Slaughter Balloons
I first hinted at the idea back in 2008 for a greeting card design. However, nobody wants to be greeted by dumb old nemitz (the orange, incorangeable imp). The card I made still ultimately had a nemitz in it but that does not mean anybody wanted it there.
The only major thing I changed was putting the balloons in a bucket, but I decided on that rather late! It was suggested to me that due to the uncommon environment it was not clear what the balloons were. It must have been so jarringly unclear that the commenter neglected to say “and also, please shove that dumb mitz off the cliff edge back there.
There also was an issue in which I kept making the house in the background crummier but it still seemed too fancy for nemitz. But you know, an emptied fish barrel is too fancy for nemitz. A laundry basket is too fancy for nemitz. A non-emptied fish barrel is too fancy for nemitz and violates the civil rights of fish. I just had to accept that and move on.
I will have an update on Sunday or my name is not Dwobo Stupwutch. And my name is not Dwobo Stupwutch, but if I fail to display an update that will still be the case.
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Page 4 of part 3 of thistle. I keep telling myself when I get a break I will sort out the automated comic system I spent days installing months ago, but I used the break making this new page instead.
The last few times the production got stretched across a lengthy period and I developed a hoard of stupid notes about it that I had to figure out for the website posting. If I did that this time I cannot find any, lucky for you! However, as before, I am concerned about the frequency with which the lizard has been appearing without a mouth lately. I intended to show a picture of it without a mouth here and then looked closer and realized it had a mouth in every pertinent frame, and contradicting me is even worse! I had to waste another minute erasing its mouth in the picture I just showed. Typical pitiful lizard move. Additionally:
I will normally not stick up for dumb imps, but how DARE nemitz talk to elpse that way? How can it live with mitself? Notice how its ears went up just for that remark, like it is prouder of itself than usual. nemitz how would you feel if i said to you “scrobbly doodly nemitz?” Why don’t you think about that awhile. If you have a reason why you don’t I have a reason why I don’t want to hear it!
I wish we could all agree to stop acknowledging nemitz, and just pretend it was not there. Perhaps with time it will choose to not be!
page 3 of this we are up to! After all these years, FINALLY at page 3!
The future of the automated comic display system is currently being evaluated then, and thus I have not done it yet.
This page SEEMS useless, but it re-establishes for this “chapter” that lope is a nuisance, and that elpse is a nuisance, that the hat does not like, and solves the problem of my re-establishing that elpse hates robots on the previous page without sending the story off in a more interesting direction than I had planned before i thought to put the robots there. The robots had solved the problem of elpse being about to murder lope for having hit nemitz with the car earlier than that. And this re-establishes that nemitz and elpse forgive each other for their mutual nuisancical qualities (even though I have personally advised elpse against this forgiveness).
For the first time in a while I made up the colors instead of pulling them out of previous pages. It seems to have been an improvement, though the previous pages now appear very dull by comparison. And of course these will be re-dulled when they are printed, so it is probably better to keep doing it the other way even if that looks worse on a computer screen. But we both know that I am contractually obligated to find the most complicated, inconsistent and unintuitive way of doing all tasks.
In other news, the dumb lizard is so pathetic, sometimes it doesn’t even have a mouth, and just has a nose. This thing is incredibly fortunate I need two months to get out a new page. It has no idea how many dumb things it is not doing due to me being held up. And neither do I! Stupid things just HAPPEN when I put it on a page.
Why don’t you just shut up, nemitz. nobody has any interest in ANYthing you have to say. you might as well NOT TALK. Have you forgotten what I threatened to throw at you four years ago? Or have you remembered and here thrown my throw threat back at me? Neither of those is excusable.
Somebody who cannot read or does not understand english might look at this comic strip and think nemitz is saying something, when it IS NOT. 100% or more of what nemitz says is RUBBISH. Why do we, as a nation, put up with nemitz? I have had enough. Good NIGHT. Unless you are a brightly colored imp, in which event I wish you a very BAD night. You are so frustrating, I was distracted and inverted my capitalization scheme.
[don’t] ask nemitz a question on crumbumblr!
That is right, you can request basic life information from a creature that does not exist via a system that canonically that creature should have no clue about the actual existence of but that I regularly express contempt for.
Sound stupid? Well it is also egotistical and boring! I get to pretend people really care that hard, and they get to watch me act like I think this is perfectly normal and that I am entitled to it. But lots of people do it so it must be a very functional form of stupid. In fact I am going to use this as an opportunity to show nemitz for the vain and insufferable monster that it is.
There you have [nem]it[z]. I hope this has been deformative.
I expect I have alluded to this before, but may have never properly addressed it: Cracklin’ Oat Bran.
