April 9, 2026
does anybody sincerely consider wheat thins “awesome?” the factory process through which the ingredients are formed into innumerable little squares and dumped into packages in set amounts, packages which are then sealed and boxed and distributed to markets around the world IS impressive but it is fairly standard in 2026. wheat thins are no more or less awesome than oreos or dinty moore beef stew or anything else with a TM on it.methods which can break down or effectively repurpose the mass amounts of plastic waste from the packaging would be more awesome and have less sodium. i wrote another “awesome” branding related gripe in 2014 and acknowledged i was by then outside the target demographic. What am i outside of now? it occurs to me that wheat thins are not a snack that kids generally request. maybe kids don’t even say “awesome” anymore. maybe awesome is following me as i age and applying itself to gradually more elderly-related things. maybe prostate examinations, sneezing so hard that you hurt yourself and tennis balls instead of wheels will be “awesome” by 2030. erectile dysfunction pills of course have been already for some time, ESPECIALLY if you start a garage band to perform songs about how you need those pills. can anything be AS awesome?
I have no recollection of what this was in the context of and i cannot imagine any way that it might be good. which is a pleasant change having that not be related to government policy.
ha ha eh I am ill this week. I could never have come up with that line about hurting myself sneezing without having just now done it.
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The incredible Doctor Sju sez:
While I agree that describing them as “100% awesome” may indeed be an overstatement, were I at a party with assorted cracker options, I’d probably choose Wheat Thins over any non-whole wheat cracker, although probably not above any whole grain cracker with entire grain colonels or seeds mixed in. Then again, I’ve always preferred grain products which taste like grains, whereas the continued existence of Wonderbread and Premium saltine crackers seems to suggest a large contingent that prefers grain products which taste like white.
Frimpinheap sez:
even with my likely relative lack of party experience I do not deny that they fill a role effectively but including a percentage seems redundant unless the value is less than 100. I would accept wheat thins declaring themselves no more than 32% awesome.
I WAS recently in a grocery store near an implied married couple somehow older than me while they discussed how much wonder bread they were going to purchase, and it was more than one package. The only statement I specifically recall was the womaner of the two declaring “i love wonder bread.” I have never knowingly touched wonder bread, and despite the name have not been curious about it.