I’m a selfish, ungrateful wretch who never does anything for anybody, but as long as you don’t know that, “the holiday season” is a great excuse to slack off on page updating.

Isn’t it embarrassing enough going to Wal Mart to buy beans? I imagine a society in which beans may not legally be sold to children, and the only way to purchase them at most stores is to tell an attendant to get them for you. “Pardon me, my good cashiersman, but I require Beanee Weenee posthaste. And how! Do not tarry in rendering the product unto me! I have seen you tarry on past occasions and today that simply will not do.”

Wouldn’t it make more sense for a fish to wear a helmet over its ah snout than the top of its head, if a fish were to wear a helmet at all? In the event of a loss of control fish don’t really fall, they just keep going forward. Stupid fish. This fish, by the name of “Finn,” has also committed other questionable acts.
I can’t even work my way far down this image enough to wonder how the fish is operating that tiny bicycle or what the wheels are turning against to generate propulsion.

In the cold section at a Walgreens, or a CVS, or some other such place where a reasonable person should not be buying groceries:

Why bother freezing it? That stuff is 100% preservative. It makes packaged faddulous diet nonsense look palatable by comparison.
My problem with lunchables isn’t that they’re “lazy;” they aren’t any less so than Pop Tarts and bagels and people act satisfied with that junk all the time. Which actually is my problem, just not today. My current problems with lunchables are that they have tiny portions and must surely be really gross. I brought lunches to schools from my home every day applicable because I hated the small, gross things the school had and also the very idea that I might pay money for them. Hours in advance (Some people paid for whole weeks at once, which to me seemed and seems outright foolish even if you usually like that sort of thing). As long as a monetary transaction was taking place, I must have reasoned, I should get a pizza. A real pizza, I mean. Why call that rubbish “pizza” when it so obviously isn’t and dumb kids are buying your bad lunches anyway? Have some dignity. No, not the curious orange lump that comes with the ‘B’ lunch.

There has been much popular lore regarding the criminally awful food like things presented in schools, yet people still eat them. To do so is a skill I have always lacked. I’m probably luckier than I realize.

But lunchables! If my mother, a person fairly well acquainted with me and who wasn’t preparing mealoids for 500 other brats

let me get stuck with the same sort of thing as the cafetorium produced except colder (or sausage) I’d… I’d… just not eat it. And then some yak at the school would force one of its lunches on me, and then I wouldn’t eat that, like I said I wouldn’t, and then someone would call my house later saying we owed them two dollars, and I would be shamed for life. That would be dreadful.

Evidently, I like clouds. I had no idea.

That, the previous thing, I only mentioned it because I felt I had to. I didn’t, really, but eh I did. A proper dissertation on that website’s garbagityness would surely have taken few days for me to get out and wouldn’t have been all that entertaining. Not that what I ultimately said was, but in this alternate case the intent wouldn’t even have been there. Intent is important, so you don’t get cold at night. I do this to amuse myself, after all.
Only on the internet does a name like “detroit is crap” pass for innocuous.

Ehhh? What could this mean?

If you can paste your hand-grasping-noose logo on to the beginning of video clips you recorded off of local news broadcasts, if you can urge people to print and place the awful thing in all possible public areas, if you can host your own fairly popular white supremacy website, you can host your own food stamps picture. Or get an imageshack account like every other webhobo out there. Great gimpity.

It may not hurt their cause one way or another to have a posterior wiping cartoon frog on their main page instead of a food stamp picture, I just didn’t want whoever that was to get exactly what he or she, –ehhh– he wanted. This would be true even if he wasn’t a disgusting white supremacist, but he is (There’s a bit of anti-semitism mixed in, but it’s not the main focus). I also didn’t want to substitute anything that would potentially get American History X coming after me, at least to the extent that someone can “come after” me on the imaginary internet, because I’m really no good at dealing with that. I almost cried when somebody typed “faggot” at me once. And it was by a lady person older than me who draws pictures of elves wearing leotards, so obviously my personal defenses are not all that great.