This box design has not been in use for some while, but provocateurs still attmpt to push the agenda by distributing empty boxes through trusted commerce channels like ebay and dumpsters that have not been cleared out in 15 years. The decision was made to remove cereal from the box not because it would be inedible a decade and a half in the future, but to reduce the weight for shipping, with the expectation that buyers could reclaim the exciting breakfast experience if they wished by eating the box.
“More, please.”
This is supposed to be a cereal for adults. Get your own dang cracklin oat bran. And for heap’s beep there is a G at the end of “crackling.” The first meal of the day and you are already slacklin’ off in multiple unrelated ways.
“More, please” is no request. It is a demand. The “please” is totally disingenuous. You are liable to be banished from this cruel Victorian workhouse with that sort of entitled attitude!
And that strawberry slice is a work of fiction; I have eaten fruit with cereal before (you are surprised at my adventurous tendencies, no doubt), and the distribution never works like that. Only with cautious planning is there enough fruit for there to still be any when the cereal runs out, and my boss here was not even smart enough to take a promotional photograph of a product with the product actually in it. I think this cracklin hobo has actually not had any cereal yet; there would be more crumbs than that, and plenty of unsightly white goop residue. If this were authentic I would not be able to look at the bowl to make such an analysis. But the bum didn’t even pour it out the first time. I could understand demanding more if you had painfully exerted yourself to fill the bowl, and that was your accomplishment for the day, and you now qualified for assistance. Trying to trick me by cracklin’ a few oat branuloids into an empty bowl and cutting one strawberry into half is disgraceful. You think I do not use my oat brain? You think I am using my raisin brain today? I am not such a tragic case!
Well there you go. You should never have gone. Another home wrecked by raisin brain. Could someone you tolerate have a raisin brain addiction? I am disgusted that you put up with that!
An older picture I recently altered to make prints of for a pumpkin-themed event
See if you can guess which table is mine
(hint: it is the one with the lamest merchandise that the least number of people are looking it)
I sold nothing, but I sold nothing at higher prices than I had ever sold nothing at before. Partially at the urging of the venue owner, and partially because for all my stabs at integrity it means nothing once I can blame something that feels like a lapse on someone else. It also means I now must keep that price consistent or else the people I showed the high price to will get angry when they see something less than that. Or they would if any had paid it.
Anyway, in addition to some free iced tea they were nice enough to let me have the featured artist space for January, (though the decision came prior to my recent performance) and I will have pictures on walls inside the restaurant, which will not have interaction with me as a condition to owning one. The scenario also is feasible that somebody may buy a picture just to get it OFF the wall so that food may be consumed more peacefully. I am intrigued to discover how I will mess this up.
This was an improvement on my last event, where there were mystery boxes dumped directly in front of my table which visitors used for sitting on while facing away from me and eventually for standing facing toward when all the boxes were taken. I would rather fail because of what I did than have nobody know I did anything. When that happens my goal becomes to make people know what I did, and I might not consider that I did something pathetic. After this week I feel like I have taken another step toward my ultimate goal of giving up. After all these months of distractions and setbacks it is nice to be making progress again.
Additionally, you may have become aware of the three for the moment unsightly link “buttons” now at the top of the main bimshwel page. If you had not then now you have, in a sense. One attempts to connect to whatever this is.
In the past i have given out “business” cards to people at events like these, but nothing ever comes of it because if anyone entered the website URL mentioned on the card, instead of art details they would see instead endless rambling about supermarkets and dumb things people do on the internet (such as write about it). Now they can find pictures, if they wait a few seconds for those awful “buttons” to load, and then they can see the pictures and think “yep, that’s the stuff I didn’t buy prints of today sold by that awkward weirdo who kept saying ‘hello’ out of forced habit but had no natural social inclinations beyond that. Gosh that was upsetting. Why did I take this card?”
I intend to make the awful buttons less awful, but I also intend to go running once in a while and eat pizza less often.
Ideally, the gallery’s rather default-looking setup is only temporary. Even so, it is rather nice for something free, I think. And unlike other free galleries, when something does not work it is not done deliberately as a ruse to try and sell me non-free version. It might be unethical for me to use something free as a means to make a profit, but I have not actually considered any way to use this for that purpose. I imagine I could send art-work through the mail. My imagination usually gets me into trouble.
Here is what my ridiculous imps would look like if I had business sense. More gimmicky, impossible to tell who drew them, and seemingly ripped off of other commercial properties. Is this an official spinoff of trolls or little ponies or care bears or an unrelated venture trying to chase the same buckwagon? People only relate to things that I do not relate to. They want to buy things that remind them of other things they have been ordered to buy. I would never buy one, and thus I am ill-equipped to make something that a buyer of these would buy.
