Why is a regular baseball hat considered fashionable outside of sporting contexts, but I never see any non-baseball-players casually wearing the reinforced plastic version? This is much better defense if somebody throws a pine cone at you trying to knock off your stupid hat.
Caitlin Jenner not getting 100% universal respect for a conspicuously public and expensive makeover, there is a tragedy worth taking to the streets over. I have my own jennder issues, and maybe I am sensitive about it, but I acknowledge that it is STRANGE and that there are things to laugh at there. Fribbity boppity everybody with a tv show was laughing at the guy’s ridiculous surgery before he announced he was a woman. Do not pretend you were behind this issue all the way if you weren’t, and do not pretend you are behind this issue now if a mangling of superficial body properties is a requirement for you to accept somebody’s mental state.
Also, this was originally midway through an uncomfortably large digression in that entry about the deaths of celebrities. Hopefully it will be slightly easier to read without this conspicuously not-relevant portion in it!
May 11 was once again bimshwel’s birthday. That is somewhat confusing since I have lately taken to allowing myself to be called bimshwel, and that is not my birth-day. I sold mine to cover ransom expenses. However, it was very close to mother’s day, and I am like this website’s mother. It gave me no honor on my day, and when I waited for its day, I decided it should also wait, hence a post on May 12. But then I could not find the pictures I needed, so I pushed it back to May 13. However, on May 13 I need to issue an education presentation on the subject of dopes at the debut of the world famous “Jess and Ian Show” (featuring Ian of Joey and Ian: Gettin’ Dead fame) in New Haven, so I brought this post back to May 12. All this time travel is wearing me out.
Legally, the website is thirteen years old. I remember when I turned 13, in 1996. The nintendo 64 ehhhntertainment system was just being released, and I became almost instantly disillusioned with and bored by 3d, and it never let up in the years since, thereby thoroughly cutting me off from about the only interest I up to that point shared with people my own age, concurrent with video games becoming the PRIMARY bonding medium for those people. And they act as if video games prior to the point when I started hating exist only as meritless kitsch to use in obnoxious breakfast cereal advertisements. I took a picture of some tacky “retro” pixel art being used to sell some surely appetizing packaged ingredient formation in a 7-11 a year ago and just now spent an hour searching for it, with no results. What misery! How could you treat your own mother like that! I would send you to your room, but I decided being vicariously lived-through by an abusive parent is punishment enough.
I will be attempting to sell art at the Connecticut Walk for Autism on Sunday. Autism is apparently big business. So much so that it needs us to walk so we can raise money for more autism with which to generate more business.
Ideally, my presence will repel folk with such force as to make the event a Run, therefore raising more money.
But I am kidding; in fact my wares do quite well among people with diagnosed mental disorders. I have one so I can say that, and can disclaim responsibility if told I cannot. It is called a “autism spectrum.” I am not entirely sure what that means, but it sounds fancy. Somebody asked me what my spectrum was and I replied “the visible spectrum.” I do not always know if anyone else knows what I am talking about, but I am pretty sure they can see me. And if they cannot, that is my chance to escape.
I wish “breakfast just got sexier” was the stupidest thing I ever heard in a Dunkin Donuts advertisement, but it is hard to beat “artisan bagel.” Or “doing things is what we like to do.”
on the topic of doughnuts, with cookie dough and brownie batter around, why are you making doughnuts? It seems like you are half way to making two better things.
Just because these are limited edition doughnuts does NOT mean we are running out of doughnuts!
Also, my spellchecking mechanism recognizes donuts but not doughnuts.
The advertisement was audible again while I was writing this, because I am not allowed to write without voices coming at me incessantly, and apparently the announcer is saying “breakfast just got zestier.”
Which means they are chopping up little bits of zest brand soap into the Ore Ida tater tots they call hash browns, trying to outdo Taco Bell’s Dorito taco. In which event I still will not eat it but will be just as perturbed and curious.