What that website does is selectively (I must assume) display news reports about dark-skinned people in the area who have committed really nasty crimes/said something kind of dumb. In the cases where no suspect has been named, egg: “white woman’s torso found shoved in manhole” the site assumes a black person did it.

I can’t excuse what a few really poor crazed black and guessed-to-be-black people do today any more than I can excuse what a lot of really rich socially acceptable white people did 100 years ago and also before and after that. The fact is that what’s happening in Detroit is merely an excuse for people who were already racists to pretend they have a point. Much like I use new garbage computer generated movies to complain about the ones I already hated. They don’t hate Detroit because of blacks, they hate Detroit because they hate blacks. An oversimplified explanation for a complicated problem? It is less so than is lynch advocacy.

These people scare me, and I’m probably whiter, pigmentally, than any of them. I assume there are quite a bunch because I’ve had over 400 hitz to the one warmlinked picture in just the first day of December. For me, that’s a lot to have in a month. If “webalizer” is to be trusted, it’s over three times what I get to any of my actual pages, robot visits included! I’m too tired from investigating the issue of today to try to figure out if this is a joke or isn’t.

I was making fun of the depiction of food stamp recipients, not the recipients themselves. It’s alright to show impoverished masses as dancing smiling foops if you’re adapting a Charles Dickens story for stage, but if you’re a government agency I think you should take a more realistic approach. And if you’re an angry white kook in Detroit I’d appreciate if you didn’t bite my bandwidth, regardless of whether I was likely to eat it myself. That’s rude.

It’s possible to view what I wrote four years ago as implicit unjustified racism, but it isn’t that. There is some resentment for the specific class of poor people who are no good bums and/or brutally violent, but this is independent of their brown quotient and doesn’t extend to people who might happen to superficially resemble them who are neither bums nor violent. And that bit of resentment certainly is not of a militantly hostile nature. There is a considerable amount of crime and general evilness between races, because of races, but it goes in every direction. Anybody who believes that one “side” should, can or will prevail is not thinking properly. Even the concept of distinct “races” in itself is flawed, but bwah on that for now.

I think if the food stamp picture were in any way accurate, websites like the one about Detroit would not exist. Or they would but I’d just laugh at them. I confess I have a weakness for sites written in complete sentences, but I want no association with that one beside what I’m saying right now. I may even rebut this later.

I have not added a new page of stupid non-storyish pictures recently. Ah, there we go. The delay is not surprising: look at how big they are! They were heavy and quite difficult to lift. If you’ve seen some of them already, then I must have been the victim of art theft.

Evidently, wordpress has a post-size limit. “Evidently” by its inability to process ones over a certain size, not because this information is explained or acknowledged anywhere, because it isn’t.
This is what I was trying to tell you.

As I said to mxy, and in fact exactly what I said, as I merely copied the text, I’ve unfortunately not been able to work any of the truly stupid, tenuous wiki trivia into any of my complaints here. The tv show “Joey,” despite being, as I hear it, hated by everyone, had a considerable list of direct, vague, and non-existent references to Friends, the show it was spun off from. Who’d have thought, ehhh?

In the first episode of Season 2, Zak is on the table in a hospital and he makes a reference to Hugh Laurie who plays Dr. House in FOX’s House, who, humourously, is also the passenger on the plane who sat next to Jennifer Aniston’s character Rachel Green in the episode “The One With Ross’s Wedding: Part One”.

In a rare act of anything from me, I removed the “humourously” from this comment, justifying myself with

It’s a tremendous stretch merely to call that a coincidence, let alone a humourous one, and even if it is (it isn’t), the humor ought to be self evident.