Of course this display was gone the next time I came into the store and I have never encountered the name “zelfs” since nor had I prior to then (and I must be clear that I do not desire to), but that can also be desirable. If your soulless, derivative, cynical grab at money fails, you want everyone to have forgotten it by the time you make your next attempt at reminding people of stuff that worked. You might notice that is the opposite of my personal feeling, where I prefer to be remembered and to not remind anyone of anyone else. If I saw something that reminded me of me and it made money I would get mad, because then I would need to change me to seem like I wasn’t copying me.
It is common, on the art websites I use, for a participant to become infuriated at “art theft,” in which somebody tries to sell another person’s pictures and collect money for it. I don’t even matter enough for anyone to bother. I would probably doubt that if I heard it happened. If it was TRUE and it worked I would consider trying to take the perpetrator on as a business partner (an unbiased observer might advise that person to turn me down). The closest I came to “art theft” was when I taped a huge pencil drawing to a wall beside a door at the university while I went to retrieve some other things, and it fell off, and somebody picked it up and walked off with it because it looked like abandoned garbage rather than a legitimate finished project that the artist was trying to take home. When the person was persuaded by police intervention to give it back I almost felt bad. I felt like I had ruined several people’s days (not including mine). I wanted to thank the unidentified taker for wanting it. The party which I retrieved it from offered no comment on the quality. I might have let the person keep it but I had not scanned it yet and I needed to bring it back at the end of the semester for a grade anyhow (rubbish generally gets a better grade than nothing at all). Currently it is on a shelf smaller than itself behind me with other things stacked on it and probably no longer in displayable or theftworthy condition.
page 57 of this.
imagine I generate this for ten more years. Will something happen or will it just be a matter of getting from one unpleasant service interaction to another? How long can i show nemitz being annoyed at elpse being annoyed at lope before it becomes implausible for them to be together?
Unfortunately elpse is only too plausible to me. I constantly resent people who really have no hope of ever not annoying me. people like me who really should not. Elpse does not represent me nor does the lizard represent anyone else, though. They are only their own brightly colored punchable selves.
“close-up” frames save a bit of time but I keep feeling like i am missing opportunities to show background silliness that are best to do in frames where nothing is happening in the foreground – the reason it is possible to be close up.
The last few pages I used no real ink on because that took a long time. Not to do, just to think about, because I am so terrified of mistakes, and then the backgrounds always held me up, whereas if I only used computer lines I could figure the setting out as I went along. But I bought a huge bottle of ink about two years ago, during a period when I was inexplicably confident in my ability to use it, when I also had no time to use it, that I now need to justify the purchase of. I felt like the characters looked more interesting with the real ink, also. Do they? Assuming you have been following along, you probably didn’t even notice that I had stopped! (unless I said so, but that would also mean you read my accompanying dull ramblement) Still, in an attempt to sort all that out, I this time put ink over just the characters and stopped once it started to get annoying, and imagined I would erase the pencil lines underneath just that ink and fill in less important matters later. So it happened that at the scan phase this nemitz was just a head and an indistinct, not-quite matched torso, and it looked like a barely mobile, segment-operated boss foe from a super nintendo game. That took longer to say than it was worth.
I refrain from commenting on the justifiability of this.
23 October 2012
Volcabbage, a controversial figure of the Sham Grimeasty in today’s Republic of Porfbe, had often said, in life “I want to dig a hole and live in it,” but until now details about being dead in one have been scant.
Initially, our excavation crew had been granted permission to investigate the tomb of Roneldo, the famous and influential warlord, but the Porfbeian government withdrew support the day before it was to happen, deciding in the end that Roneldo was too respectable to be violated in this way. They suggested Volcabbage instead. Volcabbage did not enjoy Roneldo’s level of popular support nor leave a lasting impact on anyone’s customs or ideology but nonetheless had a large and eccentric grave site. Our team of archaeologists was not terribly interested, but as they had come all that way they figured they might as well. We were unprepared for what we found. Primarily because we were prepared to find something else.
Volcabbage was a court eunuch who usurped power from the beloved monarch Gorko by changing the palace locks when Gorko went out to buy a pumpkin. Gorko, despondent with shame, went into exile and never returned, even though Volcabbage ended up getting tossed out of the palace and also exiled later that evening, having neglected to win the favor of the staff in charge of the windows. As it happens, Gorko did not maintain a stock of concubines so it is unclear why eunuchs specifically were employed on the premises.
Volcabbage was only emperor for several hours but somehow had time to order this massive tomb be built. It is speculated the tomb had been designed far in advance; possibly up to a week and a half, and Volcabbage stole power primarily to demand its construction. As the workers were busy on the construction they were not notified that Volcabbage had been ousted until they finished the job. Some of the non-structural artifacts are believed to have been contributed from Volcabbage’s personal extratombal property.
What an ugly diagram! We had best look at it more closely.