An alternate, more common interpretation of “zestier” is as a code word for “we got more salt in there.” I am impressed it was possible but am otherwise uninterested. Even though the product features guacamole made with REAL avacadoes! Because I am supposed to be impressed that a company which has earned trillions of dollars selling food made food properly. Don’t you people who have been eating the fake stuff feel silly now! No, that is probably not something that you feel. Soon the Apple company will be boasting that if you order an ipad the box won’t be full of strawberry jam.
The fact that, even as a eunuch, I heard “sexier” and found it only mildly surprising for our current state of advertising suggests that a sexier breakfast may not in fact be far off.
I mean, assuming that is possible. We might not even need to get an artist to draw big eyelashes and high heeled shoes on this munchstrosity.
Now you are just being gross.
There was a period, I am uncertain how long, when I understood a condom to be a heavy, plastic box-like object. This followed the period when I did not understand a condom to be different from a condo, and I misunderstood several mad magazine gags as a result.
The imagined object was transparent at the sides, but the edges were thick and black in color. I knew one was used during sex acts but was not certain how it worked. I reckoned it was uncomfortable. Seeing the word still brings to my mind the same imagery, occasionally. I have even seen a real one in person, though I have never knowingly touched one. They look unpleasant. The same applies to walruses.
“You don’t just eat ’em” is the trademarked slogan for pringles brand potato crisps. What does that mean? I thought eating them was the extent of my obligation if I came into possession of them, but apparently that is inadequate. And like many rules of society, the further expectation is not explained. What else should I be doing with these not-quite chips? Is the moronic “duck mouth,” which dominated the brands’ 1990s advertising, and which nobody should ever, ever do, now compulsory? Am I supposed to build something out of pringles? Is Kellogg, who purchased the brand from the Proctor and Gamble company in 2012, with its greater investment in remotely nutritional products, looking to instruct me on the full function of my digestive system? You don’t just eat em, you digest and excrete em.
And yet the ambiguous grammar of conversational english makes it difficult to determine if this is instruction or merely information. Sometimes an orator says “don’t” when one means “shouldn’t.” This may mean you SHOULD not merely eat Pringles. Be a responsible citizen; recycle the can afterward. Make a a kaleidoscope or store your travel toilet brush in it. Keep one as a blank round for a t-shirt gun and another as a marital aid for any medium-sized ungulate you are keeping (whose marriage is in need of aid, obviously; I would be practical, not lewd). Or perhaps this means that you should not eat Pringles without adequate preparation. Don’t just eat ’em, consider the risks. Ask your doctor if Pringles are right for you. The Pringles virus may already be inside you.
I have been out of the pringle game a long time, so this catchphrase, arriving in my presence without the context of a greater advertising campaign, has me somewhat bewildered. I stopped buying them when the company stopped putting fake little green things on the sour cream and onion chips like every other company does. Not that, in my experience, pieces of real native onions are ever green, you, the producer, have cultivated me as an american consumer to expect certain things without considering if they link up with reality, especially with regard to the color of things I put in my mouth. Grape is purple. Dew is green. Cheese is orange. Sour Cream and Onion chips have little green things on them. If you suddenly change a color or remove a component that contains a color, I need to know why. Otherwise I start wondering what those green things are or why I would eat “sour cream and onion” ANYTHING. I will not consume actual sour cream. I always make sure it is not in my burritos. It is essentially the Mexicish equivalent of mayonnaise for joints that never kept up on their trendy fees enough to have been issued chipotle mayonnaise. Disgusting white goop needs to be in all prepared food. They invent new names to make it harder for me to ask to not have it.
Now “aioli” is the unexplained mystery ingredient but I am not fooled! I would not even eat Aioli pringles.
I have seen some people who claim to “blog every day.” Is that something to be proud of? There is no legal guideline for what constitutes “blogging” and it can amount to nothing more than posting a video you found or had found at you. I should not compare myself to such people. If my page is just stuff off of other peoples’ pages, why should anyone come to it? With that in mind, here is something nobody else would want on their page. I fell out of practice on this method, but most of my better pictures are done in the method so clearly it should not be ignored. Nor should consideration of subject matter quality.