…it isn’t, I restrained myself from adding. This is the sort of otherwise uninhibited boldness that only comes about when I’m awake at 9 am. Unfortunately, I forgot to loggeth-in, and perhaps the greatest of my 12 wikipedia edits is not included with the rest. If I had space I also would have criticized the needless spelling out of “Rachel Green’s” full name and the identifying of the actor who portrayed it. There’s really no wrong reason to hate Friends trivia and the people who compile it. Watch the show if you want, and even enjoy it if that’s so important to you, but keep it out of my potato salad. There are a number of packaged Friends trivia “games,” most in English, enough that it would greatly distort my focus to mention them today. Some other time, perhaps. After I finish writing about Kinder Surprise, Zelda Classic, Whirlo, my other problem with Wikipedia and being sued by Capt’n Eli (never).

Later, some other froog removed the line entirely stating

House didn’t even exist when “The One With Ross’s Wedding: Part One” went to air, so I don’t see the relevance.

Hey, don’t complain at me. I didn’t PUT it there. I thought if I’d deleted the whole thing it would just come back and I’d get one of those “Welcome to Wikipedia! Please spend a year reading our manifesto etc. etc.” things on my discussion page. It occurs to me that this kindly helper is surely as much a part of the problem as anyone, as it insists on typing out the entire title, including the “part one” and the “the one with.” It seems that every episode of Friends except the very last one bears a title starting with “the one with.” So you needn’t include it every time. More importantly, I hate enforced casualness. I should have a right to refer to them that way, not be required to. They should not officially be called that. Yeah, ha ha, it’s our running gag, right? No, because it’s not funny and it’s annoying. It’s just a ritual. You could change it but you don’t. Even change itself only occurs through ritualistic lack of change. Just like you only changed your hair because Jenniferniston’s character Rachel Green changed her hair, and often enough during the show’s run that such events are also stupid Friends trivia that the world insists on me knowing. I just assumed you had stupid hair. No, I didn’t even notice your hair, so you might as well not have bothered.

Unfortunately, by now Joey’s trivia section has been done away with entirely. Trivia sections seem to be disappearing on a lot of pages, losing me one of my greatest sources of joyful rage on Wikipedia, one of my greatest reasons to whine about it. Even the Hammerspace page, which was essentially an entire article of garbage nerd trivia has been cut down considerably into a mere brief acknowledgment on the Magic Satchel page.

It’s still a long way from being reputable though, thankfully. As long as those “this user is” boxes exist, I cannot rest.

I’m glad the writer guildists of America went on a strike. I’m tired of television. I’m tired of being compulsively tied to things which no longer interest me all that much. I wish the internet would go on strike, too. I’m busy. And tired. As I said.
Ordinarily, shows come on and I panic horribly if I do not see them, even if failing to do so affects my life not a bit. I’ll discuss the shameful, shamful implementation of “complete episodes online!” some other time than this. Maybe if that magic electric box leaves me alone for a while I’ll form a proper complaint. But I’ll tell you I suffer watching TV shows on time, and for the only free alternative to be so cruel is not nice.

Yea, one can buy programs pressed on to the deeveedies at the end of a season, usually, always, now, but then I have to pay money and then I have to find a place for them and I’ll only ever watch them once if ever and oh oh oh it’s magic if I find a solution that works.
I certainly don’t like the idea of people losing their jobs, but they aren’t doing that. They want their jobs to be better. I don’t regard it as a tragic contradiction of life that mine can only be better while theirs have difficulties because I’m just a bit weak right now. I’ll be better. Some day.

You must be thinking that I really like reality tv! If you’re any of the people who have been paid to write about this, because they always go with that angle. But it is actually the opposite! With actual thought now out of the question, I, in theory, no longer have any reason to watch television! Or at least no reason to feel compelled to! So liberating!