1: Entrance to tomb. (1a) top floor may have been rented out to other deceased to cover some of the costs
2: Inner passage to lower level. (2a) Escalator: Volcabbage was indecisive. If the afterlife proved unsatisfactory, the deceased may have wished to return, in which event a comfortable exit from the tomb was desirable. Similarly, if being reminded of this world once more helped to put things into their proper perspective, the spiral slide (2b) would provide a quick and simple re-entry.
3: Vehicle storage zone. classical decadent tombs often contained stables, so this was seen as an appropriate analogy. (3a) Helicopter chair: keeping in mind the idea of “if you can create a physical, visual approximation it will work in the afterlife,” this was designed to simplify transportation, as Volcabbage was not a licensed driver. (3b) Chariot: in Porfbeian society a license was not required to operate one of these. (3c) Hovercraft, because there was space for one.
4: Houses for servants. most of volcabbage’s employees were little imps. Some of them are more affluent than the other imps and it is speculated the wealthiest had their own little tombs containing even tinier servants
5: Banquet chamber. (5a) banquet table: Volcabbage rarely enjoyed company. It is uncertain if this meant to represent a pathetic hope for more human contact or to give unwanted guests a space to deal with their own business in while Volcabbage worked elsewhere, possibly at (6b). (5b) Terra cotta figure of Pog, the Inedible, on a large serving dish. Pog reminds us of an ancient Chinese story of a tree which grew old through being so useless that nobody saw any reason to chop it down. Pog, in contrast, was useless and lacking in flavor merely by chance, and no predators dared attempt to consume it. Volcabbage developed odd culinary tastes, it is said, as a means of encouraging visitors to purchase their own food, particularly guests of roommates. (5c) tiny table for tiny servants to hold banquets at.
6: Bed enclosure. Reduced scale, compared to banquet chamber. Much clutter that seems to be of little consequence. (6a) Bed said to be remote-operable, but as its optimum operation requires it lie dormant this is of dubious significance. (6b) miserable, tiny desk. Not ergonomically suited to any task we can think of.
7: “pig room.” Potentially the most peculiar section. It requires special attention and so it is illustrated and discussed in greater detail later in this document.
Though this is Volcabbage’s tomb, is not known whose body was actually buried within; considering Volcabbage’s known wish to not be buried. The most common theory is that it is actually the body of Rygar, a trusted court official. A more fringe suggestion is that the original body of volcabbage was dismembered and fed to partisans of Roneldo in anticipation of a bowtie-clad imp statue being placed inside the tomb. Overcome by food poisoning or a simple curse, their lives were thenceforth inconvenient and they were buried here afterward, for they contained the tomb’s owner, who they resented and decided to spite with their posthumous placement. In another oddity, however, no bodies were found. All that turned up were skeletons, the infamous restless undead warriors. The excavators thankfully found it unnecessary to battle the skeletons to gain their respect before entering. They are not currently a threat to visitors. However, a pine cone was discovered on the premises so it is advisable to be cautious.
7a Toilet paper: Volcabbage endured allergies regularly (possibly from overconsumption of foods like 7h pizza) and found “roll” the most effective method for the dispensation of allergy relieving paper material. This roll is very large and its user would never fear tearing off an amount inadequate to contain nasal excretion flow out of a desire to conserve the material. However, it is also far too large to be portable. We wonder why Volcabbage did not propose a representation for an allergy cure to go in the chamber.
7b Nemitz: Large ceramic figure of semi-divine entity of Mupelzorian religion. Porfbe is said to be named from one of Nemitz’s quotations. Unlikely to be an effective guard. Perhaps volcabbage just found it funny to look at. Its attire suggests butler-like duties, but again it may simply be to appear ridiculous. A similar statue called an “Elpse” (7c) was looted shortly after the excavation began. Nemitz was evidently less desirable.
7d dopes: Large-eared smiling creature with similar demeanor to nemitz. Volcabbage repeatedly claimed in life to despise these “dopes,” and yet the tomb is filled with them; one for each of the six columns and a rotating gold dope (7e) in the center. The other dopes are plastic. Hopefully the servant imps were not as foolish as dopes.
7f Bowtie imp: unlike the dopes, there is no imperial record alluding to the existence of a jade bowtie imp and it is not in the plan. It has been speculated that this was placed into the tomb by a rival, possibly Roneldo, to be a source of annoyance in the afterlife
7g Ducks. No ducks found.
7h Pizza. Volcabbage was an avowed believer in the importance of a balanced diet, low in saturated fat and cholesterol. The pizza represents people not having pizza anymore because it’s in this tomb and thus people will have no choice but to eat more healthy foods. Or perhaps Volcabbage just really liked pizza.
7i A bottle. Surely this represents a drink of some sort to go with the pizza. That seemed bland so elaborate handles were added to the sides. However, much like the large toilet paper roll, this must have made the bottle impractical for placing into a coat pocket.