Street tacos, made with real gravel and grit. Throw on some mud gravy if you feel adventurous. Then put it in your mouth at some point.
Unless I am to take this as “tacos from a street vendor,” which means face and brain matter, for the authentic cabeza flavor, and the cost-effectiveness that one reasonably associates with selling food out of a truck, unless you are still saving up for the truck. I forgot to check the ingredients but I am sure they are in there. Sure, I would eat that frozen and reheated. I hope this same brand starts offering street pizza as well. After eh, what is “evol” but evolution –survival and adaptation of the fittest– cut short? (It is also evil misspelled).
I hate the phrase “the inmates are running the asylum!” I have, on two distant past occasions, been involuntarily hospitalized, and if by some error I suddenly had freedom the worst thing I would do is leave. I would not trust in my ability to operate it as a business. Using the word “inmate” suggests an expectation of a prison-like state of affairs; what do you think most prisoners would do? Stick around and wait for Batman to show up? If you think they are wearing strait jackets also (and they would not be) then they would be in no condition to fight!
I do not think google gets my joke.
Time for dinner.
The problem should never have gotten this bad.
Well pho much for my attempt to post something every day. I ultimately get pulled in too many directions for me to remember this on all days. Still that was about 15 posts for January, more than any other month the last eight years, more likely. In fact I stopped reading The Onion about eight years ago because it started posting new things every day instead of once a week, and those things started being videos that had one story, and then ALSO a text crawl of ludicrous headlines that would require a second viewing to catch. Or more likely a third viewing if I tried to pay attention to both parts the first time. And THEN it added a separate sport section that also updated every day. I never was interested in sporting but I had to look anyway and it was too much. It was too much time spent reading things that were made up and of no consequence, and then much worse if I let them pile up unread. Also too much of it veered to Saturday Night Live style where it was 90% copy of a regular boring news story with one key sentence off a bit now and then to remind readers that it was “satire.” It was like a job. And then I let the same thing happen with the tv shows I still watched. I was relieved when Steve Colbert’s Report show concluded because I actually did like that show and did not have the option of quitting because I wanted to. I relish no longer wanting to watch it.
I was disappointed that my favorite muppet, The Count, was absent from the final broadcast’s time-wasting guest montage. However, Henry Kissinger looks sufficiently muppetish, and is also a vampire.
There may be other characters he resembles also. For example, here he looks like Mr. Wright from the Super NES version of Simcity.
Also note that while Colbert Report’s website deleted his interview with Bill Cosby from last September 24 barely a month later when longstanding allegations against Cosby were abruptly given credence by The Main Ice Cream Media, Kissinger, a war criminal before Cosby ever abused a glass of Jesus juice, whose actions actually killed people, and is, one assumes, due for an abrupt mass retroactive hate dump at any time, was deemed public-relationsly safe enough to close out the series as a whole yet later than that. Because unlike Kissinger or the now-beloved convicted rapist Mike Tyson, Cosby kept his secrets secret for a long time, so instead of getting a public reprieve in older age, he has to take major scrutiny and blacklisting for the first time. So is he, like Jerry Lee Lewis, who may or may not have murdered at least one of his wives, going to have to retreat to his hometown and buy off everybody? Surely he has enough money that he CAN. He does not NEED to be on television to pay for whatever Neverland Ranch kind of place he might start living in as a recluse. And Kissinger is 91. In ten years Cosby will be 87. He may yet have a few years of appreciation waiting after people resume not caring what he might have done. Clearly I need to start committing some big crimes to get more attention a few years after I get punished for doing them. Although THEN everybody will be disappointed when I fail to post an update every day.
If a bullet ricochet sound effect has been heard in a Yosemite Sam cartoon, please consider not putting it in your serious World War I movie.