But oh how I hate the “expect more reality tv” line. First of all, don’t give in to that awful inaccurate label. I’ll never penetrate my mind with it. You take people specifically chosen for their personality defects, place them into goofy, phony situations, divide them into arbitrary groupings and make them compete in bizarre contests that have nothing to do with anything and you continue to call it “reality.” Ugh agh egh. And even though they’re competing, rather than defeating each other they stand in a line and then some other dork who’s supposedly better but never bothers proving it walks up and then gets rid of one, eventually, but only one. Sometimes they tell me I voted for it, but I didn’t and beside that the fact remains that an unseen external party ultimately made the decision. And sometimes that’s the way actual reality (I should never have had to make such a distinction) is, but I suspect even that’s rigged. I’ve told you 75% of my audience is advertising robots, haven’t I? I’ve additionally observed that “real” reality often lacks a clear winner. If I block every prescription drug name from comments and lock every item the robots comment on, I don’t feel any better. Then I start worrying that Todd Rundgren or Kopiu J. Plimpton or Bacon Wethersfield want to have a serious and earnest discussion with me about Fioricet but saw that they were unable to do so and moved on.

My second issue: Don’t assume I’ll watch that! I’m not more likely to view that which legally qualifies as nonfiction just because there’s more of it. I am curious as to who, if not writers, have the task of devising the nonsensical, irrelevant tasks and gimmicks that comprise reality these days. But not so much that I’ll watch these actual events in the world transpire, with the hoping of glimpsing at a few pertinent end credits. Perhaps they are the same writers, who aren’t affected in this instance merely because most of reality happened during the Summer but needed time to be edited and to wait for the Fall broadcast season. I wish someone would take a few months and edit my reality to be more entertaining. I could use a break from that, too. Also, we must give the contestants sufficient distance to prepare for a special reunion show at the game-like-thing’s conclusion. Why would they want to reunite if they’d just parted, and supposedly hated each other the whole while?

Did you know “I have a bad feeling about this” is a star wars reference? I didn’t. I don’t think most people who say it do. Not until maybe last year did I find out when I read it online, and then I forgot it until today when I read it again. And I’ve seen all the Star Warses! I contrast this with “I love it when a plan comes together,” which I know is from The *A* Team without having ever watched the A-Team or wanted to. I know that “kneel before Zod” and any remarks regarding a “son of Jor-El” are Superman references even though I’ve read less than 5 Superman comics my entire life and they weren’t about anything. So yes, I know a few things about distinct, unusual phrases which people quote for no reason.

Nerf herders and fuzzballs which laugh it up are Star Warsy. Bad feelings are not. Nerf fuzzballs are also not. I wish they were, though. The galaxy would be a much more peaceful place, then. One rarely experiences bad feelings when struck by the orange projectiles. In the situation of decimating, vaporizing destruction caused by photon torpedoes, death-stars and the like, it may well be nerf or nuthin’ [but scattered invisible atoms which I have no use for].

I don’t think bad feelings really are Star Wars references. The legend goes that every star wars movie contains that line at least once. But a lot of movies contain that line at least once. I don’t know if it was totally unheard of before 1977, but I do know that by 1994 it was absolutely generic, and so a nameless character saying it in a situation which there is good reason to have bad feelings about is unremarkable. I hardly think mentioning every time this is mentioned every time is not stupid. However, I wouldn’t dare attempt to amend a wiki page about Final Fantasy threevi or Star Wars. I can hardly handle the scrutiny, doubting and abuse when I edit pages that I keep to myself. I have a bad feeling about telling people to stop reporting on others’ reports of bad feelings.

I’ll grant that “I have a bad feeling” is a stupid, awkward, hackneyed thing to write into a script, but stupid hackney enthusiasts rarely realize they are that, tending to be somewhat stupid and hackneyed themselves. Saying “oh, well, I copied it from Star Wars” amounts to less than a valid excuse.

I don’t fare well in tense situations. However, I have fared well in situations related to tense. In the future as well I believe that I will. Or so I thought. I recently came across a conundrum which created a crisis of confidence.