7j The large pig, at last, represents a fondness for pigs. The pointless monarch once said of pigs “they look funny if they are sculpted and displayed.” Volcabbage must have thought a very large pig would be very funny. A strange person, Volcabbage.
Subsequent grimeasties looked upon Volcabbage with disgust. With a mind for cultural preservation the tomb was left where it was, but highways and utility poles were built nearby. Several chambers remain unexplored, including one that appeared to represent an elegant tiled single-occupancy bathroom, but it is doubtful that Volcabbage bathed and in any event we were getting tired and decided to go home.
What the hat is this? Why did this teacher write this note beside this nemitz? Now nemitz thinks it is giving me advice! nemitz thinks it can tell me what to do! I’m tired of this kind of garbage from nemitz. I CAN’T be the only person who has to put up with this. Surely it’s not following around and annoying me exclusively, right? Does it really think i want to be like it?
Did you ever think that you would be this mitz?
NO! ME?! Such an accusation! Even though we appear to suddenly be in a courtroom it is not I who is on trial here, but I shall make this unmitztakably clear to you. I have NO and shall never have ANY aspiration or desire to be that or ANY mitz. I resent that it thinks I do or that I thought I might, and I resent that you weren’t certain, for that matter! “gosh i wonder if i could potentially be thiz mitz?” it NEVER HAPPENED. You know what else nemitz thinks? You shall!
In this never before published rubblish, I reveal that nemitz has awful taste in music.
The problem is nemitz THINKS that’s good! But reek zeek zurk is not good! Your ears are more than big enough to be able to discern that, foolish mitz! If nemitz knew how to write, and you told it to describe its favorite song, and it obeyed, it would write, in english, “reek zeek zurk.”
Also, the frown making concept album for the lost conveyed dope evidently had an epilogue that I forgot about. Nemitz is so awful that I disremembered a crucial piece of dope history. Certainly, I would LIKE to forget, but that would doom me to repeat it! Like right now, for example.
Could nemitz possibly be aware of how unwanted it is? How unloved and unneeded? A question for scholarly debate: does nemitz ENJOY being a scumbag? If it knew it was a scumbag it would have stopped by now unless it liked things that way (because it was a scumbag). I love a good mystery, but I despise a bad mitztery, and there certainly aren’t any good ones.
Increasingly I believe that nemitz enjoys being reprehensible. If there was one imp you would want to reprehense, that would be nemitz, which is very convenient for it. I know that I have reprehensed nemitz countless times, unaware that the whole while the fool was reveling in it. That does NOT, however, mean that nemitz TRICKED me. That was a coincidence. It couldn’t be smart enough to know I didn’t know that it liked being awful. I assumed it thought that it was morally right.
Obviously it never has been, but establishing that it knew it wasn’t is crucial to maximizing its prison sentence.
I cannot afford to keep supporting nemitz’ dreadful habit.
However, if we, as people who aren’t nemitz, cooperate, I believe we can clean up this town.
Somebody called Kiki-Uma drew this. Ordinarily I do not post drawings by others here. Not out of principle, merely that I rarely do it. However I must protest on this occasion. Not the non-policy; in fact if it were a real thing I would be prevented from showing this image and then would have less to protest.
I protest dopes. This is notable for featuring an imp that once proclaimed its feet splendid while amidst danger. Here it has no feet or conceals them out of shame and it is rightly served. Of course on the previous occasion it was also decapitated, but perhaps it will only learn if the punishment is directly tied to the wrongdoing. It is rare that an artist so effectively captures the utter stranglobility of these useless wretches. I cannot stand it. But I must, because my chair was so disgusted at the sight of them that it went for a walk.
I want to punch them! They are so proud of themselves! They love having large ears and being absurd. The dope’s ears were pretty gosh darn big before but this is beyond inexcusable, refusable and disposable. These fiends have interfered with road traffic through their aimless game. Luckily the dope is too dumb to realize that it isn’t green and surely any motorists who aren’t dopes will also notice and suspect that something is amitz. Amiss, pardon me (but not them). As for nemitz, how can we possibly punish something that likes beets and likes dopes? This lot is incompetent. They are unfit to stand trial. Rather they should be jailed and executed immediately. I initially wrote that last remark about the bow tie creature but it probably applies to these as well.
Everything dope related is a sabotage of decency. I should not be surprised that they have upgraded to actual mechanical sabotage.
attention populace, nemitz has issued a thumbs up rating on the topic of nemitz. I cannot stand idly by while nemitz is tolerated. I pledge to fidget uncontrollably until justice is done.
I was recently in such a place that a tremendous fuss was made over me placing a hat on a table. I consider that classy compared to a big fuzzen nemitz foot. The trouble with nemitz is that everything it does is troublesome
nemitz has a master’s degree in crumbummery from bob dopes university. and it thinks it’s better than me because it has a degree and I don’t. But its wrong; I have many degrees of rage-induced heat which while not adequate to boil nemitz alive will surely aid its discomfort. I will toss nemitz into a landfill. sooner or hopefully even sooner it will stay there.
In response I drew this picture with that artist’s characters: the frogoid Chiro in the center and the two “mist twins” Yaku (red) and Yakuma (blue) who appear together sometimes. However, something stupid happened and several more dumb imps appeared. They really have few scruples. When I engage in picture-swapping it is my personal policy to give too much or too little so that the other party is as uncomfortable as possible. It is the only way they will learn.
page… I don’t even remember, 49? of that
Don’t stop me if you can see where this is going. It goes there slow enough that your effort would make little difference.
and there also goes the last internet comic with no scenes that take place in a bar. we had a decent length run, I’d say, if I’d held off a bit longer.
There are two things you can expect in a good webcomic: it will become painfully obvious what the artist’s favorite paraphalia is and the main characters will go to a bar within a few pages. Ah I’m kidding, of course. There are no good webcomics.
I thought it might it might be easier and more potentially amusing to base the setting off an actual place I’ve been to, but the one I wanted to use doesn’t have a layout that works with my staging and the one I used instead is rather dull and doesn’t match the locale I’ve established. I think I might have said that last time.
Also, Edward Sorel called. He wants his sketchy, noncommittal ink lines back. And I actually draw with pencil first. By the way why don’t you get a cellular telephone already? I’m tired of taking messages for you.
I think I could handle being a slow inker or a bad inker but being both is becoming harder to accept. Is the huge pint bottle of ink that i bought and have not yet opened reason enough to keep using real pens? If I had a job doing this I would be fired for what this page looked like before I spent a week putting color over and redrawing it with a mouse. Although if I had a job doing this I would have been fired years ago for needing a two weeks of uninterrupted time to finish one page and usually being surrounded by interruptions. I don’t even know what to revise to [further] fix this, much less have the ability. However, this either goes up as it is now or two weeks from now when I can work on it again to make subtle changes that you probably won’t notice.
Oh OH excuse me, am I talking too much for you? Guess what elpse, nobody is intimidated by you! Even with that impressive scar along your midsection. Yes, and I know you also said “oh OH” on the page. I’m very impressed that you almost finished a game of tic tac toe. By the way I’m actually not impressed!
Attention nemitz:
You are a scumbag. Not at all dear, thus my not capitalizing the n in your name and using a formal greeting despite your low-class trashy presence. You do not even deserve to be greeted. There should be someone employed at Wal-Mart who has the task of making sure you aren’t. That person might even get health insurance. I despise you. Why don’t you go jump in a dumpster? Because that’s probably too upscale for you. You are the worst person on the planet. You are scarcely a person at all. I can’t think why I used that word. The mental energy it takes for me to comprehend your pathetic presence makes additional thought difficult.
You, nemitz, are less than dirt. You are dust. You are the poverty-bringing byproduct of overfarming during World War 1. You make me sick. You made the wheat farmers sick when you got into their lungs. Are you aware that Black & Decker has a product devoted to busting you?
I’d wish you were dead but that would spare me the emotional contentness of killing you. Not joy, mind you; I reckon I could not achieve it with the memory of your life fresh in my mind. Your latest appearance on my prospective graphic design logo project is particularly worrisome. I am deeply concerned with how fancy you think you look. Maybe you should open your eyes, ya bum. The fact that you’re still standing there in the lower right corner proudly as I berate you shows that you truly do not deserve to exist. Can you not read? Can no one read this to you? Surely your ridiculous ears are good for something. I suppose you’d need friends for that. I am not your friend. I have already violated my personal principles by justifying my ire to you. I don’t even justify my text. You are both sub-justice.
Just the fact that you are there means I cannot fit as much abuse in this letter as I would like to without printing a second page. You aren’t worth the thirty seconds that would take much less the 50 cents it would take to use the double-side color printer in the library.
I can’t stand it. I can’t stand your standing. You go to the trouble to dress fancily but you don’t put pants on. Did you think I wouldn’t notice because you are only comprised of two colors and transparency? Did you think at all? I think you do it on purpose. Likewise, you do not wear shoes, but you wear spats. Spats only exist to protect shoes from dirt (which is better than you). They are not inherently fancy. Reprobates like you just think spats are fancy because those are associated with something that is fancy and you don’t bother to do any research. You are not Scrooge McDuck. You are lose mcdork.
From where did you steal that hat? Why does it have a shamrock on it? You are a sham and I want to throw a rock at you. I doubt you took my needs into consideration. Typical selfish imp. If I followed a rainbow and you were at the end you’d probably try to give me a pot of beets. I do not require beets! I have it on good authority that beets taste like dirt. Thus even they are superior to you. Beets should have a pot of nemitzes. However I forbid the presence of more than one nemitz. I forbid even but one nemitz. Who let this happen? Not me.
Have you seen this? Have you SEEN this??!?
NO. NONE OF THAT IS FOR YOU.
Urt. That’s the first straw. nemitz is officially banned from space. nemitz doesn’t even get two straws. my policy toward nemitz is one strike and you’re dead, which I think is more than generous.
Look even Adobe Illustrator wants nemitz gone. What’s more, it strongly advises that nemitz not show itself again. Ordinarily I find the program very disagreeable. What changed? Not nemitz. This behavior is consistent.
A semi-recent comical tragedy item reminded me that it’s been too long since I publicly took nemitz to task on the topic of its existence. So try and comprehend my rage at not being able to do it for four months.
First of all I’m tired of nemitz pretending that it’s sensitive and conscientious. You’re not fooling anybody, dumb mitz. You’ll have to do more than make your ears go down to make my scumbag defense go down. it is not concerned about anybody but mitself. If we allow nemitz to get elected you can be certain of dopes in our schools within the term.
In 2012 am i truly expected to just stand by and allow nemitz to spell “heap” with two Es and take Grizzo’s name in vain?
Is anybody else hearing the GARBAGE that this thing is saying? I can’t be the only one. What is it pointing at? Nothing good. The only consolation we have is that whatever it is cannot possibly be nemitz.
How DARE it go before a national audience and proclaim “mcgoop”???! This I demand an answer, an apology and reparations for. Our brave men and women didn’t pearl chop zero at ground eleven so that nemitz could flaunt its lies in public. That’s the most slanderous statement I’ve heard since goop ohoopij. Which, incinemily, was also said by nemitz.
It would dare direct words into both a pine and ice cream cone at the SAME TIME. The center object appears to be a vegetable. That speech is NOT being broadcast! I had to change that picture after I scanned it because it was so dumb! However, in doing so I had to include actual microphones which means the message might get out. I condemn nemitz for being so insufferable that I had to undo its own sabotage against itself.
fact: nemitz is a career scumbag who complains about “gotcha” morality.
“Grebo screbo??!” nemitz you think just because that rhymes it makes some sort of point or even communicates information? Do you think that? I say answer me! And do it without talking to me.
And now: nemitz is so proud of itself that a jacket materialized in this position simply so that nemit could proudly clutch at the jacket’s lapel-things in a proud way. I demand proof of an act perpetrated by nemitz that was worth being proud over so that I can present counterproof to show this pride was also invalid.
As matters currently stand, nemitz has not claimed to have invented Red Star yeast.
Once you wear armor your fingers become obsolete. If you cannot solve a problem by punching it is beneath you. But that is beside the point. In fact it is beside every point. The points request the company of armor. All the more essential it be that we verify nemitz isn’t wearing it. Clearly, this robot is very proud of its urmor. Thankfully, however, we can rule out it being nemitz due to the less controversial leg type and its not insisting on smiling at us. Also, nemitz is allergic to boots.
Good old armor.
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I recognize the person who confronts me through mirrors but it is not someone I recall having been recently.
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One of my teachers today asked me what my major category of study was. Without having to ponder the topic I responded “discomfort.” The teacher seemed to accept the answer.
new imps are floating in strange places. they want me to fix it, I suppose!
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Incididdly, the reason the monopoly piece took so long was because I was preparing this, and then removed it, and then this took longer.
Yes so Computer Banking Monopoly was discovered at toys r us.
No, not THAT place.
This one. The facade is undoubtedly fancy but indistinguishable from every other building in the future abandoned lot. It’s the only place where I’ve ever seen a Friendly’s and a Ruby Tuesday directly adjacent to one another, along with the world’s greatest Wendy’s.
Yes likely you’ve encountered enough lamentations decrying aesthetics from another era being replaced with uninspired modern sterility. However I think it must be said the old one has the look of a toy store with a specific identity all its own, whereas the newer one you might as well just call Chain Licensed Product Store. If you swapped the sign with that of Target or Sports Authority, other stores in the vicinity, it would not be apparent to anyone until they walked inside. And why would they? I can’t even say for certain that such a switch hasn’t been made between when I entered and took the picture because I’m not likely to go in again. The only indication that it is a real toys R us is the creepy void behind it. Even the old Toys R Us that I liked had a sleazy wasteland surrounding it, and according to that website I linked at, mine was the only store in connecticut that closed down before it could be reblanded. The author claims it was because the location was lousy and the building was “sinking” but I like to think it’s because the store had integrity. It was integritty. It would plunge to the depths of hell and have a crummy auto supply joint move in before it would submit to graphic design. I don’t necessarily mean good graphic design, but just any at all. Say what you like about East Haven (or just repeat what I’ve written about it through the years without reminding me that I wrote it), but of the two units in its structure it wasn’t Toys R Us who dared remind me of Battletoads.
