Sinclair Law Offices” exist.

I don’t have a credit card. Neither does my considerably more self-sufficient brother Eeple, but that didn’t impede some thug from breaching his myspace page and registering a credit card in his name. I’m sure it’s printed somewhere in the seven mile myspace privacy policy that they let people do that. It will probably happen to me, too, but at least when it does I’ll have a pretty good idea where the name was gotten from. Also, I like to think whoever sends a bill to me will notice it’s kind of wrong.

The vagueness of the dedication “dear sinclair law offices” is my fault, sort of. Unable to decipher the signature on the letter –and who signs a letter, especially an angry one, “sincerely by,” anyway?– I decided to seek out the law offices’ website to find a name that looked similar to the signature. Curiously, the office seemed to specialize in medical malpractice cases. The web page opened with a big five point internet font “INJURED?” I guess that also extends to hurt feelings, though that was not among one of the numerous injuries mentioned on the front page. “Bedsores,” however, shew up three times, and apparently you can sue your bed. And then I realized “oh, this is a DIFFERENT Sinclair law offices!” It has come to my attention that there are like 800 lawyers named “Sinclair,” most of them in Florida. And so I just searched for the address, which is either “harborview properties” or the center of a road, depending on whether I believe google’s text or map search more. So I’m either being harassed by a seriously small time operation or it simply does not exist. Yeh, they want $150,000 so they can stop renting space and pay someone to make a website for them.

If Eli and the Shipyard Brewers had followed Popeye and the Happy Co.’s examples, I would have just made fun of their copyright notices and we’d never have had this problem. Or I could have linked to DUDE, IT’S SHIPYARD and cried myself to sleep. This is what comedy is in Maine. It’s also in Mp4 format. I’m never one to say “get with the times,” but mice all-whitey, use a quicker imbedded video format. This is a couple boozos talking about boze, not mc escher the movie.

If I could give advice to you: don’t reuse pictures from other people’s websites, don’t insert Hitler into them, and most certainly do not link to the original website if you do the other two things. The only reason I did that was because I wanted people to see the scary, minimum effort, totally unnecessary Flash welcome. That these thugs found me means someone did, and I’m always glad to know people are clicking my links.



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