When was this place open? Or rather, these places? When were they open? Which point in the past does their “now” refer to? Were they open when they began work on the sign, but aware that they’d be closed by the time it was on display? I feel so inferior not knowing.

The thing I am trying to put here is causing serious problems. I shall have to make it a normal web page. Unfortunately, there’s no excuse for a normal webpage to be that bad. Back to work, then…

I don’t know which one to beat up first. The left for starting this or the right for following and being proud of that plus its previous crimes. One thing certain is that this preposterous pair do not deserve such elegant fingers.

Off the chain? You’d be OFF MY FRIEND LIST if you were on it and I was the sort of person who considered that an acceptable way of communicating disapproval. I don’t adhere to latest trends anyway, but I certainly don’t trust stupid smiling partially dressed animal people to tell me what those are!
As for the bow tie beanoid, that thing is ECSTATIC. It’s so proud to be wearing a head chain and a bow tie. As long as it can wear the bow tie it will do whatever it thinks is popular. That twit is just a crony. That’s all. It has no real talents. it uses its sychophantic skills to obtain positions of relative power and tries to get laws enacted about stupid things like bow ties. It has information… it knows things (despite being a thing which lacks a nose)… It knows bombs are being sent, and by whom, but it keeps quiet just because its bow tie seems to be respected. It demands not only that any possible sub ordinates wear bow ties, but that the bow ties be smaller than its own. Trust me, I saw its diary.

The bow tie beast could never survive in the wild. It has no natural defenses with which to fight back and no legs with which to evade peril altogether. All it has is big arms. Although the grimp does evidently have opposing thumbs, the thing can’t make and use tools; it is a tool. If it invited me to its birth-day party I would give it a one of these. I’m not just some stupid animal so I’d do it properly.

I have pages and pages of this.

Could we stop with the u2 greatest hits? No? We can’t?

How long must we sing this song? I don’t know, that’s up to you, buddy. Unless this is some kind of torture technique. How long must we sing this song? Until you TALK, that’s how long.
I heard that song on WLIR 105.7. The WOLRD FAMOUS WLIR 105.7

They’re not messing around. All over de waruld, despite every other radio station in the country playing the same songs, wlir is known for being… just for being. People in Borduria are setting up satellite systems to intercept the signals. You can buy pirate tapes of it in China.

All that and a side of onion rings holds true for the Clam Castle. Surely you have heard of it, so I will not even explain it. The residing monarchs, the astounding clams with eyes on the outsides of their shells, they attract spectators and scholars from across this planet and others.

Across the road, Pip’s arcade, AyKayAy whatever Boring Souldraining White-Collared Place of Business 367028 is calling itself these days. I miss having an arcade nearby. So many memories. This was the place where two thugs I never saw before or again swindled me out of fifty cents by praising my skill with Captain America & The Avengers. Fifty whole cents! It was all the money I had in the world at the time. I don’t think I even got to level three. I really wish you hadn’t brought this up.

Over the summer I’ve seen a lot of whining about the planned Geico cavemen tv show, and thankfully very little support, but a point a lot of people fail to acknowledge is that if the men don’t live in caves they’re not really cavemen. That’s bothered me ever since that second ad which showed three of them sharing an apartment together. Just the fact that the first one was an ad, naturally, bothered me, but the cave error itself did not become evident until later. Clearly the krippendorfs aren’t in a cave, so what are they so offended by? They’re just excessively hairy men with oddly shaped skulls, aren’t they? Unless they lived in caves recently, they can’t really claim it as part of their culture any more than I can. And if they did live in caves, like whole communities of them, just because they didn’t know any better, then they probably were kind of stupid, and likely lacked the computer skills the offending fake geico ad-within-an-ad implied they did not have.