I will be the first to say we should toss old, irrelevant characters aside and stop holding up progress by deifying irrelevant fictional commercial personifications, but if we replace them with something worse and call it the same then we’re missing the point. I loved that store, as trashy as it was. Does anybody love this place?
Yet I was glad it wasn’t the Toys R Us in that still at the end of Double Dare where the giraffe head had a huge, towering neck. I’d have never gone near that. It was so bad apparently that I entirely forgot about the frightful gremlins standing in front of it.
Much mystique I suppose lies in the fact that these places are mostly gone. Maybe I wouldn’t think this design so special had it not been nine years since I’d even passed one on a highway. In fact they are kind of tacky. If you pull out you see that no store ever bothered to keep up this facade the full length of the building and it comes across as lazy, too.
Toys R Us was the first store I knew of to issue its own currency. I can only assume employees were paid in this to discourage them from trying to escape the premises. However, with the volatility of the world-wide economiseep, those who have survived to become refugees have discovered a startling fact:
Geoffrey Dollars are now worth more than real dollars. 3.433 times more. Though America may have abandoned the gold standard, the people’s democratic republic of Toys R U.S. never lost faith in the dork standard, even if they tried to disguise it.
With that in mind I now intend to begin distributing to loyal bimshwel customers Mitz Bucks™,
the only true and consistent abstract monetary representation of this domain name. Bimshwel has been privately owned since 2002 and sells no advertising except when robots get in and they keep all their money, which is in useless US units anyhow. Unlike some international currencies, valued by nothing more than their relationships with each other, Mitz Bucks™ are backed by the unprecedented scumbaggitude and scoundrelity of nemitz. The only thing that would bring down their value would be if nemitz started being a decent person unworthy of scorn or contempt. Greater American Dollars rise or fall by how many people want them. Nobody wants nemitz around, so Mitz Bucks’™ value can only increase. We shall have the dollar on the run.
Aw nutf I didn’t plan on this! How can I arrest this fiend?
Great thinking! I will simply buy all the dollars before they escape.
Or send my army of flatulent marionettes in pursuit. I’ve been trying to get them out of the house, quite honestly.
Or Disgracy’s Angstgiving Malaise, if you prefer, but why would you?
Do you remember when I used to write stuff? Well I have forgotten and that is why there have been so many of these lately.
It was meant to be a response to that because I talk to myself. However, I rarely listen, so it was rather a bit over a year before it could be shown. Ordinarily, people would have stopped caring by then, but fortunately nobody cared to begin with. The only thing I got right was the bland layout.
It may strike you as decadent for one character to hog the rope belt AND the single suspender. Are you going to put up with that?
Through no deliberate thought by me the central figure (“dope”) is the most dignified looking idiot here through not having made any botched attempt to appear dignified.
And now that I have made this, what do I do with it? It has no purpose. There is no reason I should have spent so long on it. I lack even the motivation to update this page’s banner twits. The secret to online fame is to acknowledge and pay reverent homage to stuff that already exists, but that doesn’t work if it’s your own stuff, unless you referenced other stuff prior to referencing your own, and chances are people will be annoyed that you didn’t just reference the stuff you usually reference.
I didn’t say so in the past but generally these things conceal links to larger, more clear versions of themselves. I don’t actually believe that this conveys any information here on the page. I don’t believe the full size conveys much more, but it’s slightly more and that’s the amount I intend.
Most of the development for the background occurred before I had merged it with the characters, because at the image size of 20000×7000 pixels it was irritating having to deal with constant delays while I added large amounts of blurry computer paint (the fourth row is just a temporary mock-up that I have saved for some reason). Having multiple layers, then, made the situation totally unbearable. Then at some point I realized nobody would notice or care if I reduced everything to 10000×3500 and after I did, it became feasible to merge them and development escalated, now (then) that I could see where things were in relationship to each other better. The result was still an unsightly, muddy mess, but and I’ll think up a justification later.
This was removed from the space where the yellow creature eventually was placed because the character is sort of boring, and I thought it worth incorporating alternate modes of improper dress.
This was earlier removed from the same position not for looking too stupid, but I imagined this thing would not be pleased that others challenged its bow tie supremacy and would refuse to stand with them. At that point I had considered having the center dope also wearing a bow tie, which further complicated matters. I drew a new one into the background because I forgot I had made one already.
The creature elpse is mildly allergic to stripes, and so appears to merely be sneezing, rather than protesting. In fact this sneeze would have seemed to be directed away from the dope out of courtesy, which I cannot allow.
This pose was too interesting.
Of course I’m kidding. Most of these characters need to be in trash AND jail.