How about Aliens in America? That has to be the worst tv show I swore long in advance never to watch with “Aliens in” in the title since Aliens in the Family. I’m personally tired of goofish overdone Indian accents. I don’t know how authentic this one is, but it certainly sounds a lot like the fake ones I’m sick of. In one ad the Indian, from India, a largely (but not entirely!) Hindu country, praises “Allah,” and over something trivial, so… yesh, probably expect some letters, in the event anyone watches. Why did I write that? I don’t know beets about religion and shouldn’t talk like I do. If anyone should be getting angry letters it is me. WHY WON’T ANYONE SEND ME ANGRY LETTERS? Considering it’s a country with people who’d set a bus on fire because the government doesn’t believe an army of monkeys built something thousands of years ago, there’s a chance some of them have similarly sensitve relatives over seas. Yikes, even if the monkeys did build it, they obviously aren’t using it now. I don’t see the problem. Yet there is one. I’m glad we don’t let banana snatchers in the army over here.

Another one I suspect less than the best from is every one. But specifically, there’s one just called Chuck. I will no longer tolerate no good oafs with no skills getting by on dumb luck all the time. Inspector Gadget, while illegally retarded had gimmicks and tricks; all Chuck has is his name. MacGyver, that was someone worth paying attention to. Chuck’s just “Chuck,” a name intentionally chosen to highlight how ordinary and low class the twerp is. Chuck is Everyman. I hate Everyman. Not every man, just everyman. There are decent men in the world, why does the one which represents all of them have to be a useless slob? I’ve never watched the Family Guy, not even when one of my personal idols Robert Bunny James II told me it was great, not even before all the popular people who hate it started saying so, but I easily can see that Family Guy himself is the least interesting person on the show named after him. The Kings of Queens and The Hill seem to barely not live out of dumpsters. What the gives?

Back to Chuck, Chuck meets a woman who is a spy, apparently good at what she does, and not a realistic spy, either; one of those action spies that does neat things, but of course the show can’t be named after or about her. And if it was it would have to be like an E Surance ad anyway, and no one smart wants that. Ideally this program will be canceled before woman disgraces her entire family and Everywoman (as portrayed by Chaka Kahn) by doing sex with Chuck. There’s also a movie called “Good Luck Chuck” which for all I know is about the same Chuck. I need less chuck in my life. If you tossed all them chucks in a wagon, I wouldn’t chase it.

I told you no! Help! Rape! Rape!

In short, I’m not impressed by ads for anything new, and I don’t want to be, since I watch too much junk anyway.

I also gratefully feel uninclined to observe Back to You. You (and I mean whatever “you” happens to be reading this, and not necessarily the same you addressed in the television program’s title) know, I never get tired of sabotaged teleprompter jokes. Ha ha, see, local news anchors, they’ll read anything you put in front of them, get it? Because people on local newses are dumb. That’s why they’re local. Not network news, though. Serious Business. Katie Couric, Matt Lauer, Terry Moran, Not Peter Jennings, Bob Costas, they’re professionals. Then there’s the Kelsey Grammer factor, which I’ve whined about plenty of times. Maybe he’s become less annoying in his time off a regular series. I may not even resent Back to You if it’s successful. Who knows, it may find itself added in future printings of National Lampoon’s Sunday Newspaper to the list of productions it swears ripped it off. But probably not! Exclamation point

Here’s how to know if you’re a conceited ass: you’ve ever referred to something you did in the past as a “Rosetta Stone.” I might as well call Umiliphus the Rosetta Stone of hacky celebrity cameos in sprite comics. That is, unless you can prove the ones with Bill Gates came first or that CATS from Zero Wing is a celebrity.
As unlikely as it is that some guys made some thing in the 1970s and then got suddenly re-involved 25 years later just to fellate their careers on the back cover of a book version, it’s not impossible to believe. Anyway, the word “lampoon” always made me mad.

By the rourke, don’t try and convince me two people are comedic geniuses and then tell me one works for Rolling Stone magazine and another wrote The Breakfast Club. I realize you already did and it’s too late to change that, but for the future just keep my words in mind. I’m glad we had this